[ Faith has been a tenuous thing for Neria for so many years. She prays in her own way, alone, because her prayers are shameful cries in her weakness and anger. Why does the Maker create mages if it means they will be locked away, their rights taken away, never to know freedom again? Why is she a monster when so many others are not, despite the things they do, and in the name of the Maker Himself?
But she does not fault others for having faith. Her frustrations with it, with the unknown plan there is for her, the sadness she feels regarding her own station should not affect others...least of all Cullen, someone she cares for. If his faith is what inspires confidence, who is she to take it away?
Like him, though, she knows the Chant of Light. She knows it forwards and backwards, too many days spent in the secluded area of the small rectory within the Circle listening to prayers with a book in her lap. There is comfort in faith, comfort in such a familiar thing for the both of them. She falls back into it from time to time, craving that familiarity and comfort. It offers a brief balm for her conscience. Better still, it seems to soothe his worry, and she leans into the tender press of his forehead. ]
I'm just a person, Cullen. You deserve kindness and friendship and solace just as anyone else. I'm only glad I can offer it to you, even if for a brief time. I care for you.
[ She opens her eyes to look up into his face. ]
I can't prevent you from hurting but I can certainly worry over what might happen to you.
[ Even in the presence of betrayal and corruption, Cullen's faith has not wavered. If this is a challenge the Maker sees fit to place upon his people, then so be it. Cullen will stand strong and remain loyal to the cause he grew up believing in. Not the destructive tendencies that The Order maintains now. He will make an example of himself, as an ex-Templar, to overcome this trial and come out of it a new man. Knowing that Neria will be there to witness it and support him makes all the difference, and somehow this doesn't seem so hard anymore. ]
[ He shakes his head at her remark, however, and his hands reach up to gently cup both sides of her face. ]
You are so much more than a mere person to me.
[ She has been his beacon, his pillar of support, and he is certain this would not be possible without her. Cullen owes more than just his life to this woman, this woman who is unlike any other he has ever met or ever will meet. This woman who he carries an undeniable torch for, who understands him better than most ever will. ]
Neria, I...
[ There is so much more than just care here. Cullen's heart always paces around her, skips a beat when she merely looks his way. She is kind, intelligent, beautiful, and it is on understandable that he has grown far beyond just attached to her. ]
[ Despite his pain, and despite the discomfort he is surely to be in for days to come, Cullen has faith. In her, in the Maker, and certainly in himself. It is in that spike of confidence that he kisses her without another word. Though passion moves his body, the kiss is gentle and cautious, much like the one they had shared in Halamshiral. And it is in this moment that he realizes how much he's missed such a shared gesture with her. ]
[ Neria meets his gaze when he takes her face in his hands, and she lifts her own to cover his. They haven't had much time to simply be alone like they were that night, when there was an eye in the storm and they held each other that night. Their preparations with Morrigan and training the troops have taken utmost precedence. But his touch is gentle, and she closes her eyes for just a moment to have this, to soak in this closeness.
Her heart swells with what he tells her because she truly and desperately wants to believe that. She has had friends, she has had a handful of lovers. All of it pales in comparison to the way Cullen makes her feel, like she is wanted and needed for far more than her skills as a Warden or a mage.
Perhaps she should question the depth of his feelings, but she feels safe with him, she feels content and peaceful, and every moment they have in private like this makes her wish it would never end.
She is surprised that he kisses her, though she does not shy away. Neria kisses him back, the gesture slow and tender, almost wary. She remembers what she told him, that she was willing and ready to give...this, whatever it is, a chance. To try. That certainly hasn't changed in the weeks it took them to return or the weeks following their arrival at Skyhold. Still, she is frightened to feel so much, to feel like her chest might burst if she lets it go to long.
A hand lifts to cradle his jaw as she kisses him, losing herself in his affection in an attempt to quiet the storm in her mind. ]
[ They should likely define this, talk about it... But it is in that talking that it would require concentration and a delicate hand. Cullen's mind is far too clouded, and his judgment would likely suffer the same fate. In Neria's kiss, it doesn't matter, and for the time being Cullen allows himself to sink into it and let it pave the way for them. ]
[ He finds comfort in this kiss, silence amongst the tormenting voices and sounds he hears when the worst of his symptoms come tumbling back to him. There is warmth in those cheeks he holds, one that seems to spread as his hands reach to tangle fingers in her hair as he leans forward. If the world were to end right here and right now, he's sure he wouldn't notice. Cullen clings to the silence and relief that he feels in this, begs for more in the tilt of his head and parting of his lips. ]
[ The skipping he feels in his heart is nearly painful, but gratifying. Cullen hardly loathes to admit that there is something strong here, but there is fear in verbalizing it to her. Where should this go? What is to come between them in the midst of war and when it is all over? She had said she was willing to give this a chance, but is this truly right for her? For them? Cullen fears to give in to his true desires, not knowing whether or not he truly deserves it where he stands. As Commander, as an ex-Templar to a Mage and a Grey Warden... ]
[ But for now, he is content to stay like this, and to usher as much as he can from it. ]
[ He isn't the only one actively wondering and analyzing what this is, what it means, and Neria knows they will need to discuss it eventually... Not here, however, and not now when he's hurting. It's just as well; it's difficult for her to put her feelings into words, to allow herself the chance to explore her options. She still doesn't wholly believe she deserves to be here with him, to stay with the Inquisition, or to have this second chance. In fact, some part of her holds out that she will leave at the end of all of this. But she does genuinely care for Cullen and the thought of leaving him and going back to the outskirts of the West tears at her heart. She genuinely wishes to stay beside him, as she said before. The harder decision will come when all of this is over and she has to follow through with her own desires.
But this, for now, is contenting. He holds her with such care and tenderness, something no one has done before. She has not felt such love-- And yes, she can identify this as love, that she loves him, and while she cannot say if she believes in true love or lasting love, she can at least understand that she loves Cullen in this way; loves the way he holds her, kisses her, the way he looks at her, just as she loves the compassion in his heart and the strength of his character, the fire in him that he clings to. And she answers his kiss with her own, trying to convey how much she cares for him, how she hopes he understands how much he means to her.
In this moment, in the way she tilts her head into the draw of his fingers in her hair, brushes her tongue against his lips, she kisses Cullen like he is her life blood, her salvation, and her every need. Nothing can be greater than this to her, nothing so perfect, and he has given it to her without reserve. ]
[ Cullen finds a renewed sense of self, of energy, when their kiss deepens. Such a gesture brings more life into his weary bones, and he feels guilty for wanting more. But Neria's presence alone was already enough to ease some of his aches. He shivers at the feeling of her tongue so gently brushing along his lip, allowing his tongue to meet hers where they briefly entangle. The passion and care that she carries throughout the gesture is absolutely not lost on him, and Cullen uses whatever energy left in him to return it. ]
[ He loves her. There is absolutely no debate or wonder about it, though the definition between them is still unspoken. Cullen may strive to follow traditional values, but he worries speaking would risk what they have or cause things to take a turn for the awkward. But there is absolutely no denying himself about the strength of his feelings for her. Whatever energy within him is ushered for this moment, where his arms work to wrap around her and he scoots forward yet again. Cullen revels in the way his heart pounds and his entire body feels as if it is ablaze in a hot fire, the warmth comforting. A piece of her hair tickles at his cheek, her breath filling him where he remembers that he is here. He is here and alive and so is she. Even the voices that plague his mind are silenced in the face of such closeness. ]
[ But he has to come up for air eventually, and Cullen eventually breaks the kiss with great reluctance. He gasps against her lips, forehead still glued to hers. ]
Maker, I--
[ Words. He wishes to avoid them, but such a desire is futile. Cullen's eyes remain shut, and he hesitates a moment. He grasps her arms and allows his palms to brush down them and back to her hands, where he holds them tightly yet again. ]
Will you...
Would you stay with me? Tonight, I...
I can't bear the thought of being away from you. Not now.
[ Neria sighs into the feeling of his arms around her, like a great weight has been lifted from that gesture alone. No matter what they do, no matter how far she has fallen into these feelings for him, his embrace continuously reminds her of that day when she returned to Skyhold and he had held her, that he had welcomed her and embraced her as no one else had in so very, very long. No matter the outcome, no matter what her heart says or the depth of her feelings, she knows he cares for her simply because of who she is and she treasures him just as much. It isn't because of their shared history, his attractiveness, the things he has done for her. It is that Cullen is a man she admires, and will continue to do so, no matter where life takes her or if she should remain beside him.
