[ Cullen hears the bottle open, followed by the sounds of wine pouring into glasses when his hand drops and he watches what Neria is doing. And so rather casual while she does it. He should be relieved, really, that she doesn't press the matter beyond what is absolutely necessary. And it brings him enough relief that he sighs and allows for them to partake. Might as well. ]
[ Even with the time that has passed, the weeks they have worked together so closely have at least given Neria enough knowledge of him, it seems. She doesn't press the matter, and it puts his mind at ease. ]
Believe me, they have been direct.
[ And that is all he will say on the matter. Cullen takes a glass and a seat, scooting the chair forward so the map is within reach. ]
We will want to start by establishing where to place our troops. There will be a need for discretion, where I am certain Leliana can guide a delicate hand to ensure they are not found until necessary.
I would suggest they hide out around here.
[ He reaches over, tapping at an area not too far from the palace, shrouded by forest. ]
It is far enough they will remain hidden, but close enough to hear or see a signal.
[ Cullen takes a sip of his wine, a rather large one even. It's been a long day. ]
I'd like one Warden posted for every two or three of your soldiers. If we need a quick and efficient strike team in the event of a larger problem, they can provide back up. Otherwise...we've seen what Corypheus can do. The fewer of my people involved, the less of an opening we give him.
[ Neria looks on at the map with a shrewd gaze, even as she grabs a few small pieces of food to munch on. The Winter Palace has a strong enough presence and fortifications to make any sort of rescue assault a nightmare if their enemy has already slipped inside the walls. While she doubts Corypheus himself will attend, whomever he has poised to strike must be more subtle. If they make a move, getting reinforcements in to stop them will take too long. ]
We're going to need some of Leliana's spies inside, and they should probably start moving in now as servants or servers, or whatever they need to be. If something happens to the Empress, it will take too long for our forces to respond.
[ She plucks her wine glass up and takes a long drink from it, seating herself comfortably in the opposite chair. ]
I have to wonder how Corypheus hopes to kill the Empress at such a large gathering. There can easily be holes in their security but... Whomever they have will have to have been working with Celene for some time in order to win the favor of coming to the ball.
[ Cullen laughs and shakes his head, just as he reaches for a piece of bread. He sets down his glass in order to free a hand towards the butter, where he applies a generous amount. ]
Knowing Leliana, she's already made proper arrangements. But I will make sure to ask her about it as soon as we've arrived home.
[ He takes a bite of his bread, mindful of finishing before he speaks again. ]
You pose a good point. With how susceptible the Wardens have been to the Calling, it would be wise to keep how many we use at minimum. My men will be sure to watch for any present dangers among those partnered with them.
[ And that's where he stops, keeping in mind the discussions of Corypheus present. But he looks to Neria, concerned. ]
You hear it as well, don't you? You're a valuable asset to the Inquisition, but I wouldn't want to place you in a compromising position either.
[ Neria actually laughs at that as well, giving him a sideways smile that is altogether sly. ]
Knowing Leliana, she's been sending people in since we received the notice and she's five steps ahead of us. The Inquisition can't march its soldiers into the Winter Palace but she can have eyes everywhere. Very Orlesian of her.
[ It's saddened her to see that Leliana does not smile so much, seems so much harder now over the years. She misses the way she used to laugh and poke fun at the others. Neria picks up one of the pieces, turning them over in her hands while she looks at the map before them. At length, she looks up, debating her answer. The desire to lie comes up again and she pushes it away, setting the piece down closer to the map's depiction of the Winter Palace itself. ]
I've been hearing it for months now, long before Adamant's fall. I had assumed then that it was my time. But when I began hearing word about the other Wardens, I had to be sure... It's just Corypheus, hoping to make us doubt and making us desperate.
[ She picks up her glass and finishes it, reaching for the bottle once more. ]
I need to be there. You need someone who is going to be able to know immediately if he's around. For all we know, he's planted others he's controlling inside. At the very least, I'll be able to sense his presence or the presence of any Warden who escaped Adamant that he may be controlling in some way.
[ Cullen does the same, reaching for the bottle to top off his glass. Really, it isn't appropriate for them to be drinking while they are both hard at work. But he has to give it to Kaia... This bottle is actually quite good. Perfect coupled with the bread, tart yet flavorful. And he isn't really much a drinker. ]
[ He could agree on the remark about Leliana, but his focus seemed locked on Neria while the subject is there. It's a concern that he shouldn't show, really. Regardless of whether or not Neria hears the Calling, she is necessary for every mission they share. And he wouldn't want to appear as if he doubts her, but it is the worry of a friend he has grown quite close to in the passing weeks. A combination of his regret and his relief to her tardy return might be to blame for that. Still, he is thankful of her honesty, despite the look of concern that colors him. ]
I suppose you're right.
You...
[ He looks away briefly, idly swirling his glass before setting it down. ]
I can trust you will tell me if things prove to be difficult for you, yes? We are partners in this, meaning that your pain is mine as well.
[ No, it really isn't his pain. That is what she wants to tell him. Whether this Calling is real or something fabricated by Corypheus, it is no less frightening to her in the worst way. Cullen doesn't need to concern himself, especially if it is all simply an illusion Corypheus has created...but she knows that telling him that or even insinuating it won't stop him from looking out for her.
We are partners in this. Why does that make her heart hurt? ]
I'm not going to be a liability to the Inquisition or to this mission. If I do, I'll remove myself.
[ That isn't what he's saying, of course, but she wants to assure him first and foremost as his working partner, as his comrade, before anything else. Neria reaches out and touches his arm gently. ]
It's easier when I have something to focus on. You've been a great help these past few weeks. Don't doubt that.
[ He's helped to bring her back from the jaded, angry shell she was only weeks prior. She has purpose now. She has a goal that is attainable for both her soul and her conscience. The rest will come as it will. ]
Has your Warden - Blackwall - ever told you about the Calling? What it is, what it's like?
[ Cullen is able to manage a smile at her touch, silent in a moment where he can respect that she will be honest if she ever has to distance herself. He had asked the same of Cassandra once, and even if she hadn't saw fit to remove him from his duties, he had trusted her judgment when he had quit lyrium. It isn't a discussion he's had at length with Neria, but that may likely change, judging where this conversation is going. ]
[ He acknowledges her touch, placing his hand over hers a brief moment. ]
You can tell me when things change. You have my support.
