[ The year she had spent with her companions when she first became a Warden was the happiest time of her life. It's an odd thing to think about, that their every day forays with death and danger would be happy for her...but Neria had no family, no future, and in traveling with people she could trust and rely on, people she could love and care for, she found peace and solace. She found a home. And then, she had been complacent and overly hopeful, and the promise of a brighter tomorrow after the Blight seemed so far away. She never took the opportunity to tell them how she felt or how happy she had been, and in her desperation, she only ended up pushing them all away.
Not again. Never again, not with the people she has left, not with Leliana or Alistair or Cullen. She can't.
But that only scratches the surface. She has grown comfortable with Cullen, in their secrets and shared misery, in the care they have given one another. He has offered her hope when she had none, faith when she had lost it all. Can she do nothing less than offer the same? And her feelings, how she's grown attached-- She can't deny those, either, even if it is difficult to put them to words or know the extent of them at this juncture. They are grown; he is not her guardian and she is not his charge. The boundaries they had no longer apply. He is her friend, her ally, her comrade, and her partner. That has been enough.
Does she want more? She has to search herself, but the answer is yes. Is she ready for it? That...she does not know. But she knows she wants to support him, to walk beside him and be with him, and that can be suitable enough for her to make the offer she has. ]
I don't know how I would be complacent in doing this, and I certainly wouldn't be weighing myself down. Cullen, you're my friend, you are--
[ The words stick. She doesn't want him to think he is only a friend, that this will spin nowhere, and that she is putting a wall between them. She just doesn't know how to express how she feels when she hasn't done it before with anyone else like this. ]
You are important to me. Like it or not, I care about you. And I want to be here with you. This... All of this wouldn't be the same without you here. Why would I feel like you - you, of all people - are holding me down?
[ Just as she always has managed, the hurt that began burning within him is smoothed over by the genuine touch only Neria has. He's not used to this... To having feel so much for one person, and to know that it is nearly the same for the other. There is no doubt that his fellow advisors care for him, that Cassandra cares. Cullen has had the privilege of fighting beside so many incredible people, who trust him and support his decisions. But none have given as much as Neria has, both in what little had happened between them those ten years ago, and what she has given him in the weeks that followed her joining the cause. In their partnership, they have a trust and bond that no one else can touch. ]
[ To know that she cares for him as much as he cares for her? It is quite possibly the best gift he has ever been given. Neria reassures him, tells him that this is not out of pity or obligation, but out of a strong attachment they share. His heart swells, his cheeks warm and the smile he gives is finally genuine when he looks her in the eye. ]
I suppose it would be cruel to argue any further.
[ He laughs. ]
Forgive me. My intention was not to accuse you of offering out of obligation or pity. I'm sure that is how it came across.
I just...
[ Cullen swallows thickly, his thumbs roll lazy circles along her knuckles, where letting go of her hands might mean the end of him at this point. Even with how he nervously seems to tremble. He isn't good at these kinds of talks, of finding himself this close to someone. ]
I care for you just as much. I berate myself for having allowed myself to become so attached to you, but I saw the futility in avoiding such a thing as soon as you entered Skyhold. What I felt ten years ago never left me, no matter how much I protested.
The idea of you leaving? After all this and all we've been through? Reconciled?
I shiver at the thought. It pains me to think of a life without you. If you are to stay without regret, and not out of obligation?
I swear on my life that I will make it worth your while.
[ It pains me to think of a life without you. And she had left him for ten years believing she was dead. Neria tries to quell the guilt and while she does not quite succeed, she manages to at least set it aside for the moment. She has hurt so many people and she still feels so frustrated with her own naivety and blindness to think that letting him believe she was gone was ever a good choice. They had not departed on good terms, that much is true...but he deserved better. She is trying to make it up to him.
She doesn't want to leave. If she has to, she will, and she has no qualms with returning to the work she once focused on. But the idea of going back to that old structure, to the loneliness and the quiet, fills her with dread.
Perhaps he has made her complacent in wanting something more, in hoping for more out of her existence. She knows if she insinuated such, he would tell her that she deserves more than she allows. Neria lets out a shaky exhale of nerves, her hands never leaving his. She isn't very good about communicating her feelings without the cup overflowing. All of this is new to her. But she wants to try, at least. ]
I don't...want to leave. But I also know that no one is obligated to offer me a chance to stay in any capacity, not after...everything.
[ And he can argue that all he wishes, but the truth is plain: she is a stranger to almost everyone and her last 'good deed' was in killing the Archdemon ten years prior. By all rights, she isn't owed anything.
It's obvious that for all her silver-tongued glibness when it comes to most anything else, speaking from the heart is more difficult for her, as it is for him. She swallows, finally slipping one hand from his grip so she can lift it to his face. Her thumb brushes over his cheek. ]
I don't need promises. You should know that I haven't been this content in ten years. And I haven't felt anything this...this strong or-- I'm happier with you than I was. I would be at peace with this, if you'd allow me.
[ He questions not where this is going, what all of this means. Cullen finds comfort in not only her words, but her gestures, and he hangs on to every single one. To know that he has caused her happiness means the world to him and sets his heart at ease. Knowing that she doesn't want to leave does just as much, if not more. Even if the Inquisition were to relieve her, he would certainly do all he could to keep her there. ]
You honor me with such words.
[ Cullen reaches for the hand that cups his face, holding it a brief moment before his hand caresses her forearm. ]
I would not have it any other way, my lady. Anything you want from me, anything I can give... It is yours.
[ They were planning an attack at the Winter Palace not too long ago. But Cullen couldn't say when things too such a strange turn. Though he worries not, especially not when he finds himself lost in her gaze, content in her touch where he seeks out more. Once he would have considered this inappropriate, and part of him still does... But she is no longer his charge, now his equal and his partner. There is no guilt in how he looks at her and how she touches him, and it brings a smile to his face. ]
You've already given me so much. There's nothing else I can ask for.
