[ He certainly finds no regret in having made such a request, especially when he is rewarded with her smile. Cullen could get lost in that, and he does. Quickly. As Cullen makes a novice attempt at taking the lead, he follows the motions of Neria's body held so gently under his grasp, and the squeeze to his shoulder guides him. It would be hard not to admit that he has already become a fan, if only she were to be his only dance partner. ]
[ Just as it has for Neria, for Cullen, the world falls away. Only the breeze and the sounds of her soothing hum serve as the music that guides their feet. Cullen's fingers stretch out against her back, his palm gently presses into her while the one holding her hand gives a gentle squeeze. He mirrors her smile, content if this moment never ends. Cullen would speak, were there no fear of her humming coming to an end. ]
[ With her guidance, he follows, and he catches on enough to gain some confidence in where they move. He picks up the speed, if only a touch as they turn along the stones beneath their feet, where a gust of wind would ever so slightly manipulate her long hair. Enough that such a visual catches his eye, graceful and gentle. Cullen can't help but cling to such visions, knowing what this strong woman before him is capable of. ]
[ The contrast is not lost on him. A Mage, a woman who was once his charge... Now his comrade, partner, and certainly one he could easily consider his best friend. There is a level of devotion and care between them that he can't help but cherish, and he could stay like this forever. ]
[ This moment is perfect. She cannot think of a time where she was so intimately happy, so content. The only other memory that comes to mind is an errant one, a night in the camp with Leliana singing, all of them sitting close and enjoying the fire, a serene moment in the midst of chaos. But here she is...alone with one other person, someone who makes her feel vulnerable and protected at the same time.
Her humming remains strong, even if she easily gets lost in the way he smiles at her, the intimacy they are sharing even without deliberately meaning to. Neria keeps close to him, nearly hugging his body as he turns them, their steps light on the stones around the fountain. She wants to tell him how much this means to her, how much he means to her, and she hopes it's obvious in the way she looks at him, how much she trusts him, how she would not do this with anyone else.
She takes the hand that holds hers and twines their fingers together even as they move, and it is proving slightly difficult to keep on tempo with how distracted she is. She half-laughs in the middle of it all at her own ridiculousness, certain she's going a little red, even as she tries to pick up the beat once more as she hums the same tune. ]
[ Such moments like these are too rare in the midst of war and chaos. Cullen feels a warmth and comfort right here that he hasn't rightly felt in a long, long time. While Cullen doesn't quite feel a thoughtful nostalgia to his past, there are still moments he is quite fond of. The warmth in her gaze reminds him of Honnleath, of the first Chantry he had ever laid eyes upon. A flicker in her eyes is reminiscent of the candles that light an altar, candles he has sat before for hours in lieu of his studies. There is a happiness there, a sense of accomplishment and pride. Neria may have seen the worst of him in far darker times, but she is here to witness his triumph. And it is because of her that he can truly flourish. ]
[ Cullen allows their fingers to tangle, and it is in that shift that he unconsciously lets the arm while holds her back turn into an embrace. They dance even closer, where he can feel her breath brush along his chin as she laughs. She continues humming that delightful, improvised tune with a flush along her cheeks that he will forever commit to memory. Cullen chuckles along with her, but it is only with her and not at her. A thoughtful, gentle smile should be telling that he knows what she means to say in her gaze. He, too feels something strong for Neria. He cares for her greatly, and he would give her all the stars in the sky to show it if he could. ]
[ While he is careful in gesture, words do no justice for either of them in this moment. Cullen returns the gaze she provides him with the gentle, innocent act of pressing his forehead against hers. His eyes close, content on moving to the rhythm Neria maintains in her hum, if only to better soak in the value of this moment. ]
[ There is no war. No party. No Inquisition. Only them, and only this dance. ]
[ Her hum begins to quiet as he slows, his forehead pressing gently to hers. This moment is for the two of them alone, and she has never been more grateful for a single moment of privacy with him than right now. She is infinitely glad that the court's eyes are on the Inquisitor and mired in celebrations, rather than looking for either of them.
Neria lingers close still, the song on her lips beginning to die as she runs out of anything to give him. She's hardly conscious of how the dance slows, her attention entirely on the way he looks at her, the warmth of his embrace, and the smile on his lips. She closes her eyes for a brief time, still humming quietly, and simply soaks in this moment.
When she opens them again, she tugs on his hand, and her gaze meets his. The song, at last, dwindles to nothing, as reluctant as she is to end it for the moment. There's something she wishes to do and now is the time to do it. ]
Cullen.
[ And it is here that she rises up on her toes to press her lips to his in a tender kiss. ]
[ Cullen could listen to her hum a gentle tune forever, and there is a comfort in it that makes forgetting the rest of the world all the easier. His mind is at ease, his body feeling warm as it's engulfed with nothing but her. He should be angry with himself for getting this close, for allowing himself to become so attached to her but how can he truly blame himself? After going so long wondering what might of been, here she is. Alive, healthy, and seemingly happier as each day passes. Cullen hopes that Neria has found enough purpose within the Inquisition to realize her true potential. He wants to be her support and her rock, her stability, as she has become to him. ]
[ Cullen is thankful for the way such simple gestures calm him, and he realizes he hasn't rightly felt this great in so long. Their movements slow, just as the song she hums begins to fade and die out. There is disappointment in that, but it is only brief. Cullen finds comfort just simply standing there with her, memorizing the warmth he feels from just holding her hand and pressing close. His heart swells for her, hurts because the happiness he feels is foreign. It pounds against his chest when they both come to a halt and she so delicately says his name. ]
[ His eyes open, half-lidded when she tugs on him and he takes their gathered hands to his chest. There is a smile there, words that can be said, a reassurance that he isn't running away this time like he had so many years before. But they are swallowed whole when he feels her lips gently press to his own, and his eyes widen a touch at the unexpected gesture. ]
[ Cullen is frozen a moment, bewildered even if he likely shouldn't be. The tender moments they have shared leading up to this would suggest as much, but such a fact would seem too good to be true if brought up to him. But it is easy to accept this, to succumb to it and return her kiss in kind. Cullen's eyes fall shut once more, the arm around her back gently ushering her closer, a kind squeeze. The kiss he returns bears a gentle passion, where his head tilts and his lips are warm and fit so perfectly against hers. ]
[ He's wanted this. He has wanted this for so long, and there is a spike of energy within him to finally have it. To feel this whole, this delighted... Cullen will hang onto this moment for the rest of his days. ]
[ Neria does not push the kiss, does not deepen it, even as Cullen responds in kind. He pulls her closer until they are nearly flush with one another, hands still held tightly in each other's grip. She has not thought farther than this moment and hardly comprehends that she has initiated such an intimate gesture, though she does not regret it. No; she realizes she has wanted to kiss Cullen for a very long time and has been far too afraid to, far to uncertain of her own feelings. She wonders if this is wrong; even if their roles are equal, even if there is no propriety to maintain, she wonders if she seeks out this comfort, this need to be close to him, so that the guilt can stop strangling her for just a few moments.
