[ Though Cullen's memories of the past are far from pleasant, Neria is a shining beacon among the many regrets and disasters he had seen. While her reply seems far too flattering to him and enough for him to vehemently deny, he takes it with a smile and a light chuckle. He can find nostalgia in this, remembering conversations they had had in the past that he isn't necessarily proud of but can look back upon with some fondness. ]
You flatter me.
[ He still says it, and there may be a slight tint of pink over his nose at the prospect of acknowledging her compliments. Cullen doesn't let go of her, but he allows his hands to take hers which touch his face, holding them loosely at least while the moment is still strong with feeling. ]
While there are friends here I have known for some time, I'm afraid none have impacted me the way you did. There is much comfort in seeing such a fond and familiar face amidst all of this chaos. To see you healthy and in one piece is more than a gift.
[ At the mention of his "post", however, he makes a face. It bears only a brief sense of disappointment. ]
While I am inclined indulge you on the details, I am certain you are far too tired for the entire story.
I've left The Order, thus dropping my place as a Templar. Cassandra sought my assistance as Commander to the Inquisition's troops. What little we had at the time, at least.
After what I saw in Kinloch and in Kirkwall... It became very clear that my views on the Chantry were misguided and wrong.
[ He doesn't quite look at her when he tells her. Especially when she's well aware of what happened to him in the Circle Tower. There is no need. ]
[ She shakes her head, giving him a small smile that, perhaps, betrays a bit of humor. ]
It isn't flattery if it's true.
[ And is the most polite thing she can say without going into details neither of them are in any position to discuss it further. Instead, she turns to grip his hands tightly, dropping them from his face so they can hang between them. She says nothing for some time, allowing him to talk. In the end, she only squeezes his hands tightly in an effort to comfort him, to show him he isn't alone. But even she has to sigh. ]
You aren't the only one who's felt...led astray.
[ Not simply the Chantry but the Wardens. She held her fellow soldiers in high esteem, but the things Clarel had done, even misguided, had been wrong. The things she has seen in reports and in letters from the First Warden have been far from acceptable. But those things, too, are for another time. ]
But you're here now. You're leading the largest army Thedas has known in recent history against a monster. You're saving the world.
[ And she hopes he realizes the full extent of what that means for him and for everyone around them. ]
[ Cullen tilts his head at the furthering of her compliment, if only as his small attempt at argument. But nevertheless, he takes it for what it is. Despite being rather horrible at taking them. He could say a few things about how she's grown, but he doesn't want to appear, well... Deviant. Or lewd. Or anything that could possibly allude to the attraction he held for her once upon a time. He's still rather embarrassed about that. ]
[ Yet here they are, holding hands and sharing an affection Cullen has likely never provided to anyone else. He's married to his work, a busy man and hardly in a position to seek a relationship. Even if he wants one. But that doesn't stop him from accepting her gestures and finding comfort in them. It's a reminder of her existence and how real it is. Cullen almost clings to the relief he feels when he can feel her pulse each time her hands squeeze his. ]
[ He smiles a bit brighter at her mention of him saving the world, how he leads the largest army in Thedas. That is certainly why he is here and why he became a Templar in the first place. ]
And so are you.
[ Cullen can't help but remind her, even with her only being here a short time. He tugs lightly on her hands at that remark. ]
What we were holds no strength against what we are now. Neria, I would be honored to fight beside you again. You were brave to come here.
We have the Herald of Andraste with the Hero of Ferelden at her side. Corypheus stands no chance against us. You've no idea how much your joining means not just to me, but to the rest of Thedas.
[ And so are you. She almost wants to sigh at how optimistic and hopeful he sounds. He doesn't understand. ]
Yes, the very dead Hero of Ferelden. Thedas isn't going to rejoice at my sudden appearance. If anything, there's going to be a great deal for me - and the Inquisition, by extension - to answer for.
[ I did this to you all, she reminds herself, for better or worse. She will be able to lead the Warden armies and be a competent ally to the Inquisition, that much is true. She has information that can aid them. But that by no means will allow them to slip under the ripples her appearance is going to cause. ]
You must understand that Ferelden will be asking questions. King Alistair will probably contact the Inquisitor. Weisshaupt will have their own troubles, if they even bother to make contact after the disaster they've allowed.
[ And, frankly, she has half of a mind to call on them first. ]
And that's not including anyone else who's believed me dead. Those nobles will spin some story about how this was a fabricated ruse to give your Inquisitor an even more glowing reputation.
I wasn't brave to come here, Cullen. I was guilty and desperate. I didn't ride in with a miracle strapped to the back of my horse.
[ Cullen frowns at how the conversation turns, though he isn't surprised. Neria is very right in her saying she has quite a bit to answer for. The Inquisition will have just as much to answer for after having accepted her help without question. Even Cullen is rather surprised that Kaia allowed her to stay without so much as a set of questions beyond "Are you who you say you are". Perhaps it was in the way Cullen had addressed her that Kaia found trust in the woman, though such a path taken is not without the potential of unstable ground. ]
[ It is clear that things will not be easy, that they have much to discuss and cater to along with the rest of the mess they have before them. While Cullen is thankful merely for Neria's presence, she has a point. The frown falters, left behind for his normal, serious expression that has gotten him so much teasing among his peers. But it is necessary. ]
Whatever consequences follow your alliance and loyalty to the Inquisition, ten years passed or not, we will accept them. The Inquisitor has a good sense of judgment, and we all trust she has a plan worth awaiting results for.
[ With a sigh, he looks down, shaking his head. ]
I've no patience for the dealings of nobles and the rumors they spin. If that is what they will see fit to spread among the lands, Josephine is properly equipped to deal with such matters.
I understand your concerns, but try and consider your joining the Inquisition as your second chance. As I have.
[ There's a moment that he lingers, thumbs brushing over her knuckles before he finally lets go of her hands. Cullen makes way to his desk, shuffling through papers that scatter the surface of it. ]
I will see to it that you are provided your own room. You should allow yourself some time to clean up, visit our healers to ensure the journey has not given you sickness or injury. I'm sure you are hungry.
[ Even amidst all of his worry and shock, there is still much to do. Cullen pauses a moment when he looks back at her. An expression of sympathy back to take over what had once been serious. ]
This... Is also my quarters. Should you require anything from me, you know where to find me. We will begin our duties in the morning and delegate as needed.
[ Her second chance. She opens her mouth to argue and then opts to be silent, looking away. Neria lets out a heavy and defeated sigh, letting the conversation drop. They will spin in circles all afternoon and evening, she thinks, and...he is right. She is tired and it would be nice to attempt to rest. She wishes to see Leliana and to update her, make sure her friend's cover isn't blown as well. It was a convincing little dance she put on, pretending not to know Neria would be coming or that she still lived. She only hopes no one has begun to suspect.
Neria finds she misses the warmth of his hands already as he pulls away, but they have work to do and very little time with which to do it. She closes her hands in on themselves and lets them drop to her sides, and she gives Cullen a nod of acknowledgement and appreciation. ]
Whatever can be spared. I'm used to more dire and solitary living accommodations.
[ And she lifts a hand before he can ask, shaking her head. ]
Which I'll speak of another time. For now, let's-- Let's just do what we need to. I suspect the Inquisitor will want her answers soon enough.
[ There's no need to rush the disappointment that will follow her interrogation, whether it's by Kaia herself, the ambassador, or even Leliana. She has to prepare herself for the resulting fallout she expects even now.