[ He has given her loyalty, solace, comfort, patience... Things she has not felt worthy of in such a long time. Even now, she doesn't feel worthy of what he's given her. If anyone feels honored, it is her, and she has no way to properly express that to him that won't incite another roundabout discussion. Her hand falls from his cheek to his jaw, cradling it there, her eyes never leaving his face. If anything is to happen between them, if anything should happen to them, if she should lose him... She wants to memorize this moment, to remember the way he looks at her now. If she has to leave, she will remember this and keep it with her for the rest of her days.
Cullen has accepted her, sins and all, and it hurts her chest just as it makes her heart swell to bursting.
And she says nothing for some time, uncertain, until her hand squeezes his and she clears her throat. Her gaze drops from his but the smile remains, crooked and awkward. ]
We should...focus on what we were doing. We'll have to leave and prepare.
[ It's so difficult to say those words but they have a duty to fulfill. She's promised herself that she won't let this chance fall by the wayside, and she won't. But for now...the Inquisition needs the both of them focused on the task at hand, lest something happen in their ignorance. ]
But we can return to this another time. I promise.
[ Silence falls over them so quickly, lasting the better half of an eternity. Cullen cannot find enough comfort in that, and he is content to simply get lost in her gaze until he draws his final breath. What has been forged between them and what is to come is unknown, unsaid. But it is in Neria's gaze and the way she touches his face so fondly that he can only assume that this doesn't end here. No matter what goes on outside of this room and what is to occur in their near future, there is confidence in this. In what is before them, even as unnamed as it may be. ]
[ Cullen finds himself holding on to her arm, a gentle grasp where his thumb caresses soft skin. Such a contrast to the hardened figure that she maintains, that has seen so much battle and bloodshed. He could only see her as an angel, truly, even with the darkness that follows her and often shrouds her in guilt and despair. What he would do to wash all of that away for her, to give her another chance she so rightfully deserves. Even if she doesn't think so. ]
[ His eyes fall upon her lips, where they remain for some time. What should he do? Should he act upon feelings that have bottled up for so long? Or should he maintain the propriety that he should expect to be held as they are partners in command? It's clear that it is only he who feels this way, judging by the constant prying his fellow advisors and leader have maintained since her arrival. But before he can even act or say another word, Neria lets go and turns back to their work. ]
[ Right. There are more important matters to attend to first. Cullen breaks away, hand immediately retreating to the back of his neck to nurse a nervous tick. ]
Yes. You're right.
[ Letting go of her hand is nearly painful, as if he is tearing his own limb. But they can continue this discussion at a later, unknown date. ]
Alright.
[ The rest of the evening is left for planning and arranging the proper forms of contact needed. They send for messenger birds, ones who will arrive with the plans necessary before their return to Skyhold. The journey itself takes some time, crossing from Crestwood back to the Frostbacks where they will immediately take leave for Halamshiral. It is a slow process, an agonizing journey where tensions are high among all of them. There is no telling as to whether or not Corypheus will truly be there, or what his followers have in store. ]
[ The matter at hand is particularly in regards to Duke Gaspard and Briala, where the tensions of civil war have made taking sides both all too simple and dangerous amongst the other advisors. There are talks, debates on the way to the palace, but they are silenced quickly once they are to pass through the gates. From then on, it is all about playing the Game and playing it right, to which Cullen absolutely dreads. ]
[ He is provided a post, just as the rest of them. With Cullen and Neria having arranged their proper groups just outside of the palace walls. His post is within the ballroom, where he attempts to remain both quiet and appear to be interested in the party. Upon delegation and discussion with the Inquisitor, he awaits both information and command she sees fit to provide. ]
[ Time will move slowly, just as it tends to do in times of stress and eagerness. What feels like hours are merely a few minutes, though it is shocking to see how quickly a crowd of people have decided to circle around him. He feels alone in a sea of strangers, blood boiling as they fawn over him like a caged creature. ]
Good evening. [ He forces a smile and bow to a gentleman approaching him, one out of many. While Cullen can't see behind the shining mask that covers him, he certainly can feel the shit-eating grin that radiates behind it. ]
It certainly is, Commander. [ The gentleman gives a bow, almost too eagerly. ] Now that I have gotten myself both acquainted with the Inquisition and the fine festivities-- You stand out so gallantly in such a marvelous shade of crimson. Far finer than even the décor surrounding us.
[ Cullen shifts his glance away, clearing his throat. ]
I, er--
Thank... You?
[ The gentleman laughs. ] Modest? Surely, you hear compliments such as that often.
[ Cullen can't press against the wall hard enough, especially when a couple gaggling women adjacent to him have to agree. And passionately. ]
I have heard... Enough remarks similar. Mostly just tonight.
[ Planning for the affair seems easier, in hindsight, to actually attending the soiree. Duke Gaspard has taken it upon himself to invite them, either to cheat Celene out of the chance or because he needs the protection and backing the Inquisition offers. In either case, they make their way into the ballroom and to their respective posts upon being announced to the room, and Neria has to do her best to keep still. She wants to be moving around, investigating, asking questions...but she has acquiesced to the Inquisitor's request that she take a position to help keep eyes out for the usurper in their midst.
The nobility that approach her seem torn between fascination and fear, all questioning whether she is a ghost or if select rumors have some merit (that the Breach brought her back from the grave, that the Herald might be dabbling in blood magic) that she spends the better part of an hour denying every which way.
Interest in her, at least, seems to wax and wane then; there are still individuals interested in speaking to her (and making foolish passes, of course), but the majority of people more interested in gathering dirt on the Inquisitor or making Neria out to be some kind of monster seem to pass on to pester the other advisors and the Inquisitor's companions. It's then that she is better able to scan the room for their potential target, anyone suspicious--
And her eyes land on Cullen in the corner, practically surrounded by various people. She can't help but smile; he's as uncomfortable as a mage in a Templar mess hall, fidgeting under the scrutinizing gaze of so many people.
Carefully, she slips away from her post just to go lend him a hand. ]
Commander.
[ Her voice alone is enough to get a few heads to turn. She doesn't smile, regarding the scene as if she would judge recruits. ]
Commander, the Inquisitor requests your presence in the foyer.
