[ The answer she offers is... Unsubstantial. At least in the sense that he is certain there is so much more to it than a few sentences and a claim of no one else truly being able to understand. But Cullen is willing. Surely, whatever mistakes she has made that has caused her to go into hiding can be made up for? But this is merely Cullen remembering Neria for the women she was, for the person he had admired despite the fact that she bore the abilities of a mage. With so many years distancing them, nothing she says puts his heart or mind at ease. ]
[ But why else would one hide? Cullen is hardly a fool, and it's clear that there is much more to this than just one conversation can fill. But there is enough hurt in his expression to know that he fears the truth. But the truth is necessary. ]
To hide for so long... You've been a celebrated name since the turn of the Fifth Blight. It's one thing to not feel it right to bask in glory, but to disappear?
[ Cullen takes a step forward, but it's a hesitant step. To come closer would be to diminish distance he isn't sure is appropriate to cut. But he wants so very much to know for certain that she is here, that she is real. Though, is that appropriate? Has a decade made them strangers? Cullen is an entirely different man now, far from the Chantry and no longer a templar. It is very clear that his situation mirrors Neria's own, minus the exile. ]
[ Who is she protecting by exiling herself? Should he even ask? There are so many questions that float through Cullen's head... Questions he's afraid to find the answers to, but all he can seem to focus on is the fact that she is here. That she is alive and well, and even if the feelings he had held for her were boyish and ill-advised? They were still feelings, and strong ones that had left an impact which effects him now. ]
I...
[ He doesn't deserve an apology. Not after what he asked of her. ]
You owe me no such thing, Neria. The man I was back then...
[ Cullen looks away from her. This is such a mess and he has no idea where to even start. ]
[ But the answer is fraught with self-doubt and a wavering voice, which she struggles to control. The past ten years have been painful and she has abandoned everything about her former life. Even becoming the Warden-Commander has forced her to leave behind her name and who she was, even for people like Oghren. It's been a struggle to pretend to be someone else. To come clean now, to leave her heart on the table for people to see, is almost too much.
He steps towards her and she holds her ground, waiting for...something. If it was anyone else - the Inquisitor, one of the other Wardens, Irving, anyone else - she might have braced herself for something, for anger and yelling, for even violence. But not from Cullen. There is pain in his expression and that, too, is her fault. Her expression truly crumbles now, sympathy answering distress, and she waits for him to berate her for what she's done. She would deserve it.
And he doesn't.
Neria looks up at him and, in the uncertain silence that follows, she steps towards him. She reaches for his arm, damn propriety, to touch his wrist and vambrace. ]
You were a child, Cullen. So was I.
[ It doesn't excuse either of them. But she understands. What he said to her that day hasn't left her. If Irving hadn't survived, if she hadn't been absolutely certain that he was still in his right mind... Who can say what might have happened? What had been done to Cullen was inexcusable. ]
They...We hurt you. It's all right. It never should have happened. [ And softly, for both of them, she says again: ] I'm sorry.
[ To place blame and foster a cruel suspicion to Neria would make him a hypocrite. The things that Cullen has done, the things he has said... He is hardly a man in position to hold her under the same kind of scrutiny he believes he deserves. They both made greatly heavy decisions based on the guilt they carry, and that much he understands. Perhaps asking questions, making her tell the complete truth right now is not appropriate. So he won't pry. At least not for now, and perhaps in a better situation where the tension in the room is not so tangible. ]
[ Neria standing before him is a reminder not just of what he'd done, but of the torture that was inflicted upon him. He hasn't forgotten what happened in that tower, nor will he ever. What those abominations had done to him reflect on his character now, shape him as the man that she reaches out and touches. And even if the reminder paints an even more painful expression on his face, he can't help but find focus elsewhere in the simple touch she gives to his wrist. ]
No.
[ Nevermind what has caused her to go into hiding. What matters is the here and now. When Cullen finds even a shred of comfort in the warmth of her hand, he immediately seeks out more. He steps forward again, taking that hand which grabs him if only to pull her in for a quite possibly inappropriate embrace. It doesn't matter. What happened doesn't matter. ]
[ What matters is that she is alive, healthy, and certainly real. Cullen can feel her solid form fit perfectly in his arms, where he desperately embraces her and holds her tight and finds his face buried in her long, thick hair. ]
I beg of you, stop apologizing. If there is anyone who owes such an apology, it is myself. For years, I regretted what I had done and said, and only the Maker remained to judge me.
I hold no ill-will for you, Neria. What reasons you have matter not. All that matters is that you are here.
[ He closes his eyes tightly, taking in her warmth for what it is. Real and alive. ]
[ No, she wants to say. He has every reason to mistrust her and to know of her crimes. She is a coward, running away instead of facing the truth and letting the world know what she has done, the path she has taken. He shouldn't respect her, shouldn't even begin to apologize. And she starts to tell him this...but then he pulls her closer by the arm and envelopes her in a hug, and whatever she wishes to say dies in her throat.
It has been too long since she's had real contact with anyone, much less someone who is giving her the chance and the ability to continue to remain silent. And most of all, he is glad that she is alive, and that is what cracks her defenses so thoroughly.
Neria's breathing is shaky in his hold and for several moments, she remains still, too stunned to move. But then she wraps her arms around him in a tight and warm embrace, and refuses to let go. Her eyes sting from a well the threatens to burst and she begs herself, rages against a true dissolution of her mask, and buries her face in his shoulder.
Maker, she is so weak. ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[ He told her not to apologize but she can't stop, not now that she is being offered such kindness. It compounds her guilt, even if she wishes it wouldn't. ]
I'm... Please, I should have been here sooner. I should have done something sooner than this.
[ For all they know, the world could be ending, and here she is in the eleventh hour to aid what might be a losing cause. It will be worth it, she knows, but she hopes it will be enough. ]
[ It's very clear that this situation runs much further deep than what appears first-hand. But Cullen can't rightly find himself the energy to focus on that, especially when he's so engrossed in the reality of her still existing. It's a sign from the Maker that he promise to cherish and not take lightly this time, and he refuses to believe otherwise. ]
[ It's hard to truly feel her with his armor in the way, but the weight of her is there, and he can feel her under his gloved hands where the warmth radiates. He can smell her hair, touched with the mountain air that has surrounded her in her long journey. And she is warm, solid yet soft even through the garments that have protected her in her travels. With his eyes closed, it brings the fact of her existence home when her voice is so familiar, even if age has slightly altered it through the years. ]
[ Cullen doesn't let go, and his grip only tightens when she returns the gesture. It's something they have never done to one-another, even when she had been his charge. Such a thing was inappropriate, and even the suggestion had him running away like a coward. But he is different now, and he will maintain such a fact even here. ]
Stop. [ He shakes his head. There she goes again, apologizing. ]
Whether you were to arrive at the start or as we stand a mere inch before Corypheus, you're here. That's all that matters.
[ Cullen exhales heavily, his body swaying a touch as he continues to embrace her. ]
You've no idea how happy I am to see you alive and well, my lady.
Please tell me it is actually you. That my mind has truly ceased the torture and I will not awaken from this.
[ It isn't the truth. It isn't even a reconciliation. But it is something, a chance to do something with the time she has left and with the resources she has. No more running, no more hiding. She exhales against his shoulder and holds him even tighter, even as some of the tension in her bleeds out. It's a start. She will have to accept it for the time being. Cullen cannot give her the forgiveness she wants, even if she wishes he could.
It doesn't occur to her that they are being inappropriate. Ten years have passed and they are no longer children; she ceased to be his charge the day Duncan took her from Kinloch Hold, and whatever there could have been has been left to rot over the years. But she needs this, needs his hold, and she soaks it up like a dying woman starved for water.