[ Reaching for his glass, he takes another long drink before setting it back down. ]
No... I'm afraid Blackwall and I don't talk much. Surely not enough for such intimate discussions such as ours.
[ Perhaps not in full detail, depending, but Cullen has earned her honesty and her trust tenfold. She wants him to understand her, to not feel as if she is some unknown he cannot touch when he reaches out to her. She is a person and all of what that entails.
He coaxes a smile and she manages a laugh. ]
Should I ask if you indulge all of your friends in intimate, close discussions at any time of day, including odd hours of the night? And should I feel jealous if you do?
[ Her laugh is contagious, certainly enough to diminish some of the worry that plagues him. Cullen didn't quite have this opportunity when she was his charge, and even if he isn't surprised to find such delight in her company, it's nice to know that his judge of character was correct. ]
As if I have the time for such pleasantries. I'm not one to pry in anyone's business, and when I am indulged, it is usually not of my own choice.
[ He shakes his head. ]
I will not take blame for the discussions that occur during late hours. Surely, it was not me who raised your hand to knock at my door. I'm quite positive you and I are the only ones who go without sleep.
Ah, then I have a special spot in your favor, don't I? I'll be certain to take advantage of it in the future. Next time, perhaps I'll bring you something that will help you sleep and then you can at least say that I gave something back.
[ She gives him a wink and a smile as she rises from her seat to cross to the door. Neria closes it gently, less because of the conversation they're having now and...more because of what she wants to tell him. For all that the Wardens have become outcasts, dishonored by their own deeds, she respects some of their secrets--
Especially when such secrets could cause more harm than good, should they be known.
Returning to her seat, she's still smiling, though she carries back into the thread of discussion they had before as seamlessly as she can. ]
The Calling is how a Warden knows their time is up. What we carry within us, the reason why we can sense Darkspawn and fight like we do-- There are consequences. A shorter lifespan, terrible nightmares, a ghoulish appetite. The propensity to kill monsters again and again, unending. It isn't a glorious life.
[ Nothing is in Thedas, she's learned, but it's high time that someone knows the truth...if only so someone will know long after she is gone from this life. ]
The Calling-- It's hard to describe. You hear voices, you stop being able to sleep. You hear the call of the Archdemon, the Old Gods, and you feel compelled to answer it. We hear it during a Blight: a voice at the edges of your hearing, whispering, beckoning you. It is...like a song you cannot ignore, no matter how horrific it is to answer.
[ Cullen's brow raises, and so does a touch of red to his cheeks and above his nose. That wink may as well be an arrow to his chest, and Cullen clears his throat when he feels the impact of it. ]
You, ah--
[ You do, he wants to say. But there is a distraction in her standing up to close the door. Cullen knows what that means, as far as where their conversation had left off. He finds comfort in that distraction, because his nerves may have threatened to turn ablaze if not for it. ]
[ He is certainly aware of what the Wardens are obligated to accomplish in their lives. To fight, to prevent a Blight from taking their lands as it had so many years ago. It is not unlike what a Templar is employed for, though their cause is not really planted with such a bold expiration date. One could argue that Wardens have it far worse, and Cullen would be inclined to agree. ]
Maker...
[ It doesn't sound like a cheerful existence. Cullen certainly feels gratitude should be given to those who serve the cause, who fight so valiantly. Even if the Grey Wardens have lost their way, he couldn't find himself to further chastise them for having been misled. It is much like the Chantry, and Cullen frowns when he hears of what the Calling truly feels like. ]
That... While I cannot measure the gravity of your suffering, I understand it.
[ This certainly spikes his concern again, and it shows. Cullen has long since lost shame in reaching for Neria's hand, as it has become a gesture they often provide to one another. It is an affection only the two of them share, though the definitions of it have never truly been discussed, and Cullen wouldn't force that they do. Not now, and certainly not when they are at war. ]
Much of the same occurs to one addicted to lyrium who has ceased their dosage. Nightmares, voices, hallucinations that have the potential to taint one's mind for good.
[ Knowing the similarities makes him sick. To know that Neria could be going through it at any moment, even now... Cullen's hand tightens around hers. ]
[ She always finds comfort in the way he takes her hand. There is something incredibly tender about the gesture, genuine and caring, and she selfishly soaks it up when she has the chance. Cullen is able to calm a storm in her heart with a single touch, if only for a moment, because he proves time and again that she is not alone.
Her thumb brushes over his knuckles and she squeezes his hand in gratitude, meeting his gaze from across the small space between them. ]
I'm sorry for that. For the Chantry, for the things you've been through. I've seen what lyrium can do to Templars, even long before the Red Templars began storming the countryside. It's...a painful and cruel leash they've given you in the name of righteousness.
[ She can't forgive it. So much of what the Chantry says is a lie. Alistair didn't need lyrium to produce his abilities, and he did not suffer for it. What Cullen has gone through and will continue to go through will be terrible. It will ravage his body and leave him with nothing before it is through. ]
The Calling is not something we speak of until after the Joining. There are too many secrets among the Wardens and I intend to fix that. When we hear the Calling, we are encouraged to storm the Deep Roads and kill as many Darkspawn as possible before succumbing. Our sacrifice is made worthwhile, as it always has been.
[ Her gaze hardens briefly. ]
Not unlike what is expected of Templars. I'm certain you understand; the Chantry necessitates full sacrifice from its warriors, as the Wardens do.
[ Neria looks him over for a moment, silent as she does so. ]
...I haven't seen you take lyrium since I've been here.
[ She had noticed very shortly after her arrival that he never took breaks for it, never asked for any. She had wondered but now that he speaks about a decrease in dosage... Her concern is obvious, muddled with fear. ]
[ Nothing she explains is unfamiliar, certainly something he has experienced himself since leaving The Order. While there aren't voices telling him to fight until the death among the Deep Roads, there are voices that chastise him for breaking his vows. Reminders of the torture he had been subjected to years ago, threats, guilt... What Neria is experiencing is almost a mirror's image to what he has already gone through, and it is there that he finds a common ground with Neria he might never find with anyone else. She is truly a valuable companion, and he is happy to have her by his side. ]
Know that I and the Inquisition appreciate and value your sacrifice. Wardens are valuable, just as the entirety of our troops are. I know that you will do right by them, and they are fortunate to have you as their leader.