But the way he holds her is so gentle, the press of his lips warm and inviting. He holds her as if she is a person, not an object, not a monster, and has given her the greatest peace she has had in nearly all of her life. Her heart feels as if it could burst - must burst, how can it still be beating when it feels so full? - with all she feels, and still she does not ask for more, does not push for more. If she does, her heart might crack wide open for all the world to see.
Instead, she relents, her face parting from his by mere inches. She is still close enough to feel his warm breath on his face, for their foreheads to still nearly touch, and she does not open her eyes. She does not breathe, terrified this moment will fall away and she will lose it forever. She does not open her eyes as she leans forward to kiss him again, another tender kiss that she wishes to steal before their reality comes back to them. She wants to remember this moment forever, to never forget the smell of the crushed grass in the night, or the way his hand feels on her back, or the feel of his lips.
This she wishes to remember no matter what tomorrow brings. ]
[ He revels in the feeling of time standing still, of finally being able to forget about the world around them for once. Yet such a thing is almost terrifying, that the influence of Neria's presence is strong enough to erase their surroundings in an instant. There is so much power in just her touch alone, and he finds no qualms in allowing such power to claim him. The kiss steals his breath from his lungs, made obvious when she unfortunately breaks it for a short time and he's force to catch a sharp breath. ]
[ There is guilt in greed when she kisses him again, guilt in questioning whether or not this is truly okay. Such incredible feelings might be sinful or dangerous, and Cullen knows he has completely opened himself to her when that may not have been wise. But he can't help it, not when just being near her makes him feel whole again. Not when he feels a weight lifted from his shoulders he never knew existed. ]
[ The kiss is gentle, innocent, even if it lingers. But that hardly changes the intensity of the moment, made obvious in the flushed color on his face and how he exhales a shaken breath against her lips. Cullen squeezes her hand when he realizes his own is trembling, and his heart is pounding with a threat to burst from his chest. Cullen is the last to break the kiss once more, even if he doesn't want to. There is a smile there, close enough where their lips still touch and his eyes threaten to never open again so he may stay in this moment. ]
That was...
[ He softly chuckles. ]
Unexpected.
[ But was it really? If he had to truly think back on how close they have gotten, does this really comes as a surprise? ]
[ Neria exhales as they finally part, eyes opening and immediately looking downward. She doesn't know what to say and she is grateful that Cullen speaks first, that he is still smiling when all is said and done. She smiles with him, the gesture crooked in its uncertainty, and she manages a tiny laugh. Neria still sounds breathless, her heart pounding in her chest. ]
I'm sorry.
[ No, she's not. She truly isn't. But she will be sorry enough if he is uncomfortable. The way he smiles suggests it was not the worst decision she could have made. Neria breathes out and murmurs, quieter, as if anyone else could hear them: ]
I wanted to do that. I've...been wanting to do that for some time.
[ And now, in such an intimate moment, it seemed like the best idea. If she will never kiss him again, this moment has been enough, perfect beyond words. ]
[ He might have thought she would regret such a gesture so quickly, though he wouldn't be sure as to why. Once upon a time, she had made a pass at him before. Nothing physical, merely in spoken word, and he had been a coward in response. But he would be a liar if he had said he hadn't thought about accepting. She is a beautiful woman, kind and intelligent... But he had barely known her. Now? He can't help but be glad he had waited. ]
[ Cullen is afraid to let go of her, for fear that the world may crumble beneath him or this may never happen again. He is content to let their foreheads press together, for their smiles to touch and for him to forever remember this moment. There is surprise in knowing she feels the same and that she has always thought of sharing such a moment with him. ]
Maker, so have I...
[ He could ask what stopped her, but he is certain he knows. It's likely they both hesitated for the same reasons. ]
If... If you've no regrets, neither do I. I care for you, Neria. More than words can say.
[ She looks up at him, something hopeful and even surprised in her gaze. With how they've treated one another, there's really no need for shock; that they've held each other in high regard has been no secret to anyone. But there have always been complications, least of all who they once were, and Neria would be foolish to pretend otherwise. Likewise, she cannot deny how she cares for him, how important Cullen is in her life, and how grateful she is that she has found him again.
Squeezing his hand, she closes her eyes and smiles, lingering a moment in silence before she responds. ]
You know I care for you as well. I have no regrets. Not here, not now.
[ She has had very little of those since coming to Skyhold, truth be told. Neria lifts his hand to her lips to press a kiss to his knuckles, smiling once more. ]
Thank you...for everything. For this, for tonight-- For all of it. I do not know where I would be without you beside me.
[ A kiss that may have felt like an eternity at the time is ended, surprisingly at what feels like a premature end. But Cullen finds a comfort in her gaze that he has always managed to rely on. It's true that there is no shock in it having come to this, and honestly Cullen wouldn't have it any other way. He revels in the kiss to his hand, to which he feels it right to return the gesture to her forehead. His lips gently brush across her brow, taking in the way her hair smells, lingering a touch before finally backing away. ]
[ But it is in that distance that he refuses to let go of her hand. He smiles at her, genuine and soft. ]
I should thank you. You were cautious to remain for the cause... Yet you gave yourself a chance. You gave me a chance.
[ He reaches for her, pushing back her bangs from her eyes. ]
Neria, I would forever be honored to stay beside you if you will allow me. It doesn't have to end at the Inquisition's success.