At last, she makes a sound that is almost like a sob, a wavering lilt of a laugh, and she pulls away to look at him. He's still so much taller than she is, and from this distance, she can get a better look at his face. Time has changed him, and yet he seems almost healthier now, a man full grown into himself. Commander is what he is called now, not unlike herself, and it brings a very small but sad smile to her face.
With some reluctance, she lets go of him and removes her gloves, casting them to the floor at their feet. As much as she wants to continue holding him - and still will, if he permits - she lifts both hands to his face. She cradles his face and looks at him for a long time, and then, she nods. ]
[ Cullen can only do so much when it comes to her forgiving herself. He's certain his own forgiveness does nothing to ease her mind, but if it can help her find comfort in her stay here, he will give whatever he can. The will have ample time to discuss the many years that have passed them and changed them. For now, he is content in basking in her presence. ]
[ He doesn't shy away from her touch, and actually finds himself comforted by it. Neria removes her gloves, leaving nothing but flesh upon flesh when her palms take to his scruffy cheeks and he's able to manage a genuine smile for her, weak and sad as it may be. He finds her presence a gift, even with the past that curses them. He reaches up, cupping both hands that hold him and he shuts his eyes a moment to take it all in. ]
Praise the Maker and Andraste for making that so.
[ When his eyes open, he is silent a moment, just looking at her. It is true that she is no longer is charge, though the need for professionalism is still there at the reminder that they are now comrades in arms. They will both command troops, she to the Grey Wardens and he with the Inquisition's army. Still, he reaches for her, one hand letting go to drift down her arm and at her shoulder, holding firmly. ]
You look no different. Time has treated you well and fate has left you healthy. I'm glad.
[ It's strange to see him so relieved to find her well. Ten years is a long time and she had assumed - wrongfully, she now realizes - that people would forget and move on. She realizes, belatedly, that the people she has interacted with the most have never known her to be missing, never had to mourn her loss. They simply knew and carried on the facade. She will need to apologize to him. Not now, perhaps, when he is adamant about refusing them...but another time, when she can be honest, when she can possibly speak of what has happened.
For now, she lets herself be selfish. To have contact with someone, with someone she knew once upon a time, is more of a gift than she should have, and yet she won't refuse it. It is good, she realizes, to see him healthy and alive, to see him helping the world.
Her smile finds a little more life in it and she almost manages a laugh, weak as it might be. ]
Not as well as you, I think. You look--
[ Finally, the potential for inappropriateness seems to hit her, because she doesn't quite know how to frame it in a way that won't be seen as potentially lewd. She means nothing by it, but Cullen has filled out his armor, in a sense; he is no longer so scruffy or young, and gone are the dark circles under his eyes and the pale skin. He looks different. ]
You look far better than the last time I saw you. [ As painful as it is for her to say it. She doesn't want to bring up such a dark time for either of them. ] I'm glad. And I'm...very glad to see a familiar face. It has been a long, long time since I've seen much of anyone.
[ She doesn't want this to end, this small port in the storm, her elation and relief. But, in reality, it has to. They needn't resort to talking about the past or painful things, but they have to move on. ]
How did you get here? Are you still-- How did they let you leave your post?
[ Though Cullen's memories of the past are far from pleasant, Neria is a shining beacon among the many regrets and disasters he had seen. While her reply seems far too flattering to him and enough for him to vehemently deny, he takes it with a smile and a light chuckle. He can find nostalgia in this, remembering conversations they had had in the past that he isn't necessarily proud of but can look back upon with some fondness. ]
You flatter me.
[ He still says it, and there may be a slight tint of pink over his nose at the prospect of acknowledging her compliments. Cullen doesn't let go of her, but he allows his hands to take hers which touch his face, holding them loosely at least while the moment is still strong with feeling. ]
While there are friends here I have known for some time, I'm afraid none have impacted me the way you did. There is much comfort in seeing such a fond and familiar face amidst all of this chaos. To see you healthy and in one piece is more than a gift.
[ At the mention of his "post", however, he makes a face. It bears only a brief sense of disappointment. ]
While I am inclined indulge you on the details, I am certain you are far too tired for the entire story.
I've left The Order, thus dropping my place as a Templar. Cassandra sought my assistance as Commander to the Inquisition's troops. What little we had at the time, at least.
After what I saw in Kinloch and in Kirkwall... It became very clear that my views on the Chantry were misguided and wrong.
[ He doesn't quite look at her when he tells her. Especially when she's well aware of what happened to him in the Circle Tower. There is no need. ]
[ She shakes her head, giving him a small smile that, perhaps, betrays a bit of humor. ]
It isn't flattery if it's true.
[ And is the most polite thing she can say without going into details neither of them are in any position to discuss it further. Instead, she turns to grip his hands tightly, dropping them from his face so they can hang between them. She says nothing for some time, allowing him to talk. In the end, she only squeezes his hands tightly in an effort to comfort him, to show him he isn't alone. But even she has to sigh. ]
You aren't the only one who's felt...led astray.
[ Not simply the Chantry but the Wardens. She held her fellow soldiers in high esteem, but the things Clarel had done, even misguided, had been wrong. The things she has seen in reports and in letters from the First Warden have been far from acceptable. But those things, too, are for another time. ]
But you're here now. You're leading the largest army Thedas has known in recent history against a monster. You're saving the world.
[ And she hopes he realizes the full extent of what that means for him and for everyone around them. ]
[ Cullen tilts his head at the furthering of her compliment, if only as his small attempt at argument. But nevertheless, he takes it for what it is. Despite being rather horrible at taking them. He could say a few things about how she's grown, but he doesn't want to appear, well... Deviant. Or lewd. Or anything that could possibly allude to the attraction he held for her once upon a time. He's still rather embarrassed about that. ]
[ Yet here they are, holding hands and sharing an affection Cullen has likely never provided to anyone else. He's married to his work, a busy man and hardly in a position to seek a relationship. Even if he wants one. But that doesn't stop him from accepting her gestures and finding comfort in them. It's a reminder of her existence and how real it is. Cullen almost clings to the relief he feels when he can feel her pulse each time her hands squeeze his. ]
[ He smiles a bit brighter at her mention of him saving the world, how he leads the largest army in Thedas. That is certainly why he is here and why he became a Templar in the first place. ]
And so are you.
[ Cullen can't help but remind her, even with her only being here a short time. He tugs lightly on her hands at that remark. ]
What we were holds no strength against what we are now. Neria, I would be honored to fight beside you again. You were brave to come here.
We have the Herald of Andraste with the Hero of Ferelden at her side. Corypheus stands no chance against us. You've no idea how much your joining means not just to me, but to the rest of Thedas.
[ And so are you. She almost wants to sigh at how optimistic and hopeful he sounds. He doesn't understand. ]
Yes, the very dead Hero of Ferelden. Thedas isn't going to rejoice at my sudden appearance. If anything, there's going to be a great deal for me - and the Inquisition, by extension - to answer for.
[ I did this to you all, she reminds herself, for better or worse. She will be able to lead the Warden armies and be a competent ally to the Inquisition, that much is true. She has information that can aid them. But that by no means will allow them to slip under the ripples her appearance is going to cause. ]
You must understand that Ferelden will be asking questions. King Alistair will probably contact the Inquisitor. Weisshaupt will have their own troubles, if they even bother to make contact after the disaster they've allowed.
[ And, frankly, she has half of a mind to call on them first. ]
And that's not including anyone else who's believed me dead. Those nobles will spin some story about how this was a fabricated ruse to give your Inquisitor an even more glowing reputation.