It is difficult to be parted from his lips, she realizes, and she hopes the red in her cheeks from that recognition is not so obvious. Her smile is self-conscious and just on this side of self-deprecating, chiding herself for getting carried away when he was, and still is, very much recovering from a terrible and painful afternoon. She exhales against his lips and lets their foreheads linger together, because that is enough, she thinks, to keep her heart from feeling quite so full.
At last, she opens her eyes to look at him, and though taken aback by the request, she tries to smile through her surprise. ]
Of course I will.
[ I can't bear the thought of being away from you. Her heart skips a beat and her breathing catches, even though she never looks away. Her hands squeeze his and she lifts his knuckles to her lips, in the little space between them. Neria nods again, even if she's already given her consent.
Lowering his hands, she murmurs: ]
You-- I won't go anywhere unless you ask it of me.
[ In truth, it would only take his word to send her away from him now. But if she told him that, what would he say? She can't, not just this moment. What he needs is more important. ]
[ He feels relief in her consent, less anxious than he had been before she had arrived. Cullen is normally fine on his own, even prefers his privacy over the company of others. But he has found himself growing dependent on Neria's company, only truly content when she shares space with him of any kind. Whether that be on the battlefield or within the War Room, he feels at his best when she is by his side. She has quickly become his other half, where he has never felt so full and whole in so very long. ]
[ For once, he smiles, and it is genuine and soft, close enough to still touch her lips. ]
I would never ask of you to leave my side. Never.
[ He revels in the feeling of her lips touching his knuckles, and he holds on to this feeling. It brings warmth to his cold and biting flesh, sets his heart at ease. ]
Neria, I... I admit I have never felt this content in so long. To have a vacant space where you used to be would likely provoke my undoing.
Your faith not only in our cause, but in me while I go through this has been the thread that has kept me together. Forgive me if this places a straining burden upon you.
[ She laughs, or something close to it - a breathy sort of exhale that vaguely resembles a chuckle - and ducks her head only slightly. ]
That's...incredibly flattering, but trust me when I say that even I tire of my company now and again.
[ Flattering and kind and she does not know what to do with such a statement. Does she wish to always be beside him? Does she wish he would be harder on her, more scrutinizing? Yes, yes to all of these and more. Neria is torn between wanting more of Cullen, wanting to tell him so much, bare everything to him...and knowing she does not deserve it. She is selfish, and she will take what he gives her, and decide later what to do with the rest.
She needs to fix this. She wants to be worthy of the way he looks at her, the admiration he holds, the care he blesses her with.
Neria looks up at him and tries for a smile, no matter how sad it might be at the very edges. ]
You and your feelings are not a burden to me, Cullen.
[ Not for a single moment. This is a journey they are taking together, for better or worse, and she cannot ask for anyone else who might understand her torment and guilt better. He has accepted her when others might not have. She will forever be in his debt.
Her smile strengthens as she looks on him. ]
If I can give that to you-- That is enough for me. You have made this journey worthwhile in every way. I cannot remember the last time I have felt...
[ Here, she hesitates. It shows in her eyes how she wrestles with what she wants to say and what it may mean, how it might change things between them. ]
That I've felt like I belong. As if this is where I am supposed to be.
[ He could never tire of her company, and he certainly hasn't. In the months that have passed, they have spent quite the amount of time together. Both on and off the battlements, and Cullen wouldn't have it any other way. Despite the pain and discomfort he is in, he feels at his best at her side. Her smile brings him strength, her touch only feeding to it and he finds confidence that he will make it through this downward spiral so long as she holds his hand along the way. ]
[ Neria tells him his feelings are not a burden to her, and he believes it. There had been a point where he almost hadn't, but her tone and delivery is genuine. What she says next has him pausing, eyes quick to meet with hers where he hangs on that hesitation as if it were a cliff crumbling under his grasp. But he doesn't fall, she says... Something. Something akin to whatever it is that this might be, and he can't help but press. ]
Of course you belong. Your contribution to the Inquisition is just as valuable as your presence. We've come so far with your guidance, your Wardens...
[ Cullen looks down at their hands, where his fingers latch around and thumbs roll circles around her knuckles. ]
I... I certainly owe my own success to you.
[ Even through his pain, his smile is soft, genuine. ]
Neria...
I care for you. Words cannot express how far such feelings run, but I find myself eager to know where this might go once everything is over.
[ She detests how hesitant she is. It has been so long since she has been able to trust someone so implicitly and that alone scares her. So much of who she is and who she wants to be is tied to the validation he provides. Even without Cullen, he has offered her a window into a glimpse of what she should be striving to be, the things she should be doing beyond her small focus of the Wardens and the Calling. He has given her hope for herself as well as her people.
Her hands tighten around his, eyes meeting his own even if the intensity of his gaze is nearly paralyzing. She knows what he is hoping she will divulge. Since their discussion prior to Halamshiral, she has known that whatever they could be is tied to her decision whether to stay or eventually leave.
When Neria speaks, her voice is quiet, but what she hopes to say is important to clarify. ]
I wasn't meaning the Inquisition. The Inquisition has offered me...opportunity. Kaia has offered me opportunity, stability, and trust. I am forever grateful for that. But when I speak of belonging...I'm speaking of you.
[ She has no family any longer, no one to call hers. The closest she has are those from the Fifth Blight and they are scattered, only Leliana, Alistair, and Oghren remaining in positions she can find easily enough. But beyond their shared history and tied miseries, Cullen has given her more than she can say. He has given her something to aspire to. In many ways, Cullen has given her back her life and her happiness.
So why is it still so hard to tell him how he makes her feel? It would not be kind of her to turn it back on him, to ask him what he should want, not when he has made it clear how he wishes her to remain. ]
When the Inquisition is freed of the threat of Corypheus, there are things I wish to do.
[ Seeing Alistair, continuing her research, keeping the Wardens safe. ]
Every day, I consider what will happen when this is over. At first, I simply imagined I would return from whence I came to continue what I was working on. But now-- Imagining my life without you, after all that has happened, is...painful. I care for you, more than I have the courage to say, and it shames me to admit that I still can't seem to find the right thing to say.
[ She closes her eyes tightly, wishing she could simply say it without feeling afraid. But she wants to try. Maker's breath, she wants to try for him. ]
[ Cullen can't help the look of confusion when she corrects him. It isn't that he has not been suspicious of... Something blossoming between them. Certainly, he has been sure of his feelings for her since their shared dance in Halamshiral. But he's kept those feelings to himself, at least the very word, for her sake. For fear of her taking off, being angry with him, feeling burdened even if she has told him time and time again that his feelings are not a burden at all. He's hardly experienced in romance, only knowing what he has read in books or seen from a distance. ]
[ It is so difficult to focus right now, to not feel his mind drift off to those thoughts that guide him elsewhere. But he still finds himself hanging on every single word, fighting for his mentality despite the deterioration of it through his withdrawal. Perhaps that is why he had misunderstood. ]
[ But she continues, speaking of what she has considered of her future. Of their future, and Cullen can't help but find relief in knowing that she has pictured one with him there. He doesn't deserve it, not in the slightest, but he is so humbled to know that there is at least a possibility of something. ]
Whatever depth such care runs, know that I would only feel honor. You've no reason to fear my--
[ She says it before he can pry. I love you. Three words he hasn't heard from anyone in so, so very long. And they echo in his mind, almost seem unreal in the midst of his struggle to hold on to reality. But he watches her lips form the words, the way her eyes shut to prepare herself for it, and Cullen's heart swells. His stomach flutters, the rest of him feeling somehow warm and comfortably so. ]
Maker--
[ Cullen's eyes widen, lips parting in bewilderment to hear her say such things. He exhales, and it sounds like shock. He swallows thickly as he scoots forward yet again, taking her hands just a bit closer to him. ]
I love you too.
[ He manages a smile, the words falling from his lips effortlessly because he has wanted to tell her so badly. His hands squeeze hers, despite how weak they are, how much his joints ache. ]
I love you. Neria, I've wanted to say that for so long.