[ Her reasons to go to the Inquisition were selfish. She knows that, in her heart of hearts, she had gone only to ease the darkness over her conscience. Even though she has remained to help the Inquisition bring the world back from the brink, she also stays to make attempts at redeeming her brethren and herself. They have always been first and foremost on her mind. But now...
Now, things have changed. Their discussion in Crestwood had merely broken the ice; now, she has to wonder about a future she can shape for herself with Cullen at her side, with someone she cares for. Someone who now has begun to take precedence in some ways over her duty. That is what is truly frightening.
She will continue to serve the Inquisition until it has put away the sword. She will forever be a Warden, come what may. But now Cullen's safety and presence in her life is just as important as those things, and she fears for the implications.
Maker, forgive her...but right this moment, she does not care. All that matters is that he is there with her.
Neria gives him a warm smile. ]
I've done nothing worth being thanked. You've proven time and again that you deserved a chance. I would have been foolish not to give you the opportunity.
[ And she had promised him when she first arrived. It had seemed so important to him. How could she refuse? Pausing, she continues to smile, though it is a tense thing; she does not know the extent of his request, though her heart has already decided an answer for her. ]
So long as you are not weighing yourself down with my burdens...I wouldn't be able to refuse you. I can't imagine my life without you in it somehow.
[ Cullen stands in silence, hanging on to every word that seems to drip like sweet honey off of Neria's lips. It is true that he's allowed feelings of infatuation from years ago linger, remain with enough substance to forge once again in their reunion. Over these short months he has grown fond of her, more so than before, where he finds confidence in her that he can't rightly find anywhere else. It shows in the way he holds her, the way his hand brushes along her face as it drops from pushing her bangs from her eyes. There's a smile that is fearful to leave, even when she claims so sweetly that she can't refuse him. The feeling is mutual. ]
Sharing your burdens is more a privilege than you let on. Whatever weight your shoulders carry, I am happy to take upon myself to ease your discomfort.
[ Whether that be as friends or lovers, he is content either way. So long as Neria is by his side, he will take whatever challenges face them. ]
[ Cullen hesitates, gaze shifting to their feet a moment. Any minute now, it will be time for them and the rest of the Inquisition to take departure back to Skyhold. It will be a long journey, and one where neither he or Neria will find much privacy until their arrival. What must be said should be said now, and the rest will have to wait. ]
[ He does not know the entirety of those burdens, of course, but she can pretend...and what he assures her is sweet enough to make her heart ache. She has not regretted becoming a Warden in years, since it all began, but now... Now, she almost wishes she'd had another opportunity if it meant having a more peaceful life with him.
It's too late for regrets now.
She isn't certain if this is what she wants, if this is what she truly and completely wants. But it is her choice to try. She wants to give herself - and him, the both of them - a chance. Even if they only remain as friends, it will have been enough, and then they both can stop asking what if.
With a steadying breath, she nods. She leans into the curve of his fingers as they touch her face. ]
Yes. I want to try. If you're willing, then so am I.
[ It's daunting not truly knowing what lies within Neria's mind. But the secrets she holds, no matter what weight they hold, he fears about them not. Cullen wishes to believe his judge of her character has followed through these many years, even if she had willingly exiled herself. But Neria puts a burden upon herself openly, and it is admirable she does so. To know that this is being set aside to forge something new between them is an honor to him. With his gaze meeting hers once more, he leans forward to press an affectionate kiss to her forehead. ]
I am.
[ It is a pact they have made in secrecy, and Cullen is certain the both of them prefer to keep such matters private. So he revels in the gesture he is able to make away from the crowds, prepared to hold back for the long journey ahead. ]
[ But he is just as satisfied to know that they are going to Skyhold, home. And life rages on amidst the remaining chaos that the Inquisition fights. Cullen keeps to himself what they have spoken of, waiting for less exciting times to approach Neria in the passing weeks that follow since their return to Skyhold. There are whispers, and Cullen does not miss the overly approving gazes he receives from certain people. Yet he does not indulge them. What happens between him and Neria is their business only. ]
[ While there may have been a brief spring in his step, however, it is in those passing weeks that the worst of his lyrium withdrawal catches up with him. Despite what comfort he finds in Neria's company, he has managed to go days without sleep. It shows, the color in his face that had once glowed and thrived at the chance to train his troops has paled and lost substance. Tensions return when a recruit takes notice and asks if the Commander has taken ill. Cullen's concerns come to a boil when he snaps, regards the recruit as accusatory of him not being able to handle his position. And it is then that he approaches Cassandra to ask for a replacement. ]
[ Which comes to absolutely no result. Cassandra refuses, leaving Cullen in a position he begins to deem only fit for him. ]
[ He storms through the battlements, dizzy and unwell. His stomach churns and his face feels cold while the flesh beneath it is hot to the touch. How is he to command their army under such conditions? When he has abandoned the cause he cared so much for after all these years? ]
[ Arriving to his office finds no comfort, especially in knowing he has kept a supply of lyrium in a nearby drawer. In a private fit of rage, he has broken the box, tore the drawer off its hinges and scattered papers along the floor. Climbing up the ladder to take rest is impossible, when the first step causes a dizzy spell that nearly makes him fall over. It's frustrating, degrading, and he kicks a small vile of the glowing liquid across the room. ]
[ By the time he is finished, his head is pounding. Cullen finds himself leaning against a wall, head pressed to the cold stone where he only finds some relief. There is silence, though his mind berates him for what he has decided, gaze falling upon the vile on the floor so many times it is burned in his eyes when he closes them. ]
[ Their journey back to Skyhold is uneventful, a relief she indulges. It is difficult to maintain distance from Cullen but their demeanor continues to be professional in the presence of others and she does her best to not take overmuch of his time. But they had been close far before their decision to pursue something and so it is difficult to stop those meetings altogether. And they work closely enough that it isn't as if she does not see him often.
But the weeks of their return begin to sour as Cullen seems to take ill. He pales, seems to tire much more easily, his temper biting. Neria takes it for what it is, as she knows the secret few others do. She leaves him potions and tonics and finds them mostly unused, and she does not take offense. It has been difficult for him since the beginning and she is there to support him.
He disappears one day during drills and Neria picks up the slack, though where he's gone, she hasn't the slightest idea. It is only later that Cassandra approaches her to gently ask for her to go to him, to convince him that he does not need a replacement...