[ But the subject takes a turn to him, surely a change in direction that he would rather avoid. Cullen hates talking about himself, about his mistakes that have led him to his final decision. Neria and him have been practically attached by the hip since her joining the Inquisition, and the question would have certainly come up eventually. He owes Neria honesty, just as much as she has given him. ]
[ She looks concerned, scared, and Cullen squeezes her hand in reassurance, while the other holds up in protest. ]
I'm fine.
[ He wants to make that very clear, even if there may be a bit of a lie in there. While the symptoms haven't piqued quite yet, they are there. Before, he could get away with a few hours of sleep, but that becomes more a challenge as each night passes. ]
[ He lowers his hand, letting it join the other where he holds Neria's in both of them. ]
We are in this together, but I was waiting for a more appropriate time to tell you.
Yes, I stopped taking lyrium. Before you arrived, actually. After what I had witnessed in my service as a Templar, I decided to distance myself from that life. My vows have been broken, and I will accept whatever consequences follow.
[ And he smiles, forced as it may be. ]
I have support. I have asked Cassandra to keep an eye on me, to determine whether or not I am to leave my post. But I've doubts it will come to that, I won't let my decision interfere with the task at hand.
[ He hasn't been taking lyrium for some time, then. Since Kirkwall? She doesn't know, but her eyes are wide as she sits with him. She's never known a Templar simply to stop taking lyrium, not even when she has met Templar recruits turned Wardens. It is a lifelong addiction with disastrous consequences, and to look on him, she would not even begin to suspect--
But she had wondered. He has looked healthier, seems to be doing better in some respects than other Templars she has met. It doesn't mean he is well by any means, nor that he is free of pain, but it means the chain is broken.
She takes his other hand in hers and holds it tightly. ]
No one from the Chantry or the Templars should criticize the decision you have made. The Order is a mess and you said it yourself, you couldn't follow what they were asking you to do. But you could be in far more danger without it if--
[ No. He's handled himself so far, hasn't he? She has to trust him. Her exhaled sigh is tight, controlled, and she squeezes his hands again. ]
You are very, very brave to have done this. If there's anything I can do, please tell me. I can brew you up some potions or... I've been a healer for ten years now. Whatever I can, I want to do for you.
[ He has given her so much and the sudden thought that she could lose him to madness, to hallucinations, or even to death suddenly wracks her core. She can't imagine what it would be like now for him to be gone. ]
I've heard... Remarks. That I have abandoned The Order, as if I should be ashamed of myself for doing so. And perhaps I might be, even just a little.
[ The smile turns into a frown, where his gaze looks down to their hands. He quite likes the sight of them, and has always found comfort in it each time they've been like this. To physically be reminded that Neria is alive and well helps keep him on the right side of reality. Maker knows he has doubted even his own existence during the worst of his withdrawal episodes. Perhaps that is why he's been more physical with her than he ever thought he might be. But Neria seems to find just as much comfort in it, and for that he is grateful. ]
When I was a boy, all I wanted was to help people. To become a Templar and bring pride to my family's name. It was so different back then...
My heart still breaks to know that The Order in which I found so much pride in has been tainted with corruption. Were I able to change things, I would do everything in my power. But such things are not possible, not now.
[ Cullen's gaze meets with her's once more, locked and bearing as much of a calm demeanor as he can. He is touched by her offer, but he isn't certain he is quite prepared to accept the use of magic to ease his pain. There is immediate guilt in such a thought-- Surely, he trusts her. But what if... ]
Your presence by my side is more than enough, my lady. While I found pride in maintaining the troops on my own, I am glad we've accepted your help. And I am proud to work beside you, as equals.
I promise, you need not worry about me. I'm not going anywhere.
You didn't abandon the Order. The Order abandoned its people when it ceased caring about its charges and its soldiers. You have done nothing reprehensible.
[ If he had stayed, he could have been like them, like the other soldiers turned into monstrous creatures. That thought alone leaves her cold and she twines their fingers together even as she shakes her head. She can't imagine it. She can't. It's despicable enough that they have to fight some of his former comrades, even if he never met them personally. She can't allow herself to imagine what it might have been like in another time, another world, if he hadn't left. ]
Perhaps, when this is over...
[ But when the war is over, she will leave. That is to be expected. She pushes that aside. ]
I'm glad you're here with us. With me. I wouldn't have been able to do any of this without you.
[ Not without his comfort or his strength. He has had faith in her when she had none of it for herself. ]
The offer is open, if you ever need anything. As I said, I know a few potions and tonics that can help with the symptoms, if nothing else.
[ Maker knows she's needed to use them for her own troubled sleeping and difficult days. She sighs, looking briefly down at their hands to assure herself that what he says is true. He isn't going anywhere. He will be fine. ]
[ Perhaps when this is over... Cullen hangs on to the end of that sentence, but it never comes. It is true that how things might end after all of this have plagued his mind, especially since her arrival. Ten years believing that she had been dead, only for her to turn up seemingly out of nowhere. ]
[ She doesn't finish the sentence, and he knows what that means. Cullen's smile fades, eyes colored with what can only be assumed as hurt or concern. ]
When this is over...
Where will you go?
[ Because he selfishly hopes that she plans to stay, even if he is certain that is not her plan. He knows her well enough, knows her guilt will take her elsewhere. Such a thought breaks his heart, and he can't help but wish to convince her otherwise. ]
[ When this is over... In truth, Neria does not know what she will do. She knows what is expected of her and what she would like to do, entire opposites of one another. Her gaze remains on their hands for some time as she sits in silence, the length of which is entirely damning. It should be obvious what she had at least initially intended to do.
At last, she sighs. ]
Go to Denerim, first. I have been...trading correspondence with Alistair and I imagine it's time we both sit down and have a long talk about what's happened.
[ She's avoiding what Cullen is really asking, which is Will you leave? Slowly, she lifts her gaze to meet his. ]
I haven't decided what I'll do or where I'll go. I could go back, continue what I was working on, but...