[ He tries to remind himself often that this should be the least of his worries right now, and that the persistent company he is keeping is far less threatening than what awaits them. Though, the usurper could easily be amongst those who are crowding him, and Cullen is forced to make face through the entirety of it. There is a lingering headache that begins to grow, and his face hurts from the smile he has faked since the beginning. ]
[ The familiar voice that calls him from beyond the crowd is welcomed and comforting, immediately. Even if there is likely bad news to follow, being pulled away from this crowd is certainly preferable to what is likely in store for him. Cullen hears the disappointing moans of a few when they clear way for Neria. ]
[ His gaze meets with hers, testing it, wondering and hoping she is truly just trying to pull him away. Cullen matches her expression. ]
Very well.
[ He bows his head in the direction of his company. ]
If you would excuse me, please.
[ And he walks by, hearing the plea of a woman requesting he not take too long. It's in that passing that he feels what can only likely be a hand brushing along his behind that he pauses, darting his head back to look and realizing he is too late to catch who did it. ]
[ Cullen straightens himself, makes face, and quickly comes to Neria's side. Quietly, he gestures for her to lead. ]
[ Neria only lifts a single eyebrow at the crowd, as if testing what they will say. Her eyes scan their faces, all hidden by masks, and she tries to pick out any obvious characteristics among them. Surely there must be something they are missing, something obvious. A sneer, a chuckle, someone carrying themselves differently... But there's nothing, always nothing.
What are they missing?
She keeps her expression as unchanging as possible, all professional even as Cullen joins her, and especially as she hears the quiet giggles as Cullen turns back. She leads him out of the throng and far enough away from his admirers before she speaks. ]
I'm starting to miss fighting Darkspawn. I'd take mindless monsters over mindless airheads tonight.
[ At least the older men and women in the gathering tonight have provided enough intellectual discussion for her not to feel as if she might scream. Neria enjoys the Game for what it is, for the calculated measures, but the sheer level of foolishness in some of the attendees tonight leave much to be desired. ]
She's not actually looking for you, you know. I thought you could use some air after...all of that.
[ And it gives them the opportunity to get a different perspective on the area they've been watching for some time. ]
[ Cullen has run into a similar issue, unable to read those around him. It is as frustrating as it is discomforting, knowing that any moment they could see a greater threat in the midst. It doesn't help that Cullen isn't much a fan of parties. ]
[ Once they reach a decent distance from the crowd, Cullen is able to breathe. He exhales heavily, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. ]
Maker, the headache this is giving me. I would hate to sound cruel, but I can't help but agree with you. How Josephine deals with such matters often is beyond me. I can't help but admire her tenacity with these sorts of people.
[ His hand drops, and he meets Neria's gaze, a relieved smile. ]
Because most people aren't this foolish in their hedonism. The narcissism in this room could be cut with a knife. At least Josephine has worked with more intelligent and stimulating characters over the past few months.
[ The masks make her uncomfortable, too, truth be told. They are a few faces in a sea of unknowns and it makes her almost sick to her stomach. She can't turn in any direction without being faced by someone with gold or silver adornments or false smiles in place. It's terribly distracting.
She gives Cullen a brief smile as well as they walk towards the large doors leading to the foyer. ]
Don't thank me yet. I've bought you a few minutes at best. We can't spend too long away from our posts, even though Leliana and Josephine have their eyes on the floor too. Still, it seemed a fine excuse for the moment.
[ There is a nauseating feeling this place gives him, the masks merely encouraging it deep in the pit of his stomach. Everything done and said sounds so fake, so rehearsed. While Cullen is used to holding immediate suspicion to strangers surrounding him, there is a far more difficult challenge in reading the people here. He's spent this whole time eagerly and anxiously awaiting what the Inquisitor's investigations find, stuck in a corner to await orders. It feels terribly agonizing, even if it is productive all the same. ]
[ Once they arrive to the foyer, Cullen finds refuge at a railing, where his hands rest along the surface and prop him up for a lean. ]
With how painfully slow this evening has started to play out, mere minutes may last an eternity. I'll find relief in even thirty seconds away from those people. Here's to hoping they give up and move away from my post.
[ But he's sure they won't. And Cullen wears a crooked smile to such a thought. He turns a touch, facing her while one elbow leans on the railing for support. ]
How are you fairing? Word has already flown clear across the ballroom about you quite possibly being a demon having escaped the afterlife. No doubt they've had quite the time pointing out the irony in my partnering with you.
[ While he takes a moment to recuperate, she stands tall, her eyes on the people milling about around them. Still, there's no sign of anyone of import, though she can see a few dwarves hanging about in the upstairs. A few former generals have congregated nearby and are muttering war stories to one another, while others gossip in a corner nearby. No one has any real tells and there are far too many people for the four of them to keep track of. At least the Empress is surrounded by her guards for the moment.
Unless the guards have a traitor in their midst. Maker, this is getting to be too much.
She makes a quiet little noise, not quite a chuckle, and she shakes her head. ]
Oh, there's a myriad of things being said. I've been possessed by a demon from the Breach, that you're keeping me on a tight leash lest I lose my mind. That the Inquisitor practices blood magic. That I brought Corypheus' archdemon with me as I was spit back up from the Void. Take your pick, they're all equally ridiculous.
[ Spurred on by boredom and bred by fear of the Inquisition's power, as well as Kaia's mysterious hand. ]
At the very least, they seem frightened enough of me to resist trying to fondle any of my assets.
[ Tied in with the stress of the situation, the absolutely awful rumors are enough to make his head spin. Though, this was to be expected. It is understandable that doubtfuls would find her ten-year absence a cause for concern when she so suddenly appears out of nowhere. But Neria would not be the first to put herself in exile. ]
[ Cullen can't help but chuckle at the mention of a "tight leash". Such a thought is as despicable as it is ridiculous. And it only ties back in to the supposed irony he has been accused of living in. ]
You would think the dire situation we are in would hold higher precedence than mere rumor and the spitting of poison.