It turns her stomach to know he is asking for one. And a little after the sun sets, she goes to his tower, where the door is closed. She slips inside and is shocked to find the room in disarray, a small vile of lyrium knocked clear into a corner on the opposite end of where she spies Cullen. She leaves it where it is and closes the door behind her so that he might have his privacy, and she goes to his side.
To see him so pale, to see him look so weary, makes her heart turn in her chest. ]
[ He doesn't move when the door opens, though his gaze shifts to the side. Cullen would quickly turn to defend the mess, but he is far too weary to even attempt such a quick movement. He is dizzy, his head pounding and he hasn't been able to hold down a meal in days. There is an ache in his bones, and when faced with using potions the bitter taste makes him immediately vomit whatever contents lie in his gut. ]
[ He knew the potions and tonics were from Neria, and he appreciated them. Cullen still feels the guilt of not having fully utilized them, for fear she might start to believe he doesn't trust her. But he does, despite the voices that have told him otherwise-- ]
[ Yes, the voices. The voices that have gotten progressively louder during the passage of time. When the little lyrium living within him cries for more and tells him he has failed both the Inquisition and The Order. The very same voices that taunt him for forging a romance with a Mage and tell him he will soon regret this. Cullen has used what little energy he has to fight those thoughts, but they have fought back with plaguing his mind full of nightmares. They remind him of the torture he sat through, and he finds himself thinking more and more about Ferelden's Circle and Kirkwall than he ever has in years. ]
[ There is, however, a slight touch of relief when he hears her comforting voice call his name. But Cullen is far too ashamed to face her, because he is fully aware that she has taken notice of his falling behind in his duties. ]
[ He reaches up to cover his eyes when a cloud leaves the sun, light penetrating the small window he stands before and it burns. ]
Forgive me...
[ Cullen's voice cracks, and he realizes just how parched he is. ]
I'm afraid I can't do this anymore, Neria. I've failed you and the Inquisition, I never meant for this to interfere.
[ When he acknowledges her, Neria immediately seeks his arm, touching it gently with her hand. For a time, she says nothing, assessing him first and foremost. His guilt is a symptom of a very dangerous and physical ailment, the withdrawal wracking his body. She is more concerned that he might get worse, that this is the beginning of a steeper decline, and she fears greatly for him. Her grip is gentle as she squeezes his arm, hoping to provide some kind of relief in the moment. He sounds awful, tired, his voice cracking. ]
There's nothing to forgive. You've done nothing wrong. You haven't failed anyone.
[ The Inquisition is run by vagabonds, outcasts, apostates, nobles, and oddities. They each, in turn, have had their difficulties and trials. Cullen is too hard on himself. She has known this for some time, with every apology he has offered for angry sentiments he expressed in his darkest hour. She never needed to forgive him for what she would have done, too, if they had been in opposite places. ]
You're hurting. The withdrawal...
[ Some nagging voice insists it would be better for him to take a little, to detox slowly. But would it, really, be better? Would he feel any better or would it drive him to take more? He has suffered enough to his esteem and pride in this moment; to suggest he give up would break him.
Instead, she simply remains beside him, and she reaches for his hand with her other one. ]
[ He shakes his head, eyes closed still even when she touches him. There is nothing to forgive because he does not deserve forgiveness. While Cullen takes her hand and holds it tightly, there is pain in his voice and the gaze that finally meets her. ]
I've abandoned my vows, my dedication to years of service and this is my punishment. I deserve no pity, nor do I deserve your kind words. The things I've done, I--
[ When he tries to move from the wall, he nearly stumbles over. The dizziness overcomes him, and an arm reaches for balance against the stone window as his hand holds firmly to hers. ]
I want nothing to do with The Order anymore... To keep myself bound by their chains means I support every corrupted move they have made. But it is in my selfish decision to break away that I discover I've made a mistake.
[ Glassy, bloodshot eyes manage to at least stay with Neria's. But his focus is off, shaken. Staring at her too long causes her appearance to distort, where he fears he might find something horrifying if he doesn't look away. ]
How can I truly give myself to the Inquisition if I cannot remain loyal to the Chantry? What sort of man does it make me that I run away at the sight of disagreement and fear?
[ He looks to the vial in the distance, swallowing thickly. ]
I should be taking it.
[ Once more, he tries to move. Cullen doesn't let go of Neria even when he tries so hard to make his way to that vial. He shouldn't, he really shouldn't... But should he? ]
[ Maker, looking at him is painful. His eyes are bloodshot and he doesn't seem able to maintain focus on her for long. Neria tries her damnedest not to let so much of her concern bubble over, not even as he seems so entirely focused on getting to the bottle he has kicked away. Her hand remains in his, providing whatever comfort and support she can muster. But this... This is something she feared the moment he'd told her he had stopped taking lyrium. ]
You didn't make a mistake. Cullen, you're standing by your convictions.
[ Convictions she supports wholeheartedly. He's crumbling under an incredible weight, both on his conscience and his body, and she is helpless to really aid him. As much as she hates to admit it, this isn't something she can fix.
Her grip over his hand tightens. ]
It takes a very brave man to walk away from something corrupt, something that has destroyed his comrades. You are loyal to those who matter-- Your brethren, the people you support. You want something better for the Templars and the Chantry has proven to care little for you and yours. You're providing an example that there can be freedom from the Chantry, from the lyrium.
You do not need to remain loyal to the Chantry to be loyal to people. You haven't run away. You're taking a stand.
[ Her eyes follow his gaze to the vial in the corner. She bites down on her lip. ]
You can do this without lyrium. I have faith in you.
[ It hurts, everything hurts and he's afraid that one of these days he will not make it out of this. That he will die for a cause that has cared little for him and his comrades. All Cullen wanted to do was serve, to help people, and for what? To be held by a tight leash for an Order that sees fit to off the innocent and their sympathizers? Neria has always been a symbol of all of that, even a beacon. ]
[ She is right. He knows in his heart that she is right that he does this for a greater cause. But to know that he might affect the Inquisition in a negative manner hurts him far more than the pains that wrack him. Yet it isn't just Neria that has faith in him, as Kaia has said much the same. They all support his decision, do not believe that he is causing problems within the cause and he trembles in belief that he does not deserve such valuable friends. When Cullen looks upon Neria and sees such concern and passion in her eyes, he thinks to himself that he hardly deserves her companionship either. ]
[ But she stops him from moving towards the vial, brings him to find balance against the wall again where their hands entangle and latch as they always have. Still, there is hurt in his eyes, and doubt causes him to shake his head. ]
What worth do I have of the Maker to bring you back? I care for you so much, yet I feel I do not deserve your faith and support.