[ She is terrified of saying it and it takes every ounce of courage she has to put words to her feelings. Neria doubts Cullen will make her feel ashamed for it, nor does she expect him to really turn her away out of cruelty. What she feels is overwhelming, unknown in so many senses of the word. She knows love, has had love, but nothing beyond the feeling of family. Of belonging. Of knowing she has worth in someone's eyes and not because she has a mantle of authority. But this is...more, exponentially so. How can she contain it in words? How can she tell him how grateful she is for the chance to be a person first and not simply a figure, to make sense of the mistakes she's made and to attempt to fix them?
Neria feels breathless with the words she says, three little ones, and she feels moisture behind her eyes that she has to turn her head down to hide. She feels foolish, even if he holds her hands closer, and she looks up at him with glassy eyes that are wide and she does smile, at last, the seriousness of the subject and her own feelings laid bare. The look he gives her is enough to leave her heart aching painfully, but she almost laughs with how ridiculous she feels, nearly crying over finally being able to say something honest and true. ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I-- I'm terrible at saying the things I mean.
[ As much as she hates to let go of his hands, one hand slips out to touch his face, to hold him. Cullen is pale and looks so tired, but his smile is radiant just the same, a patch of sunlight on an otherwise cloudy day. ]
You have made every part of this - me being here, fighting, fixing what I have done - bearable. You have made it wonderful. If we die tomorrow, I need you to know that I am happier with you than I have been in years.
[ She loves him. She knows it. She has known it, and it has not been a denial so much as a slow dragging of her feet to say something so important. Now, now is the best time, and she feels lighter for having said so, for finally being honest with him. ]
I love you, Cullen. I truly love you with all of who I am.
[ He could hardly blame her for feeling the way she does. It isn't as if it's easy so share feelings when your profession encourages the abandonment of that. While finding love is not necessarily frowned upon as a Templar, your life is still in the hands of the Order and your Knight-Commander. You dedicate your life and heart to the Maker, and your duties manage to take a large portion of your life and spare time. Cullen finds no shame in how she shares what she feels, and in fact is honored to be the one these feelings are directed to. ]
[ Cullen leans into her touch, smile still as bright as it can be despite the color that has left his face. He lets his forehead rest against hers, noses brushing and his eyes close to simply take this in. Take her in. He reaches to her hands, holding them over his face. ]
I'm... Honored. Truly, I am humbled to know that I have been able to make you feel such happiness. You deserve to be held as high as a man can reach, and...
I promise I will ensure these feelings last until my last breath.
[ Maker, he could listen to her say those words a million times. Cullen exhales with content, hands holding gently to her wrists in hopes of keeping her touch. ]
Know that it is in your company, your care that I have been able to thrive. I swear to you, on my word, that I will never leave your side. As your man, I will make it my life's work to keep you happy, to make you feel as loved as you have made me feel.
[ Neria manages a weighty exhale even as he brings her hands up to his face. She cradles his face, her thumbs brushing his cheeks, and she is finally able to look him in the eye without feeling so small and insignificant. He still holds her on such a high pedestal and she smiles, enjoying the intimacy of such closeness, their foreheads resting against one another's. ]
I just want you to be yourself. You've given me so much by simply treating me as an equal, not as someone above you.
[ That he has shared his work space with her, his time and his opinion, without fear of her, without feeling confined by their roles or by titles. That is all she wants. But her heart skips a beat at what he says: to make you feel as loved as you have made me feel. Wordlessly, she nods, her throat threatening to close on itself.
To Cullen, he gets a smile, genuine happiness where there was only worry mere minutes ago. ]
I will go with you wherever your journey takes you, whether that is with the Inquisition or without it. When they put away the sword, I will still be here. No matter what comes, you will not face it alone.
[ She has to say it aloud for the both of them, to confirm what she has said before: she wishes to remain with him, no matter the cost. The things she needs to do, her goals, will not impede on what they can have.
Maker, she feels... Elated. Still afraid, yes, but there is excitement in that, and she feels she might burst from it. ]
[ Somehow with intentions on the table, things have become... Easier? Things such as motivation, focus, rest. It is in Neria's support and care that Cullen is able to follow through with the worst of his withdrawal. There are long, painful months to follow what has blossomed between he and Neria. Her patience is a blessing, where in his various outbursts and desperate moments nearly bringing him to reach for a vial, she remains by his side. Granted, it has made the progression of their relationship... Slow. ]
[ And even well after his withdrawal comes to a desirable end, the difficulty of finding time for one another remains high. Though the likelihood of either sharing what has become of the two remains low. Just as Cullen prefers it. Many times, Kaia has pulled him aside, tried to prod and pry, find if her influence had succeeded. And each time, Cullen would wave dismissively or vehemently deny. What Neria and he share is their business, private, and surely not something he wishes to allow to interfere with their work. ]
[ Though, the desire to continue holding up such a strong barrier starts to wear down after some time. Especially when private moments quickly fail. Perhaps Cullen should have made a habit of taking breaks before, maybe then his recruits would not expect him to be available even at the latest hours. Stealing a kiss is as difficult as a couple hours of sleep, and to know that it finally begins to get to him is as terrifying as the notion of taking time away from his duties. ]
[ But Maker, he is only a man. How he has somehow began to realize that nowis beyond him. Cullen loves her, cherishes just standing beside her but it is in that love that has been set on the table between them that he realizes his attraction to her might... Slightly be getting in the way of his productivity. He's ashamed, surely, and Neria may have very likely caught him in the middle of passionate prayer to keep him at bay. When this is all over, he tells himself, it will be well worth it for the both of them. ]
[ Months pass yet again, and so the influence of the Inquisition continues on. There are lulls that the entirety of the Inquisition cherishes if only a little, but each mission is an important press forward. Their nightly meetings at the War Table see no end, and each one could run through an entire evening. All gather around, glowing candlelight illuminating what pieces had been placed upon the board the night before. Josephine is the first to share her reports of missions previously finalized, just as Leliana places new pieces along the map. Cullen awaits for them to finish, hand resting over his sword while he focuses on what might be the most valuable step forward. ]
[ Josephine speaks ]
Inquisitor, we've received additional correspondence from Marquis Mantillon. It appears you've an offer to uphold in the Winter Palace.
[ Kaia's smile is crooked, shoulders shrugging. ]
Because clearly I've gained excellent skill in this ridiculous Game I've been forced to play. What of it now?
[ Cullen's brow raises in turn, silent. He isn't fond of the Winter Palace, certainly not of Orlais either. The Game Orlesians play has never been interesting to him, beautiful as Orlais may be. But he can't help but find brief interest when Josephine begins to fully read the letter sent from the Marquis. An easy task, a simple order to a few of their troops to defend an attack. Neria and he could certainly make short work of the matter. ]
[ His neck cranes as he peeks over Josephine's shoulder, desperately trying (and likely failing) to hide that he reads over the large ruffles that decorate her arms. Brow still perked, he looked over to Neria, still silent, in a wordless type of body language where he hopes she is as intrigued as he is. ]
[ At least... In the sense that this might be their first opportunity in some time to find some privacy. His eyes lock on her, Josephine's words drowning out while she discusses what she might be able to do in the form of utilizing favors. His gaze looks to her in a way that says "Perhaps we might... You know?" ]
[ Some things change, some things stay the same. Their relationship grows, certainly, and their affections continue behind closed doors. But things on the battlefield and in the war room mostly stay focused on their mission, long nights spent in their comrades' company than with one another. It doesn't bother Neria at first, not when she is used to a similar schedule when she was Warden-Commander of Ferelden's troops. Her time outside of the war room is taken up by training and small pockets of her own work, hoping to ensure Amaranthine for the eventual transition 'home', as it were. Neria looks in on Morrigan and Kieran often, the latter still leaving her estranged, and she tries her best to befriend the boy and treat him like family without fearing for the essence within him. And, of course, she still experiments in secret, pouring through tomes and notes for any semblance of a cure... But her time with these things is ultimately inconsequential, paling in comparison to the time she has with Cullen.