[ He raises a brow at that clear mention she made of being fondled. ]
You saw that? I couldn't have possibly turned around any faster and I still could not find the culprit. Perhaps I am not maintaining a threatening enough posture. Surely, you must show me how to be more intimidating.
Well, remember that we're present and our enemies are not. If we could convince Corypheus to come here himself, he'd probably have just as much of a headache with the amount of rumors and hearsay they'd inquire about. It's really not a wonder why he's determined to destroy the world.
[ That last bit, of course, is dripping in sarcasm. She gives Cullen a brief sideways glance. ]
And if you think people wouldn't use the moment to ask him to confirm or deny their little fabricated tales, you would be very wrong.
[ For all that everyone seems to be afraid of Neria being a demon, a corpse, or worse, no one has actively tried to avoid her. She doubts a walking, talking Darkspawn would be treated as anything but a novelty once the terror had worn off. She shakes her head, putting both hands out to lean on the railing for a moment. ]
Truthfully? I think they believe I'm more intimidating than I am. But if I want to impress, I just remind myself this: anything a person can do pales in comparison to facing down an Archdemon in a city on fire.
[ Her smile is just this side of self-deprecating. ]
After that, it's not so frightening to look down at leaders and world-shakers.
If only it were that easy. I'd almost prefer Corypheus make his presence here so we can get it over with, rather than deal with all of this ridiculous game nonsense and blatant narcissism.
But the rational part of me pleads I be careful what I wish for.
[ His nose wrinkles at the mention of being more intimidating. Neria is hardly the sort, but she's apparently done better among the guests than he has. ]
At this point, I would be better off adorning deeper scars across my face. I just hope this night plays out quicker. The air here is thick and I don't quite enjoy being so possibly close to a potential assassin without knowing.
Only if he shows up in silks and furs and is made to dance like everyone else here. And then he can fall on the Inquisitor's blade at the end of the night.
[ Too bad that's a fantasy that will never come to light. Neria turns and leans her hip against the railing, keeping an eye on the door for a few moments. Her gaze quickly flickers back to him as she shakes her head, and she reaches out to touch his arm for a moment. ]
Your face is fine as it is. And you are allowed to tell them to bugger off, you know. Just...politely.
[ Realizing that perhaps touching him is showing too much, she releases him, allowing the gesture to look more friendly than anything else. ]
[ But yes, it is a distant fantasy that will likely never happen, and Cullen moves on from the idea. His attention shifts back and forth from the door to Neria, keeping an eye out in case it is necessary. So far, nothing too exciting, and his attention is brought back to Neria when he feels her arm reach for him. It's more comforting than she might think, and Cullen manages a smile for her. ]
I am here to maintain appearances. If this is what I must endure for the sake of a victory, I'll do so. The last thing I want is to cause reason to feel insulted, and we both know how touchy some of these people are.
[ He clears his throat when she lets go, straightening his posture as he lowers his voice. ]
I can't be so sure. I have heard enough talks among the crowd, and Leliana's sources tell me of Briala having been a past lover of the Empress. There is enough motive after being made practically a prisoner to the court to at least arrange an assassination. But I've yet to hear much beyond that to support taking a side.
I can understand why the Duke sees it fit to take place on the throne. Military backing is important when running an empire, and it appears Celine is not as serious on the matter as he. She would be right to spend more time organizing protection rather than keeping appearances.
Why the Duke might be a suspect is still beyond me. It is yet to be shown, and we'll do right to await the Inquisitor's findings.
[ He looks back at her, his normally serious expression firmly in place. ]
[ Fair enough. He has more patience than she...but he has always been in a role where it has been necessary for him to maintain a certain decorum. She has gone too long without needing to adhere to many rules, half of her life spent in the Circle and the other half as a Warden. She gives him a smile as he turns to look at her, and her brighter expression sobers up quickly.
They are here to work. She remembers that, even if she'd rather see him continue to smile.
Neria hums thoughtfully, glancing over his shoulder to keep an eye on the rest of the room at his back as he speaks. When she replies, it is quiet, her tone low. ]
The Duke could equally be as desperate. I'll agree that it seems unlikely he would align himself with Corypheus; he seems the type to prefer something less subtle, something that would reclaim his honor as he ascends the throne. Aligning with a magister won't do that.
Briala... Calculated, possibly dangerous, but I don't think she would help Corypheus of her own accord. I don't believe she'd try to kill Celene, either. Not outright, not here. She has plenty of other opportunities, and to have the Empress killed at her own party will have her be martyred for it.
[ Neria pauses, thinking that over. ]
Or, perhaps that's all the more reason to do it tonight... Still, I don't think she's the type.
[ Briefly, her eyes follow a couple as they steal away into the trophy hallway and are, of course, berated by the older generals still conversing about their war days. She frowns. ]
...What if Celene is the one working with Corypheus to ensure her place on the throne? And tonight, he's sending someone to kill her so he can take it for himself?
[ Neria poses a good point, and Cullen doesn't outright disagree. Not now, and certainly not when neither of them have decent evidence to properly investigate. He crosses his arms, one hand grasping his chin gently has he has yet another look around. He can hear whispers in the distance, a pair of gentleman speaking of how Gaspard is a fool. There is another group of people not too far spending more time complaining about the food than matters at hand. All ridiculous yammer, which makes it all the more necessary to focus back on Neria. ]
There... Is a chance at that, I am sure. We've both seen how likely corruption is, and I wouldn't be surprised to see if the Empress fell to similar temptations.
[ Cullen lowers his arms and shakes his head. ]
But I don't believe she would go such lengths. All things considered, Celene is a well put-together woman, far more concerned about peace to fall victim to chaos. Either way, Corypheus wouldn't need the threat of her as an inside agent as an excuse.
I hope Kaia is able to gather information fast. Time is of the essence, and the longer we are here, the greater risk we pose for ourselves.
Whoever it is, they won't be someone who's new to the court. They would have had to receive an invitation to come, someone she trusts or has some tie to. The arrow or the knife might not be in their hands, but it will be someone she knows. Of that, I'm certain.