Neria lifts her head to examine the room, only now spotting the ladder leading upwards. She mouths silently, this is your room? because it's such a ridiculous thing to ask, but she slowly, reluctantly, nods once more. There will be time enough for questions. For now, she lets it rest.
The next few hours she spends relatively alone in her room, eating dinner, preparing herself, and unpacking some of her belongings. Leliana comes to see her only in the dead of night and with no one the wiser to greet her and give her what updates she can, as well as quietly chiding her for making such a scene without informing her first. They are much alike and always have been, always looking for ways to control the situation. It can't be helped, and even if she is glad to see Leliana and cannot contain much of her relief and delight, it is a bittersweet reunion, not unlike the one she had earlier with Cullen. Her presence hasn't made things easier for the moment...but it will get better, Leliana promises. No more lies, no more games.
She wishes she could believe that.
But the evening passes as any other would, and she finds no sleep in her new quarters. Nightmares continue to haunt her and she can no longer tell if they are the ministrations of Corypheus or the Taint itself, and in truth, she has stopped trying to discern anything from them. For some time, she lays in bed, frustrated and fatigued, unable to sleep. And she begins to debate dangerous thoughts from time to time, whether she should explore or go to speak to the other Wardens, or if she should take Cullen up on his offer.
Hours pass before she makes a decision. Eventually, she does find her way to Cullen's office, knocking softly on the door. She's made her peace with it and reasons that if he doesn't answer, then he is sleeping, and she can go back to her room with no harm done. ]
[ The entirety of the day seems to drag slower than usual, where Cullen finds himself almost having too much time rather than the usual too little. But even in the abundance of time he has found himself, little has been done. He manages as much as he had promised: a room with clean clothing and linens, a meal prepared and a healer to visit her once she is settled. Anything else beyond that is barely touched, and when he tries he finds himself distracted by thoughts of her. Of the young charge he had ten years ago. ]
[ Cullen hasn't necessarily met his past with peace. There are still many regrets that haunt him in the night, the nightmares of battles he had been in that still plague him and may never cease. But in the passing time, he had found at least a way to deal with them. Now? It seems harder. With the pure symbol of the worst of his deeds standing before him, remembering him better than anyone else here... Will it help? Or will it make things worse. He couldn't say. But what he is certain of is that he is grateful she is alive and well, and just as grateful to work beside her again. ]
[ Even with his inability to get any work done, he still tries, still sits at his desk staring at the dozens of papers scattered before him. The words make little sense at this hour, and the words blur together where he is rendered illiterate and it gives him a headache. Sometimes they fizzle into a language that makes no sense, or appear as puddles of ink on the paper. Other times they all form into her name or shape themselves into a drawing of the Harrowing Chamber door he was imprisoned before. Cullen is left with his face in his hand, elbow at the table keeping him from faceplanting into it. ]
[ It's then that he hears a soft knocking at his door, and Cullen straightens himself. For a moment, he stares at it, not quite registering that someone is there but then finding stress in who it might be when he does. ]
[ There's a long enough pause that she doesn't think he is awake any longer, and Neria debates whether she should go. But then she hears him calling again and she pauses, hesitating again. She's been full of these moments today and she lets out a shaky exhale before she opens the door to step inside.
This is...ridiculous. She should leave him be. But he offered and, in truth, she feels she owes him for all he's done to comfort her now. As the seconds tick by, she feels even more uncertain, and she wants to be clear with him, if only him. At least Cullen has attempted to understand in some small measure.
Neria stands at the door, barely inside of his office, and she exhales. She gives Cullen a very small smile. ]
[ Of course it's her. Who else would it be? Even his recruits don't come to see him this late at night because they are either in the tavern or sleeping. Cullen usually expects to get the bulk of his work done at this hour, and he should be, but there is too much on his mind keeping him from it. The woman standing at the entrance to his room, in particular. ]
[ Still, he's happy to see her. To know that she is still truly here, and Cullen stands to greet her. Maybe too quickly, and his hip bumps the desk when he rises. He regrets not being in armor at that point, because he certainly strikes a nerve in the impact. While he doesn't completely show it, it's obvious he's hurt something. ]
[ But he tries to distract himself, clearing his throat. ]
I--
This is usually the hour I make the most progress in my work. Far less distractions, and I...
[ Can never seem to get any sleep. He wants to say it, but he refrains. ]
I usually have no visitors at this time.
[ With one hand at the hip he struck and the other lifted, he gestures with it for her to come inside. ]
Please, come in. Are you finding difficulty getting comfortable?
[ Neria winces sympathetically when he strikes himself, giving him a wan smile even as she shakes her head. She lifts her hand on instinct-- And then stops, letting it drop. She can't use magic here, not on him, not for any reason. Somewhat awkwardly, she steps further into the room, making certain that the door shuts behind her. ]
You mean you stay up and do work. Work that's...probably not necessary to do at this hour.
[ Pot, kettle. She can't criticize. Neria rubs lightly at the inside of her arm. ]
It's not about being comfortable-- The accommodations are very nice. I've simply...never been much of a sleeper. Not for a long time.
[ And besides being in a new place, potentially dangerous in every way, isn't of much help. But the bed is comfortable, the room warm, and she's eaten. It isn't as if she hasn't been provided for in any way. ]
[ Right on the bone, so it certainly hurts a number. But Cullen makes face and tries to maintain as if nothing has happened. He sets down a handful of papers he had been going through, along with a pen, and neatly pushes it aside as he comes around the corner of the desk to meet her. ]
You would not be the first to say so.
[ Even the Inquisitor gives him a hard time for working too long. Many have told him he needs a hobby, or to set aside time in the day for himself. Even Josephine takes time away from her duties. But he sees no need for that, and he never has. There is comfort in Neria not badgering him, but he certainly thinks of what others believe. ]
And that makes two of us.
[ About sleep. Cullen isn't sure the last time he's slept longer than three or four hours. ]
I've found that sleep is a bit difficult to come by as per recent events. There is much to do, and I find comfort in continuously keeping things going. Productivity is important during such trying times.
[ But he can't help but be a hypocrite right now, and he looks to Neria in worry as he closes some distance between them. ]
It is late. And you've been on the road for some time. You should try to get some rest.
[ Cullen frowns a touch, and his gaze shifts to the ladder leading to the second floor. ]
If... You would like, I'm sure we have much to catch up on. Perhaps we can talk.
[ And he means nothing crude when he gestures to the ladder. It's... Simply the only place he has where they can sit. And there's a lovely view of the night sky from the large opening in the ceiling. Cullen is prepared to defend himself with that much. ]
I can't fault you for it. When I'm working on something, I work on it whenever I have the time, no matter the hour.
[ But that isn't encouragement of any kind, and she's glad he seems to understand that what he's doing isn't the best habit to have. She can't imagine what the Inquisition has gone through. Leliana has told her some, and she has ears within the Wardens too. What she's heard has been horrific, and she's well aware of Haven's destruction by now.
Corypheus is a monster, far more than the Architect or the Mother ever were. He won't stop until the world has been destroyed. This goes far beyond an Archdemon.
She only gives him a shake of her head. ]
I've tried. I don't sleep much as it is, Cullen. It's fine.