And so it becomes more and more obvious that the few moments they managed to secure are not enough. Cullen is frustrated and so is she, if she is to be honest. They'd had hours before, it seems, time when they enjoyed each other's company. Now, it always seems as if one of them is needed, Cullen more than she. When he isn't called away, they are together but surrounded by others, and it becomes a test of wills to remain as stoic as they have been.
Serves them right, she supposes, for trying to be private about their relationship.
Neria stands diagonally across from Leliana at the table, flanking Josephine, and in perfect view of Cullen's expression as he looks disdainful regarding the Game. She smiles privately to herself as she moves a few of the pieces in blue, her soldiers, preparing her own report for the evening. It's then that Cullen catches her eye and she manages to listen in at the last on Josephine's report, Kaia's banter distracting enough to give her a few fleeting moments to watch him. She lifts an eyebrow, glancing at Josephine, and she feigns rapt interest. ]
Lady Mantillon was at Halamshiral, was she not? She's had a beleaguered list of husbands, if I'm not mistaken. She and I had an...interesting conversation.
[ Which leads her to glance at the map quizzically. ]
Defending a small basin will be a simple task, if you'll allow, Inquisitor. Cullen and I could take care of it easily and send word back to you. Surely the Dowager will favor a speedy step for her dance than to circumvent her efforts altogether?
[ Their eyes meet, and it's almost a sense of instant gratification where she gracefully eases herself into the conversation. Though, it doesn't give him quite enough time to get away from Josephine's back. The Ambassador turns her head when he manages to incidentally breathe on her neck, and he quickly slides away and to his normal spot by the table. ]
[ Kaia's attention falls upon Neria, listening intently to what the Warden Commander has to offer. ]
That entire night was a blur if you ask me. I hardly remember even making such a promise. There were quite a few women I promised dances to, I'm sure.[ The Inquisitor shakes her head, but it's in that shift that her gaze meets with Cullen. Suspicious. Her brow raises in particular when Cullen is quick to turn a touch, hand retreating to the back of his head to fuss with his hair. ]
Would sending troops even be necessary? Sounds like something so simple might waste muscle that may be needed elsewhere. Josephine is right to suggest subtlety.
[ The Ambassador opens her mouth to speak on that remark, but Cullen seems to whirl around rather quick. ]
If I may, [ Cullen quickly interjects, which brings a resounding silence among the room. ]
We've gained strong arms over time, Inquisitor. Recruits are arriving by the dozens each week the more we gain influence. The amount of men required would be small, hardly offering much an effect on our numbers. Neria and I are confident in each men returning without loss.
[ And he can't help but sound at least partially eager. Cullen can be persuasive, but not necessarily an actor. His argument is convincing enough, but he meets the gaze of an increasingly suspicious Inquisitor over time, who gazes at Neria briefly before turning back to him. And she is silent. ]
[ Cullen looks her directly in the eye, feeling tense and not daring to look away. He clears his throat. ]
This... Saves quite a bit of time than finding an appropriate one in which to subtly approach the comte, Inquisitor. There is far less risk.
[ She holds her breath and has to contain a roll of the eyes when Cullen jumps in too soon. Yes, this will be a perfect example of how the two of them hold it together under pressure. She won't deny Cullen makes a convincing argument, as well, but considering what the two of them are planning--
Maker, they're like children. ]
With the amount of recruits we've been receiving, it might also be a good place to send a small force. Whether or not we hold the basin, of course, is irrelevant; a few well placed Inquisition soldiers can give the facade that we have more waiting in the wings.
[ It's not a lie, really, but Neria is making a good show of pretending that this property is important to them at all. It's a meadery with a walnut farm attached. ]
Besides, a courier or ambassador could be thrown away, imprisoned, or killed with no one the wiser but us. A lesser noble attacking the Inquisition's forces, no matter how small, would be seen as far more scandalous. It will give us time to see if the Dowager has a larger plan in store or if she's simply testing the Inquisition's ability to leap when the challenge arises.
[ And if Neria knows Orlesians, it's the latter, but if the Dowager finds favor on the Inquisition, it might save them a good bit of trouble and a larger headache by attempting to placate every other noble. After all, one must be prepared to dance with the Dowager if they wish to play the Game. ]
Cullen and I could take a handful of men each, post them at the perimeters, and see what happens. We'll have our proof and it will offer a good training exercise for them.
[ There is a point in the exchange of gazes between him and the Inquisitor that Cullen decides to keep his mouth shut. Neria won't be able to save him another time if he continues to appear... Eager about such a small basin. Which seems to already have Kaia rather amused. She laughs, shaking her head. It's just a basin. ]
Never spare an ounce of passion, even for a basin that couldn't even fit a shred of what we already have.
[ The Inquisitor reaches for Cullen and Neria's respective cards, setting them properly within it belongs on the side of Orlais. ]
I may require a song and dance from our retired bard for the next one. Get to rehearsing, Josie.
[ Cullen frowns, but he is quick to cover it with the brush of his hand. Kaia is no fool, and he is sure he's made himself one. Quickly, he walks around the edge of the table. ]
[ For her part, she waits patiently for the verdict, aware that the next time they try this little stunt that it will become all too obvious what they are attempting to do. And frankly, she's surprised that Kaia does not call it for what it is or even to flat out deny them with the way they're carrying on. Somehow, she does not, and she carefully moves their pieces into place before nodding and heading for the exit of the war room, locking eyes briefly with Leliana and then with Morrigan.
Oh, they know all right. And she gives the former a pointed look, though Morrigan meets her gaze with a fraction of a smile. For her part, the Witch of the Wilds gives them reprieve, making jest of them while simultaneously drawing attention back to herself as she speaks of artifacts in ruins that could be claimed for the Inquisition, which allows Neria and Cullen ample time to slip out the door.
Neria closes the large doors behind them and stays silent until they are far enough away that they could not possibly be overheard. ]
That's one way to be spontaneous. A basin, of all things.
[ She shoots him a knowing smile from over her shoulder. ]
[ They know. Surely they know. While Cullen has certainly made himself the jest of the Inquisition in the middle of an important meeting, it's very likely that the attempt at secrecy was completely in vain. It would be shameful to find the Inquisitor a fool, a mockery of what she represents and he will be damned if he appears to think of her in such light. But... Maker, the last thing he wants is for their relationship to be out on the table. With the attention it had gotten before it was truly even a thing? It's absolutely certain that their spotlight would shine even brighter. Cullen isn't sure he could handle a slew of lewd remarks regarding them, questions about family and plans when the mere thought of Neria still makes him flush a bright glow. ]
[ He will need to get over that eventually, won't he? ]
[ Cullen maintains a normal pace in his walk, even if his steps seem to be a bit firmer than normal. They echo down the hall, his grip tightly wrapped around the handle of his sword to release some of the massive load of tension he's developed over time. Once they are a safe distance and Neria begins to speak, he is able to somewhat relax. ]
Yes, well...
[ He reaches the back of his neck again, which is somehow hotter than normal. Cullen has to wonder if his face matches such a high temperature. ]
We will need to quickly find other ways of buying time. Clearly, I am not forged for theater. Your defense likely saved the entire show.
[ A basin. They chose protecting a blasted basin as if Corypheus himself were waiting there. The more he thinks about it, the more it sounds foolish. ]
[ Cullen takes a quick turn towards the battlements, aiming to at least head for his office so they might prepare for the quick trip to Orlais. One last time, however, he clears his throat. And he takes a look behind them to ensure they are absolutely alone. Confirmation of that has him reaching for her hand, tangling their fingers together and holding tight. Without another word. ]
[ She snorts at his comment, giving a rare but fond smile that is often reserved for their few moments together. It seems as if those times are few and far between these days, a strange thought. With all the power they have amassed, with things purportedly getting easier and better within the Inquisition, they seemed to be busier than ever before. There's no blame to be had there save for on the shoulders of Corypheus himself, and she cherishes the seconds they have all the more. There's an ever-present reminder that they might not make it to the next month, the next week, or even tomorrow.
Neria, for her part, shakes her head at the severity in Cullen's tone. ]
Or perhaps you can make it a point to take breaks and lock your door? Or is that too obvious, do you think?
[ Her smile is just a touch sly, and she shrugs her shoulders. ]
We'll find something. And it will hopefully be a bit more subtle and easy to escape to than a basin in the middle of very little.