[ She bristles and nods, finally looking back at him. She has faith in the Inquisitor and her companions, and knows she will find something. They're running out of time...but for the moment, Celene appears safe. Surrounded by guards, by her cousin and Briala, Neria believes she is out of danger for the time being.
With a gesture, she steps away, nodding to the doors. ]
Come, we should return before too much time has passed. Leliana and Josephine are probably wondering where we've slipped off to.
[ And it isn't until she's close to the doors that she realizes how that must sound. She rolls her eyes and turns back to Cullen as she opens the door for him. ]
I mean-- You know what I mean. They're probably worried for...
[ It's then that she pauses, seeing something over his shoulder. All color seems to drain from her face. ]
Morrigan?
[ Even from a distance, she recognizes her...and recognizes Kaia herself descending the stairs with her, the both of them locked in a conversation. Neria takes Cullen's arm and pulls him with her through the doors so she can have a better look at the both of them speaking, her eyes wide. What is she doing here, and why is she speaking to the Inquisitor?
[ Cullen nods to her point, though he doesn't have much time to add his own two-cents to it. It doesn't matter, because he agrees. It matters not who is the culprit or where they came from, just that Empress Celene trusts that person enough to have sent them an invitation. Such a heart-breaking fact, but it is true. ]
Oh, come on, surely they don't think we're--
[ He stops, watching as the color leaves Neria's face and she grasps onto his arm and pulls. His gaze looks upon where hers is, seeing the Inquisitor and Morrigan in the distance. He knows... Of her at the very least, but why spark such a reaction from Neria? ]
[ Years ago, Morrigan had told Neria that they would not meet again. She had watched her friend disappear through an Eluvian to untold lands, with a child she had never seen. To see her again brings back all of those memories again in full force...as well as all of the guilt once more. She's kept silent because of Morrigan, for her safety. To see her here in a ball gown, walking amidst the other nobles as if she's one of them--
She doesn't know what to say. How is she here? How did no one know that she was here?
For several moments, she is silent, simply looking back at Morrigan and Kaia. Then, she turns to him and shakes her head. ]
No. It's... I need to speak with Leliana...but that will have to wait. We should get back to our posts.
[ Surely Leliana must know. But if she did, why did no one tell her? ]
[ He senses it... Whether or not he knows what the issue is, he senses fear and dread in Neria. Even as they pass through the doors to the ballroom, Cullen holds no concern for those around him for the time being. Even with how serious the matters at hand are now, it is just as important that his partner's well being is intact. Cullen stops in front of her, hands reaching out to grab each arm gently. ]
Our posts can wait another moment.
Are you alright?
[ There's that serious gaze of his again, if not without a large touch of worry. ]
[ She can't do this right now. There are too many questions on her own for her to ask before she can even begin to touch on what is really wrong, and even then... She needs to keep Morrigan safe. The moment someone knows the origins of her son and what is possibly within him, she will be in danger, and even this many years later, she refuses to give up the truth on that.
Neria looks up at Cullen as he takes her arms, and she lifts a hand to touch his briefly, just for a moment. ]
I'm fine. I will be fine. I simply...
[ No, not here. Not where people can hear them. ]
I promise, we'll speak about this later. I promise. But I swear, I am fine. I was simply surprised to see her.
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Not again. Never again, not with the people she has left, not with Leliana or Alistair or Cullen. She can't.
But that only scratches the surface. She has grown comfortable with Cullen, in their secrets and shared misery, in the care they have given one another. He has offered her hope when she had none, faith when she had lost it all. Can she do nothing less than offer the same? And her feelings, how she's grown attached-- She can't deny those, either, even if it is difficult to put them to words or know the extent of them at this juncture. They are grown; he is not her guardian and she is not his charge. The boundaries they had no longer apply. He is her friend, her ally, her comrade, and her partner. That has been enough.
Does she want more? She has to search herself, but the answer is yes. Is she ready for it? That...she does not know. But she knows she wants to support him, to walk beside him and be with him, and that can be suitable enough for her to make the offer she has. ]
I don't know how I would be complacent in doing this, and I certainly wouldn't be weighing myself down. Cullen, you're my friend, you are--
[ The words stick. She doesn't want him to think he is only a friend, that this will spin nowhere, and that she is putting a wall between them. She just doesn't know how to express how she feels when she hasn't done it before with anyone else like this. ]
You are important to me. Like it or not, I care about you. And I want to be here with you. This... All of this wouldn't be the same without you here. Why would I feel like you - you, of all people - are holding me down?
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[ To know that she cares for him as much as he cares for her? It is quite possibly the best gift he has ever been given. Neria reassures him, tells him that this is not out of pity or obligation, but out of a strong attachment they share. His heart swells, his cheeks warm and the smile he gives is finally genuine when he looks her in the eye. ]
I suppose it would be cruel to argue any further.
[ He laughs. ]
Forgive me. My intention was not to accuse you of offering out of obligation or pity. I'm sure that is how it came across.
I just...
[ Cullen swallows thickly, his thumbs roll lazy circles along her knuckles, where letting go of her hands might mean the end of him at this point. Even with how he nervously seems to tremble. He isn't good at these kinds of talks, of finding himself this close to someone. ]
I care for you just as much. I berate myself for having allowed myself to become so attached to you, but I saw the futility in avoiding such a thing as soon as you entered Skyhold. What I felt ten years ago never left me, no matter how much I protested.
The idea of you leaving? After all this and all we've been through? Reconciled?
I shiver at the thought. It pains me to think of a life without you. If you are to stay without regret, and not out of obligation?
I swear on my life that I will make it worth your while.
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She doesn't want to leave. If she has to, she will, and she has no qualms with returning to the work she once focused on. But the idea of going back to that old structure, to the loneliness and the quiet, fills her with dread.