[ It only means she might have a few more hours tomorrow night. Neria lifts her gaze up to the ladder and she gives him a brief look of uncertainty. At last, she nods. ]
[ He reaches behind his neck, rubbing at it as he gestures for her to climb first. Cullen holds no devious intent, and he certainly hopes she doesn't think so. He just knows from experience that sitting down and gazing at the stars certainly helps lull one to sleep, or bring comfort. ]
[ Once she is up, he will follow. In all honesty, he had planned on attempting to get some sleep but couldn't be certain he would get to it. He had attempted earlier only to be met with no success. Even without the matters of Neria having appeared out of essentially nowhere, he could never get much rest these days. ]
[ There's a moment where he lets out an awkward chuckle, and he smiles. ]
It, ah... Isn't much. Up here. I'm afraid I do not spend as much time up here as I should.
[ He takes a seat at the foot of his bed, arms resting at his knees when he leans forward. Cullen looks at Neria, a look of concern still on his features. ]
Admittedly, I don't even know where to start. It's been so long.
[ The room she finds is tidy and orderly...with the exception of the gaping hole in the ceiling and the pieces of wooden debris still on one side of the room. She doesn't remember when she began receiving word of their new location in Skyhold, but surely enough time has passed to allow him to have some renovations completed? She gives him a briefly sympathetic look, because the air is cool up here, even if the view is remarkably stunning.
Neria looks up, starstruck, and then gives him a smile. ]
You must have the most beautiful view in all of Skyhold.
[ Her own room is close to the parapets on the one side of the fortress, and if she trusted her footing, she could climb to the top and look out. But it isn't as closed in or intimate as this, allowing for privacy as well as beauty. Frankly, she's jealous.
She goes to sit near him, as there is nowhere else to, and she doesn't want to seem inconsiderate of his offer.
Neria sighs, settling her hands in her lap. ]
You said something about Kirkwall. Is that where you went after Kinloch Hold?
[ She frowns. ]
You don't have to give details if you don't want to.
[ Cullen manages a laugh at that, smile still in place because he's certain she has seen the gathering of wood and debris still tucked in a corner. ]
Josephine was rather insistent that I allow renovations to continue here. But I chose this room because of the opening, actually.
[ For the time being, he looks through it, finding his gaze locked to the skies above. The stars are out in full force tonight, not a single cloud in the sky. Truthfully, it's in that fresh air that comes through the hole in the ceiling that he doesn't feel closed in, suffocated. Such small windows remind him of the below decks of the many ships he has had to reside in. Small, closed off, stale air that is hard to breathe. The cold air that graces his lungs makes him feel as if he is out in the open, yet he is safe within these walls. Cullen doesn't share that information, however, finding shame in having a fear of small spaces. ]
[ Kirkwall isn't necessarily a better change of subject, but he'll take it. ]
No, it's quite alright. I can.
[ Cullen doesn't look directly at Neria, not right away, and he straightens his posture a moment. ]
I was transferred to Kirwall after... Well, the events in the Circle Tower. I will admit, I was not my best after that. You certainly witnessed first-hand what happened to me, and it's not something you recover from over night.
They sent me there believing it would do me well, that I could rise in the ranks. Which I did, and I served under Knight-Commander Meredith as the Knight-Captain.
[ He frowns. ]
I'm certain you heard of the rebellion at Kirkwall, of the Knight-Commander who saw to imprison the Champion, Hawke...
While she saw much in me, had faith in me, I believe it was merely in our shared... Discontent with mages. I'll admit, I harbored a further negative opinion on them after what occurred before the Harrowing Chamber that night. Meredith saw the same, perhaps more.
Mages and their sympathizers were accused and threatened. By her. She had lost her mind, allowed herself to be taken by the powers of red lyrium.
It was in that rebellion that I saw further bloodshed, innocents dying in the streets where Meredith saw fit to accuse even more of the Champion. I sided with him and opposed her, because even in my own discontent and mistrust, I still believed all were innocent until proven guilty.
[ With a sigh, he shakes his head. ]
That... Is the shortened version. I'm afraid going any further would take far longer than one night.
I... Want you to know.
I wish you could have seen how I had changed, how things became so different after Kirkwall. I am not innocent, but my view of mages has changed in the many years between us.
I want to apologize. For begging you to kill all of those people, for the hurtful things I said. I only wish I had learned before Kirkwall, before I bore witness to so many innocent mages and regular people die for no reason.
[ She doesn't expect him to tell her what has happened. That he does speaks highly of him and Neria listens, refusing to interrupt. This is Cullen's tale to tell, one that is more horrible than she imagined. He does not go into the finer details, nor does she feel it's necessary. She hadn't needed to see the way the demons had torn into his mind, either, to know what could have happened.
The Circles have been upset since the destruction of Kirkwall's Chantry. She'd heard stories and rumors of what had occurred: the Knight-Commander now fossilized in red lyrium, a dead and malformed First Enchanter, bloodshed in the streets, and a single mage having blown the Chantry sky-high.
Her mage, one of her Wardens. Her stomach bottoms out at the thought, but Cullen never confirms his name nor his involvement, and so she keeps silent.
Instead, she reaches for his hand in silence, covering it. This time, he isn't wearing gloves, and she simply holds him there to comfort him as he speaks. At last, Neria lifts her head to look over at him. ]
When you asked me to... I didn't want to. I was being selfish. Irving had been-- He took care of me, taught me everything. I hoped he would be all right. But if something had happened, if he had lost his mind... I would have killed him. I would have done what was necessary.
[ It hadn't been so clear-cut. She had been naive to assume she was taking some moral high ground by refusing what he asked. She squeezes his hand. ]
I wasn't angry with you, Cullen, for what you said. I was only-- It made me sad.
[ That he was hurting. That whatever future they might have had as friends was snuffed out like a candle. She'd wondered if they could have done something about the Circle together, as one of the few mages and Templars who spoke and worked together without fear. Becoming a Warden had changed all of that, to be certain, but she had held out some foolish hope. How could she ever expect him to think highly of mages after what they did to him? ]
I hope... No, I hoped you would change your mind one day. That you would heal from what happened. What they did was awful and inexcusable. I have no words for it. [ Her gaze meets his. ] We can do terrible things with our power but we're scared, too. All of us. We're scared and many of us are hurting.
You don't owe me an apology. I simply want you to be all right. I hope you've been able to heal.
[ Cullen never quite goes through the day without thinking about what he was subjected to, of his entire career as a Templar that has only been painted with blood and lies. But it has always been a series of thoughts he has been able to put in the back of his mind, to distract himself with his duties as Commander. Now? It's all in front of him, set before him where it's tangible, and the biggest reminder holds his hand so tightly. But Cullen finds comfort in that, his gaze falling on the vision of her strong, yet delicate hand over his in a stark contrast. There's peace in the memory he will have of his hand turning over, allowing their fingers to tangle and intertwine in a gesture he's never shared with anyone else. Honestly, he wouldn't want to share it with anyone else. ]
[ Cullen feels his heart swell, and there is a pain that follows when she tells him an apology isn't necessary. She's wrong. She is so certainly wrong, and she should despise him. Shouldn't she? She's a Mage, a woman he once had no right to have such intimate thoughts about, and he said and did so many things. Not just to her, but to others. Even if he were merely following orders, it doesn't excuse it... ]
[ He remembers what his mind had been subjected to... They started so tenderly, so happy. Where he had found a peaceful life with the woman who now holds his hand... But the peace only lasted a brief moment, shattered at the reminder of how it was fraternization, of how a Templar could never find love with a Mage. Could never find happiness. His family, his life... Destroyed. Mauled. Torn into pieces in front of him, hours of watching his fictional children possessed by demons, forced to destroy themselves. Sometimes it would change, change to them being destroyed by demons first... Their bodies used as a shell later. ]
[ Cullen shakes his head, squeezing her hand. He gets lost in that, and it's the first time he has since he had quit taking lyrium. For a moment, Cullen is silent, eyes closed while he struggles to bring himself back to the reality that is her. He finds it when she adjusts herself, when her hand only so delicately moves against his and their flesh brushes against one another. A squeeze... There it is, her pulse. Soft with this particular pressure, but there. ]
For so many years, I thought I would never have such a chance.