[ Cullen searches for her hand and takes it in his, threading their fingers together immediately. She pauses and gives him a smile, genuine, and squeezes his hand. Moments, that's all they have sometimes, but she is pleased to see him indulging when he can. She longs to kiss him just then but they would be seen by someone, or linger too long, and it is a desire she cannot indulge. Instead, she lets go of him only slowly, nodding for him to head back to his tower. ]
I promise you, we'll have our time.
[ Neria releases him and heads on her way, regretful that they cannot spend more time together. But for now, especially with the little display they slipped into back in the war room, they need to keep cautious. The night is spent packing and preparing, and they leave at first light into Orlais. The journey takes several days and allows them a great deal of time together, always in the context of business and work. Still, it allows them those precious moments without the lingering concern that they will be spotted. Even nights with Cullen are somewhat more public than she would like, as they cannot certainly share a sleeping tent among their soldiers, even if that is something they would both prefer.
Their arrival in the basin produces little fanfare...at first. It is agreed that they will slip in under cover of night to occupy much of it, allow their presence to simply be known without a true announcement. They take shelter in the meaderies and buildings there, vineyards spanning long tracks of land between the walnut trees and hollyhock, a sight that is breathtaking in its tranquility.
For all that they joked that the basin is insignificant, it holds a peace that is rare in war, and Neria soaks it in with what small time they have between holding their positions and making preparations for the Comte to eventually come knocking.
Which, actually, does not take long. No skirmish at first, only scouts bringing missives that insist that the Inquisition is infringing on owned property. Now it is a matter of waiting the Comte out to see what he will do.
Parsing through the fourth missive the Comte has given them in the same number of days, Neria sets fire to the parchment, crushing it in her hand with ease. ]
Really, I was expecting something better. The Dowager made it seem as if he'd be at least foolish enough to try to start a fight with us. He's either terrified we're here or brewing trouble behind our backs. At this point, I do not know which I would prefer.
[ A good battle would relieve some of the tension in her and her Wardens, though it will only provoke more bloodshed. Even she can understand that. But they cannot wait forever for the Comte to garner some nerve to make a move or a real statement, and eventually, Cullen and she will be asked to return. Their time will be cut short far sooner than she wishes. ]
[ Cullen has always found himself uncomfortable during travel, regardless of the large part it plays in fighting for a cause. It was much the same as a Templar, but he felt at his best wherever he had been station. There is productivity in that, work being so difficult to accomplish while on the road. There is, also, the large discontent of traveling by ship. The act to moving forward seems to always be far more difficult than the act of battle, to him. This time, however, travel is a form of reprieve while at Neria's side. There is little time to be shared between them, but much more than what they had back in Skyhold. Short moments of privacy, enough for a gentle touch or embrace, nothing beyond a brief kiss that Cullen hangs onto and wishes time might slow down every time. Each night he would remind himself that their distance is only temporary, repeating in his head her promise that they will have their time. ]
[ Certainly, it is ever clear the reason for doubt of the necessity for troops. There is minor effort in their success, and both Neria and Cullen had been right about no true risk in casualties. Simplicity is a luxury in this time, and he can still at least appreciate the easy victory. ]
[ But at the very least, they have their time. As promised. It will be a few days before such victory is entirely sealed, and that much is made clear as he watches Neria reduce the Comte's letter to mere ashes. ]
Such is the culture patented by none other than Orlais itself. Talk has always been their strong point. Where the Inquisition promises both credible word and supporting action, I'm willing to place coin on the Dowager's terror.
[ Cullen turns away, board in his hand supporting the reports necessary for Skyhold. He glances it over once more, mindfully going over what additions he will make before sending it off by bird, then sets it down. ]
I'll admit, I'm quite disappointed in the lack of action as well.
Talk, drinking, and waving swords around. Much of it's the same. Nobles hide behind assassin blades or poisoned cups and leave the dirty work to the bards.
[ She remembers Marjolaine. Cunning and ruthless, and Leliana has learned so much from her. Neria can see it now even if Leliana would deny it; Marjolaine taught her to be a great bard even if it is Leliana who taught herself to be a better person. She has never seen Orlesians work so diligently as she has seen bards move, save, perhaps, for Briala, Celene, and Gaspard. But the world might be ending and their motives are clear. The Comte is a small fish in comparison to the frustrating night in Halamshiral. ]
He's probably hoping we'll send a letter back or, perhaps, that the Inquisitor herself will appear for him to ingratiate himself. She'd probably laugh at him, too.
[ Brushing off her hands from the ash within them, she turns back to Cullen as he sets his board upon the table. She goes to join him, reaching for his elbow unconsciously as she looks over his reports. ]
A few days and he'll crumble, one way or another. He'll either go running back to weep about his losses or strike in earnest, and we'll be there to meet him. Still...at this point, I wager he'll cut his losses and run.
[ At least until he can get proper reinforcements for the area. She sighs and gives Cullen a sideways smile. ]
And then we'll be here even longer to ensure he doesn't come back once you and I return to Skyhold.
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But she does not fault others for having faith. Her frustrations with it, with the unknown plan there is for her, the sadness she feels regarding her own station should not affect others...least of all Cullen, someone she cares for. If his faith is what inspires confidence, who is she to take it away?
Like him, though, she knows the Chant of Light. She knows it forwards and backwards, too many days spent in the secluded area of the small rectory within the Circle listening to prayers with a book in her lap. There is comfort in faith, comfort in such a familiar thing for the both of them. She falls back into it from time to time, craving that familiarity and comfort. It offers a brief balm for her conscience. Better still, it seems to soothe his worry, and she leans into the tender press of his forehead. ]
I'm just a person, Cullen. You deserve kindness and friendship and solace just as anyone else. I'm only glad I can offer it to you, even if for a brief time. I care for you.
[ She opens her eyes to look up into his face. ]
I can't prevent you from hurting but I can certainly worry over what might happen to you.
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[ He shakes his head at her remark, however, and his hands reach up to gently cup both sides of her face. ]
You are so much more than a mere person to me.
[ She has been his beacon, his pillar of support, and he is certain this would not be possible without her. Cullen owes more than just his life to this woman, this woman who is unlike any other he has ever met or ever will meet. This woman who he carries an undeniable torch for, who understands him better than most ever will. ]
Neria, I...
[ There is so much more than just care here. Cullen's heart always paces around her, skips a beat when she merely looks his way. She is kind, intelligent, beautiful, and it is on understandable that he has grown far beyond just attached to her. ]
[ Despite his pain, and despite the discomfort he is surely to be in for days to come, Cullen has faith. In her, in the Maker, and certainly in himself. It is in that spike of confidence that he kisses her without another word. Though passion moves his body, the kiss is gentle and cautious, much like the one they had shared in Halamshiral. And it is in this moment that he realizes how much he's missed such a shared gesture with her. ]
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Her heart swells with what he tells her because she truly and desperately wants to believe that. She has had friends, she has had a handful of lovers. All of it pales in comparison to the way Cullen makes her feel, like she is wanted and needed for far more than her skills as a Warden or a mage.
Perhaps she should question the depth of his feelings, but she feels safe with him, she feels content and peaceful, and every moment they have in private like this makes her wish it would never end.
She is surprised that he kisses her, though she does not shy away. Neria kisses him back, the gesture slow and tender, almost wary. She remembers what she told him, that she was willing and ready to give...this, whatever it is, a chance. To try. That certainly hasn't changed in the weeks it took them to return or the weeks following their arrival at Skyhold. Still, she is frightened to feel so much, to feel like her chest might burst if she lets it go to long.