I wasn't brave to come here, Cullen. I was guilty and desperate. I didn't ride in with a miracle strapped to the back of my horse.
[ Cullen frowns at how the conversation turns, though he isn't surprised. Neria is very right in her saying she has quite a bit to answer for. The Inquisition will have just as much to answer for after having accepted her help without question. Even Cullen is rather surprised that Kaia allowed her to stay without so much as a set of questions beyond "Are you who you say you are". Perhaps it was in the way Cullen had addressed her that Kaia found trust in the woman, though such a path taken is not without the potential of unstable ground. ]
[ It is clear that things will not be easy, that they have much to discuss and cater to along with the rest of the mess they have before them. While Cullen is thankful merely for Neria's presence, she has a point. The frown falters, left behind for his normal, serious expression that has gotten him so much teasing among his peers. But it is necessary. ]
Whatever consequences follow your alliance and loyalty to the Inquisition, ten years passed or not, we will accept them. The Inquisitor has a good sense of judgment, and we all trust she has a plan worth awaiting results for.
[ With a sigh, he looks down, shaking his head. ]
I've no patience for the dealings of nobles and the rumors they spin. If that is what they will see fit to spread among the lands, Josephine is properly equipped to deal with such matters.
I understand your concerns, but try and consider your joining the Inquisition as your second chance. As I have.
[ There's a moment that he lingers, thumbs brushing over her knuckles before he finally lets go of her hands. Cullen makes way to his desk, shuffling through papers that scatter the surface of it. ]
I will see to it that you are provided your own room. You should allow yourself some time to clean up, visit our healers to ensure the journey has not given you sickness or injury. I'm sure you are hungry.
[ Even amidst all of his worry and shock, there is still much to do. Cullen pauses a moment when he looks back at her. An expression of sympathy back to take over what had once been serious. ]
This... Is also my quarters. Should you require anything from me, you know where to find me. We will begin our duties in the morning and delegate as needed.
[ Her second chance. She opens her mouth to argue and then opts to be silent, looking away. Neria lets out a heavy and defeated sigh, letting the conversation drop. They will spin in circles all afternoon and evening, she thinks, and...he is right. She is tired and it would be nice to attempt to rest. She wishes to see Leliana and to update her, make sure her friend's cover isn't blown as well. It was a convincing little dance she put on, pretending not to know Neria would be coming or that she still lived. She only hopes no one has begun to suspect.
Neria finds she misses the warmth of his hands already as he pulls away, but they have work to do and very little time with which to do it. She closes her hands in on themselves and lets them drop to her sides, and she gives Cullen a nod of acknowledgement and appreciation. ]
Whatever can be spared. I'm used to more dire and solitary living accommodations.
[ And she lifts a hand before he can ask, shaking her head. ]
Which I'll speak of another time. For now, let's-- Let's just do what we need to. I suspect the Inquisitor will want her answers soon enough.
[ There's no need to rush the disappointment that will follow her interrogation, whether it's by Kaia herself, the ambassador, or even Leliana. She has to prepare herself for the resulting fallout she expects even now.
Neria lifts her head to examine the room, only now spotting the ladder leading upwards. She mouths silently, this is your room? because it's such a ridiculous thing to ask, but she slowly, reluctantly, nods once more. There will be time enough for questions. For now, she lets it rest.
The next few hours she spends relatively alone in her room, eating dinner, preparing herself, and unpacking some of her belongings. Leliana comes to see her only in the dead of night and with no one the wiser to greet her and give her what updates she can, as well as quietly chiding her for making such a scene without informing her first. They are much alike and always have been, always looking for ways to control the situation. It can't be helped, and even if she is glad to see Leliana and cannot contain much of her relief and delight, it is a bittersweet reunion, not unlike the one she had earlier with Cullen. Her presence hasn't made things easier for the moment...but it will get better, Leliana promises. No more lies, no more games.
She wishes she could believe that.
But the evening passes as any other would, and she finds no sleep in her new quarters. Nightmares continue to haunt her and she can no longer tell if they are the ministrations of Corypheus or the Taint itself, and in truth, she has stopped trying to discern anything from them. For some time, she lays in bed, frustrated and fatigued, unable to sleep. And she begins to debate dangerous thoughts from time to time, whether she should explore or go to speak to the other Wardens, or if she should take Cullen up on his offer.
Hours pass before she makes a decision. Eventually, she does find her way to Cullen's office, knocking softly on the door. She's made her peace with it and reasons that if he doesn't answer, then he is sleeping, and she can go back to her room with no harm done. ]
[ The entirety of the day seems to drag slower than usual, where Cullen finds himself almost having too much time rather than the usual too little. But even in the abundance of time he has found himself, little has been done. He manages as much as he had promised: a room with clean clothing and linens, a meal prepared and a healer to visit her once she is settled. Anything else beyond that is barely touched, and when he tries he finds himself distracted by thoughts of her. Of the young charge he had ten years ago. ]
[ Cullen hasn't necessarily met his past with peace. There are still many regrets that haunt him in the night, the nightmares of battles he had been in that still plague him and may never cease. But in the passing time, he had found at least a way to deal with them. Now? It seems harder. With the pure symbol of the worst of his deeds standing before him, remembering him better than anyone else here... Will it help? Or will it make things worse. He couldn't say. But what he is certain of is that he is grateful she is alive and well, and just as grateful to work beside her again. ]
[ Even with his inability to get any work done, he still tries, still sits at his desk staring at the dozens of papers scattered before him. The words make little sense at this hour, and the words blur together where he is rendered illiterate and it gives him a headache. Sometimes they fizzle into a language that makes no sense, or appear as puddles of ink on the paper. Other times they all form into her name or shape themselves into a drawing of the Harrowing Chamber door he was imprisoned before. Cullen is left with his face in his hand, elbow at the table keeping him from faceplanting into it. ]
[ It's then that he hears a soft knocking at his door, and Cullen straightens himself. For a moment, he stares at it, not quite registering that someone is there but then finding stress in who it might be when he does. ]
[ There's a long enough pause that she doesn't think he is awake any longer, and Neria debates whether she should go. But then she hears him calling again and she pauses, hesitating again. She's been full of these moments today and she lets out a shaky exhale before she opens the door to step inside.
This is...ridiculous. She should leave him be. But he offered and, in truth, she feels she owes him for all he's done to comfort her now. As the seconds tick by, she feels even more uncertain, and she wants to be clear with him, if only him. At least Cullen has attempted to understand in some small measure.
Neria stands at the door, barely inside of his office, and she exhales. She gives Cullen a very small smile. ]
[ Of course it's her. Who else would it be? Even his recruits don't come to see him this late at night because they are either in the tavern or sleeping. Cullen usually expects to get the bulk of his work done at this hour, and he should be, but there is too much on his mind keeping him from it. The woman standing at the entrance to his room, in particular. ]
[ Still, he's happy to see her. To know that she is still truly here, and Cullen stands to greet her. Maybe too quickly, and his hip bumps the desk when he rises. He regrets not being in armor at that point, because he certainly strikes a nerve in the impact. While he doesn't completely show it, it's obvious he's hurt something. ]
[ But he tries to distract himself, clearing his throat. ]
I--
This is usually the hour I make the most progress in my work. Far less distractions, and I...
[ Can never seem to get any sleep. He wants to say it, but he refrains. ]
I usually have no visitors at this time.
[ With one hand at the hip he struck and the other lifted, he gestures with it for her to come inside. ]
Please, come in. Are you finding difficulty getting comfortable?
[ Neria winces sympathetically when he strikes himself, giving him a wan smile even as she shakes her head. She lifts her hand on instinct-- And then stops, letting it drop. She can't use magic here, not on him, not for any reason. Somewhat awkwardly, she steps further into the room, making certain that the door shuts behind her. ]
You mean you stay up and do work. Work that's...probably not necessary to do at this hour.