[ His throat hurts, only in a way that he can think he was on the verge of tears there in his thoughts. But when Cullen is confident that he has stolen himself again, he takes a calming exhale. ]
My strongest regret was never being able to show you, to tell you how wrong I realized I was.
[ Through glassy eyes, he meets her gaze. ]
You may not feel I owe such an apology, but I will show you how different things are. How I am.
[ It doubles her guilt to know that he had missed her and that her thoughts had not turned to him so often. When he had lashed out at her all those years ago, she thought that would be it. Cutting ties in the wake of her 'death', at the time, had seemed so easy; she had lost her family, her friends were moving on, she could never go home, and the world was safer for it. But now she sees how it made others hurt, and she wonders if Alistair and Leliana had ever felt this way and never spoken of it, or if they'd had the luxury of never needing to worry?
She does not know. But her heart aches for him, twists as she hears his voice crack. Their hands join and she feels...contented in some way, but torn just the same. She has hurt him, even unintentionally, but she can still take comfort in being close again.
She remembers the way he embraced her earlier, how she felt she had needed it after being bereft of company for so long. He offered a balm for her guilt and she took it. Maker, she feels awful, like she has used him. Her hand tightens over his and she closes her eyes. Her voice wavers when she speaks again, strained as it is, but there is a quiet conviction there beneath the surface. ]
We have the time now. You can show me.
[ She wants to see, not because she doubts him - and she does not doubt him, not with the people he works with - but because it is important to him...and because it is important to her, too, to see and to share in something this crucial to who he is now.
Neria looks away from him but never lets go of his hand. ]
I... I didn't disappear to hurt you. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone when I 'died'. There were so many things involved in... In Denerim. With Alist-- With the king. It was all a mess. I didn't think it would matter if I vanished.
[ Because the people who did matter, in her mind, knew the truth. But how can she say that to him? ]
I had lost everything already. I thought it would be easier to find some way to move on.
[ In the end, Neria has never moved on from that day. She turns to look at him. ]
I am sorry. I didn't think it would hurt you or-- I didn't think people would hurt. None of us expected to live, you must understand. We were desperate. I was desperate. I would have done anything to ensure Ferelden was safe, that the others lived.
[ Cullen is grateful to know he's allowed time to show how much he has changed. And he promises himself that he will do so, and quickly. It is a blessing that Neria is here, that she is alive and well, and that they have the opportunity to forge a friendship and bond he believes the Maker wants. There is a reason she is here, beyond her joining the Inquisition and leading the Grey Wardens. He will believe it is another cog in the machine their god has built for them to maintain. ]
[ While there is some hurt in her having disappeared, where his worries and sadness had been almost misguided, there is understanding. He can't imagine what kind of position this had put her in, how she must feel. ]
You had no way of knowing...
[ He can't bring himself to be angry. Not in the slightest. Cullen adjusts himself in his seat, scooting closer to her without really intending to. But her warmth is welcoming. ]
I have been in enough desperate situations to understand that some decisions may not be as desirable as others. I told you, Neria, I hold no anger towards you. I am only glad that you are here and safe.
[ There's a frown that he can't quite rid himself of, even when he looks Neria in the eye. ]
You can rebuild your life here. The Inquisition has welcomed you with open arms... We need you.
[ I need you. ]
You will find no further judgment from me, Neria. I swear it. I will not ask what drove you to such a decision. I understand you had your reasons, and far be it for me to believe otherwise.
[ No, she had no way of knowing. Some part of her never believed Morrigan's ritual would succeed. In the end, she had asked for Alistair to remain at the gate because she knew if she died before the Archdemon was slain, it would be down to him. She had never meant for him to believe she was shafting the glory from his shoulders onto hers. Her death, too, was supposed to allow him to have a family of his own, to be loved and adored by people who believed him to be the king who survived all impossible odds.
She did it because she loved Alistair, because he was her family. Because she loved them all too much to lose them. And in ten years, she has received only so many letters from him, from any of them. She has lost so much because of a poor decision she had made, and now the years have gone by while she's hardly lived. ]
I have had people lie for me for ten years. I've put up a...a charade for ten years and you aren't angry?
[ Neria looks at him with disbelief and pain and she tries so desperately not to let it show. This isn't about her; this is about the people she's lied to and cheated out of closure and answers for a decade. ]
And when we fix this? If we somehow manage to save the world, what then? The Order has already been disgraced for what they have done. The prodigal hero has come back to let everyone know she isn't really a hero, she's a liar and a cheat who is afraid of consequences. Cullen, I'm not-- I'm not the person you think I am.
[ You had your reasons. You can rebuild your life here. Why does all of it sound too good to be true? Her hand tightens over his and despite how much it hurts, she doesn't let go. ]
No one should be welcoming me and no one would if the world wasn't ending.
And what would anger do? Would that change things?
[ Cullen's reply comes quickly, delivered with a furrowed brow where he might appear to be angry. And deep down? Yes, there is some sort of disappointment and anger there, but to allow it to show would only compromise where they are. He is a Commander, what decisions he makes support the Inquisition. To be angry at Neria would hardly bear any success for any of them. How could he possibly turn her away? ]
Of course, I would be a liar if I said I were completely elated. I went on for ten years regretting a mistake I had made before you, wondering what might have been but it is in that loss that I changed.
[ His hands tighten around hers all the same, a heat forging between them as tensions grow. ]
But what will lashing out do? Obviously, that was not given to you by the Inquisitor no matter how much you protest.
What do you want? Do you desire for me to scream at you? To berate you when I feel more relief than anger?
[ The response is punctuated with an upwelling of mana that would normally signal a spell...but that's it. Nothing happens. And just that quickly, Neria deflates, ashamed as she turns away. ]
No. I mean... I don't know. What I want is unimportant now.
[ To go back and do it all again, to refuse the ritual and let herself go, or to make up her mind and be honest... Either way, she wants to accept her consequences. The lie had been easy at first until people began looking for the Warden-Commander and when she knew it would all come tumbling down. They weren't looking for a fighter or a commander; these people were looking for a miracle that she didn't have. How could she tell them the truth then, and to then explain that it was all due to blood magic? She would compromise not only herself but Morrigan and Alistair both, something she refuses to do.
Neria lets out a tight, uncomfortable sigh. ]
I want...to make amends. I want to fix what I have done. But this means opening old wounds and healing them again, healing them properly and not with lies. There are some things that shouldn't be reopened, shouldn't be discussed. I can't ask people to feel pain again for me simply so I can feel better about myself.
[ Now, she looks up at him, and the smile on her face is not kind. It is riddled with self-deprecation. ]
How selfish can I be by asking people to do that? I'd almost prefer a true decree of exile, in that case.