A hand lifts to cradle his jaw as she kisses him, losing herself in his affection in an attempt to quiet the storm in her mind. ]
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[ He finds comfort in this kiss, silence amongst the tormenting voices and sounds he hears when the worst of his symptoms come tumbling back to him. There is warmth in those cheeks he holds, one that seems to spread as his hands reach to tangle fingers in her hair as he leans forward. If the world were to end right here and right now, he's sure he wouldn't notice. Cullen clings to the silence and relief that he feels in this, begs for more in the tilt of his head and parting of his lips. ]
[ The skipping he feels in his heart is nearly painful, but gratifying. Cullen hardly loathes to admit that there is something strong here, but there is fear in verbalizing it to her. Where should this go? What is to come between them in the midst of war and when it is all over? She had said she was willing to give this a chance, but is this truly right for her? For them? Cullen fears to give in to his true desires, not knowing whether or not he truly deserves it where he stands. As Commander, as an ex-Templar to a Mage and a Grey Warden... ]
[ But for now, he is content to stay like this, and to usher as much as he can from it. ]
no subject
But this, for now, is contenting. He holds her with such care and tenderness, something no one has done before. She has not felt such love-- And yes, she can identify this as love, that she loves him, and while she cannot say if she believes in true love or lasting love, she can at least understand that she loves Cullen in this way; loves the way he holds her, kisses her, the way he looks at her, just as she loves the compassion in his heart and the strength of his character, the fire in him that he clings to. And she answers his kiss with her own, trying to convey how much she cares for him, how she hopes he understands how much he means to her.
In this moment, in the way she tilts her head into the draw of his fingers in her hair, brushes her tongue against his lips, she kisses Cullen like he is her life blood, her salvation, and her every need. Nothing can be greater than this to her, nothing so perfect, and he has given it to her without reserve. ]
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[ He loves her. There is absolutely no debate or wonder about it, though the definition between them is still unspoken. Cullen may strive to follow traditional values, but he worries speaking would risk what they have or cause things to take a turn for the awkward. But there is absolutely no denying himself about the strength of his feelings for her. Whatever energy within him is ushered for this moment, where his arms work to wrap around her and he scoots forward yet again. Cullen revels in the way his heart pounds and his entire body feels as if it is ablaze in a hot fire, the warmth comforting. A piece of her hair tickles at his cheek, her breath filling him where he remembers that he is here. He is here and alive and so is she. Even the voices that plague his mind are silenced in the face of such closeness. ]
[ But he has to come up for air eventually, and Cullen eventually breaks the kiss with great reluctance. He gasps against her lips, forehead still glued to hers. ]
Maker, I--
[ Words. He wishes to avoid them, but such a desire is futile. Cullen's eyes remain shut, and he hesitates a moment. He grasps her arms and allows his palms to brush down them and back to her hands, where he holds them tightly yet again. ]
Will you...
Would you stay with me? Tonight, I...
I can't bear the thought of being away from you. Not now.
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It is difficult to be parted from his lips, she realizes, and she hopes the red in her cheeks from that recognition is not so obvious. Her smile is self-conscious and just on this side of self-deprecating, chiding herself for getting carried away when he was, and still is, very much recovering from a terrible and painful afternoon. She exhales against his lips and lets their foreheads linger together, because that is enough, she thinks, to keep her heart from feeling quite so full.
At last, she opens her eyes to look at him, and though taken aback by the request, she tries to smile through her surprise. ]
Of course I will.
[ I can't bear the thought of being away from you. Her heart skips a beat and her breathing catches, even though she never looks away. Her hands squeeze his and she lifts his knuckles to her lips, in the little space between them. Neria nods again, even if she's already given her consent.
Lowering his hands, she murmurs: ]
You-- I won't go anywhere unless you ask it of me.
[ In truth, it would only take his word to send her away from him now. But if she told him that, what would he say? She can't, not just this moment. What he needs is more important. ]
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[ For once, he smiles, and it is genuine and soft, close enough to still touch her lips. ]
I would never ask of you to leave my side. Never.
[ He revels in the feeling of her lips touching his knuckles, and he holds on to this feeling. It brings warmth to his cold and biting flesh, sets his heart at ease. ]
Neria, I... I admit I have never felt this content in so long. To have a vacant space where you used to be would likely provoke my undoing.
Your faith not only in our cause, but in me while I go through this has been the thread that has kept me together. Forgive me if this places a straining burden upon you.
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That's...incredibly flattering, but trust me when I say that even I tire of my company now and again.
[ Flattering and kind and she does not know what to do with such a statement. Does she wish to always be beside him? Does she wish he would be harder on her, more scrutinizing? Yes, yes to all of these and more. Neria is torn between wanting more of Cullen, wanting to tell him so much, bare everything to him...and knowing she does not deserve it. She is selfish, and she will take what he gives her, and decide later what to do with the rest.
She needs to fix this. She wants to be worthy of the way he looks at her, the admiration he holds, the care he blesses her with.
Neria looks up at him and tries for a smile, no matter how sad it might be at the very edges. ]
You and your feelings are not a burden to me, Cullen.
[ Not for a single moment. This is a journey they are taking together, for better or worse, and she cannot ask for anyone else who might understand her torment and guilt better. He has accepted her when others might not have. She will forever be in his debt.
Her smile strengthens as she looks on him. ]
If I can give that to you-- That is enough for me. You have made this journey worthwhile in every way. I cannot remember the last time I have felt...
[ Here, she hesitates. It shows in her eyes how she wrestles with what she wants to say and what it may mean, how it might change things between them. ]
That I've felt like I belong. As if this is where I am supposed to be.
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[ Neria tells him his feelings are not a burden to her, and he believes it. There had been a point where he almost hadn't, but her tone and delivery is genuine. What she says next has him pausing, eyes quick to meet with hers where he hangs on that hesitation as if it were a cliff crumbling under his grasp. But he doesn't fall, she says... Something. Something akin to whatever it is that this might be, and he can't help but press. ]
Of course you belong. Your contribution to the Inquisition is just as valuable as your presence. We've come so far with your guidance, your Wardens...
[ Cullen looks down at their hands, where his fingers latch around and thumbs roll circles around her knuckles. ]
I... I certainly owe my own success to you.
[ Even through his pain, his smile is soft, genuine. ]
Neria...
I care for you. Words cannot express how far such feelings run, but I find myself eager to know where this might go once everything is over.
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Her hands tighten around his, eyes meeting his own even if the intensity of his gaze is nearly paralyzing. She knows what he is hoping she will divulge. Since their discussion prior to Halamshiral, she has known that whatever they could be is tied to her decision whether to stay or eventually leave.
When Neria speaks, her voice is quiet, but what she hopes to say is important to clarify. ]
I wasn't meaning the Inquisition. The Inquisition has offered me...opportunity. Kaia has offered me opportunity, stability, and trust. I am forever grateful for that. But when I speak of belonging...I'm speaking of you.
[ She has no family any longer, no one to call hers. The closest she has are those from the Fifth Blight and they are scattered, only Leliana, Alistair, and Oghren remaining in positions she can find easily enough. But beyond their shared history and tied miseries, Cullen has given her more than she can say. He has given her something to aspire to. In many ways, Cullen has given her back her life and her happiness.
So why is it still so hard to tell him how he makes her feel? It would not be kind of her to turn it back on him, to ask him what he should want, not when he has made it clear how he wishes her to remain. ]
When the Inquisition is freed of the threat of Corypheus, there are things I wish to do.
[ Seeing Alistair, continuing her research, keeping the Wardens safe. ]
Every day, I consider what will happen when this is over. At first, I simply imagined I would return from whence I came to continue what I was working on. But now-- Imagining my life without you, after all that has happened, is...painful. I care for you, more than I have the courage to say, and it shames me to admit that I still can't seem to find the right thing to say.
[ She closes her eyes tightly, wishing she could simply say it without feeling afraid. But she wants to try. Maker's breath, she wants to try for him. ]
I love you.
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[ It is so difficult to focus right now, to not feel his mind drift off to those thoughts that guide him elsewhere. But he still finds himself hanging on every single word, fighting for his mentality despite the deterioration of it through his withdrawal. Perhaps that is why he had misunderstood. ]
[ But she continues, speaking of what she has considered of her future. Of their future, and Cullen can't help but find relief in knowing that she has pictured one with him there. He doesn't deserve it, not in the slightest, but he is so humbled to know that there is at least a possibility of something. ]
Whatever depth such care runs, know that I would only feel honor. You've no reason to fear my--
[ She says it before he can pry. I love you. Three words he hasn't heard from anyone in so, so very long. And they echo in his mind, almost seem unreal in the midst of his struggle to hold on to reality. But he watches her lips form the words, the way her eyes shut to prepare herself for it, and Cullen's heart swells. His stomach flutters, the rest of him feeling somehow warm and comfortably so. ]
Maker--
[ Cullen's eyes widen, lips parting in bewilderment to hear her say such things. He exhales, and it sounds like shock. He swallows thickly as he scoots forward yet again, taking her hands just a bit closer to him. ]
I love you too.
