[ It's not. Or, rather, it isn't directed at the idea that he was thinking about her, and more that she does not understand why. ]
I merely... I suppose I'm curious what my ghost made you feel. I'm trying to imagine some horrible spirit standing in the corner, glaring and judging you, and I hope that's not how you felt.
[ They knew each other such a short time and while who she was ten years ago might have been more obvious to onlookers - that she was Irving's apprentice, studious, curious, who was loyal to friends but made poor choices in who her friends should be - she knows very little of Cullen himself. Even ten years ago, she knew very little. ]
I don't want to have made you feel as if you were someone who deserved my reproach. I don't have any right to judge you.
[ Cullen wears an awkward, forced smile at that. He's quite embarrassed, really, because it is true that they hadn't known each other well enough to provoke such opinions, really. That's the reality of the matter, but certainly not how he felt at the time. ]
I didn't have many friends back then. Becoming close to your comrades should be common, but it is when I was stationed in Kinloch that I found difficulty in such things. I couldn't tell you what it was that deterred me... Perhaps the likelihood of being separated caused a sort of disconnect among all of us.
And I should have met you with the same thought, especially given that you were my charge.
I'm... Not sure what happened. There was something about you that, even now, I cannot touch and begin to understand.
[ Even explaining it, he finds embarrassment in it. Truly, he should have maintained a more professional stance back then. But he was foolish and young, and she was kind and beautiful. Though he won't say that aloud. ]
What I believed was foolish in my youth, but I find that they were strong enough emotions that they became cemented in my growth. While I never envisioned you as a angered spirit, your face certainly remained prominent in my mind. As did your possible opinion of me.
[ Oh. That...makes her feel worse, actually, but she doesn't let it show. Neria's gaze drops down to their hands and she is silent, mulling over the various things he has said. Something like a chuckle slips out, wistful. ]
You and I are certainly a pair, then.
[ Being afraid of losing people, hoping not to be attached. And still, he found himself thinking of her, someone who so foolishly tried to befriend him? Her fingers stretch for his, interlacing them together to hold his hand and offer...something. It's not comfort, not really. Understanding again, perhaps, but she feels it should be something deeper.
He thought of her even after she died. He thought of what she might think. And when she might have been the only friend he could have had after almost everyone else had perished...she vanished, and he believed she was dead.
Neria takes his hand into both of hers and lifts it to her lips. The kiss is not romantic nor even sexual in nature. If anything, it is closer to benediction, and she closes her eyes for a moment. ]
I feel...very foolish now.
[ In truth, she feels very angry with herself. She didn't even attempt to reach out to him, to anyone, and to know he carried some part of her all this way twists her heart in her chest. She would apologize, and almost starts to, but she knows he'll dismiss it again. She could fill an ocean with her apologies and her sorrows and it wouldn't be enough at this point.
Instead, she swallows it all and looks up at him once more. ]
There isn't anything about me that is...untouchable. I want you to know that. I'm not a hero or an enigma or someone who deserves anything more than anyone else. I'm just me.
[ He may have overstepped by sharing such things about himself with her, and there is an immediate regret in that. The mere reminder that they had barely known each other well enough to somehow excuse his feelings makes him feel just as foolish. He took more out of their meeting than he should have, carried more than he should be permitted to carry. And now look at them, sitting before one another, holding hands and sharing similar misery when they probably shouldn't. Why Cullen feels so inclined to bear his heart to her is beyond him, but he feels too weak after today to spend the energy it takes to build a wall. He has made his bed, and he will lie in it. ]
[ That much is sealed, with a kiss even, and Cullen can't help but commit to memory what it feels like to have her lips kiss him not once, but twice. It's affection, comfort that he's never been graced with in decades and such a thing he will hold on to without intention. ]
I know... I believe that now.
[ She is here, alive, solid. Cullen feels her warm breath caress his skin when she kisses his hand and clings to it. While there is plenty regret in what he has shared, she is still here. ]
If you are quite alright with my being a fool all these years, I am certain I can give the same acceptance for you.
[ For her, Cullen tries a smile, soft and genuine and hopeful that it will make her feel less guilty. ]
[ And there it is again. This time, Neria cuts herself off before she can spin back into something frivolous and foolish. With a weighted sigh and a shake of her head, she lets it go. ]
All right. Our little secret: that we're both fools sitting up in a bedroom loft, wondering how our lives spun out of control.
[ Because that's true enough, isn't it? Making terrible decisions seems to be the recurring theme between them for various reasons. She might as well accept it. Neria manages a smile, even if it's crooked and a little worn at the edges. ]
And kept between us for the time being, understand. I promise to tell your Inquisitor...everything I can -- [ Not everything, unfortunately. ] -- but all of this stays here with you.
[ Cullen raises a brow, prepared for her to argue. But surprisingly enough, she stops herself. He finds relief in her sigh, how she accepts what he says, and he even chuckles a bit at her reply. ]
I'm sure that is a secret easily kept.
[ Because wow, the last thing their subordinates need to know is how much of a disaster they both are. But Cullen finds comfort in knowing that he and Neria share a similar existence. ]
[ For a moment, the smile softens, and he takes one of her hands to simply wrap his pinkie around hers. Cullen's gaze doesn't leave hers. ]
[ Neria looks down at their hands and the fingers now intertwined, and she can't help but laugh. It's such a small and simple thing, really, but...when was the last time she felt capable of being open with someone like this? He is being ridiculous with her without being patronizing, comforting without allowing her to run roughshod over herself.
It helps her quiet the doubt in her mind, if only for a time. She's more at peace now with her decision to come here, to work with the Inquisition. To be beside him again, even if that had not initially been any intention of hers.
Still, she gives him a smile and tightens her tenuous hold over his finger. ]
And you have mine.
[ The next few weeks run by in an almost blur of activity. She never imagined Skyhold would be so infinitesimally busy. From a distance, the snow and cold made it seem so serene, quiet. But the visiting nobles seem endless, always asking for the Inquisitor's ear or for a favor. The war council meets for several hours at a time in between the courtly dances the Inquisitor seems unfortunately obliged to attend to.
Neria, for her part, feels as if she's been run roughshod over a myriad of different emotions over the past few weeks. The questioning had been acceptable, if difficult, and there is still a great deal she has not told. She's offered the truth, however, in everything she has said...and perhaps that is why she's still there. But she made a promise, one she intends to keep.