[ Again, he reminds himself that she is right. He does this to make a point, to set an example to others who may feel the same as he has. It is not lost on him that he has found faith in a Mage, but Neria has always been a special woman among others. ]
[ He doesn't need to bring her back or beg for her to stay. Even if she should leave Skyhold, she will always find him again; she will always come back to his side. But this can't be about her. Cullen, for once in his life, needs to understand that his safety and his decisions matter. Kaia cannot support a commander who is dead; Cassandra cannot stand behind someone who is losing his sanity to lyrium addiction. Cullen has been happier, freer, off of the lyrium...even if he is in a great deal more pain now.
Neria twines their fingers together, tries to keep him rooted in the moment. He does not need it. ]
Cassandra believes in you. Your troops have faith in you, even if they do not know what you are going through. Kaia puts her absolute trust in you. You deserve that trust. I will tell you this now, I will tell you this tomorrow, I will tell it to you for the rest of my life if I must. You are important...and you have not let any of us down, least of all me.
[ Carefully, she stands in front of him, still holding his hand. She hopes to block his view of the vial for just a short time so he can look at her and her alone. ]
Stop thinking about us. What do you want, Cullen? Your wishes matter.
Tell me what you want to do, not what you're supposed to do.
[ I'm not going anywhere. Those words hit him deeply, echo in his mind and stay there and it puts his mind at ease. Any kind of relief is held onto and so are each and every word that falls from her lips. His surroundings seem so... Distant, untouchable, yet he finds some form of support and realness in Neria's touch. Eventually, he finds himself able to focus on her and only her, where Cullen allows himself to get lost in her gaze and her kind words. ]
[ The Inquisition depends on him, the Inquisitor depends on him and there are so many that carry faith in him. Their trust means the world to him, and it pains him to think he could even partially let them down. But Neria speaks otherwise, and Cullen has always held her opinion as high as his arms could possibly reach. ]
[ If he turns back to lyrium, he backs down on everything he stands for. He shows those around him that he can't follow through with his own goals, and that is not an option. No matter how much pain he is in, no matter how horrible the nightmares and the hallucinations have been, he has a point to make. And he wishes to be as far away from the things The Order has done as humanly possible. ]
[ For a moment, Cullen is silent, just taking time to look directly at Neria. The pain in his gaze is still there, but overtime it strengthens. Cullen's brow furrows, serious painting his features as he squeezes her hands. ]
I want to keep going.
[ To do otherwise would be to do him and everyone else a disservice. ]
I will persevere until these binds have truly been broken.
[ If he were to decide to return to lyrium, even if it pained her, she would try to support his decision and try to convince him to taper off with his doses. And Neria certainly steels herself for him to insist that he still should be taking it, or for him to ask for her to make a decision for him...and she is wholly glad that he is able to verbalize what it is he wants. Cullen's opinion matters greatly to her and she wants to give him every ounce of freedom he deserves but will not take for himself.
Neria gives his hands a gentle squeeze. ]
Then continue fighting. You don't need the lyrium. You have us, you have the Inquisition. Let us help you fight this. You aren't alone.
[ She releases him only long enough to go and collect the vial, holding it tightly in her hand. The impulse to crush it or set it alight is strong, terribly so, but for her to so brazenly use magic... No, not here. Instead, she turns back to Cullen and reaches for his hand again. ]
[ The loss of her hands are immediately lamented, but give freedom to his where he takes a moment to rub at his forehead. Cullen takes refuge against the wall once more, and his eyes meet with the vial that Neria takes from the floor. Even with him voicing what he wants, the way his mouth seems to dry even more at the sight of the lyrium so close makes him wish he'd decided otherwise. But he will stand his ground, and with Neria and his friends by his side? It's a reachable goal. ]
[ He quickly looks away before he changes his mind, waving dismissively at it. The other is taken by Neria, where he instinctively squeezes it as the realization of ridding himself completely hits him. ]
There are soldiers here who have left a life as a Templar behind that might need it. We have a reserve of lyrium for them.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Just as it has for Neria, for Cullen, the world falls away. Only the breeze and the sounds of her soothing hum serve as the music that guides their feet. Cullen's fingers stretch out against her back, his palm gently presses into her while the one holding her hand gives a gentle squeeze. He mirrors her smile, content if this moment never ends. Cullen would speak, were there no fear of her humming coming to an end. ]
[ With her guidance, he follows, and he catches on enough to gain some confidence in where they move. He picks up the speed, if only a touch as they turn along the stones beneath their feet, where a gust of wind would ever so slightly manipulate her long hair. Enough that such a visual catches his eye, graceful and gentle. Cullen can't help but cling to such visions, knowing what this strong woman before him is capable of. ]
[ The contrast is not lost on him. A Mage, a woman who was once his charge... Now his comrade, partner, and certainly one he could easily consider his best friend. There is a level of devotion and care between them that he can't help but cherish, and he could stay like this forever. ]
no subject
Her humming remains strong, even if she easily gets lost in the way he smiles at her, the intimacy they are sharing even without deliberately meaning to. Neria keeps close to him, nearly hugging his body as he turns them, their steps light on the stones around the fountain. She wants to tell him how much this means to her, how much he means to her, and she hopes it's obvious in the way she looks at him, how much she trusts him, how she would not do this with anyone else.