I have to be better. I have to do something better with myself, or everything I've done will have been pointless. That's what I was trying to do before...before Adamant. Before we ruined everything.
[ Cullen becomes stiff when she raises her voice, when he can see something in her ignite. But it is gone as quickly as it comes, and Cullen is left merely wearing his normally serious gaze. What she's done, this supposed secret that he knows she is hiding... It's daunting, horrifying. And there is a part of him that is afraid to ask... ]
[ But Cullen maintains his resolve, and one hand reaches for her face while the other remains holding one of hers. A man who is well-aware of self-deprecation can see it clear in her face. And it hurts, because he knows very intimately what is going on in her head. ]
The fact of the matter is we are at war. I have seen enough men and women who have made horrible mistakes make their lives within our cause. I will not pretend to not care about what you may have done, and what I know you are probably hiding.
[ Cullen's fingers drift from her jawline to her cheek, where his hand cups it gently and keeps her gaze with his. ]
You will accept the consequences as they come, as we all have. But if you have not been thrown out by now, this is your place. Take a stand for what you have done, make changes, and help us.
It is up to you what you make of the door the Inquisition has opened for you, Neria.
[ You don't want to know what I've been hiding, she wants to say, but that is altogether unbecoming and cruel. She is bound to her mistake and too loyal to those involved to expose them. Alistair had always been an unwilling participant, that part is true, but to risk Morrigan's safety and her son's... She can't. Not until she knows they are safe.
And when the world is at war and Corypheus threatens to bring it all down upon their heads, she cannot tell a soul. Not yet. She can indulge in what she has done to secure her life, certainly, so long as no one can be harmed in the process. That has always been her standpoint, and desperation has made her mistakes all the more acute.
It has to end. And today, it does.
Neria lifts her gaze to his when he reaches for her cheek, and she feels a familiar burn behind her eyes that forces her to close them, lest she begin to openly weep in front of him. She takes a slow and steadying breath, her hand lifting to hold his against her cheek, to take selfish comfort in the warmth his hand offers her.
With a sigh, she opens her eyes again, looking at him once more. ]
I came here to help...and I will. I promise you that.
[ She won't let the opportunity go to waste. What will come later is anyone's guess. If they expel her or insist she leaves once the danger has passed, then so be it. For now, she is theirs, and she will not leave.
Neria presses a brief kiss to his hand, closing her eyes once more. ]
[ Cullen falls silent when the tensions finally come to a simmer rather than a boil, and his heart steadies at that. Whatever it is that she is holding, daunting as it may be, there is a reason. And unfortunately, neither of them have the luxury of being able to place everything on the table. The fact of the matter, right now, is that they need her. With the Wardens now being a part of their cause, they need guidance, and perhaps that is a guidance that Cullen can not provide in his position. ]
[ His thumb gently caresses her temple, an affectionate gesture that is reserved for only her. Once upon a time, such a gesture may have made him burn red and turn away. But that is not him anymore, especially with a woman he is so attached to the idea of reminding himself that she is truly here. She kisses his hand, and his heart skips a beat to it, his stomach flutters. Where he is aware that she is now his comrade, she is also his friend, and he takes the hand that he holds to his lips to gently return the gesture across her knuckles. ]
If we are to work beside one another, it is important we have each other's support. But I am your friend, and I want you to know that.
We will take this one day at a time. For now, you have my faith and trust.
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You flatter me.
[ He still says it, and there may be a slight tint of pink over his nose at the prospect of acknowledging her compliments. Cullen doesn't let go of her, but he allows his hands to take hers which touch his face, holding them loosely at least while the moment is still strong with feeling. ]
While there are friends here I have known for some time, I'm afraid none have impacted me the way you did. There is much comfort in seeing such a fond and familiar face amidst all of this chaos. To see you healthy and in one piece is more than a gift.
[ At the mention of his "post", however, he makes a face. It bears only a brief sense of disappointment. ]
While I am inclined indulge you on the details, I am certain you are far too tired for the entire story.
I've left The Order, thus dropping my place as a Templar. Cassandra sought my assistance as Commander to the Inquisition's troops. What little we had at the time, at least.
After what I saw in Kinloch and in Kirkwall... It became very clear that my views on the Chantry were misguided and wrong.
[ He doesn't quite look at her when he tells her. Especially when she's well aware of what happened to him in the Circle Tower. There is no need. ]
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It isn't flattery if it's true.
[ And is the most polite thing she can say without going into details neither of them are in any position to discuss it further. Instead, she turns to grip his hands tightly, dropping them from his face so they can hang between them. She says nothing for some time, allowing him to talk. In the end, she only squeezes his hands tightly in an effort to comfort him, to show him he isn't alone. But even she has to sigh. ]
You aren't the only one who's felt...led astray.
[ Not simply the Chantry but the Wardens. She held her fellow soldiers in high esteem, but the things Clarel had done, even misguided, had been wrong. The things she has seen in reports and in letters from the First Warden have been far from acceptable. But those things, too, are for another time. ]
But you're here now. You're leading the largest army Thedas has known in recent history against a monster. You're saving the world.
[ And she hopes he realizes the full extent of what that means for him and for everyone around them. ]
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[ Yet here they are, holding hands and sharing an affection Cullen has likely never provided to anyone else. He's married to his work, a busy man and hardly in a position to seek a relationship. Even if he wants one. But that doesn't stop him from accepting her gestures and finding comfort in them. It's a reminder of her existence and how real it is. Cullen almost clings to the relief he feels when he can feel her pulse each time her hands squeeze his. ]
[ He smiles a bit brighter at her mention of him saving the world, how he leads the largest army in Thedas. That is certainly why he is here and why he became a Templar in the first place. ]
And so are you.
[ Cullen can't help but remind her, even with her only being here a short time. He tugs lightly on her hands at that remark. ]
What we were holds no strength against what we are now. Neria, I would be honored to fight beside you again. You were brave to come here.
We have the Herald of Andraste with the Hero of Ferelden at her side. Corypheus stands no chance against us. You've no idea how much your joining means not just to me, but to the rest of Thedas.
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Yes, the very dead Hero of Ferelden. Thedas isn't going to rejoice at my sudden appearance. If anything, there's going to be a great deal for me - and the Inquisition, by extension - to answer for.
[ I did this to you all, she reminds herself, for better or worse. She will be able to lead the Warden armies and be a competent ally to the Inquisition, that much is true. She has information that can aid them. But that by no means will allow them to slip under the ripples her appearance is going to cause. ]
You must understand that Ferelden will be asking questions. King Alistair will probably contact the Inquisitor. Weisshaupt will have their own troubles, if they even bother to make contact after the disaster they've allowed.
[ And, frankly, she has half of a mind to call on them first. ]
And that's not including anyone else who's believed me dead. Those nobles will spin some story about how this was a fabricated ruse to give your Inquisitor an even more glowing reputation.
I wasn't brave to come here, Cullen. I was guilty and desperate. I didn't ride in with a miracle strapped to the back of my horse.
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[ It is clear that things will not be easy, that they have much to discuss and cater to along with the rest of the mess they have before them. While Cullen is thankful merely for Neria's presence, she has a point. The frown falters, left behind for his normal, serious expression that has gotten him so much teasing among his peers. But it is necessary. ]
Whatever consequences follow your alliance and loyalty to the Inquisition, ten years passed or not, we will accept them. The Inquisitor has a good sense of judgment, and we all trust she has a plan worth awaiting results for.