Perhaps he has made her complacent in wanting something more, in hoping for more out of her existence. She knows if she insinuated such, he would tell her that she deserves more than she allows. Neria lets out a shaky exhale of nerves, her hands never leaving his. She isn't very good about communicating her feelings without the cup overflowing. All of this is new to her. But she wants to try, at least. ]
I don't...want to leave. But I also know that no one is obligated to offer me a chance to stay in any capacity, not after...everything.
[ And he can argue that all he wishes, but the truth is plain: she is a stranger to almost everyone and her last 'good deed' was in killing the Archdemon ten years prior. By all rights, she isn't owed anything.
It's obvious that for all her silver-tongued glibness when it comes to most anything else, speaking from the heart is more difficult for her, as it is for him. She swallows, finally slipping one hand from his grip so she can lift it to his face. Her thumb brushes over his cheek. ]
I don't need promises. You should know that I haven't been this content in ten years. And I haven't felt anything this...this strong or-- I'm happier with you than I was. I would be at peace with this, if you'd allow me.
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You honor me with such words.
[ Cullen reaches for the hand that cups his face, holding it a brief moment before his hand caresses her forearm. ]
I would not have it any other way, my lady. Anything you want from me, anything I can give... It is yours.
[ They were planning an attack at the Winter Palace not too long ago. But Cullen couldn't say when things too such a strange turn. Though he worries not, especially not when he finds himself lost in her gaze, content in her touch where he seeks out more. Once he would have considered this inappropriate, and part of him still does... But she is no longer his charge, now his equal and his partner. There is no guilt in how he looks at her and how she touches him, and it brings a smile to his face. ]
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[ He has given her loyalty, solace, comfort, patience... Things she has not felt worthy of in such a long time. Even now, she doesn't feel worthy of what he's given her. If anyone feels honored, it is her, and she has no way to properly express that to him that won't incite another roundabout discussion. Her hand falls from his cheek to his jaw, cradling it there, her eyes never leaving his face. If anything is to happen between them, if anything should happen to them, if she should lose him... She wants to memorize this moment, to remember the way he looks at her now. If she has to leave, she will remember this and keep it with her for the rest of her days.
Cullen has accepted her, sins and all, and it hurts her chest just as it makes her heart swell to bursting.
And she says nothing for some time, uncertain, until her hand squeezes his and she clears her throat. Her gaze drops from his but the smile remains, crooked and awkward. ]
We should...focus on what we were doing. We'll have to leave and prepare.
[ It's so difficult to say those words but they have a duty to fulfill. She's promised herself that she won't let this chance fall by the wayside, and she won't. But for now...the Inquisition needs the both of them focused on the task at hand, lest something happen in their ignorance. ]
But we can return to this another time. I promise.
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[ Cullen finds himself holding on to her arm, a gentle grasp where his thumb caresses soft skin. Such a contrast to the hardened figure that she maintains, that has seen so much battle and bloodshed. He could only see her as an angel, truly, even with the darkness that follows her and often shrouds her in guilt and despair. What he would do to wash all of that away for her, to give her another chance she so rightfully deserves. Even if she doesn't think so. ]
[ His eyes fall upon her lips, where they remain for some time. What should he do? Should he act upon feelings that have bottled up for so long? Or should he maintain the propriety that he should expect to be held as they are partners in command? It's clear that it is only he who feels this way, judging by the constant prying his fellow advisors and leader have maintained since her arrival. But before he can even act or say another word, Neria lets go and turns back to their work. ]
[ Right. There are more important matters to attend to first. Cullen breaks away, hand immediately retreating to the back of his neck to nurse a nervous tick. ]
Yes. You're right.
[ Letting go of her hand is nearly painful, as if he is tearing his own limb. But they can continue this discussion at a later, unknown date. ]
Alright.
[ The rest of the evening is left for planning and arranging the proper forms of contact needed. They send for messenger birds, ones who will arrive with the plans necessary before their return to Skyhold. The journey itself takes some time, crossing from Crestwood back to the Frostbacks where they will immediately take leave for Halamshiral. It is a slow process, an agonizing journey where tensions are high among all of them. There is no telling as to whether or not Corypheus will truly be there, or what his followers have in store. ]
[ The matter at hand is particularly in regards to Duke Gaspard and Briala, where the tensions of civil war have made taking sides both all too simple and dangerous amongst the other advisors. There are talks, debates on the way to the palace, but they are silenced quickly once they are to pass through the gates. From then on, it is all about playing the Game and playing it right, to which Cullen absolutely dreads. ]
[ He is provided a post, just as the rest of them. With Cullen and Neria having arranged their proper groups just outside of the palace walls. His post is within the ballroom, where he attempts to remain both quiet and appear to be interested in the party. Upon delegation and discussion with the Inquisitor, he awaits both information and command she sees fit to provide. ]
[ Time will move slowly, just as it tends to do in times of stress and eagerness. What feels like hours are merely a few minutes, though it is shocking to see how quickly a crowd of people have decided to circle around him. He feels alone in a sea of strangers, blood boiling as they fawn over him like a caged creature. ]
Good evening. [ He forces a smile and bow to a gentleman approaching him, one out of many. While Cullen can't see behind the shining mask that covers him, he certainly can feel the shit-eating grin that radiates behind it. ]
It certainly is, Commander. [ The gentleman gives a bow, almost too eagerly. ] Now that I have gotten myself both acquainted with the Inquisition and the fine festivities-- You stand out so gallantly in such a marvelous shade of crimson. Far finer than even the décor surrounding us.
[ Cullen shifts his glance away, clearing his throat. ]
I, er--
Thank... You?
[ The gentleman laughs. ] Modest? Surely, you hear compliments such as that often.
[ Cullen can't press against the wall hard enough, especially when a couple gaggling women adjacent to him have to agree. And passionately. ]
I have heard... Enough remarks similar. Mostly just tonight.
[ This party needs to end. Now. ]
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The nobility that approach her seem torn between fascination and fear, all questioning whether she is a ghost or if select rumors have some merit (that the Breach brought her back from the grave, that the Herald might be dabbling in blood magic) that she spends the better part of an hour denying every which way.
