[ Cullen never quite goes through the day without thinking about what he was subjected to, of his entire career as a Templar that has only been painted with blood and lies. But it has always been a series of thoughts he has been able to put in the back of his mind, to distract himself with his duties as Commander. Now? It's all in front of him, set before him where it's tangible, and the biggest reminder holds his hand so tightly. But Cullen finds comfort in that, his gaze falling on the vision of her strong, yet delicate hand over his in a stark contrast. There's peace in the memory he will have of his hand turning over, allowing their fingers to tangle and intertwine in a gesture he's never shared with anyone else. Honestly, he wouldn't want to share it with anyone else. ]
[ Cullen feels his heart swell, and there is a pain that follows when she tells him an apology isn't necessary. She's wrong. She is so certainly wrong, and she should despise him. Shouldn't she? She's a Mage, a woman he once had no right to have such intimate thoughts about, and he said and did so many things. Not just to her, but to others. Even if he were merely following orders, it doesn't excuse it... ]
[ He remembers what his mind had been subjected to... They started so tenderly, so happy. Where he had found a peaceful life with the woman who now holds his hand... But the peace only lasted a brief moment, shattered at the reminder of how it was fraternization, of how a Templar could never find love with a Mage. Could never find happiness. His family, his life... Destroyed. Mauled. Torn into pieces in front of him, hours of watching his fictional children possessed by demons, forced to destroy themselves. Sometimes it would change, change to them being destroyed by demons first... Their bodies used as a shell later. ]
[ Cullen shakes his head, squeezing her hand. He gets lost in that, and it's the first time he has since he had quit taking lyrium. For a moment, Cullen is silent, eyes closed while he struggles to bring himself back to the reality that is her. He finds it when she adjusts herself, when her hand only so delicately moves against his and their flesh brushes against one another. A squeeze... There it is, her pulse. Soft with this particular pressure, but there. ]
For so many years, I thought I would never have such a chance.
[ His throat hurts, only in a way that he can think he was on the verge of tears there in his thoughts. But when Cullen is confident that he has stolen himself again, he takes a calming exhale. ]
My strongest regret was never being able to show you, to tell you how wrong I realized I was.
[ Through glassy eyes, he meets her gaze. ]
You may not feel I owe such an apology, but I will show you how different things are. How I am.
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[ Cullen feels his heart swell, and there is a pain that follows when she tells him an apology isn't necessary. She's wrong. She is so certainly wrong, and she should despise him. Shouldn't she? She's a Mage, a woman he once had no right to have such intimate thoughts about, and he said and did so many things. Not just to her, but to others. Even if he were merely following orders, it doesn't excuse it... ]
[ He remembers what his mind had been subjected to... They started so tenderly, so happy. Where he had found a peaceful life with the woman who now holds his hand... But the peace only lasted a brief moment, shattered at the reminder of how it was fraternization, of how a Templar could never find love with a Mage. Could never find happiness. His family, his life... Destroyed. Mauled. Torn into pieces in front of him, hours of watching his fictional children possessed by demons, forced to destroy themselves. Sometimes it would change, change to them being destroyed by demons first... Their bodies used as a shell later. ]
[ Cullen shakes his head, squeezing her hand. He gets lost in that, and it's the first time he has since he had quit taking lyrium. For a moment, Cullen is silent, eyes closed while he struggles to bring himself back to the reality that is her. He finds it when she adjusts herself, when her hand only so delicately moves against his and their flesh brushes against one another. A squeeze... There it is, her pulse. Soft with this particular pressure, but there. ]
For so many years, I thought I would never have such a chance.
[ His throat hurts, only in a way that he can think he was on the verge of tears there in his thoughts. But when Cullen is confident that he has stolen himself again, he takes a calming exhale. ]
My strongest regret was never being able to show you, to tell you how wrong I realized I was.
[ Through glassy eyes, he meets her gaze. ]
You may not feel I owe such an apology, but I will show you how different things are. How I am.
[ He looks back down at their hands tangled. ]
Maker, I am so happy you are here.
I can assure you, I am fine. And I will be.