[ Pot, kettle. She can't criticize. Neria rubs lightly at the inside of her arm. ]
It's not about being comfortable-- The accommodations are very nice. I've simply...never been much of a sleeper. Not for a long time.
[ And besides being in a new place, potentially dangerous in every way, isn't of much help. But the bed is comfortable, the room warm, and she's eaten. It isn't as if she hasn't been provided for in any way. ]
[ Right on the bone, so it certainly hurts a number. But Cullen makes face and tries to maintain as if nothing has happened. He sets down a handful of papers he had been going through, along with a pen, and neatly pushes it aside as he comes around the corner of the desk to meet her. ]
You would not be the first to say so.
[ Even the Inquisitor gives him a hard time for working too long. Many have told him he needs a hobby, or to set aside time in the day for himself. Even Josephine takes time away from her duties. But he sees no need for that, and he never has. There is comfort in Neria not badgering him, but he certainly thinks of what others believe. ]
And that makes two of us.
[ About sleep. Cullen isn't sure the last time he's slept longer than three or four hours. ]
I've found that sleep is a bit difficult to come by as per recent events. There is much to do, and I find comfort in continuously keeping things going. Productivity is important during such trying times.
[ But he can't help but be a hypocrite right now, and he looks to Neria in worry as he closes some distance between them. ]
It is late. And you've been on the road for some time. You should try to get some rest.
[ Cullen frowns a touch, and his gaze shifts to the ladder leading to the second floor. ]
If... You would like, I'm sure we have much to catch up on. Perhaps we can talk.
[ And he means nothing crude when he gestures to the ladder. It's... Simply the only place he has where they can sit. And there's a lovely view of the night sky from the large opening in the ceiling. Cullen is prepared to defend himself with that much. ]
I can't fault you for it. When I'm working on something, I work on it whenever I have the time, no matter the hour.
[ But that isn't encouragement of any kind, and she's glad he seems to understand that what he's doing isn't the best habit to have. She can't imagine what the Inquisition has gone through. Leliana has told her some, and she has ears within the Wardens too. What she's heard has been horrific, and she's well aware of Haven's destruction by now.
Corypheus is a monster, far more than the Architect or the Mother ever were. He won't stop until the world has been destroyed. This goes far beyond an Archdemon.
She only gives him a shake of her head. ]
I've tried. I don't sleep much as it is, Cullen. It's fine.
[ It only means she might have a few more hours tomorrow night. Neria lifts her gaze up to the ladder and she gives him a brief look of uncertainty. At last, she nods. ]
[ He reaches behind his neck, rubbing at it as he gestures for her to climb first. Cullen holds no devious intent, and he certainly hopes she doesn't think so. He just knows from experience that sitting down and gazing at the stars certainly helps lull one to sleep, or bring comfort. ]
[ Once she is up, he will follow. In all honesty, he had planned on attempting to get some sleep but couldn't be certain he would get to it. He had attempted earlier only to be met with no success. Even without the matters of Neria having appeared out of essentially nowhere, he could never get much rest these days. ]
[ There's a moment where he lets out an awkward chuckle, and he smiles. ]
It, ah... Isn't much. Up here. I'm afraid I do not spend as much time up here as I should.
[ He takes a seat at the foot of his bed, arms resting at his knees when he leans forward. Cullen looks at Neria, a look of concern still on his features. ]
Admittedly, I don't even know where to start. It's been so long.
[ The room she finds is tidy and orderly...with the exception of the gaping hole in the ceiling and the pieces of wooden debris still on one side of the room. She doesn't remember when she began receiving word of their new location in Skyhold, but surely enough time has passed to allow him to have some renovations completed? She gives him a briefly sympathetic look, because the air is cool up here, even if the view is remarkably stunning.
Neria looks up, starstruck, and then gives him a smile. ]
You must have the most beautiful view in all of Skyhold.
[ Her own room is close to the parapets on the one side of the fortress, and if she trusted her footing, she could climb to the top and look out. But it isn't as closed in or intimate as this, allowing for privacy as well as beauty. Frankly, she's jealous.
She goes to sit near him, as there is nowhere else to, and she doesn't want to seem inconsiderate of his offer.
Neria sighs, settling her hands in her lap. ]
You said something about Kirkwall. Is that where you went after Kinloch Hold?
[ She frowns. ]
You don't have to give details if you don't want to.
[ Cullen manages a laugh at that, smile still in place because he's certain she has seen the gathering of wood and debris still tucked in a corner. ]
Josephine was rather insistent that I allow renovations to continue here. But I chose this room because of the opening, actually.
[ For the time being, he looks through it, finding his gaze locked to the skies above. The stars are out in full force tonight, not a single cloud in the sky. Truthfully, it's in that fresh air that comes through the hole in the ceiling that he doesn't feel closed in, suffocated. Such small windows remind him of the below decks of the many ships he has had to reside in. Small, closed off, stale air that is hard to breathe. The cold air that graces his lungs makes him feel as if he is out in the open, yet he is safe within these walls. Cullen doesn't share that information, however, finding shame in having a fear of small spaces. ]
[ Kirkwall isn't necessarily a better change of subject, but he'll take it. ]
No, it's quite alright. I can.
[ Cullen doesn't look directly at Neria, not right away, and he straightens his posture a moment. ]
I was transferred to Kirwall after... Well, the events in the Circle Tower. I will admit, I was not my best after that. You certainly witnessed first-hand what happened to me, and it's not something you recover from over night.
They sent me there believing it would do me well, that I could rise in the ranks. Which I did, and I served under Knight-Commander Meredith as the Knight-Captain.
[ He frowns. ]
I'm certain you heard of the rebellion at Kirkwall, of the Knight-Commander who saw to imprison the Champion, Hawke...
While she saw much in me, had faith in me, I believe it was merely in our shared... Discontent with mages. I'll admit, I harbored a further negative opinion on them after what occurred before the Harrowing Chamber that night. Meredith saw the same, perhaps more.
Mages and their sympathizers were accused and threatened. By her. She had lost her mind, allowed herself to be taken by the powers of red lyrium.
It was in that rebellion that I saw further bloodshed, innocents dying in the streets where Meredith saw fit to accuse even more of the Champion. I sided with him and opposed her, because even in my own discontent and mistrust, I still believed all were innocent until proven guilty.
[ With a sigh, he shakes his head. ]
That... Is the shortened version. I'm afraid going any further would take far longer than one night.
I... Want you to know.
I wish you could have seen how I had changed, how things became so different after Kirkwall. I am not innocent, but my view of mages has changed in the many years between us.
I want to apologize. For begging you to kill all of those people, for the hurtful things I said. I only wish I had learned before Kirkwall, before I bore witness to so many innocent mages and regular people die for no reason.
[ She doesn't expect him to tell her what has happened. That he does speaks highly of him and Neria listens, refusing to interrupt. This is Cullen's tale to tell, one that is more horrible than she imagined. He does not go into the finer details, nor does she feel it's necessary. She hadn't needed to see the way the demons had torn into his mind, either, to know what could have happened.
The Circles have been upset since the destruction of Kirkwall's Chantry. She'd heard stories and rumors of what had occurred: the Knight-Commander now fossilized in red lyrium, a dead and malformed First Enchanter, bloodshed in the streets, and a single mage having blown the Chantry sky-high.
Her mage, one of her Wardens. Her stomach bottoms out at the thought, but Cullen never confirms his name nor his involvement, and so she keeps silent.