[ He manages a smile, the words falling from his lips effortlessly because he has wanted to tell her so badly. His hands squeeze hers, despite how weak they are, how much his joints ache. ]
I love you. Neria, I've wanted to say that for so long.
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Neria feels breathless with the words she says, three little ones, and she feels moisture behind her eyes that she has to turn her head down to hide. She feels foolish, even if he holds her hands closer, and she looks up at him with glassy eyes that are wide and she does smile, at last, the seriousness of the subject and her own feelings laid bare. The look he gives her is enough to leave her heart aching painfully, but she almost laughs with how ridiculous she feels, nearly crying over finally being able to say something honest and true. ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I-- I'm terrible at saying the things I mean.
[ As much as she hates to let go of his hands, one hand slips out to touch his face, to hold him. Cullen is pale and looks so tired, but his smile is radiant just the same, a patch of sunlight on an otherwise cloudy day. ]
You have made every part of this - me being here, fighting, fixing what I have done - bearable. You have made it wonderful. If we die tomorrow, I need you to know that I am happier with you than I have been in years.
[ She loves him. She knows it. She has known it, and it has not been a denial so much as a slow dragging of her feet to say something so important. Now, now is the best time, and she feels lighter for having said so, for finally being honest with him. ]
I love you, Cullen. I truly love you with all of who I am.
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[ Cullen leans into her touch, smile still as bright as it can be despite the color that has left his face. He lets his forehead rest against hers, noses brushing and his eyes close to simply take this in. Take her in. He reaches to her hands, holding them over his face. ]
I'm... Honored. Truly, I am humbled to know that I have been able to make you feel such happiness. You deserve to be held as high as a man can reach, and...
I promise I will ensure these feelings last until my last breath.
[ Maker, he could listen to her say those words a million times. Cullen exhales with content, hands holding gently to her wrists in hopes of keeping her touch. ]
Know that it is in your company, your care that I have been able to thrive. I swear to you, on my word, that I will never leave your side. As your man, I will make it my life's work to keep you happy, to make you feel as loved as you have made me feel.
no subject
I just want you to be yourself. You've given me so much by simply treating me as an equal, not as someone above you.
[ That he has shared his work space with her, his time and his opinion, without fear of her, without feeling confined by their roles or by titles. That is all she wants. But her heart skips a beat at what he says: to make you feel as loved as you have made me feel. Wordlessly, she nods, her throat threatening to close on itself.
To Cullen, he gets a smile, genuine happiness where there was only worry mere minutes ago. ]
I will go with you wherever your journey takes you, whether that is with the Inquisition or without it. When they put away the sword, I will still be here. No matter what comes, you will not face it alone.
[ She has to say it aloud for the both of them, to confirm what she has said before: she wishes to remain with him, no matter the cost. The things she needs to do, her goals, will not impede on what they can have.
Maker, she feels... Elated. Still afraid, yes, but there is excitement in that, and she feels she might burst from it. ]
This is where I want to be. With you.
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[ And even well after his withdrawal comes to a desirable end, the difficulty of finding time for one another remains high. Though the likelihood of either sharing what has become of the two remains low. Just as Cullen prefers it. Many times, Kaia has pulled him aside, tried to prod and pry, find if her influence had succeeded. And each time, Cullen would wave dismissively or vehemently deny. What Neria and he share is their business, private, and surely not something he wishes to allow to interfere with their work. ]
[ Though, the desire to continue holding up such a strong barrier starts to wear down after some time. Especially when private moments quickly fail. Perhaps Cullen should have made a habit of taking breaks before, maybe then his recruits would not expect him to be available even at the latest hours. Stealing a kiss is as difficult as a couple hours of sleep, and to know that it finally begins to get to him is as terrifying as the notion of taking time away from his duties. ]
[ But Maker, he is only a man. How he has somehow began to realize that nowis beyond him. Cullen loves her, cherishes just standing beside her but it is in that love that has been set on the table between them that he realizes his attraction to her might... Slightly be getting in the way of his productivity. He's ashamed, surely, and Neria may have very likely caught him in the middle of passionate prayer to keep him at bay. When this is all over, he tells himself, it will be well worth it for the both of them. ]
[ Months pass yet again, and so the influence of the Inquisition continues on. There are lulls that the entirety of the Inquisition cherishes if only a little, but each mission is an important press forward. Their nightly meetings at the War Table see no end, and each one could run through an entire evening. All gather around, glowing candlelight illuminating what pieces had been placed upon the board the night before. Josephine is the first to share her reports of missions previously finalized, just as Leliana places new pieces along the map. Cullen awaits for them to finish, hand resting over his sword while he focuses on what might be the most valuable step forward. ]
[ Josephine speaks ]
Inquisitor, we've received additional correspondence from Marquis Mantillon. It appears you've an offer to uphold in the Winter Palace.
[ Kaia's smile is crooked, shoulders shrugging. ]
Because clearly I've gained excellent skill in this ridiculous Game I've been forced to play. What of it now?
[ Cullen's brow raises in turn, silent. He isn't fond of the Winter Palace, certainly not of Orlais either. The Game Orlesians play has never been interesting to him, beautiful as Orlais may be. But he can't help but find brief interest when Josephine begins to fully read the letter sent from the Marquis. An easy task, a simple order to a few of their troops to defend an attack. Neria and he could certainly make short work of the matter. ]
[ His neck cranes as he peeks over Josephine's shoulder, desperately trying (and likely failing) to hide that he reads over the large ruffles that decorate her arms. Brow still perked, he looked over to Neria, still silent, in a wordless type of body language where he hopes she is as intrigued as he is. ]
[ At least... In the sense that this might be their first opportunity in some time to find some privacy. His eyes lock on her, Josephine's words drowning out while she discusses what she might be able to do in the form of utilizing favors. His gaze looks to her in a way that says "Perhaps we might... You know?" ]
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And so it becomes more and more obvious that the few moments they managed to secure are not enough. Cullen is frustrated and so is she, if she is to be honest. They'd had hours before, it seems, time when they enjoyed each other's company. Now, it always seems as if one of them is needed, Cullen more than she. When he isn't called away, they are together but surrounded by others, and it becomes a test of wills to remain as stoic as they have been.
Serves them right, she supposes, for trying to be private about their relationship.
Neria stands diagonally across from Leliana at the table, flanking Josephine, and in perfect view of Cullen's expression as he looks disdainful regarding the Game. She smiles privately to herself as she moves a few of the pieces in blue, her soldiers, preparing her own report for the evening. It's then that Cullen catches her eye and she manages to listen in at the last on Josephine's report, Kaia's banter distracting enough to give her a few fleeting moments to watch him. She lifts an eyebrow, glancing at Josephine, and she feigns rapt interest. ]
Lady Mantillon was at Halamshiral, was she not? She's had a beleaguered list of husbands, if I'm not mistaken. She and I had an...interesting conversation.
[ Which leads her to glance at the map quizzically. ]
Defending a small basin will be a simple task, if you'll allow, Inquisitor. Cullen and I could take care of it easily and send word back to you. Surely the Dowager will favor a speedy step for her dance than to circumvent her efforts altogether?
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[ Kaia's attention falls upon Neria, listening intently to what the Warden Commander has to offer. ]
That entire night was a blur if you ask me. I hardly remember even making such a promise. There were quite a few women I promised dances to, I'm sure.[ The Inquisitor shakes her head, but it's in that shift that her gaze meets with Cullen. Suspicious. Her brow raises in particular when Cullen is quick to turn a touch, hand retreating to the back of his head to fuss with his hair. ]
Would sending troops even be necessary? Sounds like something so simple might waste muscle that may be needed elsewhere. Josephine is right to suggest subtlety.
[ The Ambassador opens her mouth to speak on that remark, but Cullen seems to whirl around rather quick. ]
If I may, [ Cullen quickly interjects, which brings a resounding silence among the room. ]
We've gained strong arms over time, Inquisitor. Recruits are arriving by the dozens each week the more we gain influence. The amount of men required would be small, hardly offering much an effect on our numbers. Neria and I are confident in each men returning without loss.