The Wardens are frayed, so many of the mages dead, and Neria is one of the last that is untouched by Corypheus' influence...even if she still hears the Calling, something else she does not divulge. Her people look to her for guidance and support and she refuses to let them down, even if it means a continuous encouragement for them to defer to the Inquisition. Until the danger has passed, they are little more than prisoners working for a lesser sentence - something she believes they deserve to experience after the Order has had too much leeway on its own.
She sees a great deal of Cullen in that time, from practice in the field to the few trips they've taken into Ferelden and Orlais. It provides time for them to catch up in between exercises and excursions, the Wardens always tasked with killing and restoring control to sites that have been seized by the enemy. They make use of the fortress in Crestwood to help rebuild what has been lost, the mayor's betrayal not unlike the Wardens', and Neria returns from the trek to the coast with Cullen at her side. She swipes back the hair from her face as she tries to read the missive Leliana has sent for the both of them to read, a summons back to Skyhold in preparation for Empress Celene's ball. ]
I still don't know how he thinks he's going to sneak anyone in there without being instantly spotted. None of Corypheus' followers are the definition of subtle, really.
[ As they enter the common room they've been using to discuss their collaborations and projects, she goes to approach the map they have out and open, and it is there that she pauses to look over at the side table. There's wine laid out, along with morsels and snacks to be sampled, warm bread, and other foods. She looks back at Cullen. ]
[ Cullen is rather glad to see Neria acclimating well enough to her new position, grateful to know that she has at least found purpose here. And that the Inquisition feels the same. He finds further gratitude in the time they have been able to spend with one another, and has even found that it's been easier to get to know her in the weeks that have passed. More so than he had when she was merely his charge. No, this time, they share a similar rank, and the partnership that comes with it has made quite the difference. While Cullen has always had full confidence he can run an army on his own, he welcomes the help of another. Neria is smart, cunning, and her being here has brought much benefit to the cause. ]
[ He hasn't pried on the secrets she has kept, nor has he tried to go any further in questioning her beyond what they have already done. What matters is that she is here, helping, and he's certainly found a friendship in her he hasn't rightly made with the others. ]
[ Though, needless to say, it appears that the others feel the same. It has been cause of encouragement, and it is almost insufferable. The Inquisitor, Leliana, and especially Josephine have managed to bring up his "painfully single" status quite a few times. In passing, directly... If he is to be questioned again about whether or not he plans to marry in front of Neria one more time... ]
[ It's because of this that the temporary stay at Crestwood is welcomed. He can be further productive here, help rectify the damage that had been made from flooding parts of the village. There is a darkness to having attended so many funerals, but it is in the peace that those who have lost now have closure that he can find pride in his duties. ]
[ Cullen walks beside her, ensuring the door is closed behind them so they might have their privacy to discuss the upcoming ball. ]
Of course not. Especially those who rely on red lyrium. You can see those brutes from a mile away... But I wouldn't count on Corypheus being so hasty. Surely, he has some--
[ He stops, just as he's prepared the map for them, pawns at ready to be placed where necessary in time for their nightly meeting. Cullen looks where Neria points out a certain gathering of food and wine. ]
[ His eyes squint in that direction, immediately knowing who it is likely from. ]
I wasn't.
[ Cullen paces towards the side table, reaching quickly for the bottle where, sure enough, a note dangles from the top. Just as they have always been, they are vague. Bearing a certain Inquisitor's signature. He'd managed to hide the few baskets that had been left at his door back in Skyhold. Just before Neria had been sent to his office for a "briefing" he would have to make up on the fly to keep up appearances. This is inappropriate, and now is hardly the time for such nonsense. But Kaia has managed to fly under his radar, and apparently with the help of scouts and messengers this time. ]
I'm not sure how many more times I need to tell her, I don't require help.
[ Cullen sighs, and he flips over the note to show her. ]
Our Inquisitor. She has been most... Persistent as of late.
[ Neria sets the missive down on the table near the map, waiting for Cullen to investigate what's been left for him. She lifts a single brow when he tells her who it is from, and she crosses the short distance to take the note from him. There's a smile, helplessly lopsided, and she gives him a curious look. ]
Persistent of what? For you to take a break? I've been telling you that for weeks.
[ But, you know, pot, kettle. It isn't as if she has any room to talk. Commanding the Warden troops beneath the Inquisition's banner has been more than a full time job. Their numbers are smaller than she wished and too many preventative measures needed to be put into place before she could deem them ready to go up against Corypheus' troops. No more chances. Next time, none of them will come back alive.
It's not unlike the Circle, each mage paired with two others to ensure their safety, and every Warden being spotted by yet another Inquisition soldier when possible. Once she's certain they cannot cause any more harm and are not susceptible to Corypheus, she'll be more willing to give them the freedom they need to operate.
In truth, it would have been so much more difficult without Cullen. But he has understood the need for protection and has supported her both with his presence and with the information and backing he has provided. And she cannot be more appreciative of him or the Inquisition for this chance. Slowly, she's come back to herself, smiling more, feeling useful. It's a feeling she thought she'd never have again after being in self-exile for so long.
[ He sets the glass down, scoffing a touch when it hits the table and he reaches up to pinch the bridge of his nose. A break, hah, far from it. Of course, everyone has badgered him to do that, but it seems they have made it clear they're suggesting far more. ]
[ Cullen should find relief that she hasn't caught on, because even if it had taken him a while to do as much, it became very clear when they began suggesting it unwise for him to attend this ball alone. Because they were all so certain he would be the only one subject to unwanted attention. Why him? Why is it always him? If they aren't prodding at him for his hair, they're doing so about his status and supposed "celibacy". When he realized they often did it in front of Neria, it became quite obvious what their intentions were. ]
I can only assume she is trying to play matchmaker. I've been subject to unnecessary prying since our settling in Skyhold.
[ With his free arm, he gestures at the table. ]
It is far worse now. But... Nevermind that. We have much work to do before our departure tomorrow. Just ignore it.
[ For her part, she slips around him to procure the platter and wine bottle, taking it back to their intricate map and its pieces. It's late in the day and even if he isn't going to enjoy what they've left for him, she certainly will. A Warden's appetite is woefully voracious and she isn't going to let a gift like this go to waste. She sets the platter down on one side, the wine between them, and then she goes back for the glasses. ]
Partially trying to keep you from being swamped with suitors at the ball, yes, but that's really no reason--
[ Neria isn't blind enough to pretend that there haven't been insinuations. But it has been ten years and their respective positions, not to mention her secrets, are enough of a barrier that she assumes they couldn't possibly...