[ But... ]
I should continue to look after the Wardens here, what's left of them. They will need a home and someone to guide them. Weisshaupt has, effectively, abandoned them to their fates. It would be wrong of me to do the same.
Beyond that-- I don't know.
[ Would it be wrong of her to stay? Is it selfish to hope the Inquisition will allow her to do that, even with what she's done? In her mind, yes, it would be. She can't continue to take advantage of their kindness. ]
[ He can't help the way he looks when he gets such an answer. It bears uncertainty, an attempt to avoid anything but outright saying whether or not she will stay. It begs the question of whether or not she will, and Cullen's hands tighten around hers, and he pulls them into his lap. ]
Oh, I... Suppose that makes sense.
[ Cullen looks down, disappointed. ]
You... Do know that you have a place in Skyhold. While I am not sure as to where I will particularly end up, I am content on taking it a day at a time. Having a normal life outside of the Chantry.
[ It's said gently, and she dips her head to try to catch his gaze. ]
I'm here until the Wardens are released from their service. The Inquisition has no obligation to keep me, no matter how considerate the Inquisitor has been. I understand that. It's all right.
[ She isn't disappointed. What she's been offered has been more than kind. She has a chance to bring the Wardens back onto a path of redemption while also fixing her own mistakes. She is letting the world know she is still alive and still trying to make amends. But she isn't really a part of the Inquisition like he is.
[ That stings, more than it likely should. And Cullen can't help the frown he bears for it, even when their gazes meet. He certainly could argue that Neria certainly does have a place, that she is valued and he's certain everyone else feels the same. But would that be purely out of selfishness and bias? Cullen knows her better than those around them, even with their short time together those ten years ago. It is in a remaining infatuation he has tried to avoid even now, especially now when he had tried so hard to push those feelings down. ]
I can't force you to feel otherwise... That much I know.
[ Cullen's smile is forced, fragile. And it dies when he's asked about what plans he has. ]
I have none, I'm afraid.
I left The Order. I am an Ex-Templar with duties for a temporary situation until the chaos plaguing Thedas comes to an end. I will be relieved as the Commander to the Inquisition, though they may someday call upon me again, should war break out.
[ Such a fate saddens him. While he disagrees with The Order, what other purpose does he have after all of this? Will he merely train recruits in expectation for another war that may never happen? If they truly achieve peace? Cullen's grip on her hands loosen, though they don't outright let go. ]
[ He weakly laughs and shakes his head. ]
For fourteen years, I merely followed orders and went wherever I'd been sent. Being my own person sounds daunting as it is preposterous.
So I... Suppose I will take it a day at a time. Doing what? I couldn't be sure.
[ Of course, he wants a family. To settle down, but that seems as unlikely as his future purpose seems. ]
[ No, he can't. And in truth, this is one path she has to travel on her own. She does not want someone else trying to make amends for her or asking for leniency. If the Inquisition requests that she stay, then she will give it thought, but until such a future is set in stone, she can't make such assumptions. And how she feels about herself is something only she can resolve, no matter the confidence Cullen gives her.
She purses her lip in thought, watching him closely. ]
Then you have the freedom to make your own future, one way or another. You're already leading by example, showing people that there is a better way for a Templar - or ex-Templar - to serve the people without being restricted by vows. I think that is a wonderful place to start.
[ But that sort of freedom also comes with time to reflect and time to be critical of oneself. Neria knows from experience how quickly her life fell apart when every purpose she had - as a Circle mage, as a Warden, as Warden-Commander - slipped through her fingers. Some of it, of course, was simply fate. Some of it was self-inflicted. She doesn't want that sort of future for him.
Gently, she turns one of his hands over so she cover it with her own. ]
You sound as uncertain and as lost as I do.
[ She makes a feeble attempt at a smile which dissolves into another frown, and she looks down at their hands again. What if the Wardens don't need her? What if she finds she can move on, too, and do something with her life beyond chasing redemption? She still wants to find a cure for the Calling...but that does not require her to exile herself in the wastes. ]
...I would stay with you, Cullen. Whatever it is you want to become, I would like to support that.
[ Neria looks up at him. ]
I won't disappear this time. I don't...think I can, after coming back to-- To this.
[ There is a point in the conversation where he believes that hanging on every word would prove to be fruitless. He forces himself to settle on the fact that Neria will disappear again, that he will be left to wonder what might have been. The future isn't promised to any of them, and just as much had been proven the first time she had been presumed as dead. There is some solace in knowing that her disappearance would be of choice, of moving on rather than going in exile and making everyone think she has passed. But it still leaves so much unanswered, so many questions and just a visual of their fingers tangled and their palms pressed together. ]
[ He manages a weak, crooked smile at the mention of what seemingly positive future he has. But it's hard to believe, especially when such a future just seems so lonely. Without orders and a battle to fight, what else does he have? Of course, he could go back to his siblings... But Maker, would they even want to? After how horribly wrong he has been in keeping the lines of communication open? ]
[ I would stay with you... Those words hit him like a ton of bricks, certainly words he hadn't expected her to say when she had just made it seem apparent she would leave. The promise of her not disappearing seals it, and Cullen meets Neria's gaze with a look of shock and disbelief. There is hope in that gaze, a hope that makes his eyes briefly gloss over with wetness and threaten to overflow. He'd let himself grow so attached, so hopeful of... Something that he isn't quite certain of between them. But it was something, and that was enough. It was better than going the rest of his life wondering what else could have been said. ]
Neria, I--
[ He clears his throat, forcing the emotion that threatens to undo him back down. It requires that he look away again, where they look back at their hands as they tighten around hers. They shake a touch, and he scoots his chair forward enough that their knees touch. In a moment of weakness and doubt of their existence yet again, he moves his hands to feel her pulse weakly through her gloves again. ]
I would hate for you to become complacent for my sake. Don't let my ill-advised attachment hold you down. I am not...
[ The year she had spent with her companions when she first became a Warden was the happiest time of her life. It's an odd thing to think about, that their every day forays with death and danger would be happy for her...but Neria had no family, no future, and in traveling with people she could trust and rely on, people she could love and care for, she found peace and solace. She found a home. And then, she had been complacent and overly hopeful, and the promise of a brighter tomorrow after the Blight seemed so far away. She never took the opportunity to tell them how she felt or how happy she had been, and in her desperation, she only ended up pushing them all away.