Interest in her, at least, seems to wax and wane then; there are still individuals interested in speaking to her (and making foolish passes, of course), but the majority of people more interested in gathering dirt on the Inquisitor or making Neria out to be some kind of monster seem to pass on to pester the other advisors and the Inquisitor's companions. It's then that she is better able to scan the room for their potential target, anyone suspicious--
And her eyes land on Cullen in the corner, practically surrounded by various people. She can't help but smile; he's as uncomfortable as a mage in a Templar mess hall, fidgeting under the scrutinizing gaze of so many people.
Carefully, she slips away from her post just to go lend him a hand. ]
Commander.
[ Her voice alone is enough to get a few heads to turn. She doesn't smile, regarding the scene as if she would judge recruits. ]
Commander, the Inquisitor requests your presence in the foyer.
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[ The familiar voice that calls him from beyond the crowd is welcomed and comforting, immediately. Even if there is likely bad news to follow, being pulled away from this crowd is certainly preferable to what is likely in store for him. Cullen hears the disappointing moans of a few when they clear way for Neria. ]
[ His gaze meets with hers, testing it, wondering and hoping she is truly just trying to pull him away. Cullen matches her expression. ]
Very well.
[ He bows his head in the direction of his company. ]
If you would excuse me, please.
[ And he walks by, hearing the plea of a woman requesting he not take too long. It's in that passing that he feels what can only likely be a hand brushing along his behind that he pauses, darting his head back to look and realizing he is too late to catch who did it. ]
[ Cullen straightens himself, makes face, and quickly comes to Neria's side. Quietly, he gestures for her to lead. ]
After you, Warden-Commander.
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What are they missing?
She keeps her expression as unchanging as possible, all professional even as Cullen joins her, and especially as she hears the quiet giggles as Cullen turns back. She leads him out of the throng and far enough away from his admirers before she speaks. ]
I'm starting to miss fighting Darkspawn. I'd take mindless monsters over mindless airheads tonight.
[ At least the older men and women in the gathering tonight have provided enough intellectual discussion for her not to feel as if she might scream. Neria enjoys the Game for what it is, for the calculated measures, but the sheer level of foolishness in some of the attendees tonight leave much to be desired. ]
She's not actually looking for you, you know. I thought you could use some air after...all of that.
[ And it gives them the opportunity to get a different perspective on the area they've been watching for some time. ]
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[ Once they reach a decent distance from the crowd, Cullen is able to breathe. He exhales heavily, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. ]
Maker, the headache this is giving me. I would hate to sound cruel, but I can't help but agree with you. How Josephine deals with such matters often is beyond me. I can't help but admire her tenacity with these sorts of people.
[ His hand drops, and he meets Neria's gaze, a relieved smile. ]
Thank you. You've earned many a favor from me.
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[ The masks make her uncomfortable, too, truth be told. They are a few faces in a sea of unknowns and it makes her almost sick to her stomach. She can't turn in any direction without being faced by someone with gold or silver adornments or false smiles in place. It's terribly distracting.
She gives Cullen a brief smile as well as they walk towards the large doors leading to the foyer. ]
Don't thank me yet. I've bought you a few minutes at best. We can't spend too long away from our posts, even though Leliana and Josephine have their eyes on the floor too. Still, it seemed a fine excuse for the moment.
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[ Once they arrive to the foyer, Cullen finds refuge at a railing, where his hands rest along the surface and prop him up for a lean. ]
With how painfully slow this evening has started to play out, mere minutes may last an eternity. I'll find relief in even thirty seconds away from those people. Here's to hoping they give up and move away from my post.
[ But he's sure they won't. And Cullen wears a crooked smile to such a thought. He turns a touch, facing her while one elbow leans on the railing for support. ]
How are you fairing? Word has already flown clear across the ballroom about you quite possibly being a demon having escaped the afterlife. No doubt they've had quite the time pointing out the irony in my partnering with you.
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Unless the guards have a traitor in their midst. Maker, this is getting to be too much.
She makes a quiet little noise, not quite a chuckle, and she shakes her head. ]
Oh, there's a myriad of things being said. I've been possessed by a demon from the Breach, that you're keeping me on a tight leash lest I lose my mind. That the Inquisitor practices blood magic. That I brought Corypheus' archdemon with me as I was spit back up from the Void. Take your pick, they're all equally ridiculous.
[ Spurred on by boredom and bred by fear of the Inquisition's power, as well as Kaia's mysterious hand. ]
At the very least, they seem frightened enough of me to resist trying to fondle any of my assets.
[ Unlike some. She gives him a wry smile. ]
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[ Cullen can't help but chuckle at the mention of a "tight leash". Such a thought is as despicable as it is ridiculous. And it only ties back in to the supposed irony he has been accused of living in. ]
You would think the dire situation we are in would hold higher precedence than mere rumor and the spitting of poison.
[ He raises a brow at that clear mention she made of being fondled. ]
You saw that? I couldn't have possibly turned around any faster and I still could not find the culprit. Perhaps I am not maintaining a threatening enough posture. Surely, you must show me how to be more intimidating.
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Well, remember that we're present and our enemies are not. If we could convince Corypheus to come here himself, he'd probably have just as much of a headache with the amount of rumors and hearsay they'd inquire about. It's really not a wonder why he's determined to destroy the world.
[ That last bit, of course, is dripping in sarcasm. She gives Cullen a brief sideways glance. ]
And if you think people wouldn't use the moment to ask him to confirm or deny their little fabricated tales, you would be very wrong.
[ For all that everyone seems to be afraid of Neria being a demon, a corpse, or worse, no one has actively tried to avoid her. She doubts a walking, talking Darkspawn would be treated as anything but a novelty once the terror had worn off. She shakes her head, putting both hands out to lean on the railing for a moment. ]
Truthfully? I think they believe I'm more intimidating than I am. But if I want to impress, I just remind myself this: anything a person can do pales in comparison to facing down an Archdemon in a city on fire.
[ Her smile is just this side of self-deprecating. ]
After that, it's not so frightening to look down at leaders and world-shakers.
