[ It doubles her guilt to know that he had missed her and that her thoughts had not turned to him so often. When he had lashed out at her all those years ago, she thought that would be it. Cutting ties in the wake of her 'death', at the time, had seemed so easy; she had lost her family, her friends were moving on, she could never go home, and the world was safer for it. But now she sees how it made others hurt, and she wonders if Alistair and Leliana had ever felt this way and never spoken of it, or if they'd had the luxury of never needing to worry?
She does not know. But her heart aches for him, twists as she hears his voice crack. Their hands join and she feels...contented in some way, but torn just the same. She has hurt him, even unintentionally, but she can still take comfort in being close again.
She remembers the way he embraced her earlier, how she felt she had needed it after being bereft of company for so long. He offered a balm for her guilt and she took it. Maker, she feels awful, like she has used him. Her hand tightens over his and she closes her eyes. Her voice wavers when she speaks again, strained as it is, but there is a quiet conviction there beneath the surface. ]
We have the time now. You can show me.
[ She wants to see, not because she doubts him - and she does not doubt him, not with the people he works with - but because it is important to him...and because it is important to her, too, to see and to share in something this crucial to who he is now.
Neria looks away from him but never lets go of his hand. ]
I... I didn't disappear to hurt you. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone when I 'died'. There were so many things involved in... In Denerim. With Alist-- With the king. It was all a mess. I didn't think it would matter if I vanished.
[ Because the people who did matter, in her mind, knew the truth. But how can she say that to him? ]
I had lost everything already. I thought it would be easier to find some way to move on.
[ In the end, Neria has never moved on from that day. She turns to look at him. ]
I am sorry. I didn't think it would hurt you or-- I didn't think people would hurt. None of us expected to live, you must understand. We were desperate. I was desperate. I would have done anything to ensure Ferelden was safe, that the others lived.
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She does not know. But her heart aches for him, twists as she hears his voice crack. Their hands join and she feels...contented in some way, but torn just the same. She has hurt him, even unintentionally, but she can still take comfort in being close again.
She remembers the way he embraced her earlier, how she felt she had needed it after being bereft of company for so long. He offered a balm for her guilt and she took it. Maker, she feels awful, like she has used him. Her hand tightens over his and she closes her eyes. Her voice wavers when she speaks again, strained as it is, but there is a quiet conviction there beneath the surface. ]
We have the time now. You can show me.
[ She wants to see, not because she doubts him - and she does not doubt him, not with the people he works with - but because it is important to him...and because it is important to her, too, to see and to share in something this crucial to who he is now.
Neria looks away from him but never lets go of his hand. ]
I... I didn't disappear to hurt you. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone when I 'died'. There were so many things involved in... In Denerim. With Alist-- With the king. It was all a mess. I didn't think it would matter if I vanished.
[ Because the people who did matter, in her mind, knew the truth. But how can she say that to him? ]
I had lost everything already. I thought it would be easier to find some way to move on.
[ In the end, Neria has never moved on from that day. She turns to look at him. ]
I am sorry. I didn't think it would hurt you or-- I didn't think people would hurt. None of us expected to live, you must understand. We were desperate. I was desperate. I would have done anything to ensure Ferelden was safe, that the others lived.