Not again. Never again, not with the people she has left, not with Leliana or Alistair or Cullen. She can't.
But that only scratches the surface. She has grown comfortable with Cullen, in their secrets and shared misery, in the care they have given one another. He has offered her hope when she had none, faith when she had lost it all. Can she do nothing less than offer the same? And her feelings, how she's grown attached-- She can't deny those, either, even if it is difficult to put them to words or know the extent of them at this juncture. They are grown; he is not her guardian and she is not his charge. The boundaries they had no longer apply. He is her friend, her ally, her comrade, and her partner. That has been enough.
Does she want more? She has to search herself, but the answer is yes. Is she ready for it? That...she does not know. But she knows she wants to support him, to walk beside him and be with him, and that can be suitable enough for her to make the offer she has. ]
I don't know how I would be complacent in doing this, and I certainly wouldn't be weighing myself down. Cullen, you're my friend, you are--
[ The words stick. She doesn't want him to think he is only a friend, that this will spin nowhere, and that she is putting a wall between them. She just doesn't know how to express how she feels when she hasn't done it before with anyone else like this. ]
You are important to me. Like it or not, I care about you. And I want to be here with you. This... All of this wouldn't be the same without you here. Why would I feel like you - you, of all people - are holding me down?
[ Just as she always has managed, the hurt that began burning within him is smoothed over by the genuine touch only Neria has. He's not used to this... To having feel so much for one person, and to know that it is nearly the same for the other. There is no doubt that his fellow advisors care for him, that Cassandra cares. Cullen has had the privilege of fighting beside so many incredible people, who trust him and support his decisions. But none have given as much as Neria has, both in what little had happened between them those ten years ago, and what she has given him in the weeks that followed her joining the cause. In their partnership, they have a trust and bond that no one else can touch. ]
[ To know that she cares for him as much as he cares for her? It is quite possibly the best gift he has ever been given. Neria reassures him, tells him that this is not out of pity or obligation, but out of a strong attachment they share. His heart swells, his cheeks warm and the smile he gives is finally genuine when he looks her in the eye. ]
I suppose it would be cruel to argue any further.
[ He laughs. ]
Forgive me. My intention was not to accuse you of offering out of obligation or pity. I'm sure that is how it came across.
I just...
[ Cullen swallows thickly, his thumbs roll lazy circles along her knuckles, where letting go of her hands might mean the end of him at this point. Even with how he nervously seems to tremble. He isn't good at these kinds of talks, of finding himself this close to someone. ]
I care for you just as much. I berate myself for having allowed myself to become so attached to you, but I saw the futility in avoiding such a thing as soon as you entered Skyhold. What I felt ten years ago never left me, no matter how much I protested.
The idea of you leaving? After all this and all we've been through? Reconciled?
I shiver at the thought. It pains me to think of a life without you. If you are to stay without regret, and not out of obligation?
I swear on my life that I will make it worth your while.
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[ Even with the time that has passed, the weeks they have worked together so closely have at least given Neria enough knowledge of him, it seems. She doesn't press the matter, and it puts his mind at ease. ]
Believe me, they have been direct.
[ And that is all he will say on the matter. Cullen takes a glass and a seat, scooting the chair forward so the map is within reach. ]
We will want to start by establishing where to place our troops. There will be a need for discretion, where I am certain Leliana can guide a delicate hand to ensure they are not found until necessary.
I would suggest they hide out around here.
[ He reaches over, tapping at an area not too far from the palace, shrouded by forest. ]
It is far enough they will remain hidden, but close enough to hear or see a signal.
[ Cullen takes a sip of his wine, a rather large one even. It's been a long day. ]
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[ Neria looks on at the map with a shrewd gaze, even as she grabs a few small pieces of food to munch on. The Winter Palace has a strong enough presence and fortifications to make any sort of rescue assault a nightmare if their enemy has already slipped inside the walls. While she doubts Corypheus himself will attend, whomever he has poised to strike must be more subtle. If they make a move, getting reinforcements in to stop them will take too long. ]
We're going to need some of Leliana's spies inside, and they should probably start moving in now as servants or servers, or whatever they need to be. If something happens to the Empress, it will take too long for our forces to respond.
[ She plucks her wine glass up and takes a long drink from it, seating herself comfortably in the opposite chair. ]
I have to wonder how Corypheus hopes to kill the Empress at such a large gathering. There can easily be holes in their security but... Whomever they have will have to have been working with Celene for some time in order to win the favor of coming to the ball.
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Knowing Leliana, she's already made proper arrangements. But I will make sure to ask her about it as soon as we've arrived home.
[ He takes a bite of his bread, mindful of finishing before he speaks again. ]
You pose a good point. With how susceptible the Wardens have been to the Calling, it would be wise to keep how many we use at minimum. My men will be sure to watch for any present dangers among those partnered with them.
[ And that's where he stops, keeping in mind the discussions of Corypheus present. But he looks to Neria, concerned. ]
You hear it as well, don't you? You're a valuable asset to the Inquisition, but I wouldn't want to place you in a compromising position either.
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Knowing Leliana, she's been sending people in since we received the notice and she's five steps ahead of us. The Inquisition can't march its soldiers into the Winter Palace but she can have eyes everywhere. Very Orlesian of her.
[ It's saddened her to see that Leliana does not smile so much, seems so much harder now over the years. She misses the way she used to laugh and poke fun at the others. Neria picks up one of the pieces, turning them over in her hands while she looks at the map before them. At length, she looks up, debating her answer. The desire to lie comes up again and she pushes it away, setting the piece down closer to the map's depiction of the Winter Palace itself. ]
I've been hearing it for months now, long before Adamant's fall. I had assumed then that it was my time. But when I began hearing word about the other Wardens, I had to be sure... It's just Corypheus, hoping to make us doubt and making us desperate.
[ She picks up her glass and finishes it, reaching for the bottle once more. ]
I need to be there. You need someone who is going to be able to know immediately if he's around. For all we know, he's planted others he's controlling inside. At the very least, I'll be able to sense his presence or the presence of any Warden who escaped Adamant that he may be controlling in some way.