Well. She sets the glasses down and pours out wine for the both of them. ]
It would be easier for them to simply approach you directly, rather than all of the posturing. Regardless, we're going to need to leave for the Winter Palace shortly after we return to Skyhold. Whatever we have to plan, it needs to be now, so we have something to present to the Inquisitor on our arrival.
[ Cullen hears the bottle open, followed by the sounds of wine pouring into glasses when his hand drops and he watches what Neria is doing. And so rather casual while she does it. He should be relieved, really, that she doesn't press the matter beyond what is absolutely necessary. And it brings him enough relief that he sighs and allows for them to partake. Might as well. ]
[ Even with the time that has passed, the weeks they have worked together so closely have at least given Neria enough knowledge of him, it seems. She doesn't press the matter, and it puts his mind at ease. ]
Believe me, they have been direct.
[ And that is all he will say on the matter. Cullen takes a glass and a seat, scooting the chair forward so the map is within reach. ]
We will want to start by establishing where to place our troops. There will be a need for discretion, where I am certain Leliana can guide a delicate hand to ensure they are not found until necessary.
I would suggest they hide out around here.
[ He reaches over, tapping at an area not too far from the palace, shrouded by forest. ]
It is far enough they will remain hidden, but close enough to hear or see a signal.
[ Cullen takes a sip of his wine, a rather large one even. It's been a long day. ]
I'd like one Warden posted for every two or three of your soldiers. If we need a quick and efficient strike team in the event of a larger problem, they can provide back up. Otherwise...we've seen what Corypheus can do. The fewer of my people involved, the less of an opening we give him.
[ Neria looks on at the map with a shrewd gaze, even as she grabs a few small pieces of food to munch on. The Winter Palace has a strong enough presence and fortifications to make any sort of rescue assault a nightmare if their enemy has already slipped inside the walls. While she doubts Corypheus himself will attend, whomever he has poised to strike must be more subtle. If they make a move, getting reinforcements in to stop them will take too long. ]
We're going to need some of Leliana's spies inside, and they should probably start moving in now as servants or servers, or whatever they need to be. If something happens to the Empress, it will take too long for our forces to respond.
[ She plucks her wine glass up and takes a long drink from it, seating herself comfortably in the opposite chair. ]
I have to wonder how Corypheus hopes to kill the Empress at such a large gathering. There can easily be holes in their security but... Whomever they have will have to have been working with Celene for some time in order to win the favor of coming to the ball.
[ Cullen laughs and shakes his head, just as he reaches for a piece of bread. He sets down his glass in order to free a hand towards the butter, where he applies a generous amount. ]
Knowing Leliana, she's already made proper arrangements. But I will make sure to ask her about it as soon as we've arrived home.
[ He takes a bite of his bread, mindful of finishing before he speaks again. ]
You pose a good point. With how susceptible the Wardens have been to the Calling, it would be wise to keep how many we use at minimum. My men will be sure to watch for any present dangers among those partnered with them.
[ And that's where he stops, keeping in mind the discussions of Corypheus present. But he looks to Neria, concerned. ]
You hear it as well, don't you? You're a valuable asset to the Inquisition, but I wouldn't want to place you in a compromising position either.
[ Neria actually laughs at that as well, giving him a sideways smile that is altogether sly. ]
Knowing Leliana, she's been sending people in since we received the notice and she's five steps ahead of us. The Inquisition can't march its soldiers into the Winter Palace but she can have eyes everywhere. Very Orlesian of her.
[ It's saddened her to see that Leliana does not smile so much, seems so much harder now over the years. She misses the way she used to laugh and poke fun at the others. Neria picks up one of the pieces, turning them over in her hands while she looks at the map before them. At length, she looks up, debating her answer. The desire to lie comes up again and she pushes it away, setting the piece down closer to the map's depiction of the Winter Palace itself. ]
I've been hearing it for months now, long before Adamant's fall. I had assumed then that it was my time. But when I began hearing word about the other Wardens, I had to be sure... It's just Corypheus, hoping to make us doubt and making us desperate.
[ She picks up her glass and finishes it, reaching for the bottle once more. ]
I need to be there. You need someone who is going to be able to know immediately if he's around. For all we know, he's planted others he's controlling inside. At the very least, I'll be able to sense his presence or the presence of any Warden who escaped Adamant that he may be controlling in some way.
[ Cullen does the same, reaching for the bottle to top off his glass. Really, it isn't appropriate for them to be drinking while they are both hard at work. But he has to give it to Kaia... This bottle is actually quite good. Perfect coupled with the bread, tart yet flavorful. And he isn't really much a drinker. ]
[ He could agree on the remark about Leliana, but his focus seemed locked on Neria while the subject is there. It's a concern that he shouldn't show, really. Regardless of whether or not Neria hears the Calling, she is necessary for every mission they share. And he wouldn't want to appear as if he doubts her, but it is the worry of a friend he has grown quite close to in the passing weeks. A combination of his regret and his relief to her tardy return might be to blame for that. Still, he is thankful of her honesty, despite the look of concern that colors him. ]
I suppose you're right.
You...
[ He looks away briefly, idly swirling his glass before setting it down. ]
I can trust you will tell me if things prove to be difficult for you, yes? We are partners in this, meaning that your pain is mine as well.
[ No, it really isn't his pain. That is what she wants to tell him. Whether this Calling is real or something fabricated by Corypheus, it is no less frightening to her in the worst way. Cullen doesn't need to concern himself, especially if it is all simply an illusion Corypheus has created...but she knows that telling him that or even insinuating it won't stop him from looking out for her.
We are partners in this. Why does that make her heart hurt? ]
I'm not going to be a liability to the Inquisition or to this mission. If I do, I'll remove myself.
[ That isn't what he's saying, of course, but she wants to assure him first and foremost as his working partner, as his comrade, before anything else. Neria reaches out and touches his arm gently. ]
It's easier when I have something to focus on. You've been a great help these past few weeks. Don't doubt that.
[ He's helped to bring her back from the jaded, angry shell she was only weeks prior. She has purpose now. She has a goal that is attainable for both her soul and her conscience. The rest will come as it will. ]
Has your Warden - Blackwall - ever told you about the Calling? What it is, what it's like?