Instead, she reaches for his hand in silence, covering it. This time, he isn't wearing gloves, and she simply holds him there to comfort him as he speaks. At last, Neria lifts her head to look over at him. ]
When you asked me to... I didn't want to. I was being selfish. Irving had been-- He took care of me, taught me everything. I hoped he would be all right. But if something had happened, if he had lost his mind... I would have killed him. I would have done what was necessary.
[ It hadn't been so clear-cut. She had been naive to assume she was taking some moral high ground by refusing what he asked. She squeezes his hand. ]
I wasn't angry with you, Cullen, for what you said. I was only-- It made me sad.
[ That he was hurting. That whatever future they might have had as friends was snuffed out like a candle. She'd wondered if they could have done something about the Circle together, as one of the few mages and Templars who spoke and worked together without fear. Becoming a Warden had changed all of that, to be certain, but she had held out some foolish hope. How could she ever expect him to think highly of mages after what they did to him? ]
I hope... No, I hoped you would change your mind one day. That you would heal from what happened. What they did was awful and inexcusable. I have no words for it. [ Her gaze meets his. ] We can do terrible things with our power but we're scared, too. All of us. We're scared and many of us are hurting.
You don't owe me an apology. I simply want you to be all right. I hope you've been able to heal.
[ Cullen never quite goes through the day without thinking about what he was subjected to, of his entire career as a Templar that has only been painted with blood and lies. But it has always been a series of thoughts he has been able to put in the back of his mind, to distract himself with his duties as Commander. Now? It's all in front of him, set before him where it's tangible, and the biggest reminder holds his hand so tightly. But Cullen finds comfort in that, his gaze falling on the vision of her strong, yet delicate hand over his in a stark contrast. There's peace in the memory he will have of his hand turning over, allowing their fingers to tangle and intertwine in a gesture he's never shared with anyone else. Honestly, he wouldn't want to share it with anyone else. ]
[ Cullen feels his heart swell, and there is a pain that follows when she tells him an apology isn't necessary. She's wrong. She is so certainly wrong, and she should despise him. Shouldn't she? She's a Mage, a woman he once had no right to have such intimate thoughts about, and he said and did so many things. Not just to her, but to others. Even if he were merely following orders, it doesn't excuse it... ]
[ He remembers what his mind had been subjected to... They started so tenderly, so happy. Where he had found a peaceful life with the woman who now holds his hand... But the peace only lasted a brief moment, shattered at the reminder of how it was fraternization, of how a Templar could never find love with a Mage. Could never find happiness. His family, his life... Destroyed. Mauled. Torn into pieces in front of him, hours of watching his fictional children possessed by demons, forced to destroy themselves. Sometimes it would change, change to them being destroyed by demons first... Their bodies used as a shell later. ]
[ Cullen shakes his head, squeezing her hand. He gets lost in that, and it's the first time he has since he had quit taking lyrium. For a moment, Cullen is silent, eyes closed while he struggles to bring himself back to the reality that is her. He finds it when she adjusts herself, when her hand only so delicately moves against his and their flesh brushes against one another. A squeeze... There it is, her pulse. Soft with this particular pressure, but there. ]
For so many years, I thought I would never have such a chance.
[ His throat hurts, only in a way that he can think he was on the verge of tears there in his thoughts. But when Cullen is confident that he has stolen himself again, he takes a calming exhale. ]
My strongest regret was never being able to show you, to tell you how wrong I realized I was.
[ Through glassy eyes, he meets her gaze. ]
You may not feel I owe such an apology, but I will show you how different things are. How I am.
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[ But why else would one hide? Cullen is hardly a fool, and it's clear that there is much more to this than just one conversation can fill. But there is enough hurt in his expression to know that he fears the truth. But the truth is necessary. ]
To hide for so long... You've been a celebrated name since the turn of the Fifth Blight. It's one thing to not feel it right to bask in glory, but to disappear?
[ Cullen takes a step forward, but it's a hesitant step. To come closer would be to diminish distance he isn't sure is appropriate to cut. But he wants so very much to know for certain that she is here, that she is real. Though, is that appropriate? Has a decade made them strangers? Cullen is an entirely different man now, far from the Chantry and no longer a templar. It is very clear that his situation mirrors Neria's own, minus the exile. ]
[ Who is she protecting by exiling herself? Should he even ask? There are so many questions that float through Cullen's head... Questions he's afraid to find the answers to, but all he can seem to focus on is the fact that she is here. That she is alive and well, and even if the feelings he had held for her were boyish and ill-advised? They were still feelings, and strong ones that had left an impact which effects him now. ]
I...
[ He doesn't deserve an apology. Not after what he asked of her. ]
You owe me no such thing, Neria. The man I was back then...
[ Cullen looks away from her. This is such a mess and he has no idea where to even start. ]
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[ But the answer is fraught with self-doubt and a wavering voice, which she struggles to control. The past ten years have been painful and she has abandoned everything about her former life. Even becoming the Warden-Commander has forced her to leave behind her name and who she was, even for people like Oghren. It's been a struggle to pretend to be someone else. To come clean now, to leave her heart on the table for people to see, is almost too much.
He steps towards her and she holds her ground, waiting for...something. If it was anyone else - the Inquisitor, one of the other Wardens, Irving, anyone else - she might have braced herself for something, for anger and yelling, for even violence. But not from Cullen. There is pain in his expression and that, too, is her fault. Her expression truly crumbles now, sympathy answering distress, and she waits for him to berate her for what she's done. She would deserve it.
And he doesn't.
Neria looks up at him and, in the uncertain silence that follows, she steps towards him. She reaches for his arm, damn propriety, to touch his wrist and vambrace. ]
You were a child, Cullen. So was I.
[ It doesn't excuse either of them. But she understands. What he said to her that day hasn't left her. If Irving hadn't survived, if she hadn't been absolutely certain that he was still in his right mind... Who can say what might have happened? What had been done to Cullen was inexcusable. ]
They...We hurt you. It's all right. It never should have happened. [ And softly, for both of them, she says again: ] I'm sorry.
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[ Neria standing before him is a reminder not just of what he'd done, but of the torture that was inflicted upon him. He hasn't forgotten what happened in that tower, nor will he ever. What those abominations had done to him reflect on his character now, shape him as the man that she reaches out and touches. And even if the reminder paints an even more painful expression on his face, he can't help but find focus elsewhere in the simple touch she gives to his wrist. ]
No.
[ Nevermind what has caused her to go into hiding. What matters is the here and now. When Cullen finds even a shred of comfort in the warmth of her hand, he immediately seeks out more. He steps forward again, taking that hand which grabs him if only to pull her in for a quite possibly inappropriate embrace. It doesn't matter. What happened doesn't matter. ]
[ What matters is that she is alive, healthy, and certainly real. Cullen can feel her solid form fit perfectly in his arms, where he desperately embraces her and holds her tight and finds his face buried in her long, thick hair. ]
I beg of you, stop apologizing. If there is anyone who owes such an apology, it is myself. For years, I regretted what I had done and said, and only the Maker remained to judge me.
I hold no ill-will for you, Neria. What reasons you have matter not. All that matters is that you are here.
[ He closes his eyes tightly, taking in her warmth for what it is. Real and alive. ]
And thank the Maker for that.
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It has been too long since she's had real contact with anyone, much less someone who is giving her the chance and the ability to continue to remain silent. And most of all, he is glad that she is alive, and that is what cracks her defenses so thoroughly.
Neria's breathing is shaky in his hold and for several moments, she remains still, too stunned to move. But then she wraps her arms around him in a tight and warm embrace, and refuses to let go. Her eyes sting from a well the threatens to burst and she begs herself, rages against a true dissolution of her mask, and buries her face in his shoulder.