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[ He could agree on the remark about Leliana, but his focus seemed locked on Neria while the subject is there. It's a concern that he shouldn't show, really. Regardless of whether or not Neria hears the Calling, she is necessary for every mission they share. And he wouldn't want to appear as if he doubts her, but it is the worry of a friend he has grown quite close to in the passing weeks. A combination of his regret and his relief to her tardy return might be to blame for that. Still, he is thankful of her honesty, despite the look of concern that colors him. ]
I suppose you're right.
You...
[ He looks away briefly, idly swirling his glass before setting it down. ]
I can trust you will tell me if things prove to be difficult for you, yes? We are partners in this, meaning that your pain is mine as well.
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We are partners in this. Why does that make her heart hurt? ]
I'm not going to be a liability to the Inquisition or to this mission. If I do, I'll remove myself.
[ That isn't what he's saying, of course, but she wants to assure him first and foremost as his working partner, as his comrade, before anything else. Neria reaches out and touches his arm gently. ]
It's easier when I have something to focus on. You've been a great help these past few weeks. Don't doubt that.
[ He's helped to bring her back from the jaded, angry shell she was only weeks prior. She has purpose now. She has a goal that is attainable for both her soul and her conscience. The rest will come as it will. ]
Has your Warden - Blackwall - ever told you about the Calling? What it is, what it's like?
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[ He acknowledges her touch, placing his hand over hers a brief moment. ]
You can tell me when things change. You have my support.
[ Reaching for his glass, he takes another long drink before setting it back down. ]
No... I'm afraid Blackwall and I don't talk much. Surely not enough for such intimate discussions such as ours.
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[ Perhaps not in full detail, depending, but Cullen has earned her honesty and her trust tenfold. She wants him to understand her, to not feel as if she is some unknown he cannot touch when he reaches out to her. She is a person and all of what that entails.
He coaxes a smile and she manages a laugh. ]
Should I ask if you indulge all of your friends in intimate, close discussions at any time of day, including odd hours of the night? And should I feel jealous if you do?
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As if I have the time for such pleasantries. I'm not one to pry in anyone's business, and when I am indulged, it is usually not of my own choice.
[ He shakes his head. ]
I will not take blame for the discussions that occur during late hours. Surely, it was not me who raised your hand to knock at my door. I'm quite positive you and I are the only ones who go without sleep.
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[ She gives him a wink and a smile as she rises from her seat to cross to the door. Neria closes it gently, less because of the conversation they're having now and...more because of what she wants to tell him. For all that the Wardens have become outcasts, dishonored by their own deeds, she respects some of their secrets--
Especially when such secrets could cause more harm than good, should they be known.
Returning to her seat, she's still smiling, though she carries back into the thread of discussion they had before as seamlessly as she can. ]
The Calling is how a Warden knows their time is up. What we carry within us, the reason why we can sense Darkspawn and fight like we do-- There are consequences. A shorter lifespan, terrible nightmares, a ghoulish appetite. The propensity to kill monsters again and again, unending. It isn't a glorious life.
[ Nothing is in Thedas, she's learned, but it's high time that someone knows the truth...if only so someone will know long after she is gone from this life. ]
The Calling-- It's hard to describe. You hear voices, you stop being able to sleep. You hear the call of the Archdemon, the Old Gods, and you feel compelled to answer it. We hear it during a Blight: a voice at the edges of your hearing, whispering, beckoning you. It is...like a song you cannot ignore, no matter how horrific it is to answer.
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You, ah--
[ You do, he wants to say. But there is a distraction in her standing up to close the door. Cullen knows what that means, as far as where their conversation had left off. He finds comfort in that distraction, because his nerves may have threatened to turn ablaze if not for it. ]
[ He is certainly aware of what the Wardens are obligated to accomplish in their lives. To fight, to prevent a Blight from taking their lands as it had so many years ago. It is not unlike what a Templar is employed for, though their cause is not really planted with such a bold expiration date. One could argue that Wardens have it far worse, and Cullen would be inclined to agree. ]
Maker...
[ It doesn't sound like a cheerful existence. Cullen certainly feels gratitude should be given to those who serve the cause, who fight so valiantly. Even if the Grey Wardens have lost their way, he couldn't find himself to further chastise them for having been misled. It is much like the Chantry, and Cullen frowns when he hears of what the Calling truly feels like. ]
That... While I cannot measure the gravity of your suffering, I understand it.
[ This certainly spikes his concern again, and it shows. Cullen has long since lost shame in reaching for Neria's hand, as it has become a gesture they often provide to one another. It is an affection only the two of them share, though the definitions of it have never truly been discussed, and Cullen wouldn't force that they do. Not now, and certainly not when they are at war. ]
Much of the same occurs to one addicted to lyrium who has ceased their dosage. Nightmares, voices, hallucinations that have the potential to taint one's mind for good.
[ Knowing the similarities makes him sick. To know that Neria could be going through it at any moment, even now... Cullen's hand tightens around hers. ]
I'm sorry. For you and for your men.
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Her thumb brushes over his knuckles and she squeezes his hand in gratitude, meeting his gaze from across the small space between them. ]
I'm sorry for that. For the Chantry, for the things you've been through. I've seen what lyrium can do to Templars, even long before the Red Templars began storming the countryside. It's...a painful and cruel leash they've given you in the name of righteousness.
[ She can't forgive it. So much of what the Chantry says is a lie. Alistair didn't need lyrium to produce his abilities, and he did not suffer for it. What Cullen has gone through and will continue to go through will be terrible. It will ravage his body and leave him with nothing before it is through. ]
The Calling is not something we speak of until after the Joining. There are too many secrets among the Wardens and I intend to fix that. When we hear the Calling, we are encouraged to storm the Deep Roads and kill as many Darkspawn as possible before succumbing. Our sacrifice is made worthwhile, as it always has been.
[ Her gaze hardens briefly. ]
Not unlike what is expected of Templars. I'm certain you understand; the Chantry necessitates full sacrifice from its warriors, as the Wardens do.
[ Neria looks him over for a moment, silent as she does so. ]
...I haven't seen you take lyrium since I've been here.