[ Cullen is able to manage a smile at her touch, silent in a moment where he can respect that she will be honest if she ever has to distance herself. He had asked the same of Cassandra once, and even if she hadn't saw fit to remove him from his duties, he had trusted her judgment when he had quit lyrium. It isn't a discussion he's had at length with Neria, but that may likely change, judging where this conversation is going. ]
[ He acknowledges her touch, placing his hand over hers a brief moment. ]
You can tell me when things change. You have my support.
[ Reaching for his glass, he takes another long drink before setting it back down. ]
No... I'm afraid Blackwall and I don't talk much. Surely not enough for such intimate discussions such as ours.
[ Perhaps not in full detail, depending, but Cullen has earned her honesty and her trust tenfold. She wants him to understand her, to not feel as if she is some unknown he cannot touch when he reaches out to her. She is a person and all of what that entails.
He coaxes a smile and she manages a laugh. ]
Should I ask if you indulge all of your friends in intimate, close discussions at any time of day, including odd hours of the night? And should I feel jealous if you do?
[ Her laugh is contagious, certainly enough to diminish some of the worry that plagues him. Cullen didn't quite have this opportunity when she was his charge, and even if he isn't surprised to find such delight in her company, it's nice to know that his judge of character was correct. ]
As if I have the time for such pleasantries. I'm not one to pry in anyone's business, and when I am indulged, it is usually not of my own choice.
[ He shakes his head. ]
I will not take blame for the discussions that occur during late hours. Surely, it was not me who raised your hand to knock at my door. I'm quite positive you and I are the only ones who go without sleep.
Ah, then I have a special spot in your favor, don't I? I'll be certain to take advantage of it in the future. Next time, perhaps I'll bring you something that will help you sleep and then you can at least say that I gave something back.
[ She gives him a wink and a smile as she rises from her seat to cross to the door. Neria closes it gently, less because of the conversation they're having now and...more because of what she wants to tell him. For all that the Wardens have become outcasts, dishonored by their own deeds, she respects some of their secrets--
Especially when such secrets could cause more harm than good, should they be known.
Returning to her seat, she's still smiling, though she carries back into the thread of discussion they had before as seamlessly as she can. ]
The Calling is how a Warden knows their time is up. What we carry within us, the reason why we can sense Darkspawn and fight like we do-- There are consequences. A shorter lifespan, terrible nightmares, a ghoulish appetite. The propensity to kill monsters again and again, unending. It isn't a glorious life.
[ Nothing is in Thedas, she's learned, but it's high time that someone knows the truth...if only so someone will know long after she is gone from this life. ]
The Calling-- It's hard to describe. You hear voices, you stop being able to sleep. You hear the call of the Archdemon, the Old Gods, and you feel compelled to answer it. We hear it during a Blight: a voice at the edges of your hearing, whispering, beckoning you. It is...like a song you cannot ignore, no matter how horrific it is to answer.
[ Cullen's brow raises, and so does a touch of red to his cheeks and above his nose. That wink may as well be an arrow to his chest, and Cullen clears his throat when he feels the impact of it. ]
You, ah--
[ You do, he wants to say. But there is a distraction in her standing up to close the door. Cullen knows what that means, as far as where their conversation had left off. He finds comfort in that distraction, because his nerves may have threatened to turn ablaze if not for it. ]
[ He is certainly aware of what the Wardens are obligated to accomplish in their lives. To fight, to prevent a Blight from taking their lands as it had so many years ago. It is not unlike what a Templar is employed for, though their cause is not really planted with such a bold expiration date. One could argue that Wardens have it far worse, and Cullen would be inclined to agree. ]
Maker...
[ It doesn't sound like a cheerful existence. Cullen certainly feels gratitude should be given to those who serve the cause, who fight so valiantly. Even if the Grey Wardens have lost their way, he couldn't find himself to further chastise them for having been misled. It is much like the Chantry, and Cullen frowns when he hears of what the Calling truly feels like. ]
That... While I cannot measure the gravity of your suffering, I understand it.
[ This certainly spikes his concern again, and it shows. Cullen has long since lost shame in reaching for Neria's hand, as it has become a gesture they often provide to one another. It is an affection only the two of them share, though the definitions of it have never truly been discussed, and Cullen wouldn't force that they do. Not now, and certainly not when they are at war. ]
Much of the same occurs to one addicted to lyrium who has ceased their dosage. Nightmares, voices, hallucinations that have the potential to taint one's mind for good.
[ Knowing the similarities makes him sick. To know that Neria could be going through it at any moment, even now... Cullen's hand tightens around hers. ]
[ She always finds comfort in the way he takes her hand. There is something incredibly tender about the gesture, genuine and caring, and she selfishly soaks it up when she has the chance. Cullen is able to calm a storm in her heart with a single touch, if only for a moment, because he proves time and again that she is not alone.
Her thumb brushes over his knuckles and she squeezes his hand in gratitude, meeting his gaze from across the small space between them. ]
I'm sorry for that. For the Chantry, for the things you've been through. I've seen what lyrium can do to Templars, even long before the Red Templars began storming the countryside. It's...a painful and cruel leash they've given you in the name of righteousness.
[ She can't forgive it. So much of what the Chantry says is a lie. Alistair didn't need lyrium to produce his abilities, and he did not suffer for it. What Cullen has gone through and will continue to go through will be terrible. It will ravage his body and leave him with nothing before it is through. ]
The Calling is not something we speak of until after the Joining. There are too many secrets among the Wardens and I intend to fix that. When we hear the Calling, we are encouraged to storm the Deep Roads and kill as many Darkspawn as possible before succumbing. Our sacrifice is made worthwhile, as it always has been.
[ Her gaze hardens briefly. ]
Not unlike what is expected of Templars. I'm certain you understand; the Chantry necessitates full sacrifice from its warriors, as the Wardens do.
[ Neria looks him over for a moment, silent as she does so. ]
...I haven't seen you take lyrium since I've been here.
[ She had noticed very shortly after her arrival that he never took breaks for it, never asked for any. She had wondered but now that he speaks about a decrease in dosage... Her concern is obvious, muddled with fear. ]
[ Nothing she explains is unfamiliar, certainly something he has experienced himself since leaving The Order. While there aren't voices telling him to fight until the death among the Deep Roads, there are voices that chastise him for breaking his vows. Reminders of the torture he had been subjected to years ago, threats, guilt... What Neria is experiencing is almost a mirror's image to what he has already gone through, and it is there that he finds a common ground with Neria he might never find with anyone else. She is truly a valuable companion, and he is happy to have her by his side. ]
Know that I and the Inquisition appreciate and value your sacrifice. Wardens are valuable, just as the entirety of our troops are. I know that you will do right by them, and they are fortunate to have you as their leader.