[ With a sigh, he looks down, shaking his head. ]
I've no patience for the dealings of nobles and the rumors they spin. If that is what they will see fit to spread among the lands, Josephine is properly equipped to deal with such matters.
I understand your concerns, but try and consider your joining the Inquisition as your second chance. As I have.
[ There's a moment that he lingers, thumbs brushing over her knuckles before he finally lets go of her hands. Cullen makes way to his desk, shuffling through papers that scatter the surface of it. ]
I will see to it that you are provided your own room. You should allow yourself some time to clean up, visit our healers to ensure the journey has not given you sickness or injury. I'm sure you are hungry.
[ Even amidst all of his worry and shock, there is still much to do. Cullen pauses a moment when he looks back at her. An expression of sympathy back to take over what had once been serious. ]
This... Is also my quarters. Should you require anything from me, you know where to find me. We will begin our duties in the morning and delegate as needed.
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Neria finds she misses the warmth of his hands already as he pulls away, but they have work to do and very little time with which to do it. She closes her hands in on themselves and lets them drop to her sides, and she gives Cullen a nod of acknowledgement and appreciation. ]
Whatever can be spared. I'm used to more dire and solitary living accommodations.
[ And she lifts a hand before he can ask, shaking her head. ]
Which I'll speak of another time. For now, let's-- Let's just do what we need to. I suspect the Inquisitor will want her answers soon enough.
[ There's no need to rush the disappointment that will follow her interrogation, whether it's by Kaia herself, the ambassador, or even Leliana. She has to prepare herself for the resulting fallout she expects even now.
Neria lifts her head to examine the room, only now spotting the ladder leading upwards. She mouths silently, this is your room? because it's such a ridiculous thing to ask, but she slowly, reluctantly, nods once more. There will be time enough for questions. For now, she lets it rest.
The next few hours she spends relatively alone in her room, eating dinner, preparing herself, and unpacking some of her belongings. Leliana comes to see her only in the dead of night and with no one the wiser to greet her and give her what updates she can, as well as quietly chiding her for making such a scene without informing her first. They are much alike and always have been, always looking for ways to control the situation. It can't be helped, and even if she is glad to see Leliana and cannot contain much of her relief and delight, it is a bittersweet reunion, not unlike the one she had earlier with Cullen. Her presence hasn't made things easier for the moment...but it will get better, Leliana promises. No more lies, no more games.
She wishes she could believe that.
But the evening passes as any other would, and she finds no sleep in her new quarters. Nightmares continue to haunt her and she can no longer tell if they are the ministrations of Corypheus or the Taint itself, and in truth, she has stopped trying to discern anything from them. For some time, she lays in bed, frustrated and fatigued, unable to sleep. And she begins to debate dangerous thoughts from time to time, whether she should explore or go to speak to the other Wardens, or if she should take Cullen up on his offer.
Hours pass before she makes a decision. Eventually, she does find her way to Cullen's office, knocking softly on the door. She's made her peace with it and reasons that if he doesn't answer, then he is sleeping, and she can go back to her room with no harm done. ]
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[ Cullen hasn't necessarily met his past with peace. There are still many regrets that haunt him in the night, the nightmares of battles he had been in that still plague him and may never cease. But in the passing time, he had found at least a way to deal with them. Now? It seems harder. With the pure symbol of the worst of his deeds standing before him, remembering him better than anyone else here... Will it help? Or will it make things worse. He couldn't say. But what he is certain of is that he is grateful she is alive and well, and just as grateful to work beside her again. ]
[ Even with his inability to get any work done, he still tries, still sits at his desk staring at the dozens of papers scattered before him. The words make little sense at this hour, and the words blur together where he is rendered illiterate and it gives him a headache. Sometimes they fizzle into a language that makes no sense, or appear as puddles of ink on the paper. Other times they all form into her name or shape themselves into a drawing of the Harrowing Chamber door he was imprisoned before. Cullen is left with his face in his hand, elbow at the table keeping him from faceplanting into it. ]
[ It's then that he hears a soft knocking at his door, and Cullen straightens himself. For a moment, he stares at it, not quite registering that someone is there but then finding stress in who it might be when he does. ]
Yes?
[ He eventually speaks for his guest to enter. ]
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This is...ridiculous. She should leave him be. But he offered and, in truth, she feels she owes him for all he's done to comfort her now. As the seconds tick by, she feels even more uncertain, and she wants to be clear with him, if only him. At least Cullen has attempted to understand in some small measure.
Neria stands at the door, barely inside of his office, and she exhales. She gives Cullen a very small smile. ]
You're still awake?
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[ Still, he's happy to see her. To know that she is still truly here, and Cullen stands to greet her. Maybe too quickly, and his hip bumps the desk when he rises. He regrets not being in armor at that point, because he certainly strikes a nerve in the impact. While he doesn't completely show it, it's obvious he's hurt something. ]
[ But he tries to distract himself, clearing his throat. ]
I--
This is usually the hour I make the most progress in my work. Far less distractions, and I...
[ Can never seem to get any sleep. He wants to say it, but he refrains. ]
I usually have no visitors at this time.
[ With one hand at the hip he struck and the other lifted, he gestures with it for her to come inside. ]
Please, come in. Are you finding difficulty getting comfortable?
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You mean you stay up and do work. Work that's...probably not necessary to do at this hour.
[ Pot, kettle. She can't criticize. Neria rubs lightly at the inside of her arm. ]
It's not about being comfortable-- The accommodations are very nice. I've simply...never been much of a sleeper. Not for a long time.
[ And besides being in a new place, potentially dangerous in every way, isn't of much help. But the bed is comfortable, the room warm, and she's eaten. It isn't as if she hasn't been provided for in any way. ]
I didn't think you'd still be awake. It's late.
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You would not be the first to say so.
[ Even the Inquisitor gives him a hard time for working too long. Many have told him he needs a hobby, or to set aside time in the day for himself. Even Josephine takes time away from her duties. But he sees no need for that, and he never has. There is comfort in Neria not badgering him, but he certainly thinks of what others believe. ]
And that makes two of us.
[ About sleep. Cullen isn't sure the last time he's slept longer than three or four hours. ]
I've found that sleep is a bit difficult to come by as per recent events. There is much to do, and I find comfort in continuously keeping things going. Productivity is important during such trying times.
[ But he can't help but be a hypocrite right now, and he looks to Neria in worry as he closes some distance between them. ]
It is late. And you've been on the road for some time. You should try to get some rest.
[ Cullen frowns a touch, and his gaze shifts to the ladder leading to the second floor. ]
If... You would like, I'm sure we have much to catch up on. Perhaps we can talk.
[ And he means nothing crude when he gestures to the ladder. It's... Simply the only place he has where they can sit. And there's a lovely view of the night sky from the large opening in the ceiling. Cullen is prepared to defend himself with that much. ]
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[ But that isn't encouragement of any kind, and she's glad he seems to understand that what he's doing isn't the best habit to have. She can't imagine what the Inquisition has gone through. Leliana has told her some, and she has ears within the Wardens too. What she's heard has been horrific, and she's well aware of Haven's destruction by now.
Corypheus is a monster, far more than the Architect or the Mother ever were. He won't stop until the world has been destroyed. This goes far beyond an Archdemon.