She takes the hand that holds hers and twines their fingers together even as they move, and it is proving slightly difficult to keep on tempo with how distracted she is. She half-laughs in the middle of it all at her own ridiculousness, certain she's going a little red, even as she tries to pick up the beat once more as she hums the same tune. ]
no subject
[ Cullen allows their fingers to tangle, and it is in that shift that he unconsciously lets the arm while holds her back turn into an embrace. They dance even closer, where he can feel her breath brush along his chin as she laughs. She continues humming that delightful, improvised tune with a flush along her cheeks that he will forever commit to memory. Cullen chuckles along with her, but it is only with her and not at her. A thoughtful, gentle smile should be telling that he knows what she means to say in her gaze. He, too feels something strong for Neria. He cares for her greatly, and he would give her all the stars in the sky to show it if he could. ]
[ While he is careful in gesture, words do no justice for either of them in this moment. Cullen returns the gaze she provides him with the gentle, innocent act of pressing his forehead against hers. His eyes close, content on moving to the rhythm Neria maintains in her hum, if only to better soak in the value of this moment. ]
[ There is no war. No party. No Inquisition. Only them, and only this dance. ]
no subject
Neria lingers close still, the song on her lips beginning to die as she runs out of anything to give him. She's hardly conscious of how the dance slows, her attention entirely on the way he looks at her, the warmth of his embrace, and the smile on his lips. She closes her eyes for a brief time, still humming quietly, and simply soaks in this moment.
When she opens them again, she tugs on his hand, and her gaze meets his. The song, at last, dwindles to nothing, as reluctant as she is to end it for the moment. There's something she wishes to do and now is the time to do it. ]
Cullen.
[ And it is here that she rises up on her toes to press her lips to his in a tender kiss. ]
no subject
[ Cullen is thankful for the way such simple gestures calm him, and he realizes he hasn't rightly felt this great in so long. Their movements slow, just as the song she hums begins to fade and die out. There is disappointment in that, but it is only brief. Cullen finds comfort just simply standing there with her, memorizing the warmth he feels from just holding her hand and pressing close. His heart swells for her, hurts because the happiness he feels is foreign. It pounds against his chest when they both come to a halt and she so delicately says his name. ]
[ His eyes open, half-lidded when she tugs on him and he takes their gathered hands to his chest. There is a smile there, words that can be said, a reassurance that he isn't running away this time like he had so many years before. But they are swallowed whole when he feels her lips gently press to his own, and his eyes widen a touch at the unexpected gesture. ]
[ Cullen is frozen a moment, bewildered even if he likely shouldn't be. The tender moments they have shared leading up to this would suggest as much, but such a fact would seem too good to be true if brought up to him. But it is easy to accept this, to succumb to it and return her kiss in kind. Cullen's eyes fall shut once more, the arm around her back gently ushering her closer, a kind squeeze. The kiss he returns bears a gentle passion, where his head tilts and his lips are warm and fit so perfectly against hers. ]
[ He's wanted this. He has wanted this for so long, and there is a spike of energy within him to finally have it. To feel this whole, this delighted... Cullen will hang onto this moment for the rest of his days. ]
no subject
But the way he holds her is so gentle, the press of his lips warm and inviting. He holds her as if she is a person, not an object, not a monster, and has given her the greatest peace she has had in nearly all of her life. Her heart feels as if it could burst - must burst, how can it still be beating when it feels so full? - with all she feels, and still she does not ask for more, does not push for more. If she does, her heart might crack wide open for all the world to see.
Instead, she relents, her face parting from his by mere inches. She is still close enough to feel his warm breath on his face, for their foreheads to still nearly touch, and she does not open her eyes. She does not breathe, terrified this moment will fall away and she will lose it forever. She does not open her eyes as she leans forward to kiss him again, another tender kiss that she wishes to steal before their reality comes back to them. She wants to remember this moment forever, to never forget the smell of the crushed grass in the night, or the way his hand feels on her back, or the feel of his lips.
This she wishes to remember no matter what tomorrow brings. ]
no subject
[ There is guilt in greed when she kisses him again, guilt in questioning whether or not this is truly okay. Such incredible feelings might be sinful or dangerous, and Cullen knows he has completely opened himself to her when that may not have been wise. But he can't help it, not when just being near her makes him feel whole again. Not when he feels a weight lifted from his shoulders he never knew existed. ]
[ The kiss is gentle, innocent, even if it lingers. But that hardly changes the intensity of the moment, made obvious in the flushed color on his face and how he exhales a shaken breath against her lips. Cullen squeezes her hand when he realizes his own is trembling, and his heart is pounding with a threat to burst from his chest. Cullen is the last to break the kiss once more, even if he doesn't want to. There is a smile there, close enough where their lips still touch and his eyes threaten to never open again so he may stay in this moment. ]
That was...
[ He softly chuckles. ]
Unexpected.
[ But was it really? If he had to truly think back on how close they have gotten, does this really comes as a surprise? ]
no subject
I'm sorry.
[ No, she's not. She truly isn't. But she will be sorry enough if he is uncomfortable. The way he smiles suggests it was not the worst decision she could have made. Neria breathes out and murmurs, quieter, as if anyone else could hear them: ]
I wanted to do that. I've...been wanting to do that for some time.
[ And now, in such an intimate moment, it seemed like the best idea. If she will never kiss him again, this moment has been enough, perfect beyond words. ]
no subject
[ Cullen is afraid to let go of her, for fear that the world may crumble beneath him or this may never happen again. He is content to let their foreheads press together, for their smiles to touch and for him to forever remember this moment. There is surprise in knowing she feels the same and that she has always thought of sharing such a moment with him. ]
Maker, so have I...
[ He could ask what stopped her, but he is certain he knows. It's likely they both hesitated for the same reasons. ]
If... If you've no regrets, neither do I. I care for you, Neria. More than words can say.
no subject
Squeezing his hand, she closes her eyes and smiles, lingering a moment in silence before she responds. ]
You know I care for you as well. I have no regrets. Not here, not now.
[ She has had very little of those since coming to Skyhold, truth be told. Neria lifts his hand to her lips to press a kiss to his knuckles, smiling once more. ]
Thank you...for everything. For this, for tonight-- For all of it. I do not know where I would be without you beside me.
no subject
[ But it is in that distance that he refuses to let go of her hand. He smiles at her, genuine and soft. ]
I should thank you. You were cautious to remain for the cause... Yet you gave yourself a chance. You gave me a chance.
[ He reaches for her, pushing back her bangs from her eyes. ]
Neria, I would forever be honored to stay beside you if you will allow me. It doesn't have to end at the Inquisition's success.
no subject
Now, things have changed. Their discussion in Crestwood had merely broken the ice; now, she has to wonder about a future she can shape for herself with Cullen at her side, with someone she cares for. Someone who now has begun to take precedence in some ways over her duty. That is what is truly frightening.