[ But the subject takes a turn to him, surely a change in direction that he would rather avoid. Cullen hates talking about himself, about his mistakes that have led him to his final decision. Neria and him have been practically attached by the hip since her joining the Inquisition, and the question would have certainly come up eventually. He owes Neria honesty, just as much as she has given him. ]
[ She looks concerned, scared, and Cullen squeezes her hand in reassurance, while the other holds up in protest. ]
I'm fine.
[ He wants to make that very clear, even if there may be a bit of a lie in there. While the symptoms haven't piqued quite yet, they are there. Before, he could get away with a few hours of sleep, but that becomes more a challenge as each night passes. ]
[ He lowers his hand, letting it join the other where he holds Neria's in both of them. ]
We are in this together, but I was waiting for a more appropriate time to tell you.
Yes, I stopped taking lyrium. Before you arrived, actually. After what I had witnessed in my service as a Templar, I decided to distance myself from that life. My vows have been broken, and I will accept whatever consequences follow.
[ And he smiles, forced as it may be. ]
I have support. I have asked Cassandra to keep an eye on me, to determine whether or not I am to leave my post. But I've doubts it will come to that, I won't let my decision interfere with the task at hand.
[ He hasn't been taking lyrium for some time, then. Since Kirkwall? She doesn't know, but her eyes are wide as she sits with him. She's never known a Templar simply to stop taking lyrium, not even when she has met Templar recruits turned Wardens. It is a lifelong addiction with disastrous consequences, and to look on him, she would not even begin to suspect--
But she had wondered. He has looked healthier, seems to be doing better in some respects than other Templars she has met. It doesn't mean he is well by any means, nor that he is free of pain, but it means the chain is broken.
She takes his other hand in hers and holds it tightly. ]
No one from the Chantry or the Templars should criticize the decision you have made. The Order is a mess and you said it yourself, you couldn't follow what they were asking you to do. But you could be in far more danger without it if--
[ No. He's handled himself so far, hasn't he? She has to trust him. Her exhaled sigh is tight, controlled, and she squeezes his hands again. ]
You are very, very brave to have done this. If there's anything I can do, please tell me. I can brew you up some potions or... I've been a healer for ten years now. Whatever I can, I want to do for you.
[ He has given her so much and the sudden thought that she could lose him to madness, to hallucinations, or even to death suddenly wracks her core. She can't imagine what it would be like now for him to be gone. ]
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[ It's not. Or, rather, it isn't directed at the idea that he was thinking about her, and more that she does not understand why. ]
I merely... I suppose I'm curious what my ghost made you feel. I'm trying to imagine some horrible spirit standing in the corner, glaring and judging you, and I hope that's not how you felt.
[ They knew each other such a short time and while who she was ten years ago might have been more obvious to onlookers - that she was Irving's apprentice, studious, curious, who was loyal to friends but made poor choices in who her friends should be - she knows very little of Cullen himself. Even ten years ago, she knew very little. ]
I don't want to have made you feel as if you were someone who deserved my reproach. I don't have any right to judge you.
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[ Cullen wears an awkward, forced smile at that. He's quite embarrassed, really, because it is true that they hadn't known each other well enough to provoke such opinions, really. That's the reality of the matter, but certainly not how he felt at the time. ]
I didn't have many friends back then. Becoming close to your comrades should be common, but it is when I was stationed in Kinloch that I found difficulty in such things. I couldn't tell you what it was that deterred me... Perhaps the likelihood of being separated caused a sort of disconnect among all of us.
And I should have met you with the same thought, especially given that you were my charge.
I'm... Not sure what happened. There was something about you that, even now, I cannot touch and begin to understand.
[ Even explaining it, he finds embarrassment in it. Truly, he should have maintained a more professional stance back then. But he was foolish and young, and she was kind and beautiful. Though he won't say that aloud. ]
What I believed was foolish in my youth, but I find that they were strong enough emotions that they became cemented in my growth. While I never envisioned you as a angered spirit, your face certainly remained prominent in my mind. As did your possible opinion of me.
I assure you, it is all my fault. Not yours.
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You and I are certainly a pair, then.
[ Being afraid of losing people, hoping not to be attached. And still, he found himself thinking of her, someone who so foolishly tried to befriend him? Her fingers stretch for his, interlacing them together to hold his hand and offer...something. It's not comfort, not really. Understanding again, perhaps, but she feels it should be something deeper.
He thought of her even after she died. He thought of what she might think. And when she might have been the only friend he could have had after almost everyone else had perished...she vanished, and he believed she was dead.
Neria takes his hand into both of hers and lifts it to her lips. The kiss is not romantic nor even sexual in nature. If anything, it is closer to benediction, and she closes her eyes for a moment. ]
I feel...very foolish now.
[ In truth, she feels very angry with herself. She didn't even attempt to reach out to him, to anyone, and to know he carried some part of her all this way twists her heart in her chest. She would apologize, and almost starts to, but she knows he'll dismiss it again. She could fill an ocean with her apologies and her sorrows and it wouldn't be enough at this point.
Instead, she swallows it all and looks up at him once more. ]
There isn't anything about me that is...untouchable. I want you to know that. I'm not a hero or an enigma or someone who deserves anything more than anyone else. I'm just me.
I'm not haunting you now. I'm here.
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[ That much is sealed, with a kiss even, and Cullen can't help but commit to memory what it feels like to have her lips kiss him not once, but twice. It's affection, comfort that he's never been graced with in decades and such a thing he will hold on to without intention. ]
I know... I believe that now.
[ She is here, alive, solid. Cullen feels her warm breath caress his skin when she kisses his hand and clings to it. While there is plenty regret in what he has shared, she is still here. ]
If you are quite alright with my being a fool all these years, I am certain I can give the same acceptance for you.
[ For her, Cullen tries a smile, soft and genuine and hopeful that it will make her feel less guilty. ]
It will be our secret.
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[ And there it is again. This time, Neria cuts herself off before she can spin back into something frivolous and foolish. With a weighted sigh and a shake of her head, she lets it go. ]
All right. Our little secret: that we're both fools sitting up in a bedroom loft, wondering how our lives spun out of control.