She only gives him a shake of her head. ]
I've tried. I don't sleep much as it is, Cullen. It's fine.
[ It only means she might have a few more hours tomorrow night. Neria lifts her gaze up to the ladder and she gives him a brief look of uncertainty. At last, she nods. ]
All right. I'd like that.
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[ Once she is up, he will follow. In all honesty, he had planned on attempting to get some sleep but couldn't be certain he would get to it. He had attempted earlier only to be met with no success. Even without the matters of Neria having appeared out of essentially nowhere, he could never get much rest these days. ]
[ There's a moment where he lets out an awkward chuckle, and he smiles. ]
It, ah... Isn't much. Up here. I'm afraid I do not spend as much time up here as I should.
[ He takes a seat at the foot of his bed, arms resting at his knees when he leans forward. Cullen looks at Neria, a look of concern still on his features. ]
Admittedly, I don't even know where to start. It's been so long.
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Neria looks up, starstruck, and then gives him a smile. ]
You must have the most beautiful view in all of Skyhold.
[ Her own room is close to the parapets on the one side of the fortress, and if she trusted her footing, she could climb to the top and look out. But it isn't as closed in or intimate as this, allowing for privacy as well as beauty. Frankly, she's jealous.
She goes to sit near him, as there is nowhere else to, and she doesn't want to seem inconsiderate of his offer.
Neria sighs, settling her hands in her lap. ]
You said something about Kirkwall. Is that where you went after Kinloch Hold?
[ She frowns. ]
You don't have to give details if you don't want to.
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Josephine was rather insistent that I allow renovations to continue here. But I chose this room because of the opening, actually.
[ For the time being, he looks through it, finding his gaze locked to the skies above. The stars are out in full force tonight, not a single cloud in the sky. Truthfully, it's in that fresh air that comes through the hole in the ceiling that he doesn't feel closed in, suffocated. Such small windows remind him of the below decks of the many ships he has had to reside in. Small, closed off, stale air that is hard to breathe. The cold air that graces his lungs makes him feel as if he is out in the open, yet he is safe within these walls. Cullen doesn't share that information, however, finding shame in having a fear of small spaces. ]
[ Kirkwall isn't necessarily a better change of subject, but he'll take it. ]
No, it's quite alright. I can.
[ Cullen doesn't look directly at Neria, not right away, and he straightens his posture a moment. ]
I was transferred to Kirwall after... Well, the events in the Circle Tower. I will admit, I was not my best after that. You certainly witnessed first-hand what happened to me, and it's not something you recover from over night.
They sent me there believing it would do me well, that I could rise in the ranks. Which I did, and I served under Knight-Commander Meredith as the Knight-Captain.
[ He frowns. ]
I'm certain you heard of the rebellion at Kirkwall, of the Knight-Commander who saw to imprison the Champion, Hawke...
While she saw much in me, had faith in me, I believe it was merely in our shared... Discontent with mages. I'll admit, I harbored a further negative opinion on them after what occurred before the Harrowing Chamber that night. Meredith saw the same, perhaps more.
Mages and their sympathizers were accused and threatened. By her. She had lost her mind, allowed herself to be taken by the powers of red lyrium.
It was in that rebellion that I saw further bloodshed, innocents dying in the streets where Meredith saw fit to accuse even more of the Champion. I sided with him and opposed her, because even in my own discontent and mistrust, I still believed all were innocent until proven guilty.
[ With a sigh, he shakes his head. ]
That... Is the shortened version. I'm afraid going any further would take far longer than one night.
I... Want you to know.
I wish you could have seen how I had changed, how things became so different after Kirkwall. I am not innocent, but my view of mages has changed in the many years between us.
I want to apologize. For begging you to kill all of those people, for the hurtful things I said. I only wish I had learned before Kirkwall, before I bore witness to so many innocent mages and regular people die for no reason.
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The Circles have been upset since the destruction of Kirkwall's Chantry. She'd heard stories and rumors of what had occurred: the Knight-Commander now fossilized in red lyrium, a dead and malformed First Enchanter, bloodshed in the streets, and a single mage having blown the Chantry sky-high.
Her mage, one of her Wardens. Her stomach bottoms out at the thought, but Cullen never confirms his name nor his involvement, and so she keeps silent.
Instead, she reaches for his hand in silence, covering it. This time, he isn't wearing gloves, and she simply holds him there to comfort him as he speaks. At last, Neria lifts her head to look over at him. ]
When you asked me to... I didn't want to. I was being selfish. Irving had been-- He took care of me, taught me everything. I hoped he would be all right. But if something had happened, if he had lost his mind... I would have killed him. I would have done what was necessary.
[ It hadn't been so clear-cut. She had been naive to assume she was taking some moral high ground by refusing what he asked. She squeezes his hand. ]
I wasn't angry with you, Cullen, for what you said. I was only-- It made me sad.
[ That he was hurting. That whatever future they might have had as friends was snuffed out like a candle. She'd wondered if they could have done something about the Circle together, as one of the few mages and Templars who spoke and worked together without fear. Becoming a Warden had changed all of that, to be certain, but she had held out some foolish hope. How could she ever expect him to think highly of mages after what they did to him? ]
I hope... No, I hoped you would change your mind one day. That you would heal from what happened. What they did was awful and inexcusable. I have no words for it. [ Her gaze meets his. ] We can do terrible things with our power but we're scared, too. All of us. We're scared and many of us are hurting.
You don't owe me an apology. I simply want you to be all right. I hope you've been able to heal.
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[ Cullen feels his heart swell, and there is a pain that follows when she tells him an apology isn't necessary. She's wrong. She is so certainly wrong, and she should despise him. Shouldn't she? She's a Mage, a woman he once had no right to have such intimate thoughts about, and he said and did so many things. Not just to her, but to others. Even if he were merely following orders, it doesn't excuse it... ]
[ He remembers what his mind had been subjected to... They started so tenderly, so happy. Where he had found a peaceful life with the woman who now holds his hand... But the peace only lasted a brief moment, shattered at the reminder of how it was fraternization, of how a Templar could never find love with a Mage. Could never find happiness. His family, his life... Destroyed. Mauled. Torn into pieces in front of him, hours of watching his fictional children possessed by demons, forced to destroy themselves. Sometimes it would change, change to them being destroyed by demons first... Their bodies used as a shell later. ]
[ Cullen shakes his head, squeezing her hand. He gets lost in that, and it's the first time he has since he had quit taking lyrium. For a moment, Cullen is silent, eyes closed while he struggles to bring himself back to the reality that is her. He finds it when she adjusts herself, when her hand only so delicately moves against his and their flesh brushes against one another. A squeeze... There it is, her pulse. Soft with this particular pressure, but there. ]
For so many years, I thought I would never have such a chance.
[ His throat hurts, only in a way that he can think he was on the verge of tears there in his thoughts. But when Cullen is confident that he has stolen himself again, he takes a calming exhale. ]
My strongest regret was never being able to show you, to tell you how wrong I realized I was.
[ Through glassy eyes, he meets her gaze. ]
You may not feel I owe such an apology, but I will show you how different things are. How I am.
[ He looks back down at their hands tangled. ]
Maker, I am so happy you are here.
I can assure you, I am fine. And I will be.
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She does not know. But her heart aches for him, twists as she hears his voice crack. Their hands join and she feels...contented in some way, but torn just the same. She has hurt him, even unintentionally, but she can still take comfort in being close again.