[ And he can't help but sound at least partially eager. Cullen can be persuasive, but not necessarily an actor. His argument is convincing enough, but he meets the gaze of an increasingly suspicious Inquisitor over time, who gazes at Neria briefly before turning back to him. And she is silent. ]
[ Cullen looks her directly in the eye, feeling tense and not daring to look away. He clears his throat. ]
This... Saves quite a bit of time than finding an appropriate one in which to subtly approach the comte, Inquisitor. There is far less risk.
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Maker, they're like children. ]
With the amount of recruits we've been receiving, it might also be a good place to send a small force. Whether or not we hold the basin, of course, is irrelevant; a few well placed Inquisition soldiers can give the facade that we have more waiting in the wings.
[ It's not a lie, really, but Neria is making a good show of pretending that this property is important to them at all. It's a meadery with a walnut farm attached. ]
Besides, a courier or ambassador could be thrown away, imprisoned, or killed with no one the wiser but us. A lesser noble attacking the Inquisition's forces, no matter how small, would be seen as far more scandalous. It will give us time to see if the Dowager has a larger plan in store or if she's simply testing the Inquisition's ability to leap when the challenge arises.
[ And if Neria knows Orlesians, it's the latter, but if the Dowager finds favor on the Inquisition, it might save them a good bit of trouble and a larger headache by attempting to placate every other noble. After all, one must be prepared to dance with the Dowager if they wish to play the Game. ]
Cullen and I could take a handful of men each, post them at the perimeters, and see what happens. We'll have our proof and it will offer a good training exercise for them.
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Never spare an ounce of passion, even for a basin that couldn't even fit a shred of what we already have.
[ The Inquisitor reaches for Cullen and Neria's respective cards, setting them properly within it belongs on the side of Orlais. ]
I may require a song and dance from our retired bard for the next one. Get to rehearsing, Josie.
[ Cullen frowns, but he is quick to cover it with the brush of his hand. Kaia is no fool, and he is sure he's made himself one. Quickly, he walks around the edge of the table. ]
Right. To work, then?
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Oh, they know all right. And she gives the former a pointed look, though Morrigan meets her gaze with a fraction of a smile. For her part, the Witch of the Wilds gives them reprieve, making jest of them while simultaneously drawing attention back to herself as she speaks of artifacts in ruins that could be claimed for the Inquisition, which allows Neria and Cullen ample time to slip out the door.
Neria closes the large doors behind them and stays silent until they are far enough away that they could not possibly be overheard. ]
That's one way to be spontaneous. A basin, of all things.
[ She shoots him a knowing smile from over her shoulder. ]
I cannot believe you pulled that off.
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[ He will need to get over that eventually, won't he? ]
[ Cullen maintains a normal pace in his walk, even if his steps seem to be a bit firmer than normal. They echo down the hall, his grip tightly wrapped around the handle of his sword to release some of the massive load of tension he's developed over time. Once they are a safe distance and Neria begins to speak, he is able to somewhat relax. ]
Yes, well...
[ He reaches the back of his neck again, which is somehow hotter than normal. Cullen has to wonder if his face matches such a high temperature. ]
We will need to quickly find other ways of buying time. Clearly, I am not forged for theater. Your defense likely saved the entire show.
[ A basin. They chose protecting a blasted basin as if Corypheus himself were waiting there. The more he thinks about it, the more it sounds foolish. ]
[ Cullen takes a quick turn towards the battlements, aiming to at least head for his office so they might prepare for the quick trip to Orlais. One last time, however, he clears his throat. And he takes a look behind them to ensure they are absolutely alone. Confirmation of that has him reaching for her hand, tangling their fingers together and holding tight. Without another word. ]
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Neria, for her part, shakes her head at the severity in Cullen's tone. ]
Or perhaps you can make it a point to take breaks and lock your door? Or is that too obvious, do you think?
[ Her smile is just a touch sly, and she shrugs her shoulders. ]
We'll find something. And it will hopefully be a bit more subtle and easy to escape to than a basin in the middle of very little.
[ Cullen searches for her hand and takes it in his, threading their fingers together immediately. She pauses and gives him a smile, genuine, and squeezes his hand. Moments, that's all they have sometimes, but she is pleased to see him indulging when he can. She longs to kiss him just then but they would be seen by someone, or linger too long, and it is a desire she cannot indulge. Instead, she lets go of him only slowly, nodding for him to head back to his tower. ]
I promise you, we'll have our time.
[ Neria releases him and heads on her way, regretful that they cannot spend more time together. But for now, especially with the little display they slipped into back in the war room, they need to keep cautious. The night is spent packing and preparing, and they leave at first light into Orlais. The journey takes several days and allows them a great deal of time together, always in the context of business and work. Still, it allows them those precious moments without the lingering concern that they will be spotted. Even nights with Cullen are somewhat more public than she would like, as they cannot certainly share a sleeping tent among their soldiers, even if that is something they would both prefer.
Their arrival in the basin produces little fanfare...at first. It is agreed that they will slip in under cover of night to occupy much of it, allow their presence to simply be known without a true announcement. They take shelter in the meaderies and buildings there, vineyards spanning long tracks of land between the walnut trees and hollyhock, a sight that is breathtaking in its tranquility.
For all that they joked that the basin is insignificant, it holds a peace that is rare in war, and Neria soaks it in with what small time they have between holding their positions and making preparations for the Comte to eventually come knocking.
Which, actually, does not take long. No skirmish at first, only scouts bringing missives that insist that the Inquisition is infringing on owned property. Now it is a matter of waiting the Comte out to see what he will do.
Parsing through the fourth missive the Comte has given them in the same number of days, Neria sets fire to the parchment, crushing it in her hand with ease. ]
Really, I was expecting something better. The Dowager made it seem as if he'd be at least foolish enough to try to start a fight with us. He's either terrified we're here or brewing trouble behind our backs. At this point, I do not know which I would prefer.
[ A good battle would relieve some of the tension in her and her Wardens, though it will only provoke more bloodshed. Even she can understand that. But they cannot wait forever for the Comte to garner some nerve to make a move or a real statement, and eventually, Cullen and she will be asked to return. Their time will be cut short far sooner than she wishes. ]
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[ Certainly, it is ever clear the reason for doubt of the necessity for troops. There is minor effort in their success, and both Neria and Cullen had been right about no true risk in casualties. Simplicity is a luxury in this time, and he can still at least appreciate the easy victory. ]
[ But at the very least, they have their time. As promised. It will be a few days before such victory is entirely sealed, and that much is made clear as he watches Neria reduce the Comte's letter to mere ashes. ]
Such is the culture patented by none other than Orlais itself. Talk has always been their strong point. Where the Inquisition promises both credible word and supporting action, I'm willing to place coin on the Dowager's terror.
[ Cullen turns away, board in his hand supporting the reports necessary for Skyhold. He glances it over once more, mindfully going over what additions he will make before sending it off by bird, then sets it down. ]
I'll admit, I'm quite disappointed in the lack of action as well.
[ He smirks at that a touch, shaking his head. ]
WRONG JOURNAL, WOOPS
[ She remembers Marjolaine. Cunning and ruthless, and Leliana has learned so much from her. Neria can see it now even if Leliana would deny it; Marjolaine taught her to be a great bard even if it is Leliana who taught herself to be a better person. She has never seen Orlesians work so diligently as she has seen bards move, save, perhaps, for Briala, Celene, and Gaspard. But the world might be ending and their motives are clear. The Comte is a small fish in comparison to the frustrating night in Halamshiral. ]
He's probably hoping we'll send a letter back or, perhaps, that the Inquisitor herself will appear for him to ingratiate himself. She'd probably laugh at him, too.
[ Brushing off her hands from the ash within them, she turns back to Cullen as he sets his board upon the table. She goes to join him, reaching for his elbow unconsciously as she looks over his reports. ]
A few days and he'll crumble, one way or another. He'll either go running back to weep about his losses or strike in earnest, and we'll be there to meet him. Still...at this point, I wager he'll cut his losses and run.
[ At least until he can get proper reinforcements for the area. She sighs and gives Cullen a sideways smile. ]
And then we'll be here even longer to ensure he doesn't come back once you and I return to Skyhold.
LMAO I WAS SO CONFUSED
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