[ Because that's true enough, isn't it? Making terrible decisions seems to be the recurring theme between them for various reasons. She might as well accept it. Neria manages a smile, even if it's crooked and a little worn at the edges. ]
And kept between us for the time being, understand. I promise to tell your Inquisitor...everything I can -- [ Not everything, unfortunately. ] -- but all of this stays here with you.
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I'm sure that is a secret easily kept.
[ Because wow, the last thing their subordinates need to know is how much of a disaster they both are. But Cullen finds comfort in knowing that he and Neria share a similar existence. ]
[ For a moment, the smile softens, and he takes one of her hands to simply wrap his pinkie around hers. Cullen's gaze doesn't leave hers. ]
You have my word.
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It helps her quiet the doubt in her mind, if only for a time. She's more at peace now with her decision to come here, to work with the Inquisition. To be beside him again, even if that had not initially been any intention of hers.
Still, she gives him a smile and tightens her tenuous hold over his finger. ]
And you have mine.
[ The next few weeks run by in an almost blur of activity. She never imagined Skyhold would be so infinitesimally busy. From a distance, the snow and cold made it seem so serene, quiet. But the visiting nobles seem endless, always asking for the Inquisitor's ear or for a favor. The war council meets for several hours at a time in between the courtly dances the Inquisitor seems unfortunately obliged to attend to.
Neria, for her part, feels as if she's been run roughshod over a myriad of different emotions over the past few weeks. The questioning had been acceptable, if difficult, and there is still a great deal she has not told. She's offered the truth, however, in everything she has said...and perhaps that is why she's still there. But she made a promise, one she intends to keep.
The Wardens are frayed, so many of the mages dead, and Neria is one of the last that is untouched by Corypheus' influence...even if she still hears the Calling, something else she does not divulge. Her people look to her for guidance and support and she refuses to let them down, even if it means a continuous encouragement for them to defer to the Inquisition. Until the danger has passed, they are little more than prisoners working for a lesser sentence - something she believes they deserve to experience after the Order has had too much leeway on its own.
She sees a great deal of Cullen in that time, from practice in the field to the few trips they've taken into Ferelden and Orlais. It provides time for them to catch up in between exercises and excursions, the Wardens always tasked with killing and restoring control to sites that have been seized by the enemy. They make use of the fortress in Crestwood to help rebuild what has been lost, the mayor's betrayal not unlike the Wardens', and Neria returns from the trek to the coast with Cullen at her side. She swipes back the hair from her face as she tries to read the missive Leliana has sent for the both of them to read, a summons back to Skyhold in preparation for Empress Celene's ball. ]
I still don't know how he thinks he's going to sneak anyone in there without being instantly spotted. None of Corypheus' followers are the definition of subtle, really.
[ As they enter the common room they've been using to discuss their collaborations and projects, she goes to approach the map they have out and open, and it is there that she pauses to look over at the side table. There's wine laid out, along with morsels and snacks to be sampled, warm bread, and other foods. She looks back at Cullen. ]
...I didn't realize you were expecting company.
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[ He hasn't pried on the secrets she has kept, nor has he tried to go any further in questioning her beyond what they have already done. What matters is that she is here, helping, and he's certainly found a friendship in her he hasn't rightly made with the others. ]
[ Though, needless to say, it appears that the others feel the same. It has been cause of encouragement, and it is almost insufferable. The Inquisitor, Leliana, and especially Josephine have managed to bring up his "painfully single" status quite a few times. In passing, directly... If he is to be questioned again about whether or not he plans to marry in front of Neria one more time... ]
[ It's because of this that the temporary stay at Crestwood is welcomed. He can be further productive here, help rectify the damage that had been made from flooding parts of the village. There is a darkness to having attended so many funerals, but it is in the peace that those who have lost now have closure that he can find pride in his duties. ]
[ Cullen walks beside her, ensuring the door is closed behind them so they might have their privacy to discuss the upcoming ball. ]
Of course not. Especially those who rely on red lyrium. You can see those brutes from a mile away... But I wouldn't count on Corypheus being so hasty. Surely, he has some--
[ He stops, just as he's prepared the map for them, pawns at ready to be placed where necessary in time for their nightly meeting. Cullen looks where Neria points out a certain gathering of food and wine. ]
[ His eyes squint in that direction, immediately knowing who it is likely from. ]
I wasn't.
[ Cullen paces towards the side table, reaching quickly for the bottle where, sure enough, a note dangles from the top. Just as they have always been, they are vague. Bearing a certain Inquisitor's signature. He'd managed to hide the few baskets that had been left at his door back in Skyhold. Just before Neria had been sent to his office for a "briefing" he would have to make up on the fly to keep up appearances. This is inappropriate, and now is hardly the time for such nonsense. But Kaia has managed to fly under his radar, and apparently with the help of scouts and messengers this time. ]
I'm not sure how many more times I need to tell her, I don't require help.
[ Cullen sighs, and he flips over the note to show her. ]
Our Inquisitor. She has been most... Persistent as of late.
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Persistent of what? For you to take a break? I've been telling you that for weeks.
[ But, you know, pot, kettle. It isn't as if she has any room to talk. Commanding the Warden troops beneath the Inquisition's banner has been more than a full time job. Their numbers are smaller than she wished and too many preventative measures needed to be put into place before she could deem them ready to go up against Corypheus' troops. No more chances. Next time, none of them will come back alive.
It's not unlike the Circle, each mage paired with two others to ensure their safety, and every Warden being spotted by yet another Inquisition soldier when possible. Once she's certain they cannot cause any more harm and are not susceptible to Corypheus, she'll be more willing to give them the freedom they need to operate.
In truth, it would have been so much more difficult without Cullen. But he has understood the need for protection and has supported her both with his presence and with the information and backing he has provided. And she cannot be more appreciative of him or the Inquisition for this chance. Slowly, she's come back to herself, smiling more, feeling useful. It's a feeling she thought she'd never have again after being in self-exile for so long.
She shakes her head, handing the note back. ]
What is she hoping for, exactly, from you?
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[ Cullen should find relief that she hasn't caught on, because even if it had taken him a while to do as much, it became very clear when they began suggesting it unwise for him to attend this ball alone. Because they were all so certain he would be the only one subject to unwanted attention. Why him? Why is it always him? If they aren't prodding at him for his hair, they're doing so about his status and supposed "celibacy". When he realized they often did it in front of Neria, it became quite obvious what their intentions were. ]
I can only assume she is trying to play matchmaker. I've been subject to unnecessary prying since our settling in Skyhold.