She remembers the way he embraced her earlier, how she felt she had needed it after being bereft of company for so long. He offered a balm for her guilt and she took it. Maker, she feels awful, like she has used him. Her hand tightens over his and she closes her eyes. Her voice wavers when she speaks again, strained as it is, but there is a quiet conviction there beneath the surface. ]
We have the time now. You can show me.
[ She wants to see, not because she doubts him - and she does not doubt him, not with the people he works with - but because it is important to him...and because it is important to her, too, to see and to share in something this crucial to who he is now.
Neria looks away from him but never lets go of his hand. ]
I... I didn't disappear to hurt you. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone when I 'died'. There were so many things involved in... In Denerim. With Alist-- With the king. It was all a mess. I didn't think it would matter if I vanished.
[ Because the people who did matter, in her mind, knew the truth. But how can she say that to him? ]
I had lost everything already. I thought it would be easier to find some way to move on.
[ In the end, Neria has never moved on from that day. She turns to look at him. ]
I am sorry. I didn't think it would hurt you or-- I didn't think people would hurt. None of us expected to live, you must understand. We were desperate. I was desperate. I would have done anything to ensure Ferelden was safe, that the others lived.
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[ While there is some hurt in her having disappeared, where his worries and sadness had been almost misguided, there is understanding. He can't imagine what kind of position this had put her in, how she must feel. ]
You had no way of knowing...
[ He can't bring himself to be angry. Not in the slightest. Cullen adjusts himself in his seat, scooting closer to her without really intending to. But her warmth is welcoming. ]
I have been in enough desperate situations to understand that some decisions may not be as desirable as others. I told you, Neria, I hold no anger towards you. I am only glad that you are here and safe.
[ There's a frown that he can't quite rid himself of, even when he looks Neria in the eye. ]
You can rebuild your life here. The Inquisition has welcomed you with open arms... We need you.
[ I need you. ]
You will find no further judgment from me, Neria. I swear it. I will not ask what drove you to such a decision. I understand you had your reasons, and far be it for me to believe otherwise.
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She did it because she loved Alistair, because he was her family. Because she loved them all too much to lose them. And in ten years, she has received only so many letters from him, from any of them. She has lost so much because of a poor decision she had made, and now the years have gone by while she's hardly lived. ]
I have had people lie for me for ten years. I've put up a...a charade for ten years and you aren't angry?
[ Neria looks at him with disbelief and pain and she tries so desperately not to let it show. This isn't about her; this is about the people she's lied to and cheated out of closure and answers for a decade. ]
And when we fix this? If we somehow manage to save the world, what then? The Order has already been disgraced for what they have done. The prodigal hero has come back to let everyone know she isn't really a hero, she's a liar and a cheat who is afraid of consequences. Cullen, I'm not-- I'm not the person you think I am.
[ You had your reasons. You can rebuild your life here. Why does all of it sound too good to be true? Her hand tightens over his and despite how much it hurts, she doesn't let go. ]
No one should be welcoming me and no one would if the world wasn't ending.
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[ Cullen's reply comes quickly, delivered with a furrowed brow where he might appear to be angry. And deep down? Yes, there is some sort of disappointment and anger there, but to allow it to show would only compromise where they are. He is a Commander, what decisions he makes support the Inquisition. To be angry at Neria would hardly bear any success for any of them. How could he possibly turn her away? ]
Of course, I would be a liar if I said I were completely elated. I went on for ten years regretting a mistake I had made before you, wondering what might have been but it is in that loss that I changed.
[ His hands tighten around hers all the same, a heat forging between them as tensions grow. ]
But what will lashing out do? Obviously, that was not given to you by the Inquisitor no matter how much you protest.
What do you want? Do you desire for me to scream at you? To berate you when I feel more relief than anger?
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[ The response is punctuated with an upwelling of mana that would normally signal a spell...but that's it. Nothing happens. And just that quickly, Neria deflates, ashamed as she turns away. ]
No. I mean... I don't know. What I want is unimportant now.
[ To go back and do it all again, to refuse the ritual and let herself go, or to make up her mind and be honest... Either way, she wants to accept her consequences. The lie had been easy at first until people began looking for the Warden-Commander and when she knew it would all come tumbling down. They weren't looking for a fighter or a commander; these people were looking for a miracle that she didn't have. How could she tell them the truth then, and to then explain that it was all due to blood magic? She would compromise not only herself but Morrigan and Alistair both, something she refuses to do.
Neria lets out a tight, uncomfortable sigh. ]
I want...to make amends. I want to fix what I have done. But this means opening old wounds and healing them again, healing them properly and not with lies. There are some things that shouldn't be reopened, shouldn't be discussed. I can't ask people to feel pain again for me simply so I can feel better about myself.
[ Now, she looks up at him, and the smile on her face is not kind. It is riddled with self-deprecation. ]
How selfish can I be by asking people to do that? I'd almost prefer a true decree of exile, in that case.
I have to be better. I have to do something better with myself, or everything I've done will have been pointless. That's what I was trying to do before...before Adamant. Before we ruined everything.
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[ But Cullen maintains his resolve, and one hand reaches for her face while the other remains holding one of hers. A man who is well-aware of self-deprecation can see it clear in her face. And it hurts, because he knows very intimately what is going on in her head. ]
The fact of the matter is we are at war. I have seen enough men and women who have made horrible mistakes make their lives within our cause. I will not pretend to not care about what you may have done, and what I know you are probably hiding.
[ Cullen's fingers drift from her jawline to her cheek, where his hand cups it gently and keeps her gaze with his. ]
You will accept the consequences as they come, as we all have. But if you have not been thrown out by now, this is your place. Take a stand for what you have done, make changes, and help us.
It is up to you what you make of the door the Inquisition has opened for you, Neria.
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And when the world is at war and Corypheus threatens to bring it all down upon their heads, she cannot tell a soul. Not yet. She can indulge in what she has done to secure her life, certainly, so long as no one can be harmed in the process. That has always been her standpoint, and desperation has made her mistakes all the more acute.
It has to end. And today, it does.
Neria lifts her gaze to his when he reaches for her cheek, and she feels a familiar burn behind her eyes that forces her to close them, lest she begin to openly weep in front of him. She takes a slow and steadying breath, her hand lifting to hold his against her cheek, to take selfish comfort in the warmth his hand offers her.
With a sigh, she opens her eyes again, looking at him once more. ]
I came here to help...and I will. I promise you that.
[ She won't let the opportunity go to waste. What will come later is anyone's guess. If they expel her or insist she leaves once the danger has passed, then so be it. For now, she is theirs, and she will not leave.
Neria presses a brief kiss to his hand, closing her eyes once more. ]
Thank you.
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[ His thumb gently caresses her temple, an affectionate gesture that is reserved for only her. Once upon a time, such a gesture may have made him burn red and turn away. But that is not him anymore, especially with a woman he is so attached to the idea of reminding himself that she is truly here. She kisses his hand, and his heart skips a beat to it, his stomach flutters. Where he is aware that she is now his comrade, she is also his friend, and he takes the hand that he holds to his lips to gently return the gesture across her knuckles. ]
If we are to work beside one another, it is important we have each other's support. But I am your friend, and I want you to know that.
We will take this one day at a time. For now, you have my faith and trust.
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WRONG JOURNAL, WOOPS
LMAO I WAS SO CONFUSED
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