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If only it were that easy. I'd almost prefer Corypheus make his presence here so we can get it over with, rather than deal with all of this ridiculous game nonsense and blatant narcissism.
But the rational part of me pleads I be careful what I wish for.
[ His nose wrinkles at the mention of being more intimidating. Neria is hardly the sort, but she's apparently done better among the guests than he has. ]
At this point, I would be better off adorning deeper scars across my face. I just hope this night plays out quicker. The air here is thick and I don't quite enjoy being so possibly close to a potential assassin without knowing.
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[ Too bad that's a fantasy that will never come to light. Neria turns and leans her hip against the railing, keeping an eye on the door for a few moments. Her gaze quickly flickers back to him as she shakes her head, and she reaches out to touch his arm for a moment. ]
Your face is fine as it is. And you are allowed to tell them to bugger off, you know. Just...politely.
[ Realizing that perhaps touching him is showing too much, she releases him, allowing the gesture to look more friendly than anything else. ]
Do you have any suspicions of who it might be?
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[ But yes, it is a distant fantasy that will likely never happen, and Cullen moves on from the idea. His attention shifts back and forth from the door to Neria, keeping an eye out in case it is necessary. So far, nothing too exciting, and his attention is brought back to Neria when he feels her arm reach for him. It's more comforting than she might think, and Cullen manages a smile for her. ]
I am here to maintain appearances. If this is what I must endure for the sake of a victory, I'll do so. The last thing I want is to cause reason to feel insulted, and we both know how touchy some of these people are.
[ He clears his throat when she lets go, straightening his posture as he lowers his voice. ]
I can't be so sure. I have heard enough talks among the crowd, and Leliana's sources tell me of Briala having been a past lover of the Empress. There is enough motive after being made practically a prisoner to the court to at least arrange an assassination. But I've yet to hear much beyond that to support taking a side.
I can understand why the Duke sees it fit to take place on the throne. Military backing is important when running an empire, and it appears Celine is not as serious on the matter as he. She would be right to spend more time organizing protection rather than keeping appearances.
Why the Duke might be a suspect is still beyond me. It is yet to be shown, and we'll do right to await the Inquisitor's findings.
[ He looks back at her, his normally serious expression firmly in place. ]
And you? Have you heard anything useful?
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They are here to work. She remembers that, even if she'd rather see him continue to smile.
Neria hums thoughtfully, glancing over his shoulder to keep an eye on the rest of the room at his back as he speaks. When she replies, it is quiet, her tone low. ]
The Duke could equally be as desperate. I'll agree that it seems unlikely he would align himself with Corypheus; he seems the type to prefer something less subtle, something that would reclaim his honor as he ascends the throne. Aligning with a magister won't do that.
Briala... Calculated, possibly dangerous, but I don't think she would help Corypheus of her own accord. I don't believe she'd try to kill Celene, either. Not outright, not here. She has plenty of other opportunities, and to have the Empress killed at her own party will have her be martyred for it.
[ Neria pauses, thinking that over. ]
Or, perhaps that's all the more reason to do it tonight... Still, I don't think she's the type.
[ Briefly, her eyes follow a couple as they steal away into the trophy hallway and are, of course, berated by the older generals still conversing about their war days. She frowns. ]
...What if Celene is the one working with Corypheus to ensure her place on the throne? And tonight, he's sending someone to kill her so he can take it for himself?
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There... Is a chance at that, I am sure. We've both seen how likely corruption is, and I wouldn't be surprised to see if the Empress fell to similar temptations.
[ Cullen lowers his arms and shakes his head. ]
But I don't believe she would go such lengths. All things considered, Celene is a well put-together woman, far more concerned about peace to fall victim to chaos. Either way, Corypheus wouldn't need the threat of her as an inside agent as an excuse.
I hope Kaia is able to gather information fast. Time is of the essence, and the longer we are here, the greater risk we pose for ourselves.
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[ She bristles and nods, finally looking back at him. She has faith in the Inquisitor and her companions, and knows she will find something. They're running out of time...but for the moment, Celene appears safe. Surrounded by guards, by her cousin and Briala, Neria believes she is out of danger for the time being.
With a gesture, she steps away, nodding to the doors. ]
Come, we should return before too much time has passed. Leliana and Josephine are probably wondering where we've slipped off to.
[ And it isn't until she's close to the doors that she realizes how that must sound. She rolls her eyes and turns back to Cullen as she opens the door for him. ]
I mean-- You know what I mean. They're probably worried for...
[ It's then that she pauses, seeing something over his shoulder. All color seems to drain from her face. ]
Morrigan?
[ Even from a distance, she recognizes her...and recognizes Kaia herself descending the stairs with her, the both of them locked in a conversation. Neria takes Cullen's arm and pulls him with her through the doors so she can have a better look at the both of them speaking, her eyes wide. What is she doing here, and why is she speaking to the Inquisitor?
They can't linger. ]
...We must go back to our posts.
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Oh, come on, surely they don't think we're--
[ He stops, watching as the color leaves Neria's face and she grasps onto his arm and pulls. His gaze looks upon where hers is, seeing the Inquisitor and Morrigan in the distance. He knows... Of her at the very least, but why spark such a reaction from Neria? ]
I--
Of course, but... Is there a problem?
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She doesn't know what to say. How is she here? How did no one know that she was here?
For several moments, she is silent, simply looking back at Morrigan and Kaia. Then, she turns to him and shakes her head. ]
No. It's... I need to speak with Leliana...but that will have to wait. We should get back to our posts.
[ Surely Leliana must know. But if she did, why did no one tell her? ]
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Our posts can wait another moment.
Are you alright?
[ There's that serious gaze of his again, if not without a large touch of worry. ]
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Neria looks up at Cullen as he takes her arms, and she lifts a hand to touch his briefly, just for a moment. ]
I'm fine. I will be fine. I simply...
[ No, not here. Not where people can hear them. ]
I promise, we'll speak about this later. I promise. But I swear, I am fine. I was simply surprised to see her.
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WRONG JOURNAL, WOOPS
LMAO I WAS SO CONFUSED
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