She will continue to serve the Inquisition until it has put away the sword. She will forever be a Warden, come what may. But now Cullen's safety and presence in her life is just as important as those things, and she fears for the implications.
Maker, forgive her...but right this moment, she does not care. All that matters is that he is there with her.
Neria gives him a warm smile. ]
I've done nothing worth being thanked. You've proven time and again that you deserved a chance. I would have been foolish not to give you the opportunity.
[ And she had promised him when she first arrived. It had seemed so important to him. How could she refuse? Pausing, she continues to smile, though it is a tense thing; she does not know the extent of his request, though her heart has already decided an answer for her. ]
So long as you are not weighing yourself down with my burdens...I wouldn't be able to refuse you. I can't imagine my life without you in it somehow.
no subject
Sharing your burdens is more a privilege than you let on. Whatever weight your shoulders carry, I am happy to take upon myself to ease your discomfort.
[ Whether that be as friends or lovers, he is content either way. So long as Neria is by his side, he will take whatever challenges face them. ]
[ Cullen hesitates, gaze shifting to their feet a moment. Any minute now, it will be time for them and the rest of the Inquisition to take departure back to Skyhold. It will be a long journey, and one where neither he or Neria will find much privacy until their arrival. What must be said should be said now, and the rest will have to wait. ]
Is this... Are you sure this is what you want?
no subject
It's too late for regrets now.
She isn't certain if this is what she wants, if this is what she truly and completely wants. But it is her choice to try. She wants to give herself - and him, the both of them - a chance. Even if they only remain as friends, it will have been enough, and then they both can stop asking what if.
With a steadying breath, she nods. She leans into the curve of his fingers as they touch her face. ]
Yes. I want to try. If you're willing, then so am I.
no subject
I am.
[ It is a pact they have made in secrecy, and Cullen is certain the both of them prefer to keep such matters private. So he revels in the gesture he is able to make away from the crowds, prepared to hold back for the long journey ahead. ]
[ But he is just as satisfied to know that they are going to Skyhold, home. And life rages on amidst the remaining chaos that the Inquisition fights. Cullen keeps to himself what they have spoken of, waiting for less exciting times to approach Neria in the passing weeks that follow since their return to Skyhold. There are whispers, and Cullen does not miss the overly approving gazes he receives from certain people. Yet he does not indulge them. What happens between him and Neria is their business only. ]
[ While there may have been a brief spring in his step, however, it is in those passing weeks that the worst of his lyrium withdrawal catches up with him. Despite what comfort he finds in Neria's company, he has managed to go days without sleep. It shows, the color in his face that had once glowed and thrived at the chance to train his troops has paled and lost substance. Tensions return when a recruit takes notice and asks if the Commander has taken ill. Cullen's concerns come to a boil when he snaps, regards the recruit as accusatory of him not being able to handle his position. And it is then that he approaches Cassandra to ask for a replacement. ]
[ Which comes to absolutely no result. Cassandra refuses, leaving Cullen in a position he begins to deem only fit for him. ]
[ He storms through the battlements, dizzy and unwell. His stomach churns and his face feels cold while the flesh beneath it is hot to the touch. How is he to command their army under such conditions? When he has abandoned the cause he cared so much for after all these years? ]
[ Arriving to his office finds no comfort, especially in knowing he has kept a supply of lyrium in a nearby drawer. In a private fit of rage, he has broken the box, tore the drawer off its hinges and scattered papers along the floor. Climbing up the ladder to take rest is impossible, when the first step causes a dizzy spell that nearly makes him fall over. It's frustrating, degrading, and he kicks a small vile of the glowing liquid across the room. ]
[ By the time he is finished, his head is pounding. Cullen finds himself leaning against a wall, head pressed to the cold stone where he only finds some relief. There is silence, though his mind berates him for what he has decided, gaze falling upon the vile on the floor so many times it is burned in his eyes when he closes them. ]
no subject
But the weeks of their return begin to sour as Cullen seems to take ill. He pales, seems to tire much more easily, his temper biting. Neria takes it for what it is, as she knows the secret few others do. She leaves him potions and tonics and finds them mostly unused, and she does not take offense. It has been difficult for him since the beginning and she is there to support him.
He disappears one day during drills and Neria picks up the slack, though where he's gone, she hasn't the slightest idea. It is only later that Cassandra approaches her to gently ask for her to go to him, to convince him that he does not need a replacement...
It turns her stomach to know he is asking for one. And a little after the sun sets, she goes to his tower, where the door is closed. She slips inside and is shocked to find the room in disarray, a small vile of lyrium knocked clear into a corner on the opposite end of where she spies Cullen. She leaves it where it is and closes the door behind her so that he might have his privacy, and she goes to his side.
To see him so pale, to see him look so weary, makes her heart turn in her chest. ]
Cullen?
no subject
[ He knew the potions and tonics were from Neria, and he appreciated them. Cullen still feels the guilt of not having fully utilized them, for fear she might start to believe he doesn't trust her. But he does, despite the voices that have told him otherwise-- ]
[ Yes, the voices. The voices that have gotten progressively louder during the passage of time. When the little lyrium living within him cries for more and tells him he has failed both the Inquisition and The Order. The very same voices that taunt him for forging a romance with a Mage and tell him he will soon regret this. Cullen has used what little energy he has to fight those thoughts, but they have fought back with plaguing his mind full of nightmares. They remind him of the torture he sat through, and he finds himself thinking more and more about Ferelden's Circle and Kirkwall than he ever has in years. ]
[ There is, however, a slight touch of relief when he hears her comforting voice call his name. But Cullen is far too ashamed to face her, because he is fully aware that she has taken notice of his falling behind in his duties. ]
[ He reaches up to cover his eyes when a cloud leaves the sun, light penetrating the small window he stands before and it burns. ]
Forgive me...
[ Cullen's voice cracks, and he realizes just how parched he is. ]
I'm afraid I can't do this anymore, Neria. I've failed you and the Inquisition, I never meant for this to interfere.
no subject
There's nothing to forgive. You've done nothing wrong. You haven't failed anyone.