[ With his free arm, he gestures at the table. ]
It is far worse now. But... Nevermind that. We have much work to do before our departure tomorrow. Just ignore it.
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Partially trying to keep you from being swamped with suitors at the ball, yes, but that's really no reason--
[ Neria isn't blind enough to pretend that there haven't been insinuations. But it has been ten years and their respective positions, not to mention her secrets, are enough of a barrier that she assumes they couldn't possibly...
Well. She sets the glasses down and pours out wine for the both of them. ]
It would be easier for them to simply approach you directly, rather than all of the posturing. Regardless, we're going to need to leave for the Winter Palace shortly after we return to Skyhold. Whatever we have to plan, it needs to be now, so we have something to present to the Inquisitor on our arrival.
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[ Even with the time that has passed, the weeks they have worked together so closely have at least given Neria enough knowledge of him, it seems. She doesn't press the matter, and it puts his mind at ease. ]
Believe me, they have been direct.
[ And that is all he will say on the matter. Cullen takes a glass and a seat, scooting the chair forward so the map is within reach. ]
We will want to start by establishing where to place our troops. There will be a need for discretion, where I am certain Leliana can guide a delicate hand to ensure they are not found until necessary.
I would suggest they hide out around here.
[ He reaches over, tapping at an area not too far from the palace, shrouded by forest. ]
It is far enough they will remain hidden, but close enough to hear or see a signal.
[ Cullen takes a sip of his wine, a rather large one even. It's been a long day. ]
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[ Neria looks on at the map with a shrewd gaze, even as she grabs a few small pieces of food to munch on. The Winter Palace has a strong enough presence and fortifications to make any sort of rescue assault a nightmare if their enemy has already slipped inside the walls. While she doubts Corypheus himself will attend, whomever he has poised to strike must be more subtle. If they make a move, getting reinforcements in to stop them will take too long. ]
We're going to need some of Leliana's spies inside, and they should probably start moving in now as servants or servers, or whatever they need to be. If something happens to the Empress, it will take too long for our forces to respond.
[ She plucks her wine glass up and takes a long drink from it, seating herself comfortably in the opposite chair. ]
I have to wonder how Corypheus hopes to kill the Empress at such a large gathering. There can easily be holes in their security but... Whomever they have will have to have been working with Celene for some time in order to win the favor of coming to the ball.
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Knowing Leliana, she's already made proper arrangements. But I will make sure to ask her about it as soon as we've arrived home.
[ He takes a bite of his bread, mindful of finishing before he speaks again. ]
You pose a good point. With how susceptible the Wardens have been to the Calling, it would be wise to keep how many we use at minimum. My men will be sure to watch for any present dangers among those partnered with them.
[ And that's where he stops, keeping in mind the discussions of Corypheus present. But he looks to Neria, concerned. ]
You hear it as well, don't you? You're a valuable asset to the Inquisition, but I wouldn't want to place you in a compromising position either.
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Knowing Leliana, she's been sending people in since we received the notice and she's five steps ahead of us. The Inquisition can't march its soldiers into the Winter Palace but she can have eyes everywhere. Very Orlesian of her.
[ It's saddened her to see that Leliana does not smile so much, seems so much harder now over the years. She misses the way she used to laugh and poke fun at the others. Neria picks up one of the pieces, turning them over in her hands while she looks at the map before them. At length, she looks up, debating her answer. The desire to lie comes up again and she pushes it away, setting the piece down closer to the map's depiction of the Winter Palace itself. ]
I've been hearing it for months now, long before Adamant's fall. I had assumed then that it was my time. But when I began hearing word about the other Wardens, I had to be sure... It's just Corypheus, hoping to make us doubt and making us desperate.
[ She picks up her glass and finishes it, reaching for the bottle once more. ]
I need to be there. You need someone who is going to be able to know immediately if he's around. For all we know, he's planted others he's controlling inside. At the very least, I'll be able to sense his presence or the presence of any Warden who escaped Adamant that he may be controlling in some way.
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[ He could agree on the remark about Leliana, but his focus seemed locked on Neria while the subject is there. It's a concern that he shouldn't show, really. Regardless of whether or not Neria hears the Calling, she is necessary for every mission they share. And he wouldn't want to appear as if he doubts her, but it is the worry of a friend he has grown quite close to in the passing weeks. A combination of his regret and his relief to her tardy return might be to blame for that. Still, he is thankful of her honesty, despite the look of concern that colors him. ]
I suppose you're right.
You...
[ He looks away briefly, idly swirling his glass before setting it down. ]
I can trust you will tell me if things prove to be difficult for you, yes? We are partners in this, meaning that your pain is mine as well.
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We are partners in this. Why does that make her heart hurt? ]
I'm not going to be a liability to the Inquisition or to this mission. If I do, I'll remove myself.
[ That isn't what he's saying, of course, but she wants to assure him first and foremost as his working partner, as his comrade, before anything else. Neria reaches out and touches his arm gently. ]
It's easier when I have something to focus on. You've been a great help these past few weeks. Don't doubt that.
[ He's helped to bring her back from the jaded, angry shell she was only weeks prior. She has purpose now. She has a goal that is attainable for both her soul and her conscience. The rest will come as it will. ]
Has your Warden - Blackwall - ever told you about the Calling? What it is, what it's like?
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[ He acknowledges her touch, placing his hand over hers a brief moment. ]
You can tell me when things change. You have my support.
[ Reaching for his glass, he takes another long drink before setting it back down. ]
No... I'm afraid Blackwall and I don't talk much. Surely not enough for such intimate discussions such as ours.
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[ Perhaps not in full detail, depending, but Cullen has earned her honesty and her trust tenfold. She wants him to understand her, to not feel as if she is some unknown he cannot touch when he reaches out to her. She is a person and all of what that entails.
He coaxes a smile and she manages a laugh. ]
Should I ask if you indulge all of your friends in intimate, close discussions at any time of day, including odd hours of the night? And should I feel jealous if you do?
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As if I have the time for such pleasantries. I'm not one to pry in anyone's business, and when I am indulged, it is usually not of my own choice.
[ He shakes his head. ]
I will not take blame for the discussions that occur during late hours. Surely, it was not me who raised your hand to knock at my door. I'm quite positive you and I are the only ones who go without sleep.