Maker, she is so weak. ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[ He told her not to apologize but she can't stop, not now that she is being offered such kindness. It compounds her guilt, even if she wishes it wouldn't. ]
I'm... Please, I should have been here sooner. I should have done something sooner than this.
[ For all they know, the world could be ending, and here she is in the eleventh hour to aid what might be a losing cause. It will be worth it, she knows, but she hopes it will be enough. ]
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[ It's hard to truly feel her with his armor in the way, but the weight of her is there, and he can feel her under his gloved hands where the warmth radiates. He can smell her hair, touched with the mountain air that has surrounded her in her long journey. And she is warm, solid yet soft even through the garments that have protected her in her travels. With his eyes closed, it brings the fact of her existence home when her voice is so familiar, even if age has slightly altered it through the years. ]
[ Cullen doesn't let go, and his grip only tightens when she returns the gesture. It's something they have never done to one-another, even when she had been his charge. Such a thing was inappropriate, and even the suggestion had him running away like a coward. But he is different now, and he will maintain such a fact even here. ]
Stop. [ He shakes his head. There she goes again, apologizing. ]
Whether you were to arrive at the start or as we stand a mere inch before Corypheus, you're here. That's all that matters.
[ Cullen exhales heavily, his body swaying a touch as he continues to embrace her. ]
You've no idea how happy I am to see you alive and well, my lady.
Please tell me it is actually you. That my mind has truly ceased the torture and I will not awaken from this.
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It doesn't occur to her that they are being inappropriate. Ten years have passed and they are no longer children; she ceased to be his charge the day Duncan took her from Kinloch Hold, and whatever there could have been has been left to rot over the years. But she needs this, needs his hold, and she soaks it up like a dying woman starved for water.
At last, she makes a sound that is almost like a sob, a wavering lilt of a laugh, and she pulls away to look at him. He's still so much taller than she is, and from this distance, she can get a better look at his face. Time has changed him, and yet he seems almost healthier now, a man full grown into himself. Commander is what he is called now, not unlike herself, and it brings a very small but sad smile to her face.
With some reluctance, she lets go of him and removes her gloves, casting them to the floor at their feet. As much as she wants to continue holding him - and still will, if he permits - she lifts both hands to his face. She cradles his face and looks at him for a long time, and then, she nods. ]
It is me, Cullen. I'm here.
[ Alive and breathing, she is there with him. ]
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[ He doesn't shy away from her touch, and actually finds himself comforted by it. Neria removes her gloves, leaving nothing but flesh upon flesh when her palms take to his scruffy cheeks and he's able to manage a genuine smile for her, weak and sad as it may be. He finds her presence a gift, even with the past that curses them. He reaches up, cupping both hands that hold him and he shuts his eyes a moment to take it all in. ]
Praise the Maker and Andraste for making that so.
[ When his eyes open, he is silent a moment, just looking at her. It is true that she is no longer is charge, though the need for professionalism is still there at the reminder that they are now comrades in arms. They will both command troops, she to the Grey Wardens and he with the Inquisition's army. Still, he reaches for her, one hand letting go to drift down her arm and at her shoulder, holding firmly. ]
You look no different. Time has treated you well and fate has left you healthy. I'm glad.
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For now, she lets herself be selfish. To have contact with someone, with someone she knew once upon a time, is more of a gift than she should have, and yet she won't refuse it. It is good, she realizes, to see him healthy and alive, to see him helping the world.
Her smile finds a little more life in it and she almost manages a laugh, weak as it might be. ]
Not as well as you, I think. You look--
[ Finally, the potential for inappropriateness seems to hit her, because she doesn't quite know how to frame it in a way that won't be seen as potentially lewd. She means nothing by it, but Cullen has filled out his armor, in a sense; he is no longer so scruffy or young, and gone are the dark circles under his eyes and the pale skin. He looks different. ]
You look far better than the last time I saw you. [ As painful as it is for her to say it. She doesn't want to bring up such a dark time for either of them. ] I'm glad. And I'm...very glad to see a familiar face. It has been a long, long time since I've seen much of anyone.
[ She doesn't want this to end, this small port in the storm, her elation and relief. But, in reality, it has to. They needn't resort to talking about the past or painful things, but they have to move on. ]
How did you get here? Are you still-- How did they let you leave your post?
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You flatter me.
[ He still says it, and there may be a slight tint of pink over his nose at the prospect of acknowledging her compliments. Cullen doesn't let go of her, but he allows his hands to take hers which touch his face, holding them loosely at least while the moment is still strong with feeling. ]
While there are friends here I have known for some time, I'm afraid none have impacted me the way you did. There is much comfort in seeing such a fond and familiar face amidst all of this chaos. To see you healthy and in one piece is more than a gift.
[ At the mention of his "post", however, he makes a face. It bears only a brief sense of disappointment. ]
While I am inclined indulge you on the details, I am certain you are far too tired for the entire story.
I've left The Order, thus dropping my place as a Templar. Cassandra sought my assistance as Commander to the Inquisition's troops. What little we had at the time, at least.
After what I saw in Kinloch and in Kirkwall... It became very clear that my views on the Chantry were misguided and wrong.
[ He doesn't quite look at her when he tells her. Especially when she's well aware of what happened to him in the Circle Tower. There is no need. ]
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It isn't flattery if it's true.
[ And is the most polite thing she can say without going into details neither of them are in any position to discuss it further. Instead, she turns to grip his hands tightly, dropping them from his face so they can hang between them. She says nothing for some time, allowing him to talk. In the end, she only squeezes his hands tightly in an effort to comfort him, to show him he isn't alone. But even she has to sigh. ]
You aren't the only one who's felt...led astray.
[ Not simply the Chantry but the Wardens. She held her fellow soldiers in high esteem, but the things Clarel had done, even misguided, had been wrong. The things she has seen in reports and in letters from the First Warden have been far from acceptable. But those things, too, are for another time. ]
But you're here now. You're leading the largest army Thedas has known in recent history against a monster. You're saving the world.
[ And she hopes he realizes the full extent of what that means for him and for everyone around them. ]
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[ Yet here they are, holding hands and sharing an affection Cullen has likely never provided to anyone else. He's married to his work, a busy man and hardly in a position to seek a relationship. Even if he wants one. But that doesn't stop him from accepting her gestures and finding comfort in them. It's a reminder of her existence and how real it is. Cullen almost clings to the relief he feels when he can feel her pulse each time her hands squeeze his. ]
[ He smiles a bit brighter at her mention of him saving the world, how he leads the largest army in Thedas. That is certainly why he is here and why he became a Templar in the first place. ]
And so are you.
[ Cullen can't help but remind her, even with her only being here a short time. He tugs lightly on her hands at that remark. ]
What we were holds no strength against what we are now. Neria, I would be honored to fight beside you again. You were brave to come here.
We have the Herald of Andraste with the Hero of Ferelden at her side. Corypheus stands no chance against us. You've no idea how much your joining means not just to me, but to the rest of Thedas.
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Yes, the very dead Hero of Ferelden. Thedas isn't going to rejoice at my sudden appearance. If anything, there's going to be a great deal for me - and the Inquisition, by extension - to answer for.
[ I did this to you all, she reminds herself, for better or worse. She will be able to lead the Warden armies and be a competent ally to the Inquisition, that much is true. She has information that can aid them. But that by no means will allow them to slip under the ripples her appearance is going to cause. ]
You must understand that Ferelden will be asking questions. King Alistair will probably contact the Inquisitor. Weisshaupt will have their own troubles, if they even bother to make contact after the disaster they've allowed.
[ And, frankly, she has half of a mind to call on them first. ]
And that's not including anyone else who's believed me dead. Those nobles will spin some story about how this was a fabricated ruse to give your Inquisitor an even more glowing reputation.
I wasn't brave to come here, Cullen. I was guilty and desperate. I didn't ride in with a miracle strapped to the back of my horse.
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[ It is clear that things will not be easy, that they have much to discuss and cater to along with the rest of the mess they have before them. While Cullen is thankful merely for Neria's presence, she has a point. The frown falters, left behind for his normal, serious expression that has gotten him so much teasing among his peers. But it is necessary. ]
Whatever consequences follow your alliance and loyalty to the Inquisition, ten years passed or not, we will accept them. The Inquisitor has a good sense of judgment, and we all trust she has a plan worth awaiting results for.
[ With a sigh, he looks down, shaking his head. ]
I've no patience for the dealings of nobles and the rumors they spin. If that is what they will see fit to spread among the lands, Josephine is properly equipped to deal with such matters.
I understand your concerns, but try and consider your joining the Inquisition as your second chance. As I have.
[ There's a moment that he lingers, thumbs brushing over her knuckles before he finally lets go of her hands. Cullen makes way to his desk, shuffling through papers that scatter the surface of it. ]
I will see to it that you are provided your own room. You should allow yourself some time to clean up, visit our healers to ensure the journey has not given you sickness or injury. I'm sure you are hungry.
[ Even amidst all of his worry and shock, there is still much to do. Cullen pauses a moment when he looks back at her. An expression of sympathy back to take over what had once been serious. ]
This... Is also my quarters. Should you require anything from me, you know where to find me. We will begin our duties in the morning and delegate as needed.
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Neria finds she misses the warmth of his hands already as he pulls away, but they have work to do and very little time with which to do it. She closes her hands in on themselves and lets them drop to her sides, and she gives Cullen a nod of acknowledgement and appreciation. ]
Whatever can be spared. I'm used to more dire and solitary living accommodations.
[ And she lifts a hand before he can ask, shaking her head. ]
Which I'll speak of another time. For now, let's-- Let's just do what we need to. I suspect the Inquisitor will want her answers soon enough.
[ There's no need to rush the disappointment that will follow her interrogation, whether it's by Kaia herself, the ambassador, or even Leliana. She has to prepare herself for the resulting fallout she expects even now.
Neria lifts her head to examine the room, only now spotting the ladder leading upwards. She mouths silently, this is your room? because it's such a ridiculous thing to ask, but she slowly, reluctantly, nods once more. There will be time enough for questions. For now, she lets it rest.
The next few hours she spends relatively alone in her room, eating dinner, preparing herself, and unpacking some of her belongings. Leliana comes to see her only in the dead of night and with no one the wiser to greet her and give her what updates she can, as well as quietly chiding her for making such a scene without informing her first. They are much alike and always have been, always looking for ways to control the situation. It can't be helped, and even if she is glad to see Leliana and cannot contain much of her relief and delight, it is a bittersweet reunion, not unlike the one she had earlier with Cullen. Her presence hasn't made things easier for the moment...but it will get better, Leliana promises. No more lies, no more games.
She wishes she could believe that.
But the evening passes as any other would, and she finds no sleep in her new quarters. Nightmares continue to haunt her and she can no longer tell if they are the ministrations of Corypheus or the Taint itself, and in truth, she has stopped trying to discern anything from them. For some time, she lays in bed, frustrated and fatigued, unable to sleep. And she begins to debate dangerous thoughts from time to time, whether she should explore or go to speak to the other Wardens, or if she should take Cullen up on his offer.
Hours pass before she makes a decision. Eventually, she does find her way to Cullen's office, knocking softly on the door. She's made her peace with it and reasons that if he doesn't answer, then he is sleeping, and she can go back to her room with no harm done. ]
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[ Cullen hasn't necessarily met his past with peace. There are still many regrets that haunt him in the night, the nightmares of battles he had been in that still plague him and may never cease. But in the passing time, he had found at least a way to deal with them. Now? It seems harder. With the pure symbol of the worst of his deeds standing before him, remembering him better than anyone else here... Will it help? Or will it make things worse. He couldn't say. But what he is certain of is that he is grateful she is alive and well, and just as grateful to work beside her again. ]
[ Even with his inability to get any work done, he still tries, still sits at his desk staring at the dozens of papers scattered before him. The words make little sense at this hour, and the words blur together where he is rendered illiterate and it gives him a headache. Sometimes they fizzle into a language that makes no sense, or appear as puddles of ink on the paper. Other times they all form into her name or shape themselves into a drawing of the Harrowing Chamber door he was imprisoned before. Cullen is left with his face in his hand, elbow at the table keeping him from faceplanting into it. ]
[ It's then that he hears a soft knocking at his door, and Cullen straightens himself. For a moment, he stares at it, not quite registering that someone is there but then finding stress in who it might be when he does. ]
Yes?
[ He eventually speaks for his guest to enter. ]
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This is...ridiculous. She should leave him be. But he offered and, in truth, she feels she owes him for all he's done to comfort her now. As the seconds tick by, she feels even more uncertain, and she wants to be clear with him, if only him. At least Cullen has attempted to understand in some small measure.
Neria stands at the door, barely inside of his office, and she exhales. She gives Cullen a very small smile. ]
You're still awake?
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[ Still, he's happy to see her. To know that she is still truly here, and Cullen stands to greet her. Maybe too quickly, and his hip bumps the desk when he rises. He regrets not being in armor at that point, because he certainly strikes a nerve in the impact. While he doesn't completely show it, it's obvious he's hurt something. ]
[ But he tries to distract himself, clearing his throat. ]
I--
This is usually the hour I make the most progress in my work. Far less distractions, and I...
[ Can never seem to get any sleep. He wants to say it, but he refrains. ]
I usually have no visitors at this time.
[ With one hand at the hip he struck and the other lifted, he gestures with it for her to come inside. ]
Please, come in. Are you finding difficulty getting comfortable?
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You mean you stay up and do work. Work that's...probably not necessary to do at this hour.
[ Pot, kettle. She can't criticize. Neria rubs lightly at the inside of her arm. ]
It's not about being comfortable-- The accommodations are very nice. I've simply...never been much of a sleeper. Not for a long time.
[ And besides being in a new place, potentially dangerous in every way, isn't of much help. But the bed is comfortable, the room warm, and she's eaten. It isn't as if she hasn't been provided for in any way. ]
I didn't think you'd still be awake. It's late.
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You would not be the first to say so.
[ Even the Inquisitor gives him a hard time for working too long. Many have told him he needs a hobby, or to set aside time in the day for himself. Even Josephine takes time away from her duties. But he sees no need for that, and he never has. There is comfort in Neria not badgering him, but he certainly thinks of what others believe. ]
And that makes two of us.
[ About sleep. Cullen isn't sure the last time he's slept longer than three or four hours. ]
I've found that sleep is a bit difficult to come by as per recent events. There is much to do, and I find comfort in continuously keeping things going. Productivity is important during such trying times.
[ But he can't help but be a hypocrite right now, and he looks to Neria in worry as he closes some distance between them. ]
It is late. And you've been on the road for some time. You should try to get some rest.
[ Cullen frowns a touch, and his gaze shifts to the ladder leading to the second floor. ]
If... You would like, I'm sure we have much to catch up on. Perhaps we can talk.
[ And he means nothing crude when he gestures to the ladder. It's... Simply the only place he has where they can sit. And there's a lovely view of the night sky from the large opening in the ceiling. Cullen is prepared to defend himself with that much. ]
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[ But that isn't encouragement of any kind, and she's glad he seems to understand that what he's doing isn't the best habit to have. She can't imagine what the Inquisition has gone through. Leliana has told her some, and she has ears within the Wardens too. What she's heard has been horrific, and she's well aware of Haven's destruction by now.
Corypheus is a monster, far more than the Architect or the Mother ever were. He won't stop until the world has been destroyed. This goes far beyond an Archdemon.
She only gives him a shake of her head. ]
I've tried. I don't sleep much as it is, Cullen. It's fine.
[ It only means she might have a few more hours tomorrow night. Neria lifts her gaze up to the ladder and she gives him a brief look of uncertainty. At last, she nods. ]
All right. I'd like that.
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[ Once she is up, he will follow. In all honesty, he had planned on attempting to get some sleep but couldn't be certain he would get to it. He had attempted earlier only to be met with no success. Even without the matters of Neria having appeared out of essentially nowhere, he could never get much rest these days. ]
[ There's a moment where he lets out an awkward chuckle, and he smiles. ]
It, ah... Isn't much. Up here. I'm afraid I do not spend as much time up here as I should.
[ He takes a seat at the foot of his bed, arms resting at his knees when he leans forward. Cullen looks at Neria, a look of concern still on his features. ]
Admittedly, I don't even know where to start. It's been so long.
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Neria looks up, starstruck, and then gives him a smile. ]
You must have the most beautiful view in all of Skyhold.
[ Her own room is close to the parapets on the one side of the fortress, and if she trusted her footing, she could climb to the top and look out. But it isn't as closed in or intimate as this, allowing for privacy as well as beauty. Frankly, she's jealous.
She goes to sit near him, as there is nowhere else to, and she doesn't want to seem inconsiderate of his offer.
Neria sighs, settling her hands in her lap. ]
You said something about Kirkwall. Is that where you went after Kinloch Hold?
[ She frowns. ]
You don't have to give details if you don't want to.
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Josephine was rather insistent that I allow renovations to continue here. But I chose this room because of the opening, actually.
[ For the time being, he looks through it, finding his gaze locked to the skies above. The stars are out in full force tonight, not a single cloud in the sky. Truthfully, it's in that fresh air that comes through the hole in the ceiling that he doesn't feel closed in, suffocated. Such small windows remind him of the below decks of the many ships he has had to reside in. Small, closed off, stale air that is hard to breathe. The cold air that graces his lungs makes him feel as if he is out in the open, yet he is safe within these walls. Cullen doesn't share that information, however, finding shame in having a fear of small spaces. ]
[ Kirkwall isn't necessarily a better change of subject, but he'll take it. ]
No, it's quite alright. I can.
[ Cullen doesn't look directly at Neria, not right away, and he straightens his posture a moment. ]
I was transferred to Kirwall after... Well, the events in the Circle Tower. I will admit, I was not my best after that. You certainly witnessed first-hand what happened to me, and it's not something you recover from over night.
They sent me there believing it would do me well, that I could rise in the ranks. Which I did, and I served under Knight-Commander Meredith as the Knight-Captain.
[ He frowns. ]
I'm certain you heard of the rebellion at Kirkwall, of the Knight-Commander who saw to imprison the Champion, Hawke...
While she saw much in me, had faith in me, I believe it was merely in our shared... Discontent with mages. I'll admit, I harbored a further negative opinion on them after what occurred before the Harrowing Chamber that night. Meredith saw the same, perhaps more.
Mages and their sympathizers were accused and threatened. By her. She had lost her mind, allowed herself to be taken by the powers of red lyrium.
It was in that rebellion that I saw further bloodshed, innocents dying in the streets where Meredith saw fit to accuse even more of the Champion. I sided with him and opposed her, because even in my own discontent and mistrust, I still believed all were innocent until proven guilty.
[ With a sigh, he shakes his head. ]
That... Is the shortened version. I'm afraid going any further would take far longer than one night.
I... Want you to know.
I wish you could have seen how I had changed, how things became so different after Kirkwall. I am not innocent, but my view of mages has changed in the many years between us.
I want to apologize. For begging you to kill all of those people, for the hurtful things I said. I only wish I had learned before Kirkwall, before I bore witness to so many innocent mages and regular people die for no reason.
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The Circles have been upset since the destruction of Kirkwall's Chantry. She'd heard stories and rumors of what had occurred: the Knight-Commander now fossilized in red lyrium, a dead and malformed First Enchanter, bloodshed in the streets, and a single mage having blown the Chantry sky-high.
Her mage, one of her Wardens. Her stomach bottoms out at the thought, but Cullen never confirms his name nor his involvement, and so she keeps silent.
Instead, she reaches for his hand in silence, covering it. This time, he isn't wearing gloves, and she simply holds him there to comfort him as he speaks. At last, Neria lifts her head to look over at him. ]
When you asked me to... I didn't want to. I was being selfish. Irving had been-- He took care of me, taught me everything. I hoped he would be all right. But if something had happened, if he had lost his mind... I would have killed him. I would have done what was necessary.
[ It hadn't been so clear-cut. She had been naive to assume she was taking some moral high ground by refusing what he asked. She squeezes his hand. ]
I wasn't angry with you, Cullen, for what you said. I was only-- It made me sad.
[ That he was hurting. That whatever future they might have had as friends was snuffed out like a candle. She'd wondered if they could have done something about the Circle together, as one of the few mages and Templars who spoke and worked together without fear. Becoming a Warden had changed all of that, to be certain, but she had held out some foolish hope. How could she ever expect him to think highly of mages after what they did to him? ]
I hope... No, I hoped you would change your mind one day. That you would heal from what happened. What they did was awful and inexcusable. I have no words for it. [ Her gaze meets his. ] We can do terrible things with our power but we're scared, too. All of us. We're scared and many of us are hurting.
You don't owe me an apology. I simply want you to be all right. I hope you've been able to heal.
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[ Cullen feels his heart swell, and there is a pain that follows when she tells him an apology isn't necessary. She's wrong. She is so certainly wrong, and she should despise him. Shouldn't she? She's a Mage, a woman he once had no right to have such intimate thoughts about, and he said and did so many things. Not just to her, but to others. Even if he were merely following orders, it doesn't excuse it... ]
[ He remembers what his mind had been subjected to... They started so tenderly, so happy. Where he had found a peaceful life with the woman who now holds his hand... But the peace only lasted a brief moment, shattered at the reminder of how it was fraternization, of how a Templar could never find love with a Mage. Could never find happiness. His family, his life... Destroyed. Mauled. Torn into pieces in front of him, hours of watching his fictional children possessed by demons, forced to destroy themselves. Sometimes it would change, change to them being destroyed by demons first... Their bodies used as a shell later. ]
[ Cullen shakes his head, squeezing her hand. He gets lost in that, and it's the first time he has since he had quit taking lyrium. For a moment, Cullen is silent, eyes closed while he struggles to bring himself back to the reality that is her. He finds it when she adjusts herself, when her hand only so delicately moves against his and their flesh brushes against one another. A squeeze... There it is, her pulse. Soft with this particular pressure, but there. ]
For so many years, I thought I would never have such a chance.
[ His throat hurts, only in a way that he can think he was on the verge of tears there in his thoughts. But when Cullen is confident that he has stolen himself again, he takes a calming exhale. ]
My strongest regret was never being able to show you, to tell you how wrong I realized I was.
[ Through glassy eyes, he meets her gaze. ]
You may not feel I owe such an apology, but I will show you how different things are. How I am.
[ He looks back down at their hands tangled. ]
Maker, I am so happy you are here.
I can assure you, I am fine. And I will be.
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WRONG JOURNAL, WOOPS
LMAO I WAS SO CONFUSED
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