[ The Inquisition is run by vagabonds, outcasts, apostates, nobles, and oddities. They each, in turn, have had their difficulties and trials. Cullen is too hard on himself. She has known this for some time, with every apology he has offered for angry sentiments he expressed in his darkest hour. She never needed to forgive him for what she would have done, too, if they had been in opposite places. ]
You're hurting. The withdrawal...
[ Some nagging voice insists it would be better for him to take a little, to detox slowly. But would it, really, be better? Would he feel any better or would it drive him to take more? He has suffered enough to his esteem and pride in this moment; to suggest he give up would break him.
Instead, she simply remains beside him, and she reaches for his hand with her other one. ]
I'm here.
no subject
I've abandoned my vows, my dedication to years of service and this is my punishment. I deserve no pity, nor do I deserve your kind words. The things I've done, I--
[ When he tries to move from the wall, he nearly stumbles over. The dizziness overcomes him, and an arm reaches for balance against the stone window as his hand holds firmly to hers. ]
I want nothing to do with The Order anymore... To keep myself bound by their chains means I support every corrupted move they have made. But it is in my selfish decision to break away that I discover I've made a mistake.
[ Glassy, bloodshot eyes manage to at least stay with Neria's. But his focus is off, shaken. Staring at her too long causes her appearance to distort, where he fears he might find something horrifying if he doesn't look away. ]
How can I truly give myself to the Inquisition if I cannot remain loyal to the Chantry? What sort of man does it make me that I run away at the sight of disagreement and fear?
[ He looks to the vial in the distance, swallowing thickly. ]
I should be taking it.
[ Once more, he tries to move. Cullen doesn't let go of Neria even when he tries so hard to make his way to that vial. He shouldn't, he really shouldn't... But should he? ]
no subject
You didn't make a mistake. Cullen, you're standing by your convictions.
[ Convictions she supports wholeheartedly. He's crumbling under an incredible weight, both on his conscience and his body, and she is helpless to really aid him. As much as she hates to admit it, this isn't something she can fix.
Her grip over his hand tightens. ]
It takes a very brave man to walk away from something corrupt, something that has destroyed his comrades. You are loyal to those who matter-- Your brethren, the people you support. You want something better for the Templars and the Chantry has proven to care little for you and yours. You're providing an example that there can be freedom from the Chantry, from the lyrium.
You do not need to remain loyal to the Chantry to be loyal to people. You haven't run away. You're taking a stand.
[ Her eyes follow his gaze to the vial in the corner. She bites down on her lip. ]
You can do this without lyrium. I have faith in you.
no subject
[ She is right. He knows in his heart that she is right that he does this for a greater cause. But to know that he might affect the Inquisition in a negative manner hurts him far more than the pains that wrack him. Yet it isn't just Neria that has faith in him, as Kaia has said much the same. They all support his decision, do not believe that he is causing problems within the cause and he trembles in belief that he does not deserve such valuable friends. When Cullen looks upon Neria and sees such concern and passion in her eyes, he thinks to himself that he hardly deserves her companionship either. ]
[ But she stops him from moving towards the vial, brings him to find balance against the wall again where their hands entangle and latch as they always have. Still, there is hurt in his eyes, and doubt causes him to shake his head. ]
What worth do I have of the Maker to bring you back? I care for you so much, yet I feel I do not deserve your faith and support.
[ Again, he reminds himself that she is right. He does this to make a point, to set an example to others who may feel the same as he has. It is not lost on him that he has found faith in a Mage, but Neria has always been a special woman among others. ]
no subject
[ He doesn't need to bring her back or beg for her to stay. Even if she should leave Skyhold, she will always find him again; she will always come back to his side. But this can't be about her. Cullen, for once in his life, needs to understand that his safety and his decisions matter. Kaia cannot support a commander who is dead; Cassandra cannot stand behind someone who is losing his sanity to lyrium addiction. Cullen has been happier, freer, off of the lyrium...even if he is in a great deal more pain now.
Neria twines their fingers together, tries to keep him rooted in the moment. He does not need it. ]
Cassandra believes in you. Your troops have faith in you, even if they do not know what you are going through. Kaia puts her absolute trust in you. You deserve that trust. I will tell you this now, I will tell you this tomorrow, I will tell it to you for the rest of my life if I must. You are important...and you have not let any of us down, least of all me.
[ Carefully, she stands in front of him, still holding his hand. She hopes to block his view of the vial for just a short time so he can look at her and her alone. ]
Stop thinking about us. What do you want, Cullen? Your wishes matter.
Tell me what you want to do, not what you're supposed to do.
no subject
[ The Inquisition depends on him, the Inquisitor depends on him and there are so many that carry faith in him. Their trust means the world to him, and it pains him to think he could even partially let them down. But Neria speaks otherwise, and Cullen has always held her opinion as high as his arms could possibly reach. ]
[ If he turns back to lyrium, he backs down on everything he stands for. He shows those around him that he can't follow through with his own goals, and that is not an option. No matter how much pain he is in, no matter how horrible the nightmares and the hallucinations have been, he has a point to make. And he wishes to be as far away from the things The Order has done as humanly possible. ]
[ For a moment, Cullen is silent, just taking time to look directly at Neria. The pain in his gaze is still there, but overtime it strengthens. Cullen's brow furrows, serious painting his features as he squeezes her hands. ]
I want to keep going.
[ To do otherwise would be to do him and everyone else a disservice. ]
I will persevere until these binds have truly been broken.
no subject
Neria gives his hands a gentle squeeze. ]
Then continue fighting. You don't need the lyrium. You have us, you have the Inquisition. Let us help you fight this. You aren't alone.
[ She releases him only long enough to go and collect the vial, holding it tightly in her hand. The impulse to crush it or set it alight is strong, terribly so, but for her to so brazenly use magic... No, not here. Instead, she turns back to Cullen and reaches for his hand again. ]
How do you want me to dispose of this?
no subject
[ He quickly looks away before he changes his mind, waving dismissively at it. The other is taken by Neria, where he instinctively squeezes it as the realization of ridding himself completely hits him. ]
There are soldiers here who have left a life as a Templar behind that might need it. We have a reserve of lyrium for them.
It... It can go there.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
WRONG JOURNAL, WOOPS
LMAO I WAS SO CONFUSED
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)