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[ She gives him a wink and a smile as she rises from her seat to cross to the door. Neria closes it gently, less because of the conversation they're having now and...more because of what she wants to tell him. For all that the Wardens have become outcasts, dishonored by their own deeds, she respects some of their secrets--
Especially when such secrets could cause more harm than good, should they be known.
Returning to her seat, she's still smiling, though she carries back into the thread of discussion they had before as seamlessly as she can. ]
The Calling is how a Warden knows their time is up. What we carry within us, the reason why we can sense Darkspawn and fight like we do-- There are consequences. A shorter lifespan, terrible nightmares, a ghoulish appetite. The propensity to kill monsters again and again, unending. It isn't a glorious life.
[ Nothing is in Thedas, she's learned, but it's high time that someone knows the truth...if only so someone will know long after she is gone from this life. ]
The Calling-- It's hard to describe. You hear voices, you stop being able to sleep. You hear the call of the Archdemon, the Old Gods, and you feel compelled to answer it. We hear it during a Blight: a voice at the edges of your hearing, whispering, beckoning you. It is...like a song you cannot ignore, no matter how horrific it is to answer.
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You, ah--
[ You do, he wants to say. But there is a distraction in her standing up to close the door. Cullen knows what that means, as far as where their conversation had left off. He finds comfort in that distraction, because his nerves may have threatened to turn ablaze if not for it. ]
[ He is certainly aware of what the Wardens are obligated to accomplish in their lives. To fight, to prevent a Blight from taking their lands as it had so many years ago. It is not unlike what a Templar is employed for, though their cause is not really planted with such a bold expiration date. One could argue that Wardens have it far worse, and Cullen would be inclined to agree. ]
Maker...
[ It doesn't sound like a cheerful existence. Cullen certainly feels gratitude should be given to those who serve the cause, who fight so valiantly. Even if the Grey Wardens have lost their way, he couldn't find himself to further chastise them for having been misled. It is much like the Chantry, and Cullen frowns when he hears of what the Calling truly feels like. ]
That... While I cannot measure the gravity of your suffering, I understand it.
[ This certainly spikes his concern again, and it shows. Cullen has long since lost shame in reaching for Neria's hand, as it has become a gesture they often provide to one another. It is an affection only the two of them share, though the definitions of it have never truly been discussed, and Cullen wouldn't force that they do. Not now, and certainly not when they are at war. ]
Much of the same occurs to one addicted to lyrium who has ceased their dosage. Nightmares, voices, hallucinations that have the potential to taint one's mind for good.
[ Knowing the similarities makes him sick. To know that Neria could be going through it at any moment, even now... Cullen's hand tightens around hers. ]
I'm sorry. For you and for your men.
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Her thumb brushes over his knuckles and she squeezes his hand in gratitude, meeting his gaze from across the small space between them. ]
I'm sorry for that. For the Chantry, for the things you've been through. I've seen what lyrium can do to Templars, even long before the Red Templars began storming the countryside. It's...a painful and cruel leash they've given you in the name of righteousness.
[ She can't forgive it. So much of what the Chantry says is a lie. Alistair didn't need lyrium to produce his abilities, and he did not suffer for it. What Cullen has gone through and will continue to go through will be terrible. It will ravage his body and leave him with nothing before it is through. ]
The Calling is not something we speak of until after the Joining. There are too many secrets among the Wardens and I intend to fix that. When we hear the Calling, we are encouraged to storm the Deep Roads and kill as many Darkspawn as possible before succumbing. Our sacrifice is made worthwhile, as it always has been.
[ Her gaze hardens briefly. ]
Not unlike what is expected of Templars. I'm certain you understand; the Chantry necessitates full sacrifice from its warriors, as the Wardens do.
[ Neria looks him over for a moment, silent as she does so. ]
...I haven't seen you take lyrium since I've been here.
[ She had noticed very shortly after her arrival that he never took breaks for it, never asked for any. She had wondered but now that he speaks about a decrease in dosage... Her concern is obvious, muddled with fear. ]
Cullen --
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Know that I and the Inquisition appreciate and value your sacrifice. Wardens are valuable, just as the entirety of our troops are. I know that you will do right by them, and they are fortunate to have you as their leader.
[ But the subject takes a turn to him, surely a change in direction that he would rather avoid. Cullen hates talking about himself, about his mistakes that have led him to his final decision. Neria and him have been practically attached by the hip since her joining the Inquisition, and the question would have certainly come up eventually. He owes Neria honesty, just as much as she has given him. ]
[ She looks concerned, scared, and Cullen squeezes her hand in reassurance, while the other holds up in protest. ]
I'm fine.
[ He wants to make that very clear, even if there may be a bit of a lie in there. While the symptoms haven't piqued quite yet, they are there. Before, he could get away with a few hours of sleep, but that becomes more a challenge as each night passes. ]
[ He lowers his hand, letting it join the other where he holds Neria's in both of them. ]
We are in this together, but I was waiting for a more appropriate time to tell you.
Yes, I stopped taking lyrium. Before you arrived, actually. After what I had witnessed in my service as a Templar, I decided to distance myself from that life. My vows have been broken, and I will accept whatever consequences follow.
[ And he smiles, forced as it may be. ]
I have support. I have asked Cassandra to keep an eye on me, to determine whether or not I am to leave my post. But I've doubts it will come to that, I won't let my decision interfere with the task at hand.
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But she had wondered. He has looked healthier, seems to be doing better in some respects than other Templars she has met. It doesn't mean he is well by any means, nor that he is free of pain, but it means the chain is broken.
She takes his other hand in hers and holds it tightly. ]
No one from the Chantry or the Templars should criticize the decision you have made. The Order is a mess and you said it yourself, you couldn't follow what they were asking you to do. But you could be in far more danger without it if--
[ No. He's handled himself so far, hasn't he? She has to trust him. Her exhaled sigh is tight, controlled, and she squeezes his hands again. ]
You are very, very brave to have done this. If there's anything I can do, please tell me. I can brew you up some potions or... I've been a healer for ten years now. Whatever I can, I want to do for you.
[ He has given her so much and the sudden thought that she could lose him to madness, to hallucinations, or even to death suddenly wracks her core. She can't imagine what it would be like now for him to be gone. ]
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WRONG JOURNAL, WOOPS
LMAO I WAS SO CONFUSED
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