[ She had noticed very shortly after her arrival that he never took breaks for it, never asked for any. She had wondered but now that he speaks about a decrease in dosage... Her concern is obvious, muddled with fear. ]
Cullen --
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Know that I and the Inquisition appreciate and value your sacrifice. Wardens are valuable, just as the entirety of our troops are. I know that you will do right by them, and they are fortunate to have you as their leader.
[ But the subject takes a turn to him, surely a change in direction that he would rather avoid. Cullen hates talking about himself, about his mistakes that have led him to his final decision. Neria and him have been practically attached by the hip since her joining the Inquisition, and the question would have certainly come up eventually. He owes Neria honesty, just as much as she has given him. ]
[ She looks concerned, scared, and Cullen squeezes her hand in reassurance, while the other holds up in protest. ]
I'm fine.
[ He wants to make that very clear, even if there may be a bit of a lie in there. While the symptoms haven't piqued quite yet, they are there. Before, he could get away with a few hours of sleep, but that becomes more a challenge as each night passes. ]
[ He lowers his hand, letting it join the other where he holds Neria's in both of them. ]
We are in this together, but I was waiting for a more appropriate time to tell you.
Yes, I stopped taking lyrium. Before you arrived, actually. After what I had witnessed in my service as a Templar, I decided to distance myself from that life. My vows have been broken, and I will accept whatever consequences follow.
[ And he smiles, forced as it may be. ]
I have support. I have asked Cassandra to keep an eye on me, to determine whether or not I am to leave my post. But I've doubts it will come to that, I won't let my decision interfere with the task at hand.
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But she had wondered. He has looked healthier, seems to be doing better in some respects than other Templars she has met. It doesn't mean he is well by any means, nor that he is free of pain, but it means the chain is broken.
She takes his other hand in hers and holds it tightly. ]
No one from the Chantry or the Templars should criticize the decision you have made. The Order is a mess and you said it yourself, you couldn't follow what they were asking you to do. But you could be in far more danger without it if--
[ No. He's handled himself so far, hasn't he? She has to trust him. Her exhaled sigh is tight, controlled, and she squeezes his hands again. ]
You are very, very brave to have done this. If there's anything I can do, please tell me. I can brew you up some potions or... I've been a healer for ten years now. Whatever I can, I want to do for you.
[ He has given her so much and the sudden thought that she could lose him to madness, to hallucinations, or even to death suddenly wracks her core. She can't imagine what it would be like now for him to be gone. ]
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I've heard... Remarks. That I have abandoned The Order, as if I should be ashamed of myself for doing so. And perhaps I might be, even just a little.
[ The smile turns into a frown, where his gaze looks down to their hands. He quite likes the sight of them, and has always found comfort in it each time they've been like this. To physically be reminded that Neria is alive and well helps keep him on the right side of reality. Maker knows he has doubted even his own existence during the worst of his withdrawal episodes. Perhaps that is why he's been more physical with her than he ever thought he might be. But Neria seems to find just as much comfort in it, and for that he is grateful. ]
When I was a boy, all I wanted was to help people. To become a Templar and bring pride to my family's name. It was so different back then...
My heart still breaks to know that The Order in which I found so much pride in has been tainted with corruption. Were I able to change things, I would do everything in my power. But such things are not possible, not now.
[ Cullen's gaze meets with her's once more, locked and bearing as much of a calm demeanor as he can. He is touched by her offer, but he isn't certain he is quite prepared to accept the use of magic to ease his pain. There is immediate guilt in such a thought-- Surely, he trusts her. But what if... ]
Your presence by my side is more than enough, my lady. While I found pride in maintaining the troops on my own, I am glad we've accepted your help. And I am proud to work beside you, as equals.
I promise, you need not worry about me. I'm not going anywhere.
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[ If he had stayed, he could have been like them, like the other soldiers turned into monstrous creatures. That thought alone leaves her cold and she twines their fingers together even as she shakes her head. She can't imagine it. She can't. It's despicable enough that they have to fight some of his former comrades, even if he never met them personally. She can't allow herself to imagine what it might have been like in another time, another world, if he hadn't left. ]
Perhaps, when this is over...
[ But when the war is over, she will leave. That is to be expected. She pushes that aside. ]
I'm glad you're here with us. With me. I wouldn't have been able to do any of this without you.
[ Not without his comfort or his strength. He has had faith in her when she had none of it for herself. ]
The offer is open, if you ever need anything. As I said, I know a few potions and tonics that can help with the symptoms, if nothing else.
[ Maker knows she's needed to use them for her own troubled sleeping and difficult days. She sighs, looking briefly down at their hands to assure herself that what he says is true. He isn't going anywhere. He will be fine. ]
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[ She doesn't finish the sentence, and he knows what that means. Cullen's smile fades, eyes colored with what can only be assumed as hurt or concern. ]
When this is over...
Where will you go?
[ Because he selfishly hopes that she plans to stay, even if he is certain that is not her plan. He knows her well enough, knows her guilt will take her elsewhere. Such a thought breaks his heart, and he can't help but wish to convince her otherwise. ]
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At last, she sighs. ]
Go to Denerim, first. I have been...trading correspondence with Alistair and I imagine it's time we both sit down and have a long talk about what's happened.
[ She's avoiding what Cullen is really asking, which is Will you leave? Slowly, she lifts her gaze to meet his. ]
I haven't decided what I'll do or where I'll go. I could go back, continue what I was working on, but...
[ But... ]
I should continue to look after the Wardens here, what's left of them. They will need a home and someone to guide them. Weisshaupt has, effectively, abandoned them to their fates. It would be wrong of me to do the same.
Beyond that-- I don't know.
[ Would it be wrong of her to stay? Is it selfish to hope the Inquisition will allow her to do that, even with what she's done? In her mind, yes, it would be. She can't continue to take advantage of their kindness. ]
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Oh, I... Suppose that makes sense.
[ Cullen looks down, disappointed. ]
You... Do know that you have a place in Skyhold. While I am not sure as to where I will particularly end up, I am content on taking it a day at a time. Having a normal life outside of the Chantry.
[ It's a better way of begging her to stay. ]
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[ It's said gently, and she dips her head to try to catch his gaze. ]
I'm here until the Wardens are released from their service. The Inquisition has no obligation to keep me, no matter how considerate the Inquisitor has been. I understand that. It's all right.
[ She isn't disappointed. What she's been offered has been more than kind. She has a chance to bring the Wardens back onto a path of redemption while also fixing her own mistakes. She is letting the world know she is still alive and still trying to make amends. But she isn't really a part of the Inquisition like he is.
Her hands squeeze his for a moment. ]
Do you have plans once all of this is over?
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I can't force you to feel otherwise... That much I know.
[ Cullen's smile is forced, fragile. And it dies when he's asked about what plans he has. ]
I have none, I'm afraid.
I left The Order. I am an Ex-Templar with duties for a temporary situation until the chaos plaguing Thedas comes to an end. I will be relieved as the Commander to the Inquisition, though they may someday call upon me again, should war break out.
[ Such a fate saddens him. While he disagrees with The Order, what other purpose does he have after all of this? Will he merely train recruits in expectation for another war that may never happen? If they truly achieve peace? Cullen's grip on her hands loosen, though they don't outright let go. ]
[ He weakly laughs and shakes his head. ]
For fourteen years, I merely followed orders and went wherever I'd been sent. Being my own person sounds daunting as it is preposterous.
So I... Suppose I will take it a day at a time. Doing what? I couldn't be sure.
[ Of course, he wants a family. To settle down, but that seems as unlikely as his future purpose seems. ]
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She purses her lip in thought, watching him closely. ]
Then you have the freedom to make your own future, one way or another. You're already leading by example, showing people that there is a better way for a Templar - or ex-Templar - to serve the people without being restricted by vows. I think that is a wonderful place to start.
[ But that sort of freedom also comes with time to reflect and time to be critical of oneself. Neria knows from experience how quickly her life fell apart when every purpose she had - as a Circle mage, as a Warden, as Warden-Commander - slipped through her fingers. Some of it, of course, was simply fate. Some of it was self-inflicted. She doesn't want that sort of future for him.
Gently, she turns one of his hands over so she cover it with her own. ]
You sound as uncertain and as lost as I do.
[ She makes a feeble attempt at a smile which dissolves into another frown, and she looks down at their hands again. What if the Wardens don't need her? What if she finds she can move on, too, and do something with her life beyond chasing redemption? She still wants to find a cure for the Calling...but that does not require her to exile herself in the wastes. ]
...I would stay with you, Cullen. Whatever it is you want to become, I would like to support that.
[ Neria looks up at him. ]
I won't disappear this time. I don't...think I can, after coming back to-- To this.
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[ He manages a weak, crooked smile at the mention of what seemingly positive future he has. But it's hard to believe, especially when such a future just seems so lonely. Without orders and a battle to fight, what else does he have? Of course, he could go back to his siblings... But Maker, would they even want to? After how horribly wrong he has been in keeping the lines of communication open? ]
[ I would stay with you... Those words hit him like a ton of bricks, certainly words he hadn't expected her to say when she had just made it seem apparent she would leave. The promise of her not disappearing seals it, and Cullen meets Neria's gaze with a look of shock and disbelief. There is hope in that gaze, a hope that makes his eyes briefly gloss over with wetness and threaten to overflow. He'd let himself grow so attached, so hopeful of... Something that he isn't quite certain of between them. But it was something, and that was enough. It was better than going the rest of his life wondering what else could have been said. ]
Neria, I--
[ He clears his throat, forcing the emotion that threatens to undo him back down. It requires that he look away again, where they look back at their hands as they tighten around hers. They shake a touch, and he scoots his chair forward enough that their knees touch. In a moment of weakness and doubt of their existence yet again, he moves his hands to feel her pulse weakly through her gloves again. ]
I would hate for you to become complacent for my sake. Don't let my ill-advised attachment hold you down. I am not...
Your life is not determined by my own.
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Not again. Never again, not with the people she has left, not with Leliana or Alistair or Cullen. She can't.
But that only scratches the surface. She has grown comfortable with Cullen, in their secrets and shared misery, in the care they have given one another. He has offered her hope when she had none, faith when she had lost it all. Can she do nothing less than offer the same? And her feelings, how she's grown attached-- She can't deny those, either, even if it is difficult to put them to words or know the extent of them at this juncture. They are grown; he is not her guardian and she is not his charge. The boundaries they had no longer apply. He is her friend, her ally, her comrade, and her partner. That has been enough.
Does she want more? She has to search herself, but the answer is yes. Is she ready for it? That...she does not know. But she knows she wants to support him, to walk beside him and be with him, and that can be suitable enough for her to make the offer she has. ]
I don't know how I would be complacent in doing this, and I certainly wouldn't be weighing myself down. Cullen, you're my friend, you are--
[ The words stick. She doesn't want him to think he is only a friend, that this will spin nowhere, and that she is putting a wall between them. She just doesn't know how to express how she feels when she hasn't done it before with anyone else like this. ]
You are important to me. Like it or not, I care about you. And I want to be here with you. This... All of this wouldn't be the same without you here. Why would I feel like you - you, of all people - are holding me down?
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[ To know that she cares for him as much as he cares for her? It is quite possibly the best gift he has ever been given. Neria reassures him, tells him that this is not out of pity or obligation, but out of a strong attachment they share. His heart swells, his cheeks warm and the smile he gives is finally genuine when he looks her in the eye. ]
I suppose it would be cruel to argue any further.
[ He laughs. ]
Forgive me. My intention was not to accuse you of offering out of obligation or pity. I'm sure that is how it came across.
I just...
[ Cullen swallows thickly, his thumbs roll lazy circles along her knuckles, where letting go of her hands might mean the end of him at this point. Even with how he nervously seems to tremble. He isn't good at these kinds of talks, of finding himself this close to someone. ]
I care for you just as much. I berate myself for having allowed myself to become so attached to you, but I saw the futility in avoiding such a thing as soon as you entered Skyhold. What I felt ten years ago never left me, no matter how much I protested.
The idea of you leaving? After all this and all we've been through? Reconciled?
I shiver at the thought. It pains me to think of a life without you. If you are to stay without regret, and not out of obligation?
I swear on my life that I will make it worth your while.
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WRONG JOURNAL, WOOPS
LMAO I WAS SO CONFUSED
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