[ Cullen falls silent when the tensions finally come to a simmer rather than a boil, and his heart steadies at that. Whatever it is that she is holding, daunting as it may be, there is a reason. And unfortunately, neither of them have the luxury of being able to place everything on the table. The fact of the matter, right now, is that they need her. With the Wardens now being a part of their cause, they need guidance, and perhaps that is a guidance that Cullen can not provide in his position. ]
[ His thumb gently caresses her temple, an affectionate gesture that is reserved for only her. Once upon a time, such a gesture may have made him burn red and turn away. But that is not him anymore, especially with a woman he is so attached to the idea of reminding himself that she is truly here. She kisses his hand, and his heart skips a beat to it, his stomach flutters. Where he is aware that she is now his comrade, she is also his friend, and he takes the hand that he holds to his lips to gently return the gesture across her knuckles. ]
If we are to work beside one another, it is important we have each other's support. But I am your friend, and I want you to know that.
We will take this one day at a time. For now, you have my faith and trust.
[ She doesn't deserve the faith he gives her. That's what she believes, that's what she wants to say, but to spurn the confidence he is giving her now when they have both tried to bare each other's hearts would be unconscionable. She can't. So Neria sits in silence and tries to agree, tries to believe like he does, and hope for the best. She lost much of her faith so long ago that having him there, having someone deliberately support her, seems so strange still.
But she nods as she opens her eyes, giving him her full attention. ]
You have my support, Cullen. You do. As does the Inquisition.
[ It's the closest she can give to a real promise, because she can't say 'I won't leave now'. She gives him a very small and sad smile. ]
Your trust means more to me than you know. I'm here for you...when I'm not being such a damnable mess myself, anyway. You have me.
[ A damnable mess. Cullen can't help the chuckle that brings out of him, and he shakes his head to such a remark. ]
If we are to speak of messes, take a look at who is sitting before you.
[ A piece of her hair falls over his hand, threatening to cover her face, and he gently lets go of her cheek to tuck that piece behind her ear. ]
Our mistakes exist for purpose. I may strive to appear as perfect as can be for the sake of my troops, but I can only maintain so much behind close doors. I'm certain the same can be said for you.
[ She chuckles with him, quiet and lackluster, but the smile she gives is truthful at least. ]
At least you understand, then.
[ And that is what ties it all together; Cullen understands like no one else does what it means to hurt so deeply and to be unable to show it. Neria lets go of his one hand but never the other, as if incapable of doing so. There is still comfort to be had and a sense of security she didn't have before. He hasn't let go either, not even when she had yelled. She glances away for a quick moment, then turns back to him. Her hand tightens over his. ]
It was...harder, years ago, when I first tried doing this.
[ 'This' being 'saving the world'. ]
You're there with the same people every single day. You're practically sleeping on top of one another, the same few people. I felt like I couldn't fall apart. They kept me held together.
[ She was just too frightened to let her insecurities out, and when things came to a head, she made terrible decisions for it. ]
I think I'd feel better today if I'd let myself go every now and again. Does that sound silly?
[ Cullen understands, though this may be truly the first time he's had the opportunity to make as many friends as he has. Through his training and the many transfers he's experienced, Cullen tried not to get attached to those surrounding him. Many times, it failed, and he was met with the consequences of losing friends both in combat and separation. It's caused a distance, something even his family has unfortunately suffered through. ]
[ While she speaks, he looks at their hands, watches as his thumb rolls lazy circles over her knuckles. There is always a touch of regret when he allows himself to grow attached to someone, and Neria is a strong reminder of that. Knowing he could lose her again at any moment... It's uncomfortable. And the same could be said of his fellow advisors, of the Inquisitor he has grown to admire and trust. ]
It is much the same here. Even I find myself a bit surprised by the concept.
[ His gaze meets with hers at the mention of letting go, feeling better in doing it. ]
I've... Never quite tried that myself, to be honest.
[ Every time he has? It's been pure accident. His feelings for Neria being one of those accidents. ]
I don't find it silly, no.
[ He clears his throat, looking away yet again. ]
Suppose I could stand to let go every once in a while myself.
That's because you always had people watching you.
[ That, too, she understands. Templars and mages were under the same sort of scrutiny, even if unequal. There were high expectations of him as a young man, greater still now that he is the commander of the Inquisition's armies. The prospect must be daunting. ]
But you're human and you're allowed to feel anything you want, Cullen. And you should be allowed to let yourself go every once in a while. No one is going to look down on you for it.
[ The soldiers might feel more comfortable, frankly, to know their commanding officer isn't quite so stoic.
Neria looks at him, squeezing his hand slowly, gently. ]
[ She has a point. Cullen has gone through the majority of his life being supervised, and he never had much of an issue with it. Those who oversee him were important, their opinions were held highly by him. But now, it is his opinion of others that matters. All the same, it is in that position that he feels it best to not show weakness of any sort. It's why he only told those that mattered of his decision to completely separate himself from his ties to The Order. None of his soldiers have ever been aware of the change. ]
[ Cullen wears a thoughtful, gentle smile at her approval. It is in such views she holds for him that he finds comfort, given the many years that have passed where he could merely wonder. He shifts himself, facing her upfront though his gaze meeting hers looks back down to their hands. He's rather entranced by them, as they provide a feeling he has yet to truly feel in a long, long time. Cullen turns over one of Neria's hands, palm up for his fingers to better touch and examine the lines that adorn it. He is silent in his thoughts, relieved to feel them completely clear of the ones that had plagued him just moments ago. ]
I'm... Glad to hear that.
[ It's strange... Finding relief of those moments are much harder when he is alone. But Neria's presence is soothing enough, both in the fact that she is here and that he can truly have his closure. Her friendship is something he is quite satisfied to lean on. ]
Is it strange that I hold your judgment of me so highly? Even after all this time?
[ It's surprising, to say the least, and that much is obvious from her expression. ]
You'd care what a dead woman might think of you after ten years? That's...dedication, at least.
[ Is that even the right word? Did he carry his guilt so tightly that he only thought of what she might say? Neria frowns, the shift in her expression more thoughtful than anything else. Her eyes drop to their hands, where his fingers brush over her palm, and to their knees that are seated together. She feels more at ease here than she should be allowed to, comfortable with him. Cullen has listened to her tonight and has been more accepting of her return than she would have initially expected.
But why hasn't he let her go after all this time? ]
I...did think highly of you, you should know, when we were in Kinloch Hold together.
[ That comes out a bit too intimate, and she smiles, silently chastising herself for it. ]
It isn't as if there were very cruel Templars there. Unlike some of the stories I've heard from other Circles, it was quiet until--
[ Until Uldred and Loghain, and everything going to the void in a hand basket. ]
But you weren't like some of the others. You didn't stare or make me feel uncomfortable. You didn't treat me like I was a monster. You saw me as a person. I had hoped that we would be... [ A pause. ] Maker, this sounds embarrassing. I hoped we would be good examples for others, that we could get along without being afraid of each other.
As much as I care about what the Maker thinks of me, I'm afraid...
[ He laughs a touch at that, but it's the truth. There was enough between them that he felt her opinion mattered. But Cullen has always valued the thoughts of others, wishing merely to be someone one could rely on with confidence. It is why he held so tightly to his orders, to the vows he had taken. Cullen is, and always will be, a man of dedication. But he supposes it sounds odd to hang on to the opinions of a dead woman, even if she never turned out to be... Well... Actually dead. ]
[ His eyes shift back up, quickly, when she confesses her thoughts on him. There is a slight bit of shock there, if not a glimmer of comfort that comes with such an honor. Cullen doesn't look away when he should, because he does not realize his face has taken on a slight tint of red. In contrast to his ivory skin and bright hair, it glows in the moonlight. ]
I...
[ Again, he looks down, just as his hand flattens above hers, fingers idly lacing together yet again. His hand is so much larger in contrast, but it makes her hand fit so perfectly. ]
I was once afraid, as I always had been of Mages. An unwise and misguided fear that I can't help but scorn when I look back.
But you changed my mind. It was in our meeting that I realized my views were merely black and white. I am ashamed such a feeling did not last, and had not returned to me until well after you were gone.
That's because you were trained to be wary of us. Mages aren't supposed to be friends with Templars. We're your charges, effectively your prisoners. You understand that, don't you? That's what the Chantry wants us to believe.
[ So the ten years might have made her bitter. Warden or not, it isn't as if she's been able to go into any chapels or to pray, or even to exercise her rights in public. Every town has a few Templars; every Chantry has a few as well. How could she get close without them knowing, without exposing everything? One question would undoubtedly lead to another, and another, and everything would have fallen through.
But she's also had the time to learn from people like Velanna, people like Anders, those who could show her how the Chantry has become so corrupt over the years. There will always be good people in it - Leliana, Cassandra, Divine Justinia - but it is no longer a place of sanctuary. He has been leashed too long to their doctrine and dogma. ]
If you were afraid, you didn't show it too much. You were always kind to me. I appreciated it and always wanted to thank you. But when I saw you again-- I couldn't.
[ Not when he was hurting so much. She lifts her gaze to look at him. ]
You really wondered what I would have thought of you, even ten years later?
[ Cullen nods. Of course he understands that. The fact that Mages were considered less than human, a danger to society... He could go on about the things he has been told and made to believe. And for so many years, he did believe them. There was a moment where he had woken up, where the disaster he saw around them began to make less sense each time. He is ashamed to have been a part of it, and so badly wants the Chantry to be what it should have been. His faith has withstood the doubt, but how long will it be until that betrays him as well? ]
[ The thought of what could have been has always plagued him, and he's quite ashamed of it really. But he can't help the way his heart works, especially after all this time. ]
[ Cullen meets her gaze again at her question, sympathy and even shame in his eyes. ]
That makes you uncomfortable.
[ An observation, merely. Not quite an accusation, and more a question than anything else. ]
[ It's not. Or, rather, it isn't directed at the idea that he was thinking about her, and more that she does not understand why. ]
I merely... I suppose I'm curious what my ghost made you feel. I'm trying to imagine some horrible spirit standing in the corner, glaring and judging you, and I hope that's not how you felt.
[ They knew each other such a short time and while who she was ten years ago might have been more obvious to onlookers - that she was Irving's apprentice, studious, curious, who was loyal to friends but made poor choices in who her friends should be - she knows very little of Cullen himself. Even ten years ago, she knew very little. ]
I don't want to have made you feel as if you were someone who deserved my reproach. I don't have any right to judge you.
[ Cullen wears an awkward, forced smile at that. He's quite embarrassed, really, because it is true that they hadn't known each other well enough to provoke such opinions, really. That's the reality of the matter, but certainly not how he felt at the time. ]
I didn't have many friends back then. Becoming close to your comrades should be common, but it is when I was stationed in Kinloch that I found difficulty in such things. I couldn't tell you what it was that deterred me... Perhaps the likelihood of being separated caused a sort of disconnect among all of us.
And I should have met you with the same thought, especially given that you were my charge.
I'm... Not sure what happened. There was something about you that, even now, I cannot touch and begin to understand.
[ Even explaining it, he finds embarrassment in it. Truly, he should have maintained a more professional stance back then. But he was foolish and young, and she was kind and beautiful. Though he won't say that aloud. ]
What I believed was foolish in my youth, but I find that they were strong enough emotions that they became cemented in my growth. While I never envisioned you as a angered spirit, your face certainly remained prominent in my mind. As did your possible opinion of me.
[ Oh. That...makes her feel worse, actually, but she doesn't let it show. Neria's gaze drops down to their hands and she is silent, mulling over the various things he has said. Something like a chuckle slips out, wistful. ]
You and I are certainly a pair, then.
[ Being afraid of losing people, hoping not to be attached. And still, he found himself thinking of her, someone who so foolishly tried to befriend him? Her fingers stretch for his, interlacing them together to hold his hand and offer...something. It's not comfort, not really. Understanding again, perhaps, but she feels it should be something deeper.
He thought of her even after she died. He thought of what she might think. And when she might have been the only friend he could have had after almost everyone else had perished...she vanished, and he believed she was dead.
Neria takes his hand into both of hers and lifts it to her lips. The kiss is not romantic nor even sexual in nature. If anything, it is closer to benediction, and she closes her eyes for a moment. ]
I feel...very foolish now.
[ In truth, she feels very angry with herself. She didn't even attempt to reach out to him, to anyone, and to know he carried some part of her all this way twists her heart in her chest. She would apologize, and almost starts to, but she knows he'll dismiss it again. She could fill an ocean with her apologies and her sorrows and it wouldn't be enough at this point.
Instead, she swallows it all and looks up at him once more. ]
There isn't anything about me that is...untouchable. I want you to know that. I'm not a hero or an enigma or someone who deserves anything more than anyone else. I'm just me.
[ He may have overstepped by sharing such things about himself with her, and there is an immediate regret in that. The mere reminder that they had barely known each other well enough to somehow excuse his feelings makes him feel just as foolish. He took more out of their meeting than he should have, carried more than he should be permitted to carry. And now look at them, sitting before one another, holding hands and sharing similar misery when they probably shouldn't. Why Cullen feels so inclined to bear his heart to her is beyond him, but he feels too weak after today to spend the energy it takes to build a wall. He has made his bed, and he will lie in it. ]
[ That much is sealed, with a kiss even, and Cullen can't help but commit to memory what it feels like to have her lips kiss him not once, but twice. It's affection, comfort that he's never been graced with in decades and such a thing he will hold on to without intention. ]
I know... I believe that now.
[ She is here, alive, solid. Cullen feels her warm breath caress his skin when she kisses his hand and clings to it. While there is plenty regret in what he has shared, she is still here. ]
If you are quite alright with my being a fool all these years, I am certain I can give the same acceptance for you.
[ For her, Cullen tries a smile, soft and genuine and hopeful that it will make her feel less guilty. ]
[ And there it is again. This time, Neria cuts herself off before she can spin back into something frivolous and foolish. With a weighted sigh and a shake of her head, she lets it go. ]
All right. Our little secret: that we're both fools sitting up in a bedroom loft, wondering how our lives spun out of control.
[ Because that's true enough, isn't it? Making terrible decisions seems to be the recurring theme between them for various reasons. She might as well accept it. Neria manages a smile, even if it's crooked and a little worn at the edges. ]
And kept between us for the time being, understand. I promise to tell your Inquisitor...everything I can -- [ Not everything, unfortunately. ] -- but all of this stays here with you.
[ Cullen raises a brow, prepared for her to argue. But surprisingly enough, she stops herself. He finds relief in her sigh, how she accepts what he says, and he even chuckles a bit at her reply. ]
I'm sure that is a secret easily kept.
[ Because wow, the last thing their subordinates need to know is how much of a disaster they both are. But Cullen finds comfort in knowing that he and Neria share a similar existence. ]
[ For a moment, the smile softens, and he takes one of her hands to simply wrap his pinkie around hers. Cullen's gaze doesn't leave hers. ]
[ Neria looks down at their hands and the fingers now intertwined, and she can't help but laugh. It's such a small and simple thing, really, but...when was the last time she felt capable of being open with someone like this? He is being ridiculous with her without being patronizing, comforting without allowing her to run roughshod over herself.
It helps her quiet the doubt in her mind, if only for a time. She's more at peace now with her decision to come here, to work with the Inquisition. To be beside him again, even if that had not initially been any intention of hers.
Still, she gives him a smile and tightens her tenuous hold over his finger. ]
And you have mine.
[ The next few weeks run by in an almost blur of activity. She never imagined Skyhold would be so infinitesimally busy. From a distance, the snow and cold made it seem so serene, quiet. But the visiting nobles seem endless, always asking for the Inquisitor's ear or for a favor. The war council meets for several hours at a time in between the courtly dances the Inquisitor seems unfortunately obliged to attend to.
Neria, for her part, feels as if she's been run roughshod over a myriad of different emotions over the past few weeks. The questioning had been acceptable, if difficult, and there is still a great deal she has not told. She's offered the truth, however, in everything she has said...and perhaps that is why she's still there. But she made a promise, one she intends to keep.
The Wardens are frayed, so many of the mages dead, and Neria is one of the last that is untouched by Corypheus' influence...even if she still hears the Calling, something else she does not divulge. Her people look to her for guidance and support and she refuses to let them down, even if it means a continuous encouragement for them to defer to the Inquisition. Until the danger has passed, they are little more than prisoners working for a lesser sentence - something she believes they deserve to experience after the Order has had too much leeway on its own.
She sees a great deal of Cullen in that time, from practice in the field to the few trips they've taken into Ferelden and Orlais. It provides time for them to catch up in between exercises and excursions, the Wardens always tasked with killing and restoring control to sites that have been seized by the enemy. They make use of the fortress in Crestwood to help rebuild what has been lost, the mayor's betrayal not unlike the Wardens', and Neria returns from the trek to the coast with Cullen at her side. She swipes back the hair from her face as she tries to read the missive Leliana has sent for the both of them to read, a summons back to Skyhold in preparation for Empress Celene's ball. ]
I still don't know how he thinks he's going to sneak anyone in there without being instantly spotted. None of Corypheus' followers are the definition of subtle, really.
[ As they enter the common room they've been using to discuss their collaborations and projects, she goes to approach the map they have out and open, and it is there that she pauses to look over at the side table. There's wine laid out, along with morsels and snacks to be sampled, warm bread, and other foods. She looks back at Cullen. ]
[ Cullen is rather glad to see Neria acclimating well enough to her new position, grateful to know that she has at least found purpose here. And that the Inquisition feels the same. He finds further gratitude in the time they have been able to spend with one another, and has even found that it's been easier to get to know her in the weeks that have passed. More so than he had when she was merely his charge. No, this time, they share a similar rank, and the partnership that comes with it has made quite the difference. While Cullen has always had full confidence he can run an army on his own, he welcomes the help of another. Neria is smart, cunning, and her being here has brought much benefit to the cause. ]
[ He hasn't pried on the secrets she has kept, nor has he tried to go any further in questioning her beyond what they have already done. What matters is that she is here, helping, and he's certainly found a friendship in her he hasn't rightly made with the others. ]
[ Though, needless to say, it appears that the others feel the same. It has been cause of encouragement, and it is almost insufferable. The Inquisitor, Leliana, and especially Josephine have managed to bring up his "painfully single" status quite a few times. In passing, directly... If he is to be questioned again about whether or not he plans to marry in front of Neria one more time... ]
[ It's because of this that the temporary stay at Crestwood is welcomed. He can be further productive here, help rectify the damage that had been made from flooding parts of the village. There is a darkness to having attended so many funerals, but it is in the peace that those who have lost now have closure that he can find pride in his duties. ]
[ Cullen walks beside her, ensuring the door is closed behind them so they might have their privacy to discuss the upcoming ball. ]
Of course not. Especially those who rely on red lyrium. You can see those brutes from a mile away... But I wouldn't count on Corypheus being so hasty. Surely, he has some--
[ He stops, just as he's prepared the map for them, pawns at ready to be placed where necessary in time for their nightly meeting. Cullen looks where Neria points out a certain gathering of food and wine. ]
[ His eyes squint in that direction, immediately knowing who it is likely from. ]
I wasn't.
[ Cullen paces towards the side table, reaching quickly for the bottle where, sure enough, a note dangles from the top. Just as they have always been, they are vague. Bearing a certain Inquisitor's signature. He'd managed to hide the few baskets that had been left at his door back in Skyhold. Just before Neria had been sent to his office for a "briefing" he would have to make up on the fly to keep up appearances. This is inappropriate, and now is hardly the time for such nonsense. But Kaia has managed to fly under his radar, and apparently with the help of scouts and messengers this time. ]
I'm not sure how many more times I need to tell her, I don't require help.
[ Cullen sighs, and he flips over the note to show her. ]
Our Inquisitor. She has been most... Persistent as of late.
[ Neria sets the missive down on the table near the map, waiting for Cullen to investigate what's been left for him. She lifts a single brow when he tells her who it is from, and she crosses the short distance to take the note from him. There's a smile, helplessly lopsided, and she gives him a curious look. ]
Persistent of what? For you to take a break? I've been telling you that for weeks.
[ But, you know, pot, kettle. It isn't as if she has any room to talk. Commanding the Warden troops beneath the Inquisition's banner has been more than a full time job. Their numbers are smaller than she wished and too many preventative measures needed to be put into place before she could deem them ready to go up against Corypheus' troops. No more chances. Next time, none of them will come back alive.
It's not unlike the Circle, each mage paired with two others to ensure their safety, and every Warden being spotted by yet another Inquisition soldier when possible. Once she's certain they cannot cause any more harm and are not susceptible to Corypheus, she'll be more willing to give them the freedom they need to operate.
In truth, it would have been so much more difficult without Cullen. But he has understood the need for protection and has supported her both with his presence and with the information and backing he has provided. And she cannot be more appreciative of him or the Inquisition for this chance. Slowly, she's come back to herself, smiling more, feeling useful. It's a feeling she thought she'd never have again after being in self-exile for so long.
[ He sets the glass down, scoffing a touch when it hits the table and he reaches up to pinch the bridge of his nose. A break, hah, far from it. Of course, everyone has badgered him to do that, but it seems they have made it clear they're suggesting far more. ]
[ Cullen should find relief that she hasn't caught on, because even if it had taken him a while to do as much, it became very clear when they began suggesting it unwise for him to attend this ball alone. Because they were all so certain he would be the only one subject to unwanted attention. Why him? Why is it always him? If they aren't prodding at him for his hair, they're doing so about his status and supposed "celibacy". When he realized they often did it in front of Neria, it became quite obvious what their intentions were. ]
I can only assume she is trying to play matchmaker. I've been subject to unnecessary prying since our settling in Skyhold.
[ With his free arm, he gestures at the table. ]
It is far worse now. But... Nevermind that. We have much work to do before our departure tomorrow. Just ignore it.
[ For her part, she slips around him to procure the platter and wine bottle, taking it back to their intricate map and its pieces. It's late in the day and even if he isn't going to enjoy what they've left for him, she certainly will. A Warden's appetite is woefully voracious and she isn't going to let a gift like this go to waste. She sets the platter down on one side, the wine between them, and then she goes back for the glasses. ]
Partially trying to keep you from being swamped with suitors at the ball, yes, but that's really no reason--
[ Neria isn't blind enough to pretend that there haven't been insinuations. But it has been ten years and their respective positions, not to mention her secrets, are enough of a barrier that she assumes they couldn't possibly...
Well. She sets the glasses down and pours out wine for the both of them. ]
It would be easier for them to simply approach you directly, rather than all of the posturing. Regardless, we're going to need to leave for the Winter Palace shortly after we return to Skyhold. Whatever we have to plan, it needs to be now, so we have something to present to the Inquisitor on our arrival.
[ Cullen hears the bottle open, followed by the sounds of wine pouring into glasses when his hand drops and he watches what Neria is doing. And so rather casual while she does it. He should be relieved, really, that she doesn't press the matter beyond what is absolutely necessary. And it brings him enough relief that he sighs and allows for them to partake. Might as well. ]
[ Even with the time that has passed, the weeks they have worked together so closely have at least given Neria enough knowledge of him, it seems. She doesn't press the matter, and it puts his mind at ease. ]
Believe me, they have been direct.
[ And that is all he will say on the matter. Cullen takes a glass and a seat, scooting the chair forward so the map is within reach. ]
We will want to start by establishing where to place our troops. There will be a need for discretion, where I am certain Leliana can guide a delicate hand to ensure they are not found until necessary.
I would suggest they hide out around here.
[ He reaches over, tapping at an area not too far from the palace, shrouded by forest. ]
It is far enough they will remain hidden, but close enough to hear or see a signal.
[ Cullen takes a sip of his wine, a rather large one even. It's been a long day. ]
I'd like one Warden posted for every two or three of your soldiers. If we need a quick and efficient strike team in the event of a larger problem, they can provide back up. Otherwise...we've seen what Corypheus can do. The fewer of my people involved, the less of an opening we give him.
[ Neria looks on at the map with a shrewd gaze, even as she grabs a few small pieces of food to munch on. The Winter Palace has a strong enough presence and fortifications to make any sort of rescue assault a nightmare if their enemy has already slipped inside the walls. While she doubts Corypheus himself will attend, whomever he has poised to strike must be more subtle. If they make a move, getting reinforcements in to stop them will take too long. ]
We're going to need some of Leliana's spies inside, and they should probably start moving in now as servants or servers, or whatever they need to be. If something happens to the Empress, it will take too long for our forces to respond.
[ She plucks her wine glass up and takes a long drink from it, seating herself comfortably in the opposite chair. ]
I have to wonder how Corypheus hopes to kill the Empress at such a large gathering. There can easily be holes in their security but... Whomever they have will have to have been working with Celene for some time in order to win the favor of coming to the ball.
[ Cullen laughs and shakes his head, just as he reaches for a piece of bread. He sets down his glass in order to free a hand towards the butter, where he applies a generous amount. ]
Knowing Leliana, she's already made proper arrangements. But I will make sure to ask her about it as soon as we've arrived home.
[ He takes a bite of his bread, mindful of finishing before he speaks again. ]
You pose a good point. With how susceptible the Wardens have been to the Calling, it would be wise to keep how many we use at minimum. My men will be sure to watch for any present dangers among those partnered with them.
[ And that's where he stops, keeping in mind the discussions of Corypheus present. But he looks to Neria, concerned. ]
You hear it as well, don't you? You're a valuable asset to the Inquisition, but I wouldn't want to place you in a compromising position either.
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[ His thumb gently caresses her temple, an affectionate gesture that is reserved for only her. Once upon a time, such a gesture may have made him burn red and turn away. But that is not him anymore, especially with a woman he is so attached to the idea of reminding himself that she is truly here. She kisses his hand, and his heart skips a beat to it, his stomach flutters. Where he is aware that she is now his comrade, she is also his friend, and he takes the hand that he holds to his lips to gently return the gesture across her knuckles. ]
If we are to work beside one another, it is important we have each other's support. But I am your friend, and I want you to know that.
We will take this one day at a time. For now, you have my faith and trust.
no subject
But she nods as she opens her eyes, giving him her full attention. ]
You have my support, Cullen. You do. As does the Inquisition.
[ It's the closest she can give to a real promise, because she can't say 'I won't leave now'. She gives him a very small and sad smile. ]
Your trust means more to me than you know. I'm here for you...when I'm not being such a damnable mess myself, anyway. You have me.
[ And that is the truth. ]
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If we are to speak of messes, take a look at who is sitting before you.
[ A piece of her hair falls over his hand, threatening to cover her face, and he gently lets go of her cheek to tuck that piece behind her ear. ]
Our mistakes exist for purpose. I may strive to appear as perfect as can be for the sake of my troops, but I can only maintain so much behind close doors. I'm certain the same can be said for you.
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At least you understand, then.
[ And that is what ties it all together; Cullen understands like no one else does what it means to hurt so deeply and to be unable to show it. Neria lets go of his one hand but never the other, as if incapable of doing so. There is still comfort to be had and a sense of security she didn't have before. He hasn't let go either, not even when she had yelled. She glances away for a quick moment, then turns back to him. Her hand tightens over his. ]
It was...harder, years ago, when I first tried doing this.
[ 'This' being 'saving the world'. ]
You're there with the same people every single day. You're practically sleeping on top of one another, the same few people. I felt like I couldn't fall apart. They kept me held together.
[ She was just too frightened to let her insecurities out, and when things came to a head, she made terrible decisions for it. ]
I think I'd feel better today if I'd let myself go every now and again. Does that sound silly?
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[ While she speaks, he looks at their hands, watches as his thumb rolls lazy circles over her knuckles. There is always a touch of regret when he allows himself to grow attached to someone, and Neria is a strong reminder of that. Knowing he could lose her again at any moment... It's uncomfortable. And the same could be said of his fellow advisors, of the Inquisitor he has grown to admire and trust. ]
It is much the same here. Even I find myself a bit surprised by the concept.
[ His gaze meets with hers at the mention of letting go, feeling better in doing it. ]
I've... Never quite tried that myself, to be honest.
[ Every time he has? It's been pure accident. His feelings for Neria being one of those accidents. ]
I don't find it silly, no.
[ He clears his throat, looking away yet again. ]
Suppose I could stand to let go every once in a while myself.
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[ That, too, she understands. Templars and mages were under the same sort of scrutiny, even if unequal. There were high expectations of him as a young man, greater still now that he is the commander of the Inquisition's armies. The prospect must be daunting. ]
But you're human and you're allowed to feel anything you want, Cullen. And you should be allowed to let yourself go every once in a while. No one is going to look down on you for it.
[ The soldiers might feel more comfortable, frankly, to know their commanding officer isn't quite so stoic.
Neria looks at him, squeezing his hand slowly, gently. ]
I wouldn't, at least, if you did.
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[ Cullen wears a thoughtful, gentle smile at her approval. It is in such views she holds for him that he finds comfort, given the many years that have passed where he could merely wonder. He shifts himself, facing her upfront though his gaze meeting hers looks back down to their hands. He's rather entranced by them, as they provide a feeling he has yet to truly feel in a long, long time. Cullen turns over one of Neria's hands, palm up for his fingers to better touch and examine the lines that adorn it. He is silent in his thoughts, relieved to feel them completely clear of the ones that had plagued him just moments ago. ]
I'm... Glad to hear that.
[ It's strange... Finding relief of those moments are much harder when he is alone. But Neria's presence is soothing enough, both in the fact that she is here and that he can truly have his closure. Her friendship is something he is quite satisfied to lean on. ]
Is it strange that I hold your judgment of me so highly? Even after all this time?
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You'd care what a dead woman might think of you after ten years? That's...dedication, at least.
[ Is that even the right word? Did he carry his guilt so tightly that he only thought of what she might say? Neria frowns, the shift in her expression more thoughtful than anything else. Her eyes drop to their hands, where his fingers brush over her palm, and to their knees that are seated together. She feels more at ease here than she should be allowed to, comfortable with him. Cullen has listened to her tonight and has been more accepting of her return than she would have initially expected.
But why hasn't he let her go after all this time? ]
I...did think highly of you, you should know, when we were in Kinloch Hold together.
[ That comes out a bit too intimate, and she smiles, silently chastising herself for it. ]
It isn't as if there were very cruel Templars there. Unlike some of the stories I've heard from other Circles, it was quiet until--
[ Until Uldred and Loghain, and everything going to the void in a hand basket. ]
But you weren't like some of the others. You didn't stare or make me feel uncomfortable. You didn't treat me like I was a monster. You saw me as a person. I had hoped that we would be... [ A pause. ] Maker, this sounds embarrassing. I hoped we would be good examples for others, that we could get along without being afraid of each other.
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[ He laughs a touch at that, but it's the truth. There was enough between them that he felt her opinion mattered. But Cullen has always valued the thoughts of others, wishing merely to be someone one could rely on with confidence. It is why he held so tightly to his orders, to the vows he had taken. Cullen is, and always will be, a man of dedication. But he supposes it sounds odd to hang on to the opinions of a dead woman, even if she never turned out to be... Well... Actually dead. ]
[ His eyes shift back up, quickly, when she confesses her thoughts on him. There is a slight bit of shock there, if not a glimmer of comfort that comes with such an honor. Cullen doesn't look away when he should, because he does not realize his face has taken on a slight tint of red. In contrast to his ivory skin and bright hair, it glows in the moonlight. ]
I...
[ Again, he looks down, just as his hand flattens above hers, fingers idly lacing together yet again. His hand is so much larger in contrast, but it makes her hand fit so perfectly. ]
I was once afraid, as I always had been of Mages. An unwise and misguided fear that I can't help but scorn when I look back.
But you changed my mind. It was in our meeting that I realized my views were merely black and white. I am ashamed such a feeling did not last, and had not returned to me until well after you were gone.
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[ So the ten years might have made her bitter. Warden or not, it isn't as if she's been able to go into any chapels or to pray, or even to exercise her rights in public. Every town has a few Templars; every Chantry has a few as well. How could she get close without them knowing, without exposing everything? One question would undoubtedly lead to another, and another, and everything would have fallen through.
But she's also had the time to learn from people like Velanna, people like Anders, those who could show her how the Chantry has become so corrupt over the years. There will always be good people in it - Leliana, Cassandra, Divine Justinia - but it is no longer a place of sanctuary. He has been leashed too long to their doctrine and dogma. ]
If you were afraid, you didn't show it too much. You were always kind to me. I appreciated it and always wanted to thank you. But when I saw you again-- I couldn't.
[ Not when he was hurting so much. She lifts her gaze to look at him. ]
You really wondered what I would have thought of you, even ten years later?
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[ The thought of what could have been has always plagued him, and he's quite ashamed of it really. But he can't help the way his heart works, especially after all this time. ]
[ Cullen meets her gaze again at her question, sympathy and even shame in his eyes. ]
That makes you uncomfortable.
[ An observation, merely. Not quite an accusation, and more a question than anything else. ]
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[ It's not. Or, rather, it isn't directed at the idea that he was thinking about her, and more that she does not understand why. ]
I merely... I suppose I'm curious what my ghost made you feel. I'm trying to imagine some horrible spirit standing in the corner, glaring and judging you, and I hope that's not how you felt.
[ They knew each other such a short time and while who she was ten years ago might have been more obvious to onlookers - that she was Irving's apprentice, studious, curious, who was loyal to friends but made poor choices in who her friends should be - she knows very little of Cullen himself. Even ten years ago, she knew very little. ]
I don't want to have made you feel as if you were someone who deserved my reproach. I don't have any right to judge you.
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[ Cullen wears an awkward, forced smile at that. He's quite embarrassed, really, because it is true that they hadn't known each other well enough to provoke such opinions, really. That's the reality of the matter, but certainly not how he felt at the time. ]
I didn't have many friends back then. Becoming close to your comrades should be common, but it is when I was stationed in Kinloch that I found difficulty in such things. I couldn't tell you what it was that deterred me... Perhaps the likelihood of being separated caused a sort of disconnect among all of us.
And I should have met you with the same thought, especially given that you were my charge.
I'm... Not sure what happened. There was something about you that, even now, I cannot touch and begin to understand.
[ Even explaining it, he finds embarrassment in it. Truly, he should have maintained a more professional stance back then. But he was foolish and young, and she was kind and beautiful. Though he won't say that aloud. ]
What I believed was foolish in my youth, but I find that they were strong enough emotions that they became cemented in my growth. While I never envisioned you as a angered spirit, your face certainly remained prominent in my mind. As did your possible opinion of me.
I assure you, it is all my fault. Not yours.
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You and I are certainly a pair, then.
[ Being afraid of losing people, hoping not to be attached. And still, he found himself thinking of her, someone who so foolishly tried to befriend him? Her fingers stretch for his, interlacing them together to hold his hand and offer...something. It's not comfort, not really. Understanding again, perhaps, but she feels it should be something deeper.
He thought of her even after she died. He thought of what she might think. And when she might have been the only friend he could have had after almost everyone else had perished...she vanished, and he believed she was dead.
Neria takes his hand into both of hers and lifts it to her lips. The kiss is not romantic nor even sexual in nature. If anything, it is closer to benediction, and she closes her eyes for a moment. ]
I feel...very foolish now.
[ In truth, she feels very angry with herself. She didn't even attempt to reach out to him, to anyone, and to know he carried some part of her all this way twists her heart in her chest. She would apologize, and almost starts to, but she knows he'll dismiss it again. She could fill an ocean with her apologies and her sorrows and it wouldn't be enough at this point.
Instead, she swallows it all and looks up at him once more. ]
There isn't anything about me that is...untouchable. I want you to know that. I'm not a hero or an enigma or someone who deserves anything more than anyone else. I'm just me.
I'm not haunting you now. I'm here.
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[ That much is sealed, with a kiss even, and Cullen can't help but commit to memory what it feels like to have her lips kiss him not once, but twice. It's affection, comfort that he's never been graced with in decades and such a thing he will hold on to without intention. ]
I know... I believe that now.
[ She is here, alive, solid. Cullen feels her warm breath caress his skin when she kisses his hand and clings to it. While there is plenty regret in what he has shared, she is still here. ]
If you are quite alright with my being a fool all these years, I am certain I can give the same acceptance for you.
[ For her, Cullen tries a smile, soft and genuine and hopeful that it will make her feel less guilty. ]
It will be our secret.
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[ And there it is again. This time, Neria cuts herself off before she can spin back into something frivolous and foolish. With a weighted sigh and a shake of her head, she lets it go. ]
All right. Our little secret: that we're both fools sitting up in a bedroom loft, wondering how our lives spun out of control.
[ Because that's true enough, isn't it? Making terrible decisions seems to be the recurring theme between them for various reasons. She might as well accept it. Neria manages a smile, even if it's crooked and a little worn at the edges. ]
And kept between us for the time being, understand. I promise to tell your Inquisitor...everything I can -- [ Not everything, unfortunately. ] -- but all of this stays here with you.
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I'm sure that is a secret easily kept.
[ Because wow, the last thing their subordinates need to know is how much of a disaster they both are. But Cullen finds comfort in knowing that he and Neria share a similar existence. ]
[ For a moment, the smile softens, and he takes one of her hands to simply wrap his pinkie around hers. Cullen's gaze doesn't leave hers. ]
You have my word.
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It helps her quiet the doubt in her mind, if only for a time. She's more at peace now with her decision to come here, to work with the Inquisition. To be beside him again, even if that had not initially been any intention of hers.
Still, she gives him a smile and tightens her tenuous hold over his finger. ]
And you have mine.
[ The next few weeks run by in an almost blur of activity. She never imagined Skyhold would be so infinitesimally busy. From a distance, the snow and cold made it seem so serene, quiet. But the visiting nobles seem endless, always asking for the Inquisitor's ear or for a favor. The war council meets for several hours at a time in between the courtly dances the Inquisitor seems unfortunately obliged to attend to.
Neria, for her part, feels as if she's been run roughshod over a myriad of different emotions over the past few weeks. The questioning had been acceptable, if difficult, and there is still a great deal she has not told. She's offered the truth, however, in everything she has said...and perhaps that is why she's still there. But she made a promise, one she intends to keep.
The Wardens are frayed, so many of the mages dead, and Neria is one of the last that is untouched by Corypheus' influence...even if she still hears the Calling, something else she does not divulge. Her people look to her for guidance and support and she refuses to let them down, even if it means a continuous encouragement for them to defer to the Inquisition. Until the danger has passed, they are little more than prisoners working for a lesser sentence - something she believes they deserve to experience after the Order has had too much leeway on its own.
She sees a great deal of Cullen in that time, from practice in the field to the few trips they've taken into Ferelden and Orlais. It provides time for them to catch up in between exercises and excursions, the Wardens always tasked with killing and restoring control to sites that have been seized by the enemy. They make use of the fortress in Crestwood to help rebuild what has been lost, the mayor's betrayal not unlike the Wardens', and Neria returns from the trek to the coast with Cullen at her side. She swipes back the hair from her face as she tries to read the missive Leliana has sent for the both of them to read, a summons back to Skyhold in preparation for Empress Celene's ball. ]
I still don't know how he thinks he's going to sneak anyone in there without being instantly spotted. None of Corypheus' followers are the definition of subtle, really.
[ As they enter the common room they've been using to discuss their collaborations and projects, she goes to approach the map they have out and open, and it is there that she pauses to look over at the side table. There's wine laid out, along with morsels and snacks to be sampled, warm bread, and other foods. She looks back at Cullen. ]
...I didn't realize you were expecting company.
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[ He hasn't pried on the secrets she has kept, nor has he tried to go any further in questioning her beyond what they have already done. What matters is that she is here, helping, and he's certainly found a friendship in her he hasn't rightly made with the others. ]
[ Though, needless to say, it appears that the others feel the same. It has been cause of encouragement, and it is almost insufferable. The Inquisitor, Leliana, and especially Josephine have managed to bring up his "painfully single" status quite a few times. In passing, directly... If he is to be questioned again about whether or not he plans to marry in front of Neria one more time... ]
[ It's because of this that the temporary stay at Crestwood is welcomed. He can be further productive here, help rectify the damage that had been made from flooding parts of the village. There is a darkness to having attended so many funerals, but it is in the peace that those who have lost now have closure that he can find pride in his duties. ]
[ Cullen walks beside her, ensuring the door is closed behind them so they might have their privacy to discuss the upcoming ball. ]
Of course not. Especially those who rely on red lyrium. You can see those brutes from a mile away... But I wouldn't count on Corypheus being so hasty. Surely, he has some--
[ He stops, just as he's prepared the map for them, pawns at ready to be placed where necessary in time for their nightly meeting. Cullen looks where Neria points out a certain gathering of food and wine. ]
[ His eyes squint in that direction, immediately knowing who it is likely from. ]
I wasn't.
[ Cullen paces towards the side table, reaching quickly for the bottle where, sure enough, a note dangles from the top. Just as they have always been, they are vague. Bearing a certain Inquisitor's signature. He'd managed to hide the few baskets that had been left at his door back in Skyhold. Just before Neria had been sent to his office for a "briefing" he would have to make up on the fly to keep up appearances. This is inappropriate, and now is hardly the time for such nonsense. But Kaia has managed to fly under his radar, and apparently with the help of scouts and messengers this time. ]
I'm not sure how many more times I need to tell her, I don't require help.
[ Cullen sighs, and he flips over the note to show her. ]
Our Inquisitor. She has been most... Persistent as of late.
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Persistent of what? For you to take a break? I've been telling you that for weeks.
[ But, you know, pot, kettle. It isn't as if she has any room to talk. Commanding the Warden troops beneath the Inquisition's banner has been more than a full time job. Their numbers are smaller than she wished and too many preventative measures needed to be put into place before she could deem them ready to go up against Corypheus' troops. No more chances. Next time, none of them will come back alive.
It's not unlike the Circle, each mage paired with two others to ensure their safety, and every Warden being spotted by yet another Inquisition soldier when possible. Once she's certain they cannot cause any more harm and are not susceptible to Corypheus, she'll be more willing to give them the freedom they need to operate.
In truth, it would have been so much more difficult without Cullen. But he has understood the need for protection and has supported her both with his presence and with the information and backing he has provided. And she cannot be more appreciative of him or the Inquisition for this chance. Slowly, she's come back to herself, smiling more, feeling useful. It's a feeling she thought she'd never have again after being in self-exile for so long.
She shakes her head, handing the note back. ]
What is she hoping for, exactly, from you?
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[ Cullen should find relief that she hasn't caught on, because even if it had taken him a while to do as much, it became very clear when they began suggesting it unwise for him to attend this ball alone. Because they were all so certain he would be the only one subject to unwanted attention. Why him? Why is it always him? If they aren't prodding at him for his hair, they're doing so about his status and supposed "celibacy". When he realized they often did it in front of Neria, it became quite obvious what their intentions were. ]
I can only assume she is trying to play matchmaker. I've been subject to unnecessary prying since our settling in Skyhold.
[ With his free arm, he gestures at the table. ]
It is far worse now. But... Nevermind that. We have much work to do before our departure tomorrow. Just ignore it.
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Partially trying to keep you from being swamped with suitors at the ball, yes, but that's really no reason--
[ Neria isn't blind enough to pretend that there haven't been insinuations. But it has been ten years and their respective positions, not to mention her secrets, are enough of a barrier that she assumes they couldn't possibly...
Well. She sets the glasses down and pours out wine for the both of them. ]
It would be easier for them to simply approach you directly, rather than all of the posturing. Regardless, we're going to need to leave for the Winter Palace shortly after we return to Skyhold. Whatever we have to plan, it needs to be now, so we have something to present to the Inquisitor on our arrival.
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[ Even with the time that has passed, the weeks they have worked together so closely have at least given Neria enough knowledge of him, it seems. She doesn't press the matter, and it puts his mind at ease. ]
Believe me, they have been direct.
[ And that is all he will say on the matter. Cullen takes a glass and a seat, scooting the chair forward so the map is within reach. ]
We will want to start by establishing where to place our troops. There will be a need for discretion, where I am certain Leliana can guide a delicate hand to ensure they are not found until necessary.
I would suggest they hide out around here.
[ He reaches over, tapping at an area not too far from the palace, shrouded by forest. ]
It is far enough they will remain hidden, but close enough to hear or see a signal.
[ Cullen takes a sip of his wine, a rather large one even. It's been a long day. ]
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[ Neria looks on at the map with a shrewd gaze, even as she grabs a few small pieces of food to munch on. The Winter Palace has a strong enough presence and fortifications to make any sort of rescue assault a nightmare if their enemy has already slipped inside the walls. While she doubts Corypheus himself will attend, whomever he has poised to strike must be more subtle. If they make a move, getting reinforcements in to stop them will take too long. ]
We're going to need some of Leliana's spies inside, and they should probably start moving in now as servants or servers, or whatever they need to be. If something happens to the Empress, it will take too long for our forces to respond.
[ She plucks her wine glass up and takes a long drink from it, seating herself comfortably in the opposite chair. ]
I have to wonder how Corypheus hopes to kill the Empress at such a large gathering. There can easily be holes in their security but... Whomever they have will have to have been working with Celene for some time in order to win the favor of coming to the ball.
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Knowing Leliana, she's already made proper arrangements. But I will make sure to ask her about it as soon as we've arrived home.
[ He takes a bite of his bread, mindful of finishing before he speaks again. ]
You pose a good point. With how susceptible the Wardens have been to the Calling, it would be wise to keep how many we use at minimum. My men will be sure to watch for any present dangers among those partnered with them.
[ And that's where he stops, keeping in mind the discussions of Corypheus present. But he looks to Neria, concerned. ]
You hear it as well, don't you? You're a valuable asset to the Inquisition, but I wouldn't want to place you in a compromising position either.
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WRONG JOURNAL, WOOPS
LMAO I WAS SO